The Tiger

By fatsoko

Prologue.

Kazuya

Sometimes when you walk into a room, someone’s in there waiting for you. Someone that draws you to them, pulls you to them, lures you into their life and end up changing you. Their charisma can be felt from across the room, glowing, kissing you with what can only be described as addicting.

...It was you.

When people called us gangsters and delinquents—kids with no futures, it didn’t matter because you were there to lead us with your strong, gentle hands…because you were the one that brought us together with that burning look that you reserved only for us, telling us that we—you chose us as your friends. You make me so frustrated, Suma….Why do you this to yourself? Why do you torture yourself with regrets that you can’t change no matter how much you punish yourself—no matter how much you deny yourself of any happiness when all you deserve is happiness?

Remember? It was your 18th birthday. You took a week to write dumb things you wanted for your birthday like bubble gum and sand but on the last page…you wrote something that wasn’t dumb; it was anything but dumb. On the birthday list that we mocked—on the list that you smiled at when we laughed, you wrote, “Tadaima. I’m home. That’s all I want to say.”

Some people think that destiny can be changed…

but no matter how hard you try—no matter what you do…all the chess pieces still fall back into place in the end.

That’s the bitter truth.

end Kazuya

Suma’s POV.

I’ve been told that I’m a cold person but maybe it’s because my heart never knew how to grow. I think that once, long ago, my growing heart stopped growing because for a long time….I’ve only known the frigid embrace of winter. I’ve been frozen..

“Get her out of my sight,” were dad’s words to the Obaa-san that greeted me with a strained smile.

He dumped me at some random place in the middle of nowhere, shoved me towards the old lady with gray hair, got into his black Mercedes and drove off, never to be seen again. There were no goodbyes; his style was making quick appearances and then just disappearing again. That’s how it always was. The Obaa-san was a nice lady but that doesn’t mean she was my mom.

No way. Okaa-san was way prettier. When Dad used to take a hold of my hands, he always whispered, “Your green eyes are just like your Mom’s. They’re beautiful, Suma.” I remember how he smiled at me when he said that so she must have been really pretty like how the Statue of Liberty is pretty.

I don’t know what jobs my parents had but Mom was the daughter of a politician and Dad…I don’t really know much about him. They loved each other but couldn’t be together so they ended up eloping.

But…as always with star-crossed lovers, there was a tragedy, a curse that had to pull them apart, rip them apart until even their hearts were torn to shreds in the separation.

That was me. Good ol’ Suma.

When I was born, Okaa-san died, leaving my father behind with a gash of growing acrimony, festering where hope had once been. Otou-san grew bitter…they sacrificed everything to be together. They threw away family—threw away their past lives just to be with one another—spend their lives with one another. Not this. He was so frustrated with life—he wanted to kill himself just to be with Mom but his conscience wouldn’t let him. Mom’s conscience wouldn’t let him kill himself, wouldn’t let him kill me.

He held back even though, to him, I was the worst thing that interfered with his life. It wasn’t his disagreeable father or her reputable parents that were his obstacles. It was me, because of all people, it was me who ultimately ended every spark of hope he ever had. He honestly thought that all of those obstacles disappeared when they eloped, but they would never have it so easy.

Okaa-san…she knew that if she had me, there would be no way she would live. She knew but she still went through with it.

Otou-san…He couldn’t even look at me because I reminded him so much of the woman he loved and the life that he could have had if I didn’t exist…so Otou-san…he couldn’t help but blame me for destroying his world. To Dad, it was only fair for him to take away my world.

I would feel his pain too one day. One day, Otou-san would take away my greatest love—take away my world, just like I did to him. He would slowly, excruciatingly, unravel each hope built in my heart until I had nothing. Just an empty, black void.

It was four years before I fully recovered from my difficult birth, but when I did get better and actually began to run around like a normal kid with no hospital gown donned on my frail body, Dad frowned at my tiny burst of happiness and instantly signed papers to give me up for adoption, turning away from me, his only daughter. A monster like me wasn’t his responsibility.

Dad, with his large, calloused hands, took my small face in his hands and drilled these words into my mind: “We’ll meet again Suma. When we meet again, my revenge will be complete.”

Yes, it did sound extreme, even to me, but Dad was capable of anything. I always believed him to be a hardened man with a mean streak, a man that could make even the biggest muscle-bound freak break down and cry with a snap of his fingers.

