My mom was furious that I’d been suspended. She told me to not leave the house while she was gone at work. I guess that means I was grounded. Then she told me I was no good, a waste of her time and money, and other mean things that I let in one ear and out the other. Then she said I was stupid for trying to fight boys. Oh well.

I spent three days lying around my house doing completely nothing. My only escape fwas daytime TV and food. I think when I finally went back to school on Friday I gained weight.

“Claire!” Jill said the second she saw me. “You’re not wearing fhe clothes I got you!”

“Oh, really? Sorry! I must’ve just walked right out the door this morning…”

Jill sighed, and we walked into the building together. Then Andrew ran up to me.

“Claire, Claire!”

“What?” He gave Jill an apprehensive glance, and then led me away from her. “What is it?”

“I really don’t think you can sit with us today.” He said hastily.

“Why?”

“Because Allen’s really pissed at you.”

“So?”

“It won’t be a good aura, y’know?”

“You’re telling me about ‘aura’?” Andrew gave me a helpless look. “Okay then.” I said.

“This weekend maybe you can make up to him.”

“What?!”

“Sorry, but Allen’s a real baby.”

Seriously.

I avoided them the entire day, especially Allen. Whenever I saw him in the hallways I’d duck around the corner, or behind a locker. Andrew met me for five minutes after school.

“Why don’t you come to my place on Martin Luther King Day, huh? Allen always comes then.”

I’d completely forgotten about Martin Luther King Day. I could do with a day off, and I enjoyed Andrew’s company; plus, I’d also hopefully be able to patch things up with Allen. Otherwise Jill would find out that I was a lonely freak.

That weekend Jill insisted I join her shop. This time, thankfully, she only bought herself things. I stopped by Spencer Gifts and bought earrings with weird little ornaments. Before I left the store, though, I saw a little box with bright red sex dice. I couldn’t resist.

My mom spent the weekend at Greg’s, probably fucking.

On Monday morning Andrew called me and told me to bring a game because one of the boys had broken his Playstation. I went through the entire house, and the only game we had was Monopoly – and we were missing pieces. I remembered my Sex Dice, though, so I slipped them in my pocket. I wanted to show them to Andrew; he’d laugh when he saw some of the cheesy combinations.

That night I walked to Andrew’s with a Monopoly box. I was actually excited, which surprised me. When I arrived I saw his mom’s car wasn’t in the driveway, so I knew she probably wasn’t there.

Okay, just a little nervous now.

I knocked on the door.

“It’s open!” I heard Andrew’s voice call. I turned the knob and stepped in, putting my coat on the coat hanger, beside a few others. I heard his voice, along with others, coming from the den. If I’d known I walked in on a stag party I would’ve turned around.

I peaked in the den and saw Andrew, Noah, Steven and Allen staring at the TV. I felt a sudden relief come over me because there weren’t a bunch of strangers, but then I saw they were watching porn, so I was in this horribly awkward situation. In the split second between Steven flipping the channel and when I walked in, I looked at each of them. Andrew was staring at the TV with an uninterested look on his face, and he was slumping. Noah was looking at the TV with the same lethargic eyes, but I saw he looked a bit mystified, and he even had his head cocked to the side slightly. Steven was on the borderline between being confused and engrossed. Allen was practically sweating.

I got a glimpse of what they were watching, but all I saw was skin and something I’m not keen on identifying.

“Hey, Claire.” Andrew said slowly.

“Hi guys.” I waved weakly. I felt really silly with the Monopoly game.

“That was gross.” Andrew mumbled once he and the others left their stupor.

“It was fucking confusing.” Steven grumbled.

“I liked it until the football part…” Noah said slowly.

Andrew shivered when Noah mentioned that.

“What happened with football?” I asked.

“If it grossed him out, then you don’t wanna know.” Andrew said lightly. He shook his head and stood up.

“C’mon.” he said. I nodded and followed him to the kitchen.

“What happened?” I asked as soon as we walked in.

“Huh?”

“Please lemme know what happened! Please!”

“No! Ew, no, it was gross!”

“So?”

Andrew went through his kitchen and pulled a box of popcorn from a cabinet. I put the Monopoly game down.

“No. I don’t want to think about it.”

“Aw, c’mon, why?”

“Because it was gross…. Ugh.”

“Was this the first time you’d ever seen that?”

