Post Fruity Murders

Barney: Mmm, Fred Flintstone’s Fruity Pebbles. (Eats. Notices an approaching figure.) Who are you? What are you doing? No! (He is clubbed to death.)

(Scene changes to office of Detective Clue.)

Clue: It was a case like no other. (Lights and smokes cigarette.) The name’s Clue, detective Clue. I’m a detective, I solve stuff. I’ve never actually solved a crime before, like a mouse without cheese. Where was I? Oh yeah. It was a case like no other. It was eleven o’ clock, a.m. when the widow Mrs. Rubble and her son Bam Bam came into my office. She was one of those desperate housewives from bedrock, you know the kind: blue fur dresses, jewelry made from rocks, and she wasn’t even wearing shoes. Hmph, a regular cave-woman.

Betty: Is this detective Clue?

Clue: That’s the name sis, what’s the prob?

Betty: My husband, Barney Rubble has been murdered.

Bam Bam: Bam Bam.

Clue: The same Barney Rubble who endorses Post Fruity Pebbles?

Betty: And Cocoa Pebbles.

Bam Bam: Bam bam.

Clue: The kid’s words sounded suspicious so I questioned him.

Flashback:

Clue: All right kid what happened?

Bam Bam: Bam bam.

Clue: Who did it?

Bam Bam: Bam bam.

Clue: You did it!

Bam Bam: Bam bam!

Clue: A confession!

Bam bam: Bam bam bam bam bam bam!

Betty: That’s his name!

Clue: After further questioning I realized that bam bam is all that Bam Bam can say. (Smokes) So I was on the case like a super model on a salad, yeah a salad. My first suspect was Fred Flintstone, Barney’s former partner. I caught him in the middle of a commercial shoot. Personally I was curious to see how they were going to market the cereal without Barney Rubble.

Director: Take thirty-five, cue Dino, action!

Dino: Bow wow wow wow Bow-wow wow wow!

Fred: Dino, (Hits him on the head) my Pebbles! (Takes a bite) Their yabba dabba delicious!

Director: Cut! That was awful! The dinosaur just isn’t working.

Fred: This stuff is yabba dabba discussing (Throws bowl down.) I’ll be in my cave!

Clue: Excuse me, Mr. Flintstone, can I ask you a few questions?

Fred: Yabba dabba yeah.

Clue: Let’s cut to the chase, did you kill Barney Rubble?

Fred: (Smashes fist into palm.) I yabba dabba didn't!

Clue: I took Fred Flintstone to be the angry violent type so I questioned him no further. Besides, I got a hot tip that there was some trouble going down in the cereal marketing business by a couple of crummy cartoon characters. My first bet was the closest competition to Post Fruity Pebbles, the Trix Rabbit. I traced his were-a-bouts to the local Mega-Lo-Mart. He was in one of his disguises trying to buy his own cereal. He was dressed as a woman sporting a miniskirt and fishnet hose. (Smokes) Ugliest thing I’d ever seen.

Trix: (Loading cart) Mmm Trix, cereal Trix yogurt! Bananaee-banana, grapaty-grape, orangey-orange. And it’s all mine!

Clue: Silly Rabbit pantyhose is for women.

Trix: I’m not the silly rabbit I’m Madonna Sinclair see the bosoms.

Clue: Yeah, and I’m Cher.

Trix: Give me a break, all I want to do is buy some Trix cereal and some Trix yogurt, is that so much for a Rabbit to ask!

Clue: I could tell the guy was a wreck; he was wearing woman’s underwear so I questioned him no further. Besides I got a lead that Captain Crunch was pirating his own cereal, sounded like trouble, thought I’d go check it out.

Captain Crunch: Are ye mates, bring the sugar coated berry booty aboard, arg.

Clue: Hey there Capitan. Can I ask you a few simple questions?

Captain Crunch: What’s the password?

Clue: Crunchatize me captain.

Captain: Darn, it’s too obvious.

Clue: Where were you the night of the murder of Barney Rubble?

Captain Crunch: Pirating my own cereal, of course.

Clue; the man had a wetsuit tight alibi. The night of the murder his crewmates said they were with him as they robbed the captain crunch factory, shot three workers, and hijacked a ship to sail away with the booty. He was obviously innocent of any crime so I questioned him no further. So I tried my next suspect, Count Chocula. I traced his were-a-bouts to the local Blood bank where I found him slurping on a blood bag; funny I always thought he’d like chocolate milk.

Count: (Drinks from blood bag) Mmm, that’s good blood!

Clue: Count Chocula.

Count: (Drops bag and coughs) Bah! I did not see you there! I was not drinking the blood, there was a hole in the bag and I meant to plug it . . . with my teeth.

Clue: I’m not here for that, I’m here on the account of the murder of one Barney Rubble.

Count: Barney Rubble good guy, Drank his blood once, B positive, my favorite Blood type.

Clue: So you killed him for his blood!

Count: Bah, if I did it there would be two puncture wounds in his neck and his body would be drained completely of blood . . . sweet blood.

Clue: Another innocent, so I scooped the bars for the trouble maker Lucky the Leprechaun. And that’s where I found him drunk as an Irish man.

Lucky: (Takes a big sip of ale and sings and dances) Hearts and stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of golden rainbows and the red balloons, and for a limited time green marshmallows shaped like Lucky’s flipping buttocks. Drink up me boys. (Chugs ale.)

Clue: Ah, Lucky the Leprechaun, I’d like to ask you a few questions.

Lucky: (Takes on the Notre Dame fighting Irish stance) Oh ye want to fight ye wee tart, you’ll never get me Lucky Charms.

Clue: If you don’t calm down I’ll have to take you into the station. A night in jail ought to cool your Irish temper.

Lucky: Alright girl, I’m listening, but don’t you be thinking about stealing me Lucky Charms.

Clue: Alright, let’s cut down the dotted line, did you kill Barney Rubble?

Lucky: Fat lil' chap? Always wearing brown fur?

Clue: That’s the guy!

Lucky: Never heard of him.

Clue: Can't argue with that logic. (Smokes) So I tried my last suspect, Sunny, the Cocoa Puffs, coo-coo bird. I found him in the local Looney bin under charges of murder. In court he pled the fifth, temporarily coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs.

Sunny: (Laughs hysterically) Cocoa Puffs! I’m coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs!

Clue: Excuse me, Sunny.

Sunny: (Rambles) Crunchety! Chocolaty- yeah chocolaty! Munchety, Cocoa Puffs.

Clue: Sunny?

Sunny: (Hysteric) I’m coo- coo for Cocoa Puffs!

Clue: (Smokes with intensity) I aint messing with coo-coo birds. Just when I had given up hope when the clues wouldn't piece together like a crummy jigsaw puzzle, Fred's wife Wilma came to me in secret.

Wilma: Is this detective Clue?

Clue: That’s the name, sis.

Wilma: Good, cause’ I've got to tell you something. My husband Fred Flintstone killed Barney Rubble; Barney stole his Fruity Pebbles so he killed him with his club. Oh my gosh,, if he finds out I told you, he’ll kill me!

Clue: And he did. (Smokes) But with my help the cops nabbed him. My first case, I think it was a success. A killer caveman behind bars, and a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. (Snuffs out cigarette) Case closed.

-End

Note: I hope you all enjoyed this play. I won second at State with this piece when I was on the Speech Team in high school. Feel free to review.