Title: The Scarlet Letter

Summary: Just something that happened last night when I was trying to go to sleep. Some things just come out when you listen to the right songs. They bring up the past, but inspire you to write about it. To let people know what is out there in the world. I’m sorry if this offends you, but this is my story and Jamie’s too.

I lay in bed, trying to go to sleep. It’s kinda difficult though when the living room light is on and your mom is watching TV.

So I had to resort to my ipod, flipping through almost every single song until I found something suitable.

I got to Something Corporate’s As You Sleep.

And it’s a good song to, a tiny bit depressing but it was probably gonna put me to sleep. It started to make me think about my friends. The ones I had and the ones I have now.

Friends like Kathryn, Cody, Jen, and Rebecca.

It made me remember James and Shannon.

It brought back horrible memories.

Memories of Shannon on the phone crying, because her mom hit her again. Or telling me that Tyler hit James.

Or telling me one of James’s horrid memories of his dad. The day that his dad raped him. The days his dad made fun of him for being gay.

The day that James and Tyler left for California, leaving Shannon and me here in Maryland.

My mom thought I shouldn’t be caught up in all that so called “drama”. She made me not talk to Shannon.

We still had the computer and AIM. We never failed to talk to each other each day.

But slowly, James wasn’t on that much. His days online grew less and less each day.

He got into a car accident with Tyler. Tyler had to stay the night.

Tyler was released in the morning and James went to see him.

Tyler wasn’t there.

That coward left a note for James, saying that he was leaving him.

It messed James up for a while. But he met this guy named Matt. He seemed nice, an altogether good guy.

But Shannon and I knew something was wrong.

No matter how much James told us that he loved Matt, we knew that Matt was beating him.

Shannon was offline one day and I was home. James was still in school, on the computer.

He told me he was scared to leave Matt. He loved him so much that he was willing to risk his own life to be with him.

And I cried so hard, trying to convince him that staying in an abusive relationship wasn’t good for him.

He knew.

He knew full well.

And then I got caught.

No computer for 3 whole months.

No Shannon, no James, and no Jay.

Absolutely nothing at all.

For 3 whole months, I was stuck in this limbo of nothingness.

I got a phone call from Shannon saying that James wasn’t allowed to get on the computer anymore. Matt wasn’t letting him do anything.

He couldn’t update his Slash daily anymore now that Matt was in control.

James couldn’t use his cellphone anymore because Matt took it away.

Matt was basically in control of James now.

Saturdays were my computer days.

My mom worked over at the college those days and she didn’t like being there alone so she brought me along. Well, since there was basically nothing to do there, I was allowed to get on the computer.

This one Saturday, completely turned my world upside down and inside out.

I sign on and find that Shannon’s the only one online. She im’s me and says to me:

Felicia I have something to tell you.

I wish you didn’t have to hear this so late.

And I was getting impatient because she was beating around the bush.

Before I had signed in, I checked my myspace and found this girl trying to add me. I look at the profile and there’s this big picture of James and underneath, the words “BABY BOY REST IN PEACE.”

Back to Shannon:

James is dead.

He shot himself in the head.

How the fuck did he get a gun? I asked

I don’t know she replied.

That was all Matty said:

My Jamie shot himself in the head.

I signed off quickly after that last instant message. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

I did the only thing I could do.

Talk to Cody.

He was there for me when I needed him. And I couldn’t cry unless I wanted questioning from my mom.

So I waited until I got home, brought my boombox into the bathroom, and turned the volume up full blast.

Even over the water and the music, I could still hear me screaming.

I cursed and cried.

I hated myself for not being there for James.

I hated James’s dad for what he did to him his whole life.

I hated the kids who picked on James and Tyler just because they held hands.

I hated Matt for beating James up.

I cried myself dry that night.

There was nothing left in me.

And at school, there was nothing but an empty shell that day.

People asked why, Why was I being like this? Why was I being such a bitch to everyone? Why was I pushing everyone away?

I didn’t have the heart to tell them.

The song’s changed.

It’s The Scarlet Letter Part 2 by Halifax.

Crush my bones tonight,

So thin that they might slide under his door

Leave my heart for the world to see

He did this to me

He thinks he's framed, so clueless as to

The situation he's found himself in

Buried beneath his haunted memories

So cough, cough, cough it up

Have you lost your breath, or maybe that's me

Tearing out your lungs, tell me how it feels

To know this is just my dream

And it's your, reality

It made me fall asleep for a little while.

Just enough me to have another nightmare of James.

I could see him sitting there, with the gun in his hand.

I saw him pull the trigger.

And it woke me up, crying the entire time.

The earphones fell out of my ears when I sat up.

And I swear on my life, I heard James whisper to me

“Don’t cry Licia.”

Was all that I heard.

And I stopped crying because he’s free from torment.

He’s free from all the pain and hurt that he went through.

And I’m free now, because I don’t live with guilt anymore.

R.I.P

JAMES WILLIAMS

BABY BOY

MY FAVORITE GAY EMO KID

I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU