Cause I'm a mess and you know that I can't help it
The drive home never seemed this long before
Killing time just a little bit faster
And I swear we'll make it

But I can't tell you what I don't know
(Be mine tonight, be mine tonight)
The simple things, they make my heart go
(Be mine tonight, be mine tonight)
But I can't tell you what I don't know
You'll have to wait
You'll have to wait

Stay strong
And only know that it'll be here while I am gone
Because I'm coming home
Coming home tonight
Let's get this right
I said I'm coming home
Coming home tonight

You sounded hurt and you know that I believe you
Searching every little thing to find a way
To tell your heart just to wait a little longer
I swear we'll make it

But I can't tell you what I don't know
(Be mine tonight, be mine tonight)
The simple things, they make my heart go
(Be mine tonight, be mine tonight)
But I can't tell you what I don't know
You'll have to wait
You'll have to wait

Stay strong
And only know that it'll be here while I am gone
Because I'm coming home
Coming home tonight
Let's get this right
I said I'm coming home
Coming home tonight

One more night
And we'll go spinning around the room
It starts with our hearts on fire
Cause every song is ours tonight
And if you help me sing
Change the whole world
That it's greatest thing that happened to me
I finally found a good reason to come home

Take This to Heart
Mayday Parade

chapter 11
coming home

The next morning Nolen woke up with a massive headache. He’d stayed up most of the night listening to the conversations around him. Most of them were regarding him and Heidi either way. The entire team was in an uproar over the affair that they had and were taking Troy’s side on the situation. Nolen didn’t even think Troy was allowed a side since they’d broken up a couple weeks ago. Hell, he’d cheated on Heidi first for heaven sake but no one was defending that.

He rose from his sleeping bag and rubbed the side of his back that was killing him. He flipped back the fabric and saw that he’d been sleeping on a jagged rock all night. He swore since he would probably have massive back pains all day. Thinking about the amount of work that he had ahead of him wasn’t helping either.

“Nolen,” Mack said getting his attention and motioning for him to join them. He sighed and threw his covers off before stumbling to his feet and slowly walking towards Mack and Marge. He joined them around the fire they’d built and nodded a good morning to Marge who gave him a tight smile in return.

“Well, how’d you sleep?” Marge asked handing him a bowl of oatmeal which he accepted without complaint. He hated oatmeal but didn’t want to refuse anything from her since he knew he was in a lot of trouble.

“Fine, thanks.” Nolen muttered in response while taking a small bite of food. He almost gagged as its slimy texture slid down his throat but he forced it to stay down.

“Well, in light of the events of last night we’ve decided that once we return to the farm tomorrow we’ll be sending you home.” Mack said without remorse.

“Excuse me?” Nolen asked slightly confused about what they’d said. He knew he was going to eventually be going home, but he thought he’d be there another four weeks at least.

“We’ll be sending you home, early.” Mack confirmed his worst fear for him. Nolen had no idea why he was so anxious all of a sudden about going home, something he’d wanted to do since the day he’d stepped off that damn plane back in May.

He glanced across the yard to where Heidi sat with her brothers, picking at her plate without much notice to what was going on around her. She looked up and met Nolen’s glance, as if she knew he’d been watching her. Her face narrowed towards him and she scowled into her food.

Nolen turned back to Mack and Marge who were explaining the details of his departure and how he wasn’t going to be expected to do much of anything until then. They wanted him staying out of the way that day while they went through the motions of branding the cattle. Nolen listened but didn’t comprehend most of what they were saying as his thoughts traveled. He saw Heidi get up from the circle and walk towards the river.

He excused himself from Mack and Marge and walked after her, he needed a chance to talk to her in order to explain the things that were said the night before. He needed her to know the truth before he left.

“Nolen,” Abigail said stopping him in his path. She grabbed onto his arm and swung him around so he faced the campsite and she faced Heidi. He could almost feel Heidi’s gaze glaring into his back as Abigail hung off of him. He looked past her shoulder and saw Flint and Ian glaring as well as they finished their breakfast and started helping their father.

“What?” Nolen asked pulling his arm out of her grasp and narrowing his eyebrows towards her. He was annoyed by her behavior and wished she would leave him alone. She was just a pest in every way.

“How’d you sleep?” she asked smiling brightly and bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“Fine,” he muttered suspecting that she was up to something.

“Yeah, me too.” She nodded in agreement. “Where are you off to?”

“The river,”

“After Heidi?”

“Is there something I can help you with?”

