PART TWO

OK, lunch time! Friends are friendly as usual. I talk mostly to three of my friends that I usually eat lunch with, but there’s another group of people with us. Some of them are really loud, I feel a bit lost in their conversation. I even start feeling a bit offended for no reason, so I stay with the few people. Even though I’m with them, I always feel a tad uncomfortable. I shake the feeling off.

So far so good. No sign at all that there’s something wrong with me. I spent time at my locker trying to make it look like I wasn’t about to start sobbing. I’m pretty sure that none of my friends know about my little issues, and I like to keep it that way. I hate being a burden on people, so in public, I am just good ol’ Eruza. Good ol’ Eruza that likes to study, draw pictures, and watch anime. Happy, happy, happy, and free as a bird! No one suspects a thing. I even have to white lie to some more personal questions that people ask. As much as I hate lying, some things I need to keep to myself to feel protected.

12:15 PM

Damn it. I need to walk past large groups of people in the library. I hate doing that. I still feel like they’re staring. It would be so much quicker to walk through the tables but… I chicken out and walk the long way around the entire room.

12:44 PM

I’m laughing like mad with one of my best friends. Oh, god it feels so great to laugh freely! It’s like all my troubles are gone… for now. I savour every minute of lunch break until it’s finally over. I’m always 4-5 minutes late for my next class, because it’s a gifted class again.

1:08 PM

Yup. Math class with the other Giftees. As much as I like math, I can’t stand being with these people, I don’t know why. I just feel so intimidated all the time. I like sitting at the very front or back all the time, so I don’t have to face anyone in that class. Sometimes I have enough guts to answer a question or two, but I work really hard on paper to prove that I understand it, since I don’t talk as much. I really dislike being in this class. I excuse myself to the bathroom and stay there for as long as I can. Sometimes I run into people along the way and I stop to chat. My god, I feel so lonely.

1:55 PM

Please let this period be over! I can’t seem to stop glancing at the clock. Bleagh, obsessive compulsion. Must control.

2:04 PM

Ok, it’s just business class. It’s not much better than math class. This time, I’m stuck with a bunch of preps who talk really loudly and play games all through the class. I know a couple of people in that class so I chat for while and then get back to work. This period is really, really boring, and I can’t help but reflect my day.

For most people, reflection can be a positive thing. For me, it’s not always that simple. I run through every bad moment through the day, every painful second that I feel myself plunging below. It hurts. I think about awkward silences in conversations and people who seemed to be giving me dirty looks. Why can’t I stop these thoughts? Why?

Damn it. I feel like crying again, and I’m close to bursting to tears. Ok, now is a good time to listen to some music. I turn my mp3 player on. Better, better. I just can’t wait to get out of the classroom. I feel so uncomfortable here, like I don’t belong.

3:13 PM

PLEASEE!!! Let class almost be over! It’s getting a little hard to breathe now. I just need to get out of the classroom.

3:20 PM

Phew. I’m down at my locker, and I’m greeted by two of my best friends. Feeling good, no sign that I was about to cry. It’s all good. Now I can have a good time with my friends and feel a whole lot better. Good.

4:49 PM

We’re still at the café, and I completely forgot about the time! All this laughing and chatting makes me feel so uplifted! I should probably head home pretty soon…

5:35 PM

I just boarded the bus home. Now with my friends gone, I feel like someone has lifted a blanket off me. Walking onto the bus is the worst, everybody on the bus stares at you and watches the way you walk. I usually run to the back of the bus, but today it’s crowded. I have to stand in the front. I hate being in the front. Damn it. My happiness begins to start wearing off now.

5:55 PM

The bus driver was in a bad mood and yelled at me for no reason as I get off the bus. It makes me feel so offended and upset. I feel like crying again. I’m trying to hold it in. It’s really hard. But I’m close to my house, the safe haven.

6:08 PM

Home. Safe. I throw down the things and give a weird, loud cry of relief. My mother sees me and asks my day. I start complaining about something, which makes her annoyed. I then dash up to my room. Freedom, freedom, no more people.

