Silence

© 2006 -sn0w-dr0p-

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I usually saw her on the bus sitting alone. Her face would always have looked like as if in pain, in regrets, in an effort to try and forget everything. I saw her sad and droopy eyelids trying desperately to reveal yet only a little of her beautiful black pupils. Her long eyelashes tried to conceal all the emotions that her pupils portrayed yet to no avail. I would just sit there, a seat behind her, and stared at her reflection on the mirror above the driver’s head. The bus continued to pass along the long road and I continued to stare at her to the point that I believed I was obsessed at her own image. Her image was engraved in my brain that everyday the only person I ever thought of or longed to see was her. Even though she was merely a random passenger on the bus, I somehow got attracted to those sad and beautiful eyes, that sad and beautiful figure, that silence that we shared when she, no matter how hard I tried, never noticed me.

I didn’t know why not too many days later I didn’t see her on the bus. I waited from the time the bus started off early in the morning at her route till the time the bus stopped really late at night at her route. It was ridiculous if anyone hears this that I waited for someone I didn’t know or have never even talked with. Her existence somehow transformed me into an utterly idiot, a coward, a stalker that I started to ridicule myself. I hated myself for being weak and couldn’t approach her until it was too late to even say “Hi, can I sit here with you?” I would have at least felt better that I talked to the person who I was being attracted to the point of idiomatic. I would have felt so much better to just hear her replies, acceptance or rejection didn’t matter. For the next three years I never saw her figure on the bus for even once. I smiled silently to myself everyday trying to persuade my inner feelings to forget, forgive, and move on. I wonder for long was it that I stared outside the window everyday hoping that I will somehow see her lasting image. I wonder how was it that I just silently sat in the bus waiting for time to pass by and for the bus to finally arrive at my stop. I wonder for how long was it that I started yearning to see only a stranger. I wonder since when did I started to wonder so much.

The new semester started and I finally had to face the decision on what class to take, or more in an educational term, to learn. I sat there on my desk looking at the school’s booklet on the classes that I could choose from for that fall semester. All of a sudden as if nature called out to me, I stared outside from the window in my dorm. I looked at the falling leaves, the beautiful white birds that flew up in the sky, the trees, the dawning day, and the wind. The wind that blew across everything in its course, the wind that I wanted so much to blow me away as well, maybe could free my mind. I picked up the school’s booklet and decided that I wanted to capture nature in my heart. I wanted to try and trapped nature forever in my brain, my soul, and my feelings. I took a long deep breath of the autumn’s breeze and smiled to myself.

“Maybe the fall of autumn can wash away my stupidity.”

I was late on my first day of art class. I ran to the room to find it void of human existence. I looked around for traces of creatures that share the same earth with me but found no clue. However, the windows were open with noises of the inviting autumn season. I looked outside and down on the school’s yard. There was a group of people holding sketches in their hands and drawing. Their gazes were all directly staring at the trees, the leaves, the sun, the wind, or the humans joyfully hoping for winter. Winter, the season of cold and loneliness for me; I wonder when it will come and why people were anticipating for its appearance? Was it because during winter there is hope for family reunion, for a lover’s warmth, or for relatives’ warm wishes of happiness and blessings? Was it because the beginning of winter signals the end of one’s year and people usually hope for a better next year? For whatever reason it was never important to me because I had no family to begin with, I had no lover to share warmth with, and I definitely had no relatives who would even care for my well being. Suddenly a knock on the door grasped me from my deep thoughts and I was returned back to reality facing what people call emptiness.

“We are drawing out in the yard. Are you in the class?” The person spoke with a low voice. He had the least bit of nice facial features on him. He looked grim and old yet his appearance did not carry any harm. He looked around fifty years old with his big, round, figure standing near the hallway. In his hand held a sketchbook that its drawings I couldn’t see.

“And?” He asked again trying to reassure me that I was in the world of the humans. I smiled and nodded my head. “Well then let’s go.” He said and walked downstairs. I trailed behind him silently just to see how long he could walk down the staircase with me. Usually people found my existence bothersome because the only thing I would do was smiling and nodding my head. I found speaking a waste of effort especially to people who do not know me and who I do not know. Well, the only exception was that girl with beautiful sad eyes.

I exited the school building into the yard to face the concrete wind that I longed to blow me away. I took a deep breath and the teacher ignored me to go ahead. After a few minutes of relaxing, I finally caught up to him and he turned to look at me, examined me for a minute, then returned to his old self of disapproving my actions. At that specific moment, I realized that human could not exist when people around them were being silent. Human could not tolerate other human beings ignoring and not answering them. I realized the reason why other people could not tolerate my own existence near them. Even so, I just smiled and followed behind the footsteps that did not welcome me. He finally halted and told me to find myself a place to examine the beautiful nature so that I could capture it in my drawings. I nodded my head and got out my sketchbook. I never tried art before so I didn’t know how in the world I could capture nature in my drawings. I looked around to find anyone who had more experience in art that could help me. Around and around I looked and my eyes finally settled among the masses one person whose figure I had wanted to forget yet longed to see. It was the girl with the beautiful sad eyes.

Slowly I sent my steps forward and quickly my heart thrust against my chest. My heavy breathings, my shaking hands, my eyes fixed on her, and my whole body seemed frozen yet still able to take as many steps as possible to reach her. In my mind I thoughts of all things I could say to her. Should I greet her with a smile, should I shake her hands, should I be casual or be formal? My head was filled with thoughts as I walked that I neglected to just be happy and be my own self. With the last step that I could take before I reached the same ground as hers, she finally looked up and noticed my existence for the first time. God, I thought to myself, if only her beautiful sad eyes were always fixed on me then my heart wouldn’t be trapped in that icy cold shield of emptiness.

She just stared at me while the wind naturally blew her hair allowing me to see her rosy cheeks and red lips. Her skin looked so smoothly perfect that acne could never stand a chance of surviving. From looking at her eyes, I could tell that she wanted to know why I was there. Among all the possible words that I could have said to her, I chose to say “Hi.” She smiled and nodded her head. She didn’t say anything back and just silently return my stares.

“What is your name?” I asked her after I told myself a thousand times to be natural in front of her or else she might be suspicious.

She smiled again but this time she used her long index fingers to point to herself, then touched her red lips, and shook her head. For some unknown reason, I realized that all the effort I had tried to come up with beautiful words to speak to her were all in vain. All the time that I hated myself for not talking with her was indeed my own fault and sufferings. All the time I expected her voice to be that of an angel was indeed merely fantasy.

She couldn’t even speak her name.

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The End!