Cliché, My Foot

SUMMARY: ONESHOT. According to all hopeless romantics and lovers of cliches, aka, the rest of their school, Maya the cheerleader and Evan the “emo goth guy” should be totally falling for each other. Too bad they’re cousins.

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May 14, 1997

“Maya is a poopyhead!”

“I am not!”

“Are too!”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“Well, Evan is a double poopyhead!”

“No I’m not! You take that back!”

“oooh why don’t you make me, huh?”

“Fine! I will!”

September 07, 2007

According to all of my hopeless romantics of friends, this scene is the epitome of “I-like-you-so-I’ll tease you.” (This horrific scene was captured on video by my dad. Thanks a lot, Paps). That might be so, except for the slight problem that said Evan, aka “double poopyhead,” is well…

December 25, 2000

“Hope you like what my parents got you.”

“Oh?”

“It’s that stupid doll you wanted.”

“DIE EVAN! I’M SUPPOSED TO OPEN THE PRESENT FIRST, YOU BUTTHEAD!”

November 21, 2007

My friends admit that she’s hot. I guess she’s hot, it’s just too weird for me to imagine, especially after she called me “butthead” and we’ve had all this animosity all these years. Ever since we were born. And the problem is, I can’t hate her, because, she’s my…

June 03, 2003

“Happy 13th, Evan!”

“Whoopdee doo.”

“Geeze, do you have to be so cynical? It’s your birthday, for crying out loud.”

“Well maybe it’s because I have to put up with your ugly face all the time.”

“Hey! Cut it out, you two! Do you have to insult each other all the time? You’re related, for goodness sakes!”

February 13, 2007

Yah, Evan’s my cousin. We both don’t publicly broadcast the fact and would prefer to not be related at all. I’m actually surprised no one has figured out we’re related yet. Apparently they think we’re “family friends who grew up hating each other but will fall in love someday soon.” Oh please. Cut the crap. Thank gawd for Sandra, my co-captain, levelheaded best friend. She’s the only one who isn’t begging me to hook up with Evan every five seconds, and you can bet I’m grateful.

June 20, 2004

“Morris, Maya.”

-cheers and hollers-

“Thompson, Evan.”

-light, scattered applause-

“Got your little fan posse, huh, cuz?”

“Shut up, Evan.”

March 23, 2007

It may seem like I’m bitter, but I’m not. We set the lines a long time ago, Maya and I. She was the pretty, blonde, popular cheerleader; I was the black-haired, dark-clothed, listens-to-angsty-music emo goth guy. I’m not bitter about it. It’s just really annoying sometimes, Maya being this little perfect princess when she’s actually quite mean. None of my friends notice, though. “Dude, Maya’s hot. She’s totally into you, why aren’t you going for her?” I don’t tell them she’s my cousin because well… we pretend we’re not related. Ozzy (born Oswald, which he doesn’t broadcast), my best friend, is the only one who knows Maya’s my cousin. And that was when he forced it out of me.

September 30, 2005

-crash-

“I’m so sor—Oh it’s you.”

“Why you sound almost happy to see me, Miss Cheerleader!”

“Maybe it’s because you practically wet yourself.”

“Low AND lame. How pathetic can you get?”

“Move, Thompson. You’re in my way.”

April 17, 2007

Okay I admit I was a bit mean there. I can’t help it! Evan’s so infuriating. I think his purpose in life is to bug me to no end. Oh great, that made me sound conceited, didn’t it? I can’t help it. Evan is just so… UGH. I swear he brings out the worst in me, which I really hate, especially since he’s always hanging out with…

October 31, 2005

“Are you coming as yourself? Because, you know, it’s scary enough.”

“Funny, Thompson, funny. I could say the same for you.”

“Oh but then it wouldn’t be funny anymore, would it, Miss Popular?”

“It’s a good thing I don’t care about funny then.”

“I like funny.”

May 01, 2007

The last part was a bit random, and trust me, it didn’t come from Maya. Or me. It actually came from Sandra, Maya’s best friend. She tends to say some really weird stuff sometimes. It seems like it only happens when Maya and I are having our daily insult fest, but since I don’t talk to Sandra that much, I wouldn’t know. Sandra’s actually pretty cool; I don’t have a problem with her. Speaking of problems, I gotta speak to Ozzy, who acts pretty weird sometimes himself…

November 17, 2006

“Maya?”

“Huh? Sorry, Sandra, got a bit sidetracked…”

-glances over shoulder-

“Oh, if by sidetracked you mean, ‘I was just totally ogling—’”

“Don’t you dare, Sandra Marie, say what you were going to say.”

May 11, 2007

Okay, I admit it. I’ve been crushing on him for about two years now. I can’t help it! He’s just so sweet and sensitive and cute and totally the opposite of my loser cousin. It sucks that they’re friends, though, because that makes him totally off limits, I think. I’m pretty sure Evan would kill me if he ever knew.

January 08, 2007

“Dude. DUDE.”

“Yah?”

“Is Maya Hottie Morris looking over here?”

“She is?”

“She IS?”

-looks up-

“No, it’s just…”

-stares-

“Earth to Evan. ‘Allo.”

“Sorry?”

“You spaced out there for a minute, Evan.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

May 18, 2007

Okay maybe I’m attracted the teensiest bit to her. She’s just so different than Miss “Maya Hottie Morris,” as my friends so eloquently stated. She’s intelligent, for one thing, and she appreciates good humor. It doesn’t help that she’s cute, either. Too bad she’s friends with Maya. Because if I ever asked her out, it’d be akin to doing something suicidal…

May 24, 2007

“Just do it, Maya, I know you want to.”

”What are you talking about, Sandra?”

“I know you wanna ask him out. Just do it.”

May 24, 2007

“Yo Evan.”

“Yah, Ozzy?”

“Don’t pretend I haven’t noticed you looking at her for the past two weeks.”

“Looking at who?”

“You know who. Just ask her out. Just do it.”

June 05, 2007

“Um… hi.”

-wide-eyed stares-

“Um… can I er… ask you something?”

June 05, 2007

“Hey.”

“Why are you here? Maya’s not here right now.”

“Oh, I know. I’m er… here to er… talk to um… you?”

June 05, 2007

“Can you – I mean would you – I mean do you wanna go out with me, Ozzy?”

“Will you – if you want, that is – go out with me, Sandra?”

“You’re kidding me.”

-crest fallen face-

“You’ve got to be joking.”

-sigh of rejection-

“No, I’m not, Ozzy. I—“

-cut off-

“I swear I’m not, Sandra—“

-cut off-

-steps away breathlessly-

“Do you know how long I’ve wanted to do that, Maya?”

-pants heavily-

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time, Evan.”

August 19, 2007

We don’t hate each other that much, anymore, in case you haven’t noticed.

Yah, Maya, considering we’re dating each other’s best friends.

Speaking of which, you hurt her and—

You’ll slaughter me into a million pieces, I know.

And you’re allowed to rip my eyes out if I hurt him.

I’m kinda hoping you will, just so I can do that.

Oh shut up, you two.

Yah seriously, won’t you ever stop bickering?

No.

No.

-rolls her eyes- This is hopeless, isn’t it, Ozzy?

-quirks his eyebrow- Do you even have to ask, Sandra?

-together- Oh shut up, you two!

-together- And how are you going to do that?

Evan?

Maya?

-together- Like this.

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A/N: I do realize it gets kinda confusing (haha) but hopefully you can guess who says what. If not, I’ll update with “MAYA:” s and “EVAN:”s and so forth. ;D Constructive criticism appreciated!