“I told her.” Abigail said. Nolen felt like someone had thrown a cup of cold water down his back. He took a step away from her and stared while processing what she’d said. He prayed she didn’t mean what he thought she meant.

“What?” he asked for clarification.

“I told Heidi, the truth.” Abigail said again, glowing as if that had been something he wanted her to do.

“You told her what?” he said with a harsh laugh. “What the hell would you have told her?”

“About us, about our night together.”

“Why?”

“Why not?”

“Why would you tell her that?”

“Because she deserved to know the truth.”

“No she didn’t! She would be just fine without knowing that.”

“If I was in her shoes I would want to know.”

“Well thank god you aren’t!”

“Wow, it’s so nice to know I mean something to you.”

“But you don’t!” Nolen barked growing madder by the minute. He could feel himself loosing Heidi without even having to fight with her. This information was enough to send her catapulting away from him in more ways than he could imagine. He didn’t even know why it mattered to him so much but he couldn’t imagine the consequences that were going to occur.

“Exactly what every girl wants to hear.” Abigail muttered rolling her eyes.

“Jesus, don’t you see?” he tried to explain without being a complete asshole even though he knew he was way past that. “You were a drunken one night stand. I don’t want to be with you, I don’t want anything with you. I can barely stand being in your presence. Being with you is like a punishment that I can’t get away from!”

“Well you certainly know how to make a girl blush.” She murmured crossing her arms over her chest and staring at him with a blank face. He couldn’t tell if she was mad or if she already knew this information and just didn’t like hearing it out loud.

“I’m not trying to make you blush, Abigail. I’m not trying to get a reaction from you at all. All I want you to do is leave me the fuck alone.” He ordered in her direction.

“Why? So you can continue your whirlwind affair with Heidi?”

“You know what? My relationship with Heidi has nothing to do with you, so I wish you’d keep your fat mouth closed for once instead of blowing off to any person who’ll listen to you.” He said striking a nerve. He watched her cheek twitch as she clenched her teeth together in frustration.

“Funny, I didn’t see you complaining about being blown off.” Her eyebrow rose as she waited for his response. He was tired of arguing with her in circles and didn’t know what other harmful things he could say to make her leave him alone.

“That’s because I was half conscience at the time.” he said rolling his eyes.

“Well, I can see that this conversation is going nowhere.” She took a deep sigh and gave him a tight smile before turning around and walking back to the campsite. He watched her leave with satisfaction and turned around to follow after Heidi.

He caught up with her on the edge of the river and saw her in the final stages of washing off her face and hands. “Hey you.” Nolen said with a grin as he checked out her ass. She stood abruptly and turned to face him with a scowl.

“What do you want?”

“Just thought I’d come see how you were doing. How’d you sleep?” he asked using the same question on her that Abigail had used on him.

“Seriously, I’m not in the mood to chat with you.” She hissed holding up a hand to stop him.

“Come on Heidi, just talk to me. You can’t be that mad about last night.”

“Oh really? I’m so glad I have you here to tell me how I should and should not feel.”

“You know I don’t mean it like that.”

“Are you sure? Because, it certainly sounds like that.”

“Heidi would you just hear me out—”

“No, I don’t want to hear it Nolen, I don’t want any more lies or secrets or double meaning’s to everything you say. Be honest with me, for once in your life.” She pleaded staring him down.

“Okay, okay! Ask me anything. I swear I’ll tell you the truth.” He froze at hearing his own words. He couldn’t believe he’d actually said that to her and he knew the only thing that was going to come from it was trouble.

“Did you smoke pot at the Fourth of July carnival?” she asked.

“Yes.” He rolled his eyes at the obscurity of her question. He really didn’t see the drugs as that big of a deal though everyone else did.

“Did you sleep with Abigail at her birthday party?” she asked after staring at him for a few seconds and taking a deep breath. He’d prayed she wouldn’t ask him that question.

Lie buddy, fucking lie

“No,” he muttered.

“Honestly?” she asked narrowing her eyes.

“Honestly. I didn’t sleep with Abigail.” He glanced to the left and knew he was done for. There was no way Heidi hadn’t caught that.

She watched him for a reaction, any reaction. He could feel that he was being viewed and processed in her mind and he knew he was screwed. Her calm face tightened and she glared towards him with a roll of her eyes.

“You’re lying!” she yelled pointing towards him with her finger and fighting the urge to throw up her hands.

