A/N First fic so be gentle.. or at least wait till I grab the marshmallows before flaming!

Written in Scots/chav

No beta

Mirror, mirror…

Looking back … I ’hink I could pin doon the beginnin’ to one month….but maybe tha’ isnae right. Maybe it began before then…maybe it never really started, y’ken? How do ye find the beginnin’ of wha’ was a lifestyle? Can ye? It never really started… until it spiralled outa control- did it spiral outa control? I ken you ’hink it did…Maybe I’m going aboot this all wrong. I dinnae really know…I still dinnae really ken why I have tae dae this…I mean its no gonna to change anythin’, I’m still gonna to be here.

Rachel says I have tae dae it. “It’ll help”, she says- yeah cause she kens wha’ll help. Doesn’t matter that I dinnae want to do it, that I dinnae have a problem! But she says I have tae dae it… hate no being in control …but that’s wha’ got me in here in the first place suppose. Maybe if I dae this they will give me some peace. Let me eat in place – how distractin’ is it tae have someone hover at yer shoulder while trying to choke down what passes for food in here? I mean back off a little! So here it goes…

Suppose it coulda been the summer Gram’s died. After she died, da went off the deep end. He’d always been ‘a little too fond o’ the bottle’ as ma said but after it was like it was an extension o’ his arm. Never went anywhere wi’oot it. Fell asleep wi’ it tae. He smelt like whiskey all the time. Disgustin’. Grams always smelt like peppermint. Gave me a mint and a poond every time I saw her. Great when I was, like, five but at thirteen a poond was hardly somethin’ tae jump up and doon for. When I came back from the funeral smelling like peppermint da went mental: just kept screaming and screaming at me and then at ma when she told him to pack it in. At first ma was dead patient wi’ him; but after a coupl’a month he still hadnae improved, if anythin’ he got worse. Got mare and mare attached tae the bottle. Finally one day ma had had enough. Moved oot we did. One day I was livin’ wi da, the next we had moved. And no just hoose; city. So here I was; wi’ nay mates, nay grams and a ma who dinnae know if she was daeing the right ‘hing!

For the first few weeks I just wandered roond. Trying tae get a feel for the city y’ken? Found some amazing shops like. But isnae much fun by yerself, gets kinda lonely. I’d always been a sporty person so I looked for a decent gym. Didnea like the look o’ the first one - the one just roond the corner- some doggy lookin’ folk hangin’ roond, so I figured I’d go further oot. Gave me a chance tae explore tae. Truth be telt it was unnerving like. I used to know all the good places tae hang but noo I coulda always ‘mind wha’ bus tae get hame! Eventually I found a leisure centre. Had a great gym and an Olympic pool. Best ‘hing though was the swimming team; just for beginners like. And tha’ was how I met Jenny.

At first I though’ she was an instructor- an assistant like, no my age. As it turned oot she was on the team and friendly as. And ye dinnea half notice her. Even wi’ the dodgy swimming cap she looked like she walked outa a blimmen mag. Anyway, she walks righ’ tae us, all cool like. “Awriiiigh?” she says. At least I ‘hink tha’s wha she said. Didnae half have a strong accent like. I had trouble believing’ I was still in the same country! But there I was, probably lookin’ totally naff, nae clue as tae what tae say tae her apart fae “hey”; great convo there. No that it bothered her like. She telt me all aboot her school- mainly aboot how borin’ it were, how her mates were all on hols at the mo, that she hadnae seen me before and that had to mean I was new …actually lookin’ back I ‘hink she spoke mare at me than anythin’. But at the time I ‘hink I was so relieved tae have someone to talk tae- besides me ma that is. And great as my ma is- well she can be a bit naff y’ken? I mean… she’s pretty ancient. But all the time Jenny was talkin’ tae me I couldnae get over how pretty she was- no tae mention tall. I almost got a crick in ma neck lookin’ at her. I mean, I ken I’m small for ma age but she was easy 5”8. Turned oot I wasnae wrong far off the mark when I thought she’d walked outa a mag- done a few spreads had Jenny. Nuttin’ big likes- bliss, a couple bits for gap- but as she quick tae pointed oot, ye had to start somewhere.

Jenny was great. Kent all the places where all the cute guys hung and where tae avoid. Didnae matter where we went, she turned heeds. Shopping wi’ her was embarrassing though. No because of anythin’ she did likes! It was just that…well, she looked great in everythin’. Standing next to her lookin’ into the mirror and seein’ an illustration for ‘antithesis’ that ma English teach was always goin’ on aboot. She was the typical model with pageant personality. You ken I ‘hink she really did want world peace likes… But then there was me. Short, fat, little me. We were like… night and day. I kent I wasnae gonnae be Britian’s Next Top Model, no by a long shot…but seeing wha’ she looked like really made me realise how I’d let maself go. I mean I was a size 12! Barely five foot and a 12- can ye imagine how I musta looked in a swimsuit! Yuck. Jenny was an 8 and she was well taller than me.

