Across the Universe

Goodbye, my love.

The day has come. We knew it would come, but I did not expect it so soon. These past few months have passed both so quickly and yet so slowly, each day with you rushing past like a train in the night and each day without you feeling like a hundred years. We will be separated across the land, across the oceans, across the world, across the universe. We will be Antipodeans in the truest sense – except that you will be on one side and I will be on the other.

It all started, as I’m sure you’ll remember, with a party. Costumes, post-it notes, frozen wine and Wagon Wheel coasters. We danced in my living room to Motorhead, and you nearly took out the chandelier I used to have there. I remember the first hug, when you put your arm around my shoulders and held me close to you, and how short your hair used to be. Before then, when you were first described to me, my first words were ‘Are you sure he has a girlfriend?’.

The next fifteen months moved slowly, scattered with fleeting moments of ecstasy and lingering echoes of pain. We flirted with each other mercilessly. I remember you running towards me to sweep me up in your arms and spin me around, the day after I was in hospital. You getting me to sit on your lap in the fish and chip shop except that I kept sliding off due to my satin skirt. The murmured conversations we used to have during the lunch breaks and between episodes. The kiss you landed on my cheek after I gave you your Christmas present. The way you used to wrap your arms around me and kiss my forehead when no one was watching. When you held my hand in the darkness as we traversed the golf course. When we shared an air mattress and we both woke up on the floor due to a slow leak. When we sat in the rain by the pool on New Year’s Day and you were helping me with my writing. Neither of us were subtle, especially me. But I knew it would never happen. You were loyal, and I respected that. Even though I was hurting, I just filed you away into the long list of things that would never come to me and kept hoping for a nice Scotsman or Welshman to call my own.

Then, that night at your house. February 17th, 2007. We were gathered around your TV. I arrived late and alone. We sat apart and as the night progressed, whenever my eyes drifted over to you, I would find your eyes suddenly meeting mine. Nothing new. Everyone left, except me. I needed to stay with you since I lived far away. Again, nothing new, I did the exact same thing last time. Before bedtime, we would talk and you would show me the various amusing things on your computer that you thought I would enjoy. You had your usual shower and I was a little surprised to see you flounce right past me in your underpants. But, nothing new. Everyone had seen you parading around in your budgie smugglers when we were insane enough to go swimming on a very cold and rainy New Year’s Eve. We were both in our pyjamas and you came to say goodnight. During the night I had had my hair braided for me and it was starting to fall out in a messy but cute way. I noticed something different about you. You fidgeted. You couldn’t meet my gaze as you wondered aloud if I’d like to go see a movie with you. I accepted immediately, but I still didn’t understand. It was only when you smiled shyly and said that this was the first time that you’d ever asked a girl out that the cogs started to whirr in my brain. My face must have been a picture to behold. It caused you to ask if I was seeing someone. I very very quickly replied in the negative. You went to go into your room, leaving me to ask you for our usual hug. You held me tight, and for a long time. My face was buried in your chest, half on fabric, half on skin from your partially buttoned top. I knew then that a boundary had been crossed, that line that was in my way for so long. I didn’t want to let you go. I still don’t. I couldn’t sleep that night. I kept wanting to wake you to ask what the hell had just happened.

The first few weeks were a bit difficult, weren’t they? We didn’t see each other much and I was full of fear and confusion. How would people react? Unfortunately the reviews were mixed. What was I going to do? Just wait and see how things worked out, I guess. Did you want me as much as I wanted you? I didn’t know. Could I actually call you my boyfriend? I didn’t know that either. You would come to see me after work. It was always the same: 6.30, Thursday night, outside the QVB. Our spot underneath the fairy-lit fig trees, with the bells of the gothic cathedral, the huge fountain ever gushing, and the screeching of the fruit bats providing our soundtrack as the days got shorter and shorter and we huddled together and ate dinner, if we felt like it. It is one of the busiest thoroughfares in Sydney but if you have good company it can feel like you’re completely alone, just together under the stars, both real and the artificial ones in the trees. It was there where you first kissed me, and I walked home that night feeling completely giddy. My workmates could always tell when it was Date Night – I actually tried to dress up a bit more than usual. Those nights under the trees, watching rats and possums scurrying about, grew longer and longer as we talked and talked more, and then eventually just stopped talking. I will forever have the mud on my sneakers to remind me of those nights, where we parted with only the greatest reluctance.

Once we overcame our initial wariness and shyness, we grew so close so quickly it surprised me. We were utterly in sync with each other. You became my cariad. Love, my darling. I was terrified when you asked me to meet your family at Easter, although you made me laugh when you asked me what my surname was. I guess it just never came up in the conversation. But my fears were unfounded. We all got on well and it was a great day. Later, as we lay together in your bed for the first time, pyjama-clad and unable to sleep, your words of love made all the difference, and I was finally able to express what I’d felt for a very long time – that I was completely and utterly in love with you.