Andrew shook while he put the popcorn in the microwave.

“N-no… I saw something like that when I was in seventh grade, but I avoided it since then. It’s weird.”

I heard a long angry groan from the den.

“Dammit!” Andrew stomped out of the kitchen, with me on his heels.

“Stop watching that! My mom’s gonna see it on the cable bill, man!”

This time I saw what was on the screen, but it wasn’t that bad. There were two girls, only wearing short-shorts, standing on either side of a lady dressed like a dominatrix. They looked like hosts for a clip show.

“Your mom’s gonna be happy to know that you’re turning straight!” Allen shouted.

Andrew huffed. He returned to the kitchen, and I lingered on following him, but I decided to stay. Noah and Andrew had been sitting on a loveseat across from Allen, who had an entire 

loveseat to himself. Steven was sitting alone on a couch. I wanted to sit beside Noah, but he’d sprawled himself across both seats, so I sat beside Steven instead.

After the girls left the screen there were commercials, but once those were over the girls came back.

“Hey, Booboo, what’s next?” one of the short-shorts girls asked the dominatrix.

“Do you really wanna know?” Booboo retorted in a call-girl voice.

“Yeah!” the other short-shorts girl said gleefully – then she and the other one began to jump up and down.

“Well, okay, but then you’ll have to be punished.”

Porn stars are never good actors.

“Oh no!” one of the bimbos said.

“Oh yes! Prepare for the top ten deep throats in the country!”

I almost laughed at the bad acting, but the next shot of some bombed blonde blowing a sailor killed the mood. With a small 10 in the corner of the screen, it was titled “Blondes Are Better”.

“Whoa, she really doesn’t wanna give up that cock, does she?” the hostess/narrating bimbo in short-shorts’ voice said.

“Nope.” The other bimbo piped.

They giggled.

“This is from Cindy K. in Burlington, Vermont.”

Is this what they do when they get together? Watch porno?

Allen was sweating again, and Steven looked interested. Noah had a weak grin on his face. They went through three other girls blowing guys, whose faces weren’t shown.

“Guys! I told you to not watch that! Jesus, my mom’s gonna freak!”

Andrew came in and snatched the remote from beside Steven.

The other three, once again, recovered from their stupor, and headed for the kitchen. Andrew had popped a lot of popcorn and thrown it in a huge bowl. Three hands simultaneously reached in. Andrew and I stepped back.

“Claire,” Andrew whispered, “Did you bring any games?”

I nodded. “And I brought these Sex Dice I bought at Spencer’s that day Jill dragged us out there.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah.” I pulled the dice from my pocket and showed them to Andrew.

“These are cool,” he said, looking a bit interested.

“I know.”

“You want to play with these?” he asked uncertainly.

“No way! I just wanted to show you.”

“Oh, good.” I nodded and slipped the dice in my pocket.

I heard a popping sound and looked up. Noah had opened a bottle of Budweiser, and Steven was rummaging through the fridge.

“Go talk to Allen before he gets plastered!” Andrew said hastily. I nodded.

“Allen?”

“What?” Allen barked.

“I wanted to apologize for what I said and did the other day.”

“Whatever.”

I bit my tongue, and turned to Andrew. He gave me a thumbs up.

“He’s not angry at you anymore,” Andrew said quietly. I nodded, bracingly. He and I returned to the living room, and the other three followed, carrying beer, and Steven carrying the giant bowl.

I ran and picked up my Monopoly game from the kitchen while Andrew turned off the TV and turned on all the lights.

“Okay guys, let’s play Monopoly….”

The rest of the guys shrugged collectively.

Andrew and I set up the board, and I chose the shoe. The other guys picked other pieces, and then the game started. It didn’t go very well.

“You goddamn idiot, you can’t take money outta the bank whenever you want!”

“But I’m the banker!” Allen hissed.

Man, they were mean to each other.

“You’re a crooked ass bitch!” Steven shouted.

“That’s why you gotta fucking curve in your dick, man!” Noah added.

“Shut up pig shit!”

Andrew rubbed his forehead. I was getting sick of the loud swearing, so I asked Andrew if I could go to the bathroom.

“Sure.” He said limply. I stood up and as I left the den, the longest string of swear words I’d ever heard flew out of Steven’s mouth.

In the bathroom I peed and stared in the mirror for a few minutes. The small, high window was decorated with shells that matched the mirror, where I saw myself. I don’t know why, but seeing myself sort of disgusted me.