“Okay, okay, I lied. But I didn’t want to hurt you.” He replied giving in the second she accused him. He wasn’t in the mood to fight with her. He felt the urge to reach out and pull her into some wild, passionate kiss that would stop all the argument, but something told him to hold off on that for a few minutes.

“And you don’t think this hurts me?” she asked with a bark.

“I don’t know, I wasn’t thinking, I just wanted to cover my own ass.” He explained with a roguish smile.

“Like always, right? It’s all about you and saving your own ass, right?”

“No, it’s not always about covering my ass. Sometimes I cover for other people to.” He joked hoping that would calm her down a little bit. All it did was make her madder.

“You’re incredible, do you know that?” he knew she didn’t mean it in a good way but he certainly took it like that.

“I know, my mom tells me that quite often actually.” He smiled attempting to lighten the mood.

“Shut up, Nolen.”

“Come on, lighten up.”

“Fuck you!” she suddenly shouted which caught him off guard. He was done with playing Mr-Nice-Guy that was for sure. If she was going to shout then so was he.

“Fine! Fuck you as well!” he shouted in reply which really got her mad.

“I would’ve been a lot better off if I’d never got involved with you in the first place!” she shouted taking deep breaths to calm herself down. “I should’ve resisted you and your damn temptations.”

“Oh really? Well you know the problem with resisting temptation, Heidi?” Nolen shouted at her while squeezing his lips together to contain his anger. “The more you continue to resist it the more tempting it becomes and sooner or later that feeling will pass but it’ll never come around again and then you’ll be stuck in a mundane marriage for the rest of your life to a guy who isn’t even worth your time!”

“Well it would be better to be with him than to be stuck in another fucking lie with you!” Heidi shouted back at him. He knew that those back at the campsite could most likely hear their argument. Hell the entire South could probably hear them fighting, but he didn’t care at that second. All he wanted was for the fighting to be over and for Heidi to give in to him again. He didn’t want to have to commit to anything with her, not when he was going home soon, but he didn’t want to miss out on the chance of what could still happen in the next few weeks.

“Oh like your precious little boyfriend didn’t lie to you?” Nolen narrowed his eyes towards her at her hypocrisy. “Hell babe at least I didn’t put you in a committed relationship then fucked your best friend, at least I gave you a shred of dignity to hold on to.”

“Gee thanks for that, because this humiliation is so much better than what it could’ve been.” Heidi mocked with a sharp, hollow laugh. “I can sleep well at night now that I know it wasn’t as bad as it could be.”

“You need to get off your high horse,” Nolen spat.

“You need to grow some balls!”

“Grow up!”

“Go fuck yourself.” She replied just as venomous.

“Why do you even care? Huh? What’s this really about? Because the last time I checked we weren’t exclusive, we weren’t even dating, so why does it matter to you so much?”

“I’m in love with you!” she yelled before the realization and shock of what she said overcame her face. Nolen faltered in his response since he hadn’t been expecting that and stared at her.

“How?”

“I don’t know, trust me I have no idea.”

“But, why?”

“God only knows. You’re so self-absorbed and egotistical and a prick and I can’t stand you most of the time. You annoy me and put me on edge and drive my hormones and mind insane! I just can’t stand the way you make me feel but I hate being gone from you at the same time. I hate when you pay attention to other people and not me, and I hate when you don’t talk to me or when you don’t want me around. I hate that I can’t seem to stop thinking about you and that I can’t wait to argue with you again because you always show your true feelings when you’re mad at me.”

“I don’t love you,” he replied calmly realizing that it was the truth. He didn’t love her. He wasn’t in love with her. It was just a really big infatuation that he had with her. He imagined it would pass once he went home, but for the time being he just wanted to be with her. He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with her, just that moment.

“I know, I’m not asking you to.” She muttered with a shrug while wiping her nose with her finger. She’d started crying during her rant and her nose was running at that point. Nolen wished he had something to offer her, a napkin or a tissue, but all he had was his sleeve and he wasn’t enough of a gentleman to offer it to her.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered as if that were going to solve the problem. He knew it wouldn’t. He knew nothing was going to fix what he’d broken inside of her, but he hoped, he hoped that one day she would forgive him.

Good to his word Mack sent Nolen home on the plane Monday morning. He stood next to his truck at the dusty road they called an airport as Nolen handed his bags off to the captain of the plane and turned to say his last farewell to Heidi. She had her arms crossed lightly over her chest and was biting the corner of her lip. Her hair was loose and in matted curls around her face from not washing it all weekend.

