When I was little
not even three
my "loving" daddy
was abusing me.
I thought it meant
he loved me so
I was young...
I didn't know.
It had no pattern
it just happened.
Sometimes with his hands
sometimes with a weapon.
He'd beat my mom
with so much anger
then he'd come to me
after making me watch her.
I couldn't understand why
he was angered so
I thought if I let him
I'd get to know.
I thought that if he hit me
he would eventually stop
his anger would be gone
and I'd have my pop.
I was wrong.
It never ended...
it kept on happening
my heart never mended.
But with me
it didn't stop with just violence
sometimes he told me
to take off my pants.
He'd touch me.
He'd hurt me.
Whenever this happened...
I knew he loved me.
I didn't understand
until much later
that what he did
what that a traitor.
It wasn't love.
It was abuse and rape.
It was something that
I just couldn't escape...
to this day
I wonder why
he did this to me
made my mom and I cry.
It hurt so much
to have to tell the jury
that he always hit us
in a hurry.
It hurt to have to
testify against my dad.
In front of the court and god...
it made me sad.
I was five when I testified.
Hardly in school.
I understood now...
I felt like a fool.
A fool who thought that
her father had loved her
when he hit her
and raped her.
I was so stupid.
And yet even now
when I understand more,
I still wonder how.
I wonder if my dad still loves me
I wonder if I will ever see
him again...
if he would love me.
I know that it's stupid
to want his love
the man who abused me
who used no glove.
I don't know why I want it
I guess it's just instinct
but I truly do want it
it's what I think.
This poem is now
drawing to an end...
if you read it and cared
you truly are a friend.
If you knew about my past
and are reading this now
I hope that you further
understand it now.
If you didn't know
that my dad did this to me
now you know it happened
and now you can see.
This is my past,
the shortened story
the truth is too hard
to tell yet... I'm sorry