I can honestly say that the birthday I spent with you was the best one I have ever had. It changed everything, cariad, and we became even closer. The photos we took at the birthday dinner make me smile so much. We were fully fledged, and they were our first photos together. The group shot is the best – you have your arms around me, holding me tightly, and your leg wrapped around me with your foot on my lap, pulling me in even closer. You’re looking down at me with this gorgeous smile on your face. I remember practically force feeding you my dinner. At least you’re a cheap night out, I guess. And of course, the best thing about that night is remembering what we did afterwards. Your birthday card was certainly unique, and made me smile. What you wrote on the back made my heart break a little, especially the last line – ‘Will miss you when you’re gone’.

It’s been nearly four months, cariad. Can you believe it? I can’t. And you’ve seen me in all lights, mostly joyous ones but unfortunately some sad ones too. I was almost embarrassed, the first time I cried in front of you. I keep saying to myself that at the airport I won’t cry until I head into the secure area, but you and I both know that’s a complete lie. Has it passed so quickly, cariad? Has our time together really come to an end?

How long will it be until I see you again, cariad? Months? Years? I know the flow of emails and parcels will be fierce on both sides but they will do nothing to assuage my longing, my grief. And when we do see each other, will it be the same? Will we just fall into each other’s arms like we always do? Or will we circle each other warily, aware that we have both changed?

There’s so much I want you to see. So much of the world that I have experienced that I want you to experience. I want to take you to the land of my fathers, where countless generations of my family lived and worked in the valleys, the mines, the sawmills. I want you to see the beauty of the West Country, the windswept Salisbury Plain with the amazing stones that have stood there for time immeasurable, touch the warm spring water of the baths. Take you north to the village that I’ve fallen in love with, take you up even further across the border and show you the cobblestone streets of Edinburgh. I’d do anything to help you if you wanted to be stay there, find people who could take you under their wing. I’d like to take you east across the Channel onto the mainland, to the place where I used to have banana thickshakes, teach you to speak the language that you startled me in by singing with perfect pronunciation. Between you and me, you were very lucky we were in public. I want to live there when I’m old and I’ve learned the language. When I’ve retired and I can devote my life to pursuing art and other pleasures. Hopefully you’ll come with me, cariad, if you wanted to.

I want to take you west across the ocean, to the city where I last felt true happiness before you came into my life. I’ll take you to the little place where I used to get Chinese, we’ll walk the same streets in winter, see grey squirrels, admire the lights on the huge Christmas tree, smell the honey roasted peanuts. Shall we walk hand in hand through the park? I’ll show you the view from the roof of the world, or at least the 88th floor observation deck. It’s such a great place, the world, cariad. You’d love it.

But that’s a long time away. And this is creeping up to be much closer than I expected, or had wanted, it to be. But there are a few things that I want you to know. Firstly, I love you with everything I have. I know that I tell you this a lot, maybe so much that it’s becoming meaningless, but it’s true. You are probably the happiest thing that has ever befallen me, and you mean so much to me. Every second I spend with you is a happy one, and it’s always precious – even if we’re just screwing around, watching DAAS or QI or whatever. Doing silly things. There is not a moment that has ever felt wasted in your company.

Secondly, I am so proud of you and all that you do. You have such a talent, in so many fields. Your voice is gorgeous, your drawings amazing, your playing brilliant, and what little I’ve seen of your writing is great. I hope you know that I mean all of this. And I hope that it never leaves you, no matter what happens. You’re absolutely unique, and over the past couple of days people have said the loveliest things about you to me. Please don’t change, cariad. I know that you’ve worked hard to become the person that I know, and I could not imagine you any other way. Don’t stop creating, don’t stop drawing, don’t cut your hair (too short), don’t get rid of your coat. You’re starting to get recognised, get what you wanted. Hopefully more doors will open to you. I just hope that everything you have ever wanted is laid at your feet – you deserve nothing less.

Thirdly, there will not be a single moment, asleep or awake, in which I will not be thinking about you or missing you. There is no way that I could ever forget about you. Seeing you again will always be the foremost thought in my mind. Of course, I won’t forget to enjoy myself either – after all, this was originally my choice. But it won’t be quite the same without you. I just hope that you’ll think about me too.

I know that this will be difficult and who knows, we might not be able to handle the strain, but I hope that we can. We both knew what we were getting ourselves into, and we both chose to be with each other in spite of it. I know that what we have is strong. Nothing is forever. I would rather have spent these last blissful months with you, even if it doesn’t work out, than have spent the rest of my life wondering. But if I need to, and if you need me to, I will come back. Or if you want to, you can come over. Either way, in the end, we will be together.

In the meantime, I have my memories, my photos, our songs. I feel better that I can watch you smashing your guitar anytime, hear you sing. I can read the book you bought me and remember you. I can listen to the songs you gave me, watch the DVDs you made for me. Look at the pictures you drew for me. I just hope that I’ve left enough of myself behind so you can do the same.

So, goodbye, my love.

Until next time.