I wrote this as a satirical piece in my English class. I don't mean it to offend anyone, so I'm warning you now that it satirizes technology as religion. Please don't flame me, but leave constructive reviews.

iSermon

Welcome. Please, everyone, plug your iBibles into the USB ports in front of you and download today’s sermon.

We all follow and worship iGod as the one true God; we follow no other God before, or even after, Him. iGod offers us our only chance for salvation. Without His forgiveness, our sins condemn us to uHell, where our souls would forever endure unbearable agonies and tortures, including using Windows as our operating systems. Strive to join iGod’s kingdom and accept what you can gain only through iJesus: Forgiveness and salvation.

iJesus saved us long ago when even the most primitive of iPods barely existed. He, the son of iGod, died for our sins and saved us from uHell. He protects and loves us.

But iJesus also separates us, offering salvation only to those of his choosing. He leaves all others to the eternal suffering of uHell. He determines who deserves a place in iHeaven and who must descend to uHell.

Today I will show you that iJesus never acts out of cruelty, even when condemning souls to uHell. Today I will explain to you the meaning of the parable of the Macs and the PCs.

iJesus must separate us for he is as the user sitting before our monitors, protecting and caring for us as he guides us from sin with our mice. Some sinners, however, refuse his love and offers of salvation. They force him to send them to uHell even though iJesus wants to save them and bring them to iHeaven. Those who deny iJesus and salvation, who refuse his love and instead care only for themselves, become PCs. All those who follow iJesus to salvation become Macs. To assure each man his rightful place in iHeaven or uHell, iJesus separates us into Macs, who return his love and accept salvation, and PCs, who deny iJesus and hate him.

All of us in the iChurch love iJesus, as all good Macs must. We learn from the parables how to love him as he loves us and how to accept him into our lives. The parable of the Macs and the PCs teaches us all we must know to be separated as Macs: accept iJesus. But it also teaches us the sins of those called PCs: they deny iJesus.

Our task presents many difficulties, but many more rewards. Far better to strive for salvation and live eternally in iHeaven than to feel too lazy and hateful to accept iJesus and die eternally in uHell.

If you love iJesus and would be one of the Macs he brings salvation to, and if you truly care for him and all those around you, look carefully for him. Do not search for him in iHeaven: You will not find him. Search for him here on earth in the midst of mankind whom he loved enough to die for.

iJesus will not call us PCs if we fail to be perfect in our care, if we stumble or trip a little along the way. He only judges us that way if we refuse to even try, if we sit on our couches at home and ignore his teachings in favor of sin. If we find ourselves content to deal only with the obvious and fail to look past the obvious to see he lives with us in our cities and blocks, only then do we become PCs.