When she’d heard the news that he was going to be leaving that morning she’d gone to her parents and argued with them half the night. Nothing she did convinced them to change their mind. In fact Nolen suspected it clarified their suspicions that things would continue between the two of them if he stayed and made their urge to get rid of him final.

“So this is goodbye?” she asked with a shrug while staring up at him and squinting against the sun.

“Yep, this is goodbye,” he murmured in response before shooting a glance at her father. He didn’t look too happy as he waited impatiently for Heidi. Marge and Molly had been the only other people to say goodbye to him that morning while everyone else just glared. He’d ridden the entire way there cramped beside Heidi in the front seat of Mack’s car. He resisted the want to reach out and touch her since he knew Mack would’ve had a field day.

“Will I see you again, sometime?” she asked.

“I don’t want to promise anything.” he shrugged shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He’d finally put on the loose pair he’d worn the first day there but found that they didn’t fit comfortably anymore so he stuck to the Levi’s he’d been wearing all summer.

“Okay, well it was fun while it lasted, right?” as if she needed reassurance that she was a good lay.

“Of course it was. Chin up, kid.” He smiled tapping her chin for good measure which made her roll her eyes.

“I’m not a kid,” she smiled.

“Not anymore at least” he winked and backed away from her in order to distance himself. He didn’t think he could stand being in her presence any longer than necessary. He already felt the need to have her right there.

“Keep in touch?”

“Maybe.”

“Yeah, maybe.” She nodded as if they really were going to talk after he left. He turned and started towards the plane before stopping at her voice. When he looked back she’d jogged the small distance between them and wrapped her arm around his neck. She pulled him towards her for a quick, lustful kiss which made him regret every bad decision he’d made while there.

“I have to go.” He muttered as he heard the plane engines start up behind him. He looked over her shoulder and saw that Mack had taken a couple of steps towards them but had stopped and placed his hands on his hips instead.

Nolen nodded towards them and picked up his fallen backpack before walking quickly to get on the plane. The captain glanced towards him before closing the door tightly and ordering Nolen to take his seat and put on his seatbelt. He sighed and saw Heidi walk back towards the truck as they watched the plane taking off. And with one look behind him, they were gone.

“Welcome home, baby.” His mom greeted wrapping her arms around his torso once he walked through the terminal and reached the designated spot where arriving flights exited. He returned her hug out of the sheer fact that he really had missed her and took a deep sigh. When she released him his dad shook his hand before pulling him into a quick one-armed hug.

“We’re glad your back, son.” He said with a smile. “Though you do realize you’re still grounded for the rest of the summer.”

“Fine,” Nolen muttered shrugging his shoulders while taking a step back from his parents and swinging his duffle bag over his shoulders. His parents gave him another tight smile before turning and leading the way towards the car. He sighed as he stepped into the Houston humidity and followed his parents to the Expedition. Apparently none of his sisters or brothers had decided to tag along. He almost wished they had so he would have someone his own age to talk to instead of attempting to think of conversation with his parents. They’d obviously been called by Mack and informed of his behavior, hence his prolonged grounding, and he wanted to delay the inevitable conversation with them as long as possible.

The drive home was long and quiet with the only sound being the radio which was playing the classics from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s; his mom’s favorite station. Nolen leaned his head against the window and shut his eyes. He was tired from the flight and the humidity wasn’t helping. Besides, all he saw when he tried to sleep was Heidi’s figure in his mind. He could still smell the soap she used lingering on his skin from her last hug and the soft feel of her hair against his cheek. He wished he hadn’t screwed up so bad and been forced to leave early. Those extra weeks with Heidi would’ve been worth staying celibate.

Once they reached their suburban neighborhood he slowly climbed out of the car with his things and stared at his house. It was nothing like the ranch house he’d grown accustomed to living in and it didn’t hold the same people at the end of a long days work. He followed his parents into the house and saw that his sisters and brothers along with their numerous significant others were waiting for him in the living room.

“Hey Nolen,” his sister Jen was the first to stand and greet him. He gave her a hug in return like he had his mother before giving his other sister Kate one as well. He nodded a greeting towards his brothers who all responded with calls and waves.

“How was it?” Teddy asked as everyone waiting for his answer.

“Fine.” He shrugged while nodding his head. There was a silence in the room that usually would’ve been filled up with more talk or laughter but it felt awkward and forced at that moment. He didn’t know why it was weird to talk to his siblings, but he didn’t feel like sustaining it.

