Just to let people know, if you decide to read this: This is a true story of mine. Well, not exactly a story, but I just wanted to create a daily scenario that I happen to go through everyday. Since it is summer, I racked my brains out remembering everything from a regular school day. S.A.D. stands for Social Anxiety Disorder, which I happen to have.

Please be sensitive, as this is the first time I've decided to open my stories to the world. I know it doesn't sound like me at all, but these are all true, and I live through this hell every single day.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A S.A.D. GIRL
PART ONE

7:39 AM

The moment I open my eyes in the morning I can already feel the worries settling in. Picking out clothes can be mind-boggling for everyone, but it’s a little more than just style that bothers me. No, that one’s too long, it looks too weird. Oh no, this skirt’s too short, everyone will think I’m a slut. Already I’m running through scenarios in my head. If I don’t pick something comfortable to wear, I’ll have it on my mind for the entire day.

8:10 AM

I just downed a cup of coffee for breakfast. Thoughts about going to school arise. I feel so tired right now, another night of no sleep. Now I’m not going to be able to talk to people properly. A streak of anxiety shoots through my stomach like a hot rod. What if no one talks to me today? What if I look tired and people ignore me? What if I say something stupid and get embarrassed? Just the thought of it already makes me feel embarrassed. I quickly finish the rest of my tiny breakfast.

8:32 AM

My dad’s car pulls up next to my school. He and my sister tell me to have a great day. But I already see a mass of students walking into the school. I feel scared. I shouldn’t be scared, and I know I shouldn’t be, but I still am! I begin to do my relaxation breathing techniques as I shut the car door.

8:37 AM

Now is the hardest part of the day: Walking down the hall. Some older students are sitting against the wall as I pass in front of them. I hate walking past people like that. They were staring me at, weren’t they? I cringe. I become conscious of my walking and facial expressions. It’s not possible that all of them could be staring at me at once but still… I feel like everyone is talking about me. Then I look down at the ground and avoid eye contact.

When I get to my locker, my friends aren’t there yet. I’m alone. What do I do? I start having a mild S.A.D. panic attack and start sweating and turning multiple shades of red. Do I seem weird standing here waiting? No, that’s stupid. Everyone does that. I should sit. Yes. So I slowly sat down and hide behind a book so it looks like I’m doing something. But then a guy comes to the locker next to me and asks me to move over. I get nervous again. I try to read but the words don’t seem to make sense. I can feel myself sweating like crazy and my throat clamps up. He’s looking at me, I just know it. Please go away, I think inside my head, Just leave! Finally he’s gone and I sigh in relief. Then I spot one of my friends around the corner and I go to greet her.

8:55 AM

I’m in careers class. This class is OK because I have a few friends here and it’s fun talking to them. I’ve discovered that I forget about my S.A.D. when I’m talking to people I’m comfortable with. I even said something aloud in class! That’s a big hit for me and I was really proud of myself. I finished my work as usual and handed it in. Then I began having a conversation about mangas with my friend. As unusual as it may be, the conversation makes me extremely happy. I suppose it will keep my spirits up for at least half an hour after I leave the class. Maybe longer, if I’m lucky.

10:22 AM

Still in a cheerful mood, I walk down the hall and see a group of friends I eat lunch with. My self-esteem shoots back up temporarily while we joke around about ninjas. Uh oh, I’m late for history! I say goodbye and dash up the stairs. I still feel great about my friends and wear their love like a shield around me. So when students saw me tearing up the stairs, possibly looking stupid, I didn’t even care! For now. And then I entered the history room.

10:32 AM

The teacher doesn’t notice that I’m late, but I feel like everybody else does. It’s my Gifted class, an unsafe zone for me. Nervousness washes over me again. I feel like everyone in that class is watching me sit down and take out my books. No. I know they’re not, but I can’t quit shake off the feeling. I remind myself that it’s just the S.A.D. kicking in. Relaxation technique again. Breathe in… breathe out…

11:01 AM

My Gifted class is the class that I don’t have any friends, except for one guy who sometimes will go depressed and not talk to anyone. Today’s one of those days. Even though the teacher’s talking, a couple of the preppier students are chatting away in the back. I secretly wish to join the conversation but lack the confidence. So I just sit and stare down at the table as usual and draw pictures.

Uh oh. The teacher just asked a question. Oh no, please don’t look at me, don’t look! I don’t want to answer. She looks at me. Crap. What do you think, Eruza? She says. Now I start having a major anxiety attack. My face turns ALL red, my throat closes up again, my hands sweat like crazy. Damn it, everyone’s staring at me, what do I do? I can’t think, I can’t say anything. I try to say the answer, but a scratchy, tiny voice comes out. What if I said the wrong thing? What if the answer was completely off?

To my relief, the teacher nods in approval, and asks around for other opinions. I try to not sigh, but I really want to. My face is still red, and I still feel like I’m being stared at. Now my self-esteem plunges, but I don’t know why. I can’t look up anymore. For the rest of the hour, and keep my head down and keep drawing my pictures, avoiding any eye contact at all. At one point in time, a boy in the class asks me what I’m drawing. I’m surprised that I’m being talked to, and without thought, I simply say “nothing”. He blinks and walks away. Why did I say that? Why?

11:19 AM

At this point, I feel like crying now, but I can’t. My eyes are burning a little, but my anxiety is holding it back. Oh damn, don’t cry, don’t cry. Why am I so stupid? Why did I say that, I sound like such a fucking loner. I hold in my tears for the rest of the period, and finally dash down to my locker.

11:30 AM

At my locker, I’m still feeling self-conscious. Will my friends be there for lunch today? Will they talk to me at lunch today, or will I be all alone? I keep thinking these thoughts while conscious about my body movements. I try to ignore the thoughts swarming around in my brain, trying to keep calm and not exploding. Why do I have to be this way, why??!