A man of the mafia doesn’t forget grudges—I could tell because his eyes grew so dark and lonely when he said those words to me, like he wanted to erase me off the planet but making sure I suffered and hurt until I was the one who begged for death. He knew that revenge wouldn’t bring anything back—he knew everything but there was so much rage and built-up hatred for every breath that came from my lungs—he wanted to wipe that out because the one that was supposed to be breathing was his wife….not this monster….not me.

At the orphanage where I grew up, I only knew Aoi, a young woman who worked there and took a liking to me because she had a daughter my age. Aoi was the ironic counterpart of her name. Instead of being blue, to me, she always glowed with a golden radiance. The warmth she gave off was a gentle glow that felt like she wanted to protect you from anything dirty in the world, like a warm breeze that caressed you on a summer day.

She would bring her daughter with her sometimes to play with me and the first time we met one another, her daughter Rie laughed at me. She said I looked like a beggar that just woke up from a nap in the trash can. I didn’t understand the term until Rie spitefully said, “That means that you have nothing! That means that you don’t have a mom or dad because you’re bad!”

…I’m bad? When she said that to me a wave of confusion covered my face, creating worry lines on my milky-white forehead. What was so wrong about not having a mom and dad? I had Aoi near me and for me that was more than I could ever ask for considering how Dad neglected me when I did live with him.

What was wrong about not living in a house when I was happy where I was? Houses don’t have anything of importance. It’s just all walls and furniture, nothing I could stay by and say, “Yes, this is what I want to stand by and protect.” It didn’t make sense what Rie said.

When Aoi saw me with a frown, she asked me what was wrong, her warm hands on my small shoulders, comforting.

“Aoi onee-san…Am I really that bad?” I asked, my face blank. I feared that she would say yes, confirming Rie’s accusations, making me feel smaller than I already was. I still haven’t gotten over all of those doctors….After awhile, you don’t feel the needles anymore, but the doctors were so cold and shielded that they treated me like I was dead already.

I always wanted to just grab one of them and tell them, “I’m not dead. But why do you treat me like I am? Why won’t you just talk to me? Just lie to me—I don’t care. Just don’t treat me like I’m nothing!” But that was all I was. Nothing. I was just too afraid to confirm it.

Aoi’s forehead creased. “What are you talking about?”

“Is that why no one wants me—because I’m bad?” I asked bluntly, my pale face becoming even whiter.

A sad smile broke onto Aoi’s face trying to reassure me that I was mistaken. She embraced me, trying to hug out the bad thoughts in my mind, trying to protect me from the cruel world. “No Suma. You’re not bad at all. And I need you Suma. You’re special to me.” I tried to smile too, relieved that Aoi didn’t hate me. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath on Aoi’s response. I didn’t see Rie watching us from the door, an angry expression mauling her face, her tiny fists clenching until they turned ghost white.

That year, when Rie and I entered Kindergarten, Aoi dropped both of us off on the first day of school, giving us hugs and words of luck. “Be nice, okay girls?” We both nodded but after Aoi’s car turned the corner, Rie snatched my lunchbox from my trembling fingers and threw it across the sidewalk, watching in amusement as the box smashed, its contents flying everywhere.

I could only stand there in horror, tears filling my eyes, shock thrumming through my body, my black bangs clumping to my wet eyes. Aoi made it for me. “I must have done something wrong,” I kept thinking to myself. “That’s why Rie hates me.”

I was dressed in a blue t-shirt with stained grey pants while Rie was dressed in a pink frilly dress. Even though I tried so hard to look presentable for the first day, Rie splashed juice on me during breakfast and because we were in a rush that morning, Aoi just said to me, “It’ll be okay.” I wanted to believe in those words so I kept repeating them as we entered the classroom late. Aoi was always right. I just had to trust in her words of comfort.

I saw a little boy make a face as he pointed at me.

“It’ll be okay.”

A group of girls huddled together turned to me, their pigtails swinging haughtily, their young noses in the air.

“It’ll be okay.”

“It’ll be okay.”

Do I belong here? I bit my lip, unable to look anyone in the eye.

As we stood beside each other with all eyes focused on us, I felt like an imposter. Me…the dirty kid with no manners and Rie…the pink princess whose bubbly charisma people loved. People were looking down on me, dissecting me because I wasn’t good enough, right? What is this feeling? What is this emptiness right here? I gently touched my heart, feeling the hollowness. A tear threatened to fall out of my eye so I quickly wiped it away.