I heard something outside, but I ignored it. Along with the shouts coming from the den, it was nothing. I was nosy and bored, so I went through their medicine cabinet. Nothing interesting.

I heard tapping outside again, and then a loud crash from the backyard. I jumped, and then the bathroom lights went out.

After fumbling with the doorknob for a few seconds, I ran to the den, and tripped over Steven.

“Jesus, Claire, chill!”

“I heard something outside before the lights went out!” I said quickly.

I couldn’t see any of them, so I reached out and grappled something soft.

“Let go of me now.”

I let go of Allen.

“You heard something?” Andrew asked. “Aw, shit, if there’s someone out there stealing something my mom’s gonna kill me!”

He stood up, then Steven, Noah and Allen followed. I followed the sounds they made to the glass backdoor. I felt someone who was too fit to be Allen, so I grabbed their arm.

“I hate this door…” Andrew mumbled. He pulled at it for a few seconds, and it finally opened. With the moonlight I could see things clearer. Andrew and Steven stuck their heads outside, and Allen started making the sounds from Friday the Thirteenth.

Kill, kill, kill, mom, mom, mom.

I glanced up and saw I was holding Noah’s arm.

“What’s new, Scooby-Doo?” Noah laughed.

“Watch out, it’s a monster!” Steven jested, making me jump. I hate it when I do that. The five of us went outside. Andrew looked out across his dark backyard.

“There’s nobody out here.” He said.

“Aw, too bad.” Noah mumbled. We all went back inside, and he and Andrew went to the basement to check out the fuse box. After a few minutes of being alone in the dark with Steven and Allen, the lights came on. I heard Allen sigh.

Noah picked up the beer can he’d polished off.

“Let’s bowl.”

“We only have three.” I said stupidly.

“Let’s get more.”

“N-n-n-no! No, that’s alright!” I said suddenly.

“Okay then…”

Noah put the bottle down, and sighed.

“This is not very fun.”

“It never is.” Andrew said sadly.

“Hey, what’re these?” Allen said suddenly. He held up some red dice – sex dice.

“What is that?” Steven asked.

“I dunno. I just sat down– ,”

“How’d you notice, then?”

“–and here it is.”

Andrew looked at me, nervous. I was just as confused.

“Whoa, Andy, your mom’s got a really creative way of humping.” Allen grunted.

“Kinky sex game, eh?” Noah asked.

“Those aren’t my mom’s!” Andrew said defensively.

“Yours?”

“N-no!”

“Whose?”

I didn’t want Andrew to get the blame, but I was too aware of the fact that I’d be claiming a sex toy.

“Mine.” I said in a small voice. The other four looked at me. Andrew gave me a sad face, and the other three stared at me in awe.

“I thought you were a virgin.” Steven said.

“I am!”

Allen looked at the dice, “Okay then virgin, how often do you, um…” he shook the dice and looked at them, “kiss belly buttons?”

“I bought those as a joke the other day, and I wanted to show them to Andrew.”

“Oh, really?” Steven said girlishly.

“That’s really funny.” Allen said lamely.

“Let’s play with ‘em!” Noah said brightly.

“Ew, no!” I cried.

“Okay, then. We can just get the pillows and they can be people or whatever.”

The four of them picked up pillows from the couches and loveseats. I didn’t move.

“Okay… me first… I have to pinch a boob.” Steven said slowly. He held his pillow out and it ‘talked’.

“Who has a boob I can pinch?” it asked. Andrew’s pillow stepped forward.

“I do.”

“Okay then…” Steven’s pillow ‘pinched’ the other one’s ‘boob’.

They played that for an hour. Most of the time was taken up when Noah’s pillow, Jeff, and Steven’s pillow, Fuckme, started sixty-nine on each other. Then Fuckme got pregnant so Jeff killed her and then shot himself. They turned the brainless game into a soap opera. And all the while, every other turn, one of them would go to the fridge and get a beer.

I began to wonder why I was still there. I made up with Allen already.

“Guys, I’m gonna go now.” I said soberly. The rest of them gave me a confused look. I felt completely alone, though; even Andrew was a bit tipsy.

“How come?” Steven asked.

“Uh… I have a twelve o’clock curfew….”

“It’s twelve thirty.”

“Well I’m in a lot of trouble.”

