when you think about your past you cringe & wish that it could go away

(vanish)

never return because it makes your tremble & scared. you remember a time when mother's words were the worst punishment and when the smell of rape lingered in your nose, burning at your nostrals and bringing tears to your eyes. you will never forget what he did to you though, no never. everything seems to be a monotonous mistake to you, even that relationship that you yearned for, begged for even. it started with fucking and it ended fucked up

you started taking the pills again, the ones that made you happy but ruined your life & hurt so many people who you cared about. you sit in your bed, trying to ignore the throb in your arms from the self infilicted mutilation that makes you happier than human contact

you wish that you could live alone, with your hate and your retribution determining each action long before you coencided and retaliated against the mutany.

(vanish)

you wish you hadnt made those mistakes

but you did and you will be reminded of it, you will regret it, for the rest of your life. one eye always glued to the past, not really living because life isnt what you wanted...

(I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS ANYMORE SO YOU CAN'T HURT THEM)