Yah. I sniffed away my tears. I don’t care. They don’t know anything about me…right? I don’t care….I don’t care. What was a friend anyways? I didn’t know. I didn’t know how to make a friend. A thought clutched me. If felt strange to be here.

I don’t know why I’m here. My footsteps automatically stepped backwards, my blue backpack slipping off my rail-thin shoulders. Does no one talk to me because I don’t have a mom or dad? My hand grabbed hold of the doorway, trying to steady myself. Did they hate me because I was dirty? I felt their eyes shooing me away, telling me to get out of their sight because I wasn’t worth being seen by them. I almost cried but I didn’t want Aoi to be disappointed in me. She always told me that tears never solved anything. They only made the situation worse.

Her words to me were, “In a sad situation, tears only make everything more melancholy. In a hopeless situation, tears only make you lose more hope. Suma……just be strong—stay strong. No matter what—people who don’t understand you won’t treat you right even if they try to understand you. So don’t listen to their empty words because they’ll only hurt you. Just stay strong and hide your tears inside—save it for a day where no one will see your pain because fabricated pity for tears is the worst thing of all.”

In the cool autumn air with the tiny breeze and deep shades of leaves, I spent my lunchtime alone. I sat idly on the swings, just watching the other kids play games until the bell rang and waited to be the last one to reach the shoe lockers. Opening my locker door, I stumbled back. What’s going on?

Those tiny stitches…I painstakingly sewed over my heart….they were coming undone. I could feel the snaps of each thread unraveling from my beaten-up heart, and it made me want to curl into a ball in a dark corner away from any thoughts, away from all of these sharp words cutting into me. I tried to stitch my heart over again but in my mind, my hand was trembling too much.

“You Monster! Murderer! Die! Go to hell!” were the bold-lettered words inscribed onto the note on my locker.

I could only stare dumbstruck at the yellow post-it note dangling from my shoe-locker, still trying to grasp that it was real—that it was really happening. I heard small heels tapping their way over to me. Rie’s pink shadow towered over me, her clear pretty face in shock. “How horrible! Who could have done this?” She began to peel the message off the locker, making sure to scrape off the yellow masking tape residue on the metal frame.

I blinked back my tears, feeling the dam in my heart slowly seep close. It was strange to not feel hostility coming from Rie. It felt good. Did that mean…I didn’t do anything wrong? I looked up at her, trying to see her in a new light. Maybe she wasn’t as bad as I thought. Maybe she was a real princess.

Rie finished peeling off the message and turned to look down at me, straightening the note out, her thin fingers rubbing over the bent corners. “Whoever did that didn’t know anything. They were being childish. The best place to put something like this---“ she grinned widely, her ivory teeth glimmering. “…is where it belongs.”

I felt a hammer in my heart slowly pound away at the concrete support I thought was strong. Just a crack and I’d be a broken person. What were Aoi’s kind words?

“In a sad situation…. ”

“There. Now it looks perfect.” She stamped the scarring message on my forehead, pasting it tightly so that it wouldn’t fall off.

I could feel the tears prick. Why did it hurt so much? What did I do to ignite such a deep hatred from Rie? “Did I do something wrong? Is that why no one likes me?” I asked her.

Rie thought for a second. “Nope.” She looked at me condescendingly. “It’s because you’re a monster. Mommy told me that when you were born, your mom died. That makes you a monster! You killed your mommy. And your daddy…he didn’t want to die too so he left you with my mommy! And…and when you killed your mommy, your eyes turned green because she cursed you!”

I began to hiccup.

“In a sad situation….tears only make everything seem more melancholy. ….Hide your tears inside….”

I can’t.

“….Save it for a day where no one will see your pain…”

So that was why…Everyone hated me.

Rie glared at me, shoving me. “Stay away from my mommy! What if you kill her too?”

I didn’t know how to answer Rie. Maybe she’s right. I don’t deserve Aoi’s pity. I hate myself. I hate what I am. No more….no more….If I just pretended…If I changed myself, then maybe I can pretend that I’m not a monster. I won’t be a girl anymore.

I hate them…….I hate me.

“…Save it for a day where no one will see your pain because fabricated pity for tears is the worst thing of all.”

Aoi….what if I don’t care about fabricated pity? What if I just need to let go of these tears because it hurts too much? Those threads that I painfully used to stitch the holes in my heart are coming undone. Just this once….Just this once, is it okay that I just cry so it won’t hurt so much?

Maybe...if I'm not me...it'll be better.