“You look different,” Kate commented causing everyone to turn and stare at him. He could feel their eyes glancing him over and soaking in whatever Kate saw.

“Thanks.” Nolen muttered with another nod.

“Want to watch a movie with us?” Kate asked resuming her spot on the couch beside Quinn and Jen.

“No thanks.” Nolen replied shaking his head and picking his duffle bag back up.

“Are you sure?” his brother’s girlfriend Penelope asked from her position between Teddy’s legs on the floor.

“Yeah, I’m going to go lie down for a while.” He muttered backing out of the living room. Everyone called out their good-byes as he mounted the stairs towards his room. When he got inside he realized that Teddy had left his side of the room exactly as Nolen had. The bed wasn’t made and dirty clothes were piled on top. He could just add those to the pile in his duffle bag.

Nolen sighed and set his duffle bag on his bed before getting out all of his dirty clothes. They still smelled like the ranch. He took a deep breath and filled his lungs with the last taste of Heidi before dumping them in a pile with his other clothes.

He fished around his room until he found a large laundry basket and emptied out Teddy’s clean clothes. He picked those up and set them on his bed before turning around and filling the basket with his dirty ones. With a second thought and possibly an insane nerve in his brain he folded all of Teddy’s clothes and set them on his bed before he left. He made his way to the laundry room and put in a large load of his clothes, starting with the ones that smelled like her. He was tempted to put in extra soap but knew his mom would yell at him.

He went to the bathroom and ripped off the clothes he was wearing which also smelled like the ranch and added them to the load as well.

“Jesus Nolen, we know you’ve been living in the wilderness all summer but we assumed you were wearing clothes.” Jen joked running into him in the hall.

“Shut up,” he muttered going back to his room. He grabbed a pair of Teddy’s basketball shorts and pulled them on before collapsing on his bed and throwing his arm over his eyes. He felt the end of his bed sink under the weight of someone and peeked open his eyes to see Jen crossing her legs underneath her as she settled at his feet.

“So how was it?” she asked after giving him a few minutes of silence.

“Fine.”

“Don’t use one worded responses with me.” Jen replied softly. He could almost sense the eye roll that she was giving him.

“What do you want to hear?” he asked sitting up on his elbows and waiting for her response. He didn’t know what she was looking for and he really wasn’t in the mood to explain anything to her. Not now at least. “Have I made drastic changes in my life? Have I stopped using drugs? Have I stopped drinking? Did I knock anyone up? What?”

“Yes, all of the above. Well, except the knocking someone up thing. I didn’t know you were sexually active.” She made a face with a cracked smile before turning back to him and giving him a nudge with her foot.

“Yes.”

“Well?”

“Yes, to all of the above.”

“You knocked someone up?”

“I slept with someone, two someone’s.” he muttered with half a smile as he thought about Heidi and the way her body fit his perfectly and how they were able to move against each other in smooth motions.

“Red neck.” She muttered as a joke. “How’d that play out?”

“I’m home a month early.” Nolen commented raising an eyebrow towards her. “How do you think it played out?”

“Yeah, mom filled us in on the dirty details.” Jen added confirming for him that no secret can be kept in their family. They just didn’t work out. Everyone always ended up finding out everyone’s dirty laundry.

“Then why are you asking?” he muttered rolling over on his side and settling his hands beneath his head. He really was exhausted and all he wanted to do was sleep it all off. He hoped that would comfort him enough to make him forget. Or get him mad enough to let her go.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” she said softly before a knock on their door interrupted her further. Nolen looked over his shoulder and saw Jen’s boyfriend, Andrew, walk in and apologize.

“Jen, we better get going before we’re late.” He commented reminding his sister about their dinner plans. Jen gave Nolen a smile before patting his leg a few times and scooting off the bed. She paused at the door and tapped her finger against the frame a few times before speaking.

“Maybe you should call her,” she said with a hesitant breath. “I’m sure it would help a lot.”

Nolen didn’t reply as he turned back over onto his side and waited to hear the door close. When it did he pulled out his cell phone and started to scan through his numbers, landing on the one he’d been looking for. He saw her name lit up in bold letters but couldn’t bring himself to press the little green button that would connect his voice to hers.

A/N : So...this is the end. Yep. The end of this story! I'm finally finished with it and on to the next project! lol. I hope it ended the way everyone wanted, well, I know it didn't end the way anyone wanted it to end but this is the way it must be. Heidi and Nolen were not to be a couple in the end and this is my final writing of them. Sorta...

Thanks for all the wonderful reviews and support!

kelyn