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A/N: This fic is really stupid. It is a response to an assignment given by my english teacher. We had to use the characters in the Odyssey and write a story about them keeping within the guidelines. I won't write the guidelines, because I don't remember all of them. If you are easily offended, do not read this fic. It is odd and weird. If you are not easily offended then read on and tell me what you think. Reminder: This is really stupid.
One Night in Cairo…
“Whoa! I’m so drunk!” shouted Telemachus from the roof of his hotel in Cairo. It was his 21st birthday and he had decided to leave the states and travel to Egypt. For his gift, his friends had taken him out clubbing. Telemachus wondered whether that was such a great gift.
“This is horrible. In the morning I’m going to have a serious hangover. It’s all the gods’ fault. I hate the gods,” he thought aloud as he walked down the stairs to his room. As soon as he reached the room and entered it, a man appeared there.
Drunkenly he said, “Are you President Bush? ‘Cause if you are I’m gonna shoot you.”
Stumbling, he approached the man. A few feet away, the intruder stopped him.
“Stop, foolish mortal. I am here to punish you for insulting the gods. I am Athena, the extremely violent daughter of Zeus,” he bellowed.
“Daughter? You’re a man. Besides there’s only one god,” responded Telemachus stupidly.
Athena’s eyes popped and she screeched,” How dare you insult us again? I was going to make your punishment light, but now I’m going to make your worst nightmare come true.” She forcefully grabbed his arm and dragged Telemachus to the bedroom.
Morning came. Telemachus awoke to sunlight blazing through the open windows. Removing the sheets, he realized his nudity, and remembered last night. Last night…
He looked around the room and saw a note on the desk. Opening it, he read:
“Telemachus-
I’m not really a man. Don’t worry. But you seemed to enjoy yourself last night, so, next time I have to punish you, I’ll come in my true form.
-Athena
By the way, happy 21st birthday!”
“That was the worst mistake of my life,” he stated aloud.
Three hours later he boarded the 10:16 flight to the states.
Telemachus arrived at the house of Mrs. Anehta. He was a door-to-door salesman for Products People Buy He was hoping to sell a bra to the women living at the house.
Knocking on the door, he waited for a response. On his 3rd knock, a boy opened the door and he punched the boy in the eye.
“Oh geez! I’m so sorry sir. Let me help you,” said the frantic Telemachus.
“First of all, how dare you punch me in the eye? Secondly, I am no sir. I am woman. Well, at least I think I am,” stated the it, covering its eye.
While the it mused, a woman appeared at the doorway. She grabbed him and dragged him within the house. She led him through the house and into the kitchen.
Sitting him down, she asked, “How’d you find me? It was the name, wasn’t it? I knew that name was too obvious.”
Confused, he shouted,” What’re you talking about? You and that IT are crazy. I was only trying to sell bras!”
Athena (as you may have guessed) was about to answer, but the it’s war cry cut her off.
“Aggh!” she yelled, loading the bow and aiming at his head. The arrow flew off and went straight through Telemachus’ skull, splattering blood everywhere.
The woman looked at the arrow in horror. “Bobbi,” she screamed,” Why’d you do that?”
“What?” responded Bobbi calmly, even though Telemachus was bleeding on the floor. “I thought he was a rapist. Why else would he have knocked on the door?”
“You idiot! What kind of psycho thinks that way?” said Athena, gaping at Telemachus.
“Alright. Fine,” Bobbi replied, sounding annoyed.” Well, what should we do?”
“Call 911.”
Bobbi left the room. A minute later she reappeared.
“What’s the number?” she asked.
Athena’s eyes bugged and she stood up and slapped Bobbi on the head.
“OH-MI-GODS. You know, this is what I get for having a baby with a man while I’m in male form,” she muttered.
“What?” asked Bobbi.
“Nothing.”
10 minutes later the ambulance arrived.
A phone rang in Bobbi’s home. Athena picked it up. Then she called to Bobbi.
“Come on, son, I mean, daughter. Telemachus awoke. We have to visit him.”
Then Bobbi got itself ready and they traveled to Oklahoma City’s America’s Cheapest Hospital.
In the hospital…They arrived at the hospital. Bobbi walked to the receptionist and asked her about Telemachus.
“What room is Telemachus in?”
“Last name?”
“Why do you need my last name?” asked Bobbi.
“No, I want his last name.”
“Oh, he doesn’t have one.”
“Okay.” The receptionist looked at the sheet of paper. Then she looked up.
“Room 302.”
The pair headed down to room 302.
As soon as Telemachus awoke, he jumped out of bed, despite his pain.
“What’re you doing here? Get out!” he screamed pointing at Athena and Bobbi. Bobbi had experimentally poked at the bags of blood and stood there tasting one that had popped open.
“Hello. I just came to visit you and tell you about your child,” stated Athena, shrugging off his demands.
“You came to visit m- Wait! Rewind. My kid?”
“Yeah, Bobbi. You know I conceived a child with you,” she replied calmly.
“That thing could never be mine because first of all I never even met you until you two nearly killed me, let alone bedded you,” he stated matter-of-factly.
“Yes, you did, in Cairo. Remember, the goddess. Well, man goddess. It’s me Athena,” she answered, transforming into a man before his eyes.
“Oh-mi-god. It is you. But wait men can’t have babies together. It’s impossible.” He said the last part with relief.
“Yes they can, if you’re a goddess in a male body,” she said seductively. “So own up. Bobbi’s yours. Get used to it.”
Telemachus fell back on the bed and gazed at Bobbi, who by now had finished her first bag of blood and was finishing up her second. Slowly, he began to speak.
“It does look a little like me. Black hair, black eyes, same girlish nose, you know-“
They were interrupted by the crash of the door being pushed open. Standing in the doorway was a woman. But not just any woman: it was his wife, Anise.
“ How dare you have a baby with a goddess? You’re such a male chauvinist pig. I hope you-“
They were interrupted by another crash, this time from the window. Standing in the windowpane was Odysseus, creator of Products People Buy and U.S president. In his hand was a pistol. He aimed the gun at the gauze wrapped around Telemachus’ head and fired. The bullet went straight through and lodged in a painting of cookies.
“What’d you do that for,” asked Anise.
“I heard there was a rapist in the room and so I came to kill him,” answered Odysseus, not even caring that his son bleeding on the floor.
“Oh well that’s all right,” said Anise. Then they all laughed and left the room, all except Athena.
Anise and Telemachus ended up divorcing and he got back together with Athena (though he made her stay in male form, even though she had to take birth control pills). Anise and Bobbi found they had a connection (drinking blood) and they soon became married. Odysseus went back to being the rapist shooting 52nd president. Everyone lived happily ever after, even though oddness is odd.