My mother at this stage, is hurt that I just ran up to my room, like everyday after school. As much as I love her, she doesn’t understand how it feels. This strange sense of relief when I come home. I don’t have to keep a straight face, I don’t need to watch the way I move my body.

6:40 PM

My dad’s home. He says nothing much, as usual. I have to look cheerful or else he gets upset if I look like I’m unhappy. I try to ask his day, but dad’s too tired. Like always.

8:35 PM

It’s near dark. I’m starting to lose it around this hour. The masks of emotion have fallen off, I feel so vulnerable. Then my mom yells at me again, and I break down. Why do I have to hurt her when I’m the one who has these problems? This reminds me of the time when I tried to explain S.A.D. to her, and she just said “Then, why don’t you just NOT be like that?” and burst into tears. I felt so guilty of making my mom cry.

I can’t stand these feelings. Hopping onto my bed, the tears begin pouring out. All the hot tears I was forced to hold in during the day always come out at night. Anger, frustration, pain, hurt, embarrassment. I felt these emotions bursting through my skin, echoing through my head. I can’t stand it, I hate myself…

I need to see my therapist again… But it’s only Tuesday. I groan in frustration, still a few more days until I see her next. Tears, tears, that’s all I can see in my view right now. Oh god, make it stop, why am I so weak? I’m just a fucking weakling. I can’t do anything right, I’m stupid. Why am I so shy? Why don’t I have friends?

Finally, I flick out Wilfred and for some reason I smile. Scratch… scratch… It felt so good. A few more scratches, just across the left wrist. Wilfred my trusty safety pin was always there. Scratch… scratch…I start thinking about painful childhood memories. The physical pain was nothing. It wasn’t cutting. I wouldn’t cut, it seemed too easy. I like to tear away at the skin, layer by layer, scraping and chafing at it. I whack my head against the wall and for some reason, I laugh a scary laugh.

Couple more scratches until I see droplets of red. There we go. Much better, no? It doesn’t feel like anything to me, the scraping. Compared to what I felt burdened on the inside, this was nothing. Just the left wrist. No one will really notice, it’s not that deep. Oh shit. This one is kinda long. I’ll have to wear my arm warmers tomorrow to cover it up. Meh.

What scares me most is that I can’t really feel anything when I scrape. It’s almost as if I’m dead, isn’t it? Suddenly the door opens, and I quickly slip Wilfred under my pillow. My heart is pounding, but I smile sweetly up at mom. Nothing happened here. It’s all good.

9:30 PM

Showering, showering. I stand in the shower and let my skin burn. Feels good…

10:23 PM

I always stay up late writing poems and drawing anime. It’s just what I do and it takes pressure off everything else in my life. My mom is yelling at me to go to sleep. I can hear my dad downstairs watching TV, not talking as usual.

10:44 PM

Fuck. I remember about the contract I signed with my therapist. She said I had to promise not to hurt myself this week. Damn it. I broke the contract. I start crying again, my drawings now have little blots of tears on them.

11:15 PM

Damn, damn, damn. She’s going to ask about it, and I’ll have to tell her I did it again. Now I’m really crying, for stupid reasons, on my bed. I know I won’t be able to sleep well again tonight.

But everything’s better in the dark. No one can see anything. My parents are asleep, they don’t need to be bothered by my sobbing. Thank god. The darkness of my room is so comforting yet it only acts as a shield for my pain. It hurts, everything, I feel like every inch of my soul is hurting. Fuck. When can I finally escape this cycle? I’m going to wake up tired again tomorrow and go through the same damn thing.

1:33 AM

So… tired. But I can’t sleep. My thoughts are still resounding in my head, round and round like a carousel. I can’t stop thinking about those bad times during the day. Ughh… please give me sleep. I have to get up tomorrow… Please, please, please…

?:?? AM

I don’t even know what time it is, but everything aches… slowly drifting off to sleep… finally…