“Aw, man, that sucks.” Steven said sadly, “I wish you could stay!”

He was loud.

“Oh, well, you know, I gotta go now.”

I nodded to them, and hurried to the door – they could keep the dice. I put on my coat and, before I opened the door, Noah came behind me.

“What? You can keep the dice.”

“Hmm? No, I thought I should keep up that whole ‘man’ thing I got going the other day.”

Despite the external drunkenness, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel; that light was a high tolerance level in a boy who’d most likely been drinking for most of his life. Noah probably wasn’t as drunk as I was nervous about walking home, which was very little.

“Okay.”

Noah grinned smartly, and pulled a black coat from the coat hanger.

“Fresh air really clears my head.” Noah said in a very calm voice.

“Cool.”

“You’re sure you never used those dice before?”

“Yes.”

“Okeydoke.”

We walked the rest of the way in silence. I really wanted to talk to him, but I didn’t really know what to say.

“Where’s your mom?” he asked once we were outside of my house.

“I made that up.” I said hastily, “I was tired, and you guys didn’t seem ready to quit.”

Noah grinned, and followed me up to the backdoor.

“Bye Noah.” I said in some strange timid voice.

“Bye.”

I felt relieved that he’d said anything, and I saw my breath in front of me, which told me I sighed without even knowing it. I felt my stomach do a back flip, watching him walk down to the sidewalk.

I’m an idiot.

“Noah!” I called to his back.

“Hmm?”

“Well – if y’know, you wanted, y’know, you um… you can come in if you want.”

“You want me to?”

“Um… yeah.” I said pathetically.

Noah glanced down the street again, and then went back up my driveway. I held the backdoor open like an excited puppy, which made me feel even more pitiful. I skipped in behind him.

“You can give me that…” I said jumpily, taking the coat from his hands. I threw it in my room, and ran back to Noah.

“You want something to eat?” I asked, praying he couldn’t hear the anxiety.

“Uh… you got bologna?”

“Sure.” I rummaged through my fridge and found some. I pulled it out and put it on the island in the middle of our tacky kitchen.

“I’ll just get you some bread…” but I didn’t have to. Noah pulled out a piece and threw it in his mouth.

“Gets rid of the smell.” He said lazily. “And it tastes good.”

I grinned reflexively at the boyishness; despite the foul language and drunkeness, Noah was still a really cute seventeen year old boy.

He finished with the bologna and started to put it back, but I rushed forward and put it away for him. He might’ve been a friend, but I still had to be an okay host.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

God, this was awkward.

“You didn’t want me to come in here for sex, right?” Noah asked cautiously.

“What? No!”

He nodded confidently. Now that I had some sort of assurance that we weren’t going to have sex, I had no clue what I’d wanted him there for. I guess I just wanted Noah in general. Having him there physically was one huge leap.

I couldn’t believe it though. If Nola ever found out that I’d had Noah alone in my house without my mother, she’d say I was dead stupid for not taking advantage of it. I didn’t feel stupid, though. I just felt something, not stupid.

“Noah,” I said randomly, “how’s life?”

He glanced at me sharply, and I knew he knew I had no clue what I wanted or why.

“Life’s good.”

“So… I was wondering, who’s Elena? I hear about her, but I dunno who she is.”

I’d only heard her name once, and it popped in my mind.

“That’s my sister.”

“Oh, really? How old is she?”

“Now she’s twenty.”

“Oh, cool. My brother, too.”

“I know.”

Noah probably didn’t want to talk about Clete, but neither did I.

“So – um – how’s your dad?”

“Fine.”

“Aunts, uncles?” I laughed feebly.

“Fine.”

I felt like a fool. I was going through his goddamn family tree. I wanted Noah to take control, and say something tough, but instead he was watching me like a teacher grading a presentation.

“If I – we had sex right now, would you tell your friends?” I asked bluntly.

“Not if you said not to.”

“Do you want to have sex right now?”

Noah shrugged. “I know you wouldn’t, whether I wanted to or not.”

“How do you know what I’d do?”

“Because most virgins do it with their boyfriends the first time,” he said. “And I know you’re a virgin, so I think you would wait.”

“How do you know I’m a virgin?” I asked, a bit offended.

“What, you’re not?”

I stood up, angry.

“I don’t like you judging me, Noah! I can have sex whenever I want. I don’t care if I’m a virgin or if I’m a prostitute from Las Vegas!”