So I started goin’ tae the gym after school- ye ken tae try and loose some of the excess. Plus it gave me a great excuse no tae go hame- da was tryin’ tae get ma back. Could hear him begging doon the phone at her and tha’ always led tae a fight. Honestly ye’d think that they would at least be able to talk doon the phone - as bad as the other they are! Anyway, at first I thought it might have been workin’ but I soon realized it wasnae. I just had tae look in the mirror tae see it!

Jenny didnae understand why I was so ‘obsessed’ with goin’ tae the gym. Said it was borin’. She got a couple mare jobs in mags- her ma was ecstatic. Jenny kept goin’ on about how all she wanted tae dae was act and modelling was borin’ (I was beginin’ tae wonder wha’ wasnae borin’ tae her) I couldnae- and still canny- understand tha’- how could she no wanna model? ‘Hink she’s done a couple o’ plays since then…

Anyway, after a coupl’a month I was barely down tae a 10; despite the fact I was daeing aboot five hours a day! One lousy dress size! And if that wasnae bad enough, da kept comin’ round so ma and him could ‘talk’. Scream mare like. Said he wanted tae see me on weekends and stuff; ma didnae want me tae, no wi’out her there. I mean hello, do I no get a say?

Goin’ tae the gym was great- I could dae as I liked for as long as I liked. No one there told ye wha’ or how tae dae anything- just left ye tae it unless ye wanted thum tae help. I could control how much or little I did or dinnea dae- brill. Runnin’ was ma fav. I could dae it anywhere tae- like when ma and da got heated, I’d just run for as long as hard as I could.

School was a pain. Teachers kept goin’ on about how I never did ma homework- bunch o’ old lairs. I did dae it. Just cause I never wrote a freaking novel or did twenty pages of math… and even Jenny was gettin’ on ma case. Kept goin’ about how all I ever did was gae tae the gym and I never listened tae her problems. Like she had problems- she was a freaking model! Guys loved her! No like me….

I figured if I cut out all the junk I ate I could get doon to my ideal size much quicker. So I stopped snacking. Glass of OJ in the morn and an apple for lunch. Couldnae believe how much I ate! All of it junk.

Between the exercising and reducing ma food intake, I figured it would only take like a month tae get down tae an eight. But even then I still looked huge. Couldnae see any difference. By this point Jenny had all but stopped calling me and ma and da were going at WWIV. Runnin’ seemed to be ma saving grace. Nuttin’ mattered tae me when I ran. No ma and da, no that Jenny hadnae called me in two weeks, no the fact I still couldnae fit inta that skirt I had bough’….

I dinea really ‘member wha’ happened that night… ma was screaming at da again(honestly I never saw more o’ him since we moved oot), Jenny had being havin’ a go at me for my ‘stupid obsession’ wi’ the gym (like she could talk miss teen model!) , the school had called yet again tha’ day cause they were ‘worried’ aboot me (bunch of interfering old bats, obviously nothin’ better tae dae than nose inta ma life)…I just wanted tae clear ma head ye ken? Aboot the only good thin’ tha’ had happened was it was ma third day of fasting. Goin’ tae give myself a treat the morning wi’ a bowl of cereal- one wi’ like next to no calories of course- no point wasting three days hard work y’ken. Anyway next ‘hing I kent I was in a hospital. I had ‘fainted’. Okay so I had had a few dizzy spells but that was normal ain’t it? Hardly something to make a song and dance aboot… but they says I was too thin. Thin! I couldnae believe it- of all the sarky remarks! Thought doctors were supposed to be serious like, no tae mention sympathetic. Did they ‘hink tha’ they were bein’ funny? Ha. If I was ‘thin’ did they really ‘hink tha I wouldnae be able to get into tha skirt I bought months ago? Or tha I still look like the hulk(minus the green skin ‘hing)?

Apparently the school had contacted ma (obviously they have nuffin better tae dae) and let her ken their worries and of course she said she had been worried aboot me tae (obviously this was between bein’ tae angry wi’ da tae even notice if I was there, the job that meant she was never aroond and yellin’ at me tae dae ma homework the rarity she was). After many long (and extremely borin’) sessions wi’ the doctor and such like later- I ended up here, where, of course I met Rachel (another THIN and very pretty woman).

So I fainted twice in one week- big deal. I like exercisin’ and ma eating patterns are just fine thank you very much. I do NOT have a problem. I need to lose weight. I’m so big you almost canae fit ma reflection in a mirror. The part ye can see- it makes me sick. No one has the righ’ to be this huge. I ken that’s no wha’ you wanna hear Rachel but tha’ is the truth. I don’t need to be here in WW- I just need to loose some mare weight, just one mare stone then I’ll stop. I gota be thin enough. Just one mare stone…

BR

A/N So? R&R. All comments are helpful- and I have the 'mallows waiting!