Anecdotes of a Virgin

1. It was awkward enough that your mom was just upstairs

and after all we were watching children’s movies

and I had heard all these rumours about your family

so when you found it sexy to stroke my stomach,

then informed me

my boobs matched the size of your hand

I thought I should inform you

that you weren't even that great at kissing

2. You were too old for me anyways.

that should have been enough

I knew by the fourth cigarette in the rain that your idea

of a hot date

was backseat fucking

and I really didn't know how to tell you

my dad would shoot you in the face

3. When I understood the state of my life

realized it was time to just have sex

I didn't expect to have someone like you

all over me

drunk as fuck

and far too rough

so I found someone better, but by that time

we were saying goodbye

4. all I can say is

it took me years to get these boobs

and you never touched them

how did you ever expect me to feel comfortable?

when by 4th date, you were still giddy

about holding hands

and when I started to love each moment of it

you dumped me

5. "Do you have your period or something?"

"Yes" how else was I going to break it to you that

I just didn't feel comfortable

fucking whomever

but then you replied

"okay for a second I thought you were scared"

that ruined every good moment

6. I was counting our rhythm

and you were always off beat,

gagging me with your tongue

and I could just imagine

the state I’d be in

if I ever let you inside me

7. Oddly enough the carwash didn't create

a sexy atmosphere

and you took to me to this mansion

you called home

and I could have fucked you in every last corner

but I realized this was all about money

and feeling cheap and whorish wasn't my style

so we drove home in silence

and broke up a week later

8. You puked all night

we liked each other

or so we thought

but the puking was enough

9. Our worst possible mistake was to get in to bed together

it was so overwhelming

the next morning I had bruises

and I was so sure

that you'd be the one

but my legs have this tendency to close

10. Dressed up

fake eyelashes and everything

smoking, ashing all over myself

and you'd think that by my extraordinary dance moves

I was too drunk to even stand

still walking around in heels

you're asking to go upstairs

I couldn't even form the words

fuck you

so I drank more

smoked more

and woke up still spinning

11. There was that one night

I was so sure my memory would be gone

we could have done it all night

but you said I love you

I am so sure

and the least I could say

was no

smile

and get the fuck out of there

12. You whispered, "cock tease" to me

need I say more?

you get what you ask for

so I let you feel my boobs

and walked away