Noah watched me nervously and stood up.

“Claire, I didn’t mean anything mean about you! I’m just saying that you shouldn’t let your emo—,”

I huffed and stomped into the living room. Noah followed me, and grabbed my arm.

“You think I’m irresponsible!” I shouted.

“Wha – no!”

“Yeah, you do! Dammit, Noah, I’m not irresponsible! You don’t even know me!”

I was telling a lie, though, as I was irresponsible. But he shouldn’t have known that. He shouldn’t have known why.

“I never said you’re disorganized, I meant… you’re a bit emotional.”

That idiot!

“I am NOT emotional!”

“I didn’t mean it that way! I’m just saying that the first time you sleep with a guy, it’ll probably be because you got really hot and bothered!”

“I’m a slut now?”

“Huh?!”

“I sleep with guys whenever I get hot? Thanks, Noah, thanks.”

I have no clue why I was angry with what he was saying, but I was determined to disagree with him. He kept grabbing my arm, but I kept pushing him off.

“How do you know I wasn’t all ‘hot and bothered’ earlier, huh?”

“What?”

I started saying things that could be taken the wrong way, and probably were.

“I was surrounded by hot boys about thirty minutes ago! I’m alone in a house with a guy! What makes it so hard for me to get hot and bothered!? Am I impotent or something? Or, or am I lesbian? Hell, Noah, I was watching porn earlier! How do you know if I really didn’t call you in the house for sex!? But you just ruined the mood, didn’t you! You could’ve banged me, but you had to open your mouth!”

Noah’s expression changed from being confused to stupefied.

“You would’ve let me fuck you?”

“We’ll never know now!”

“W-well, hold on, Claire, don’t you think you’re overreacting a little bit?”

“No!”

I heard something outside, but I ignored it. I stomped to my room, with Noah trailing behind me.

“Wait, Claire, I mean, if you wanna mess around I’m fine with that.”

“But I’m a disorganized slut, remember?”

I pushed his hands off my arm, and left him in my room. I ran to the washroom and searched for his sweater.

“Claire!”

Goddamn. That wasn’t Noah’s voice.

“Claire, where are you!?”

I didn’t answer, and then I realized it was my mom. I heard her whisper something to Greg, and they both giggled. I stopped my search and ran back to my room, where Noah was frozen.

“She’s not here?” Greg asked loudly. My mom giggled again. I heard their footsteps coming toward my room, so I grabbed Noah and shoved him in my messy, cramped closet. Noah hit his head on the pole that held my clothes, since I had it lowered so I could reach it. I almost laughed when he swore quietly, but then Greg and my mom came into my room.

“She’s not here.” My mom said finally.

“Great.”

“Probably with her boyfriend – that Andre boy…”

Greg chuckled, and so did Noah. Luckily they both had relatively low voices, so I was the only one who heard Noah. I heard my mom sit on my bed.

“I’ve always wanted to do it on my kid’s bed.” She said, laughing.

Dammit.

“Me, too.” Greg said. The next thing I heard was my mom giggling, and then she shrieked. I was too grossed out. My mom was messing around with a big hairy guy – rapist – in my bed! Yuck!

They were making a lot of noise, so Noah rearranged himself recklessly behind me, and I almost fell down because he was moving too much. I’d never had such a display of the noticeable height difference between Noah and I until then. Noah had longer legs, and constantly kicked me, which was not only a symbol of our size difference, but a pain in the ass. I hit him hard somewhere, I couldn’t see where, and hissed for him to shut up, so he stopped.

I have no clue how long my mom and Greg were in my room, but I kept my ears closed the entire time. I tried to focus completely on the little things, with my other senses. I couldn’t see anything, so I closed my eyes, but the entire time I smelt Noah. Usually smelling a guy is sexy, but this was about two percent sexy; he smelt like bologna, butter popcorn and beer. The two percent sexiness came from the sheer male-smell factor. I couldn’t taste anything aside from the dryness in my mouth, so I tried to ignore that, because it made me thirsty. Aside from feeling my ears with my hands, I felt Noah breathing behind me. I hate my closet, it’s so damn small! I felt his breath over my head, and his chest; one of the many parts of Noah that was desirable.

The only thing I learned on Martin Luther King Day is that when I’m not there my mom and Greg get it on in my bed.