I Must Be Leaving

My heart stops dead upon hearing

His foot over the broken blue vase,

Shattered hours ago.

Coming into this room that was

Once filled with all our passion and more,

He looks at me coldly

With a mask of hate.

A mask of fury I need not see…

For his mask matched mine

In intensity.

I lift my gray suitcase,

Wishing I could do the same

With my heavy heart.

Perhaps if you

Help me and be off

For good

I'll get done with it.

But then again,

With all the weight of pain

That's already there

In you,

Maybe you shouldn't.

'Ready?' you ask

With that casual drawl

That used to have your smile

To complement it.

I smile at the thought

And that silly longing,

Now no longer mine.

Silly longings

Belonging to a woman

Left in my past-

And yours as well.

'Yes,'

I reply nonchalantly.

But I hear it within-

My breath

And tears

Betraying my words

As I panted…

And tears flowed as easily.

For my shame,

For my pride,

Whatever's left,

I turn away,

Drowning with the sea

Of love and guilt within-

Salted by tears

Which flow

Passionately

Over my cheeks,

Tinted with that flush

I never got over-

And probably

Never will get over-

With.

And I wish

As much as

You probably did,

That I could tell you off,

Slap you and shake you off

This trauma

I'm causing you,

Tell you through these tears

That I love you,

I love you…

So much that I am willing

To put away the hindrance

In me,

For you to go free,

Be free…

Forever.

'So this it it,' I say.

It's all I can ever

Bring myself to say.

And the silence of uncertainty

All but answered me.

I turn around,

Meeting your eyes

As I slipped into

The comfort of

My bright red jacket

Which you gave me.

Perhaps clinging to the hope that

There are still

Remnants of your loving therein-

By your thoughts of me

With this present at least

To comfort me

In the present cold.

And then you ask me

The question you never tire of-

'Will I see you again?'

And trembling as always,

I give you my answer-

The same as the last-

'I don't know.'

And I shun my eyes,

As if you wouldn't read through.

And then comes another query,

The query of all queries,

'Will you love me again?'

I hold my breath,

Fighting the comfort

Of my yearning

To assure you

Of truth-

'No,' I say.

I convince myself.

'No,' I whisper.

I need to hear it.

'Good,' he says.

And I don't believe you

As much as you don't believe me.

I turn off the lamp shade,

Feeling the loss

Of my only source of warmth.

I close my eyes,

Dreading,

Savoring,

My last moments

With you.

Oh if you only know

How I desire

To tell you everything…

That you're the one,

And that I mean it…

From the night I first said it-

That I love you

And I always will.

It's all true.

But the cab honks loudly just outside.

And the bitter taste

Of truth and defeat

Chokes me.

As my sight

Turns blurry

With the start of tears again…

I must be leaving.

I wipe my tears,

Wanting to see through

The impossible.

Maybe five, ten years past,

We can email still.

We can be friends three years after,

See through a brighter day.

And if I just wait patiently,

You too might say

In my one sweet glorious day:

That you love me still

As much as I do-

And we'll come through

Through all this.

But no, it's over.

For now it is.

For good.

Because some things that start

Though beautifully,

Must end tragically

Like a bad ordeal

If it's all for the best…

For I must be leaving…

I must be leaving.