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Scotty doesn't know,
Scotty doesn't know,
Scotty doesn't know,
Scotty doesn't know,
Don't tell Scotty.
Scotty doesn't knoooooow...
Scotty will know,
Scotty has to know,
Scotty's gotta know,
Gonna tell Scotty,
Gonna tell him myself.
Scotty has to know,
Scotty has to know,
Scotty has to,
Scotty has to,
Scotty has to go!
Scotty Doesn't Know
Lustra
Scotty Doesn’t Know
A One-Shot
Drama often obscures the real issue
--Jenny Holzer
I stared at the pregnancy test in horror.
This could not be happening to me.
An addition sign meant positive, right?
I mean, there was no mistaking the fact that I was indeed pregnant?
There wasn’t some weird alternating code that I wasn’t aware about. Like the positive means I’m definitely not pregnant and can therefore go on with my life as usual and next time use a condom while doubling up on the birth control pills.
Right?
My mother is going to kill me.
Slowly I reached out and grabbed the box that the pregnancy test had come in. I turned it over to the back and read. Maybe I’d made a mistake somewhere along the lines which affected the outcome of the test. Like, I’d held it in my urine too long so some form of chemical balance fucked up.
Most likely not...
I was sure as hell pregnant.
Though I am pretty amazed at how calm I’m being about finding out. I guess I’ve known for a long time now and have been psyching myself out for this moment. I mean it’s been what, three months already? That I’ve been sick to my stomach, craving French fries dipped in mint chocolate-chip ice cream, sensitive to all kids of smells, in a constant state of denial as I snapped at my two best friends Jen and Shannon and to top off my towering creation I’m still sleeping with Scotty, the father, who’s still sleeping with other girls because we’re not exclusive and he can’t seem to keep his dick in his pants when I’m not around.
More like he hasn’t found the fucking balls to ask me out properly.
Not like I would.
Be exclusive with him, that is.
Scratch that thought, I have no idea what I’d do now.
Scum bag.
What kind of father is he going to make?
What kind of life is he going to provide for our offspring?
Oh, god. I’m having his child!
We’re going to have a child.
Together.
I’m going to be a mother at seventeen.
He’s going to be a father at seventeen.
Scotty, who can barely take care of himself without having his mommy remind him to wash behind his ears. Scotty, who can’t seem to be sober for longer than thirty-minutes a day. Scotty, who still tells locker room stories with his friends comparing the cup size of girls’ chests and how bitchy we are on our periods.
Wanna see some bitching now, Scotty?
Cause I got plenty coming towards yah.
Scotty can’t be a father.
In fact, Scotty’s not going to be a father.
I’m not going to tell him.
With a deep sigh I was able to calm myself down, not that I needed to but my head was spinning, and wipe away the tears falling down my face.
I stood and cleaned up the mess I’d made with the pregnancy test. With shaky hands I opened the door and slowly walked down the hall towards the kitchen where my mother sat reading the morning paper and my father stood over a skillet of hash browns and fried eggs. The smell made me nauseous. I pulled the sleeves of my long shirt down over my hands to hide the fact that they wouldn’t stop shaking.
“Morning princess.” My dad greeted turning towards me with a spatula in his hand and a smile on his face. My mom greeted me the same way with a sip of her coffee. Oh god, I was going to kill them with this news. I mean literally kill them. My mom was going to choke on her coffee and my dad was going to burn some body part on the skillet that will result in third degree burns and a large hospital tab.
I gripped the back of the chair and forced a smile painfully.
“Is everything okay, sweet heart?” my mom asked lowering her newspaper and watching me from behind her Gucci glasses.
“I have something to tell you.” I croaked; swallowing in order to bring some saliva to my cottonmouth.
“Oh my god.” My mother said staring at me as I blinked. “Are you pregnant?”
My mouth fell open in shock as I stared at her. How did she know? Was I already showing? I didn’t think I was that bad.
“This is the part where you’re supposed to deny that and reassure us that you’ve simply overdrawn from your checking account again.” My father chuckled haven abandoned his cooking and turned to face me while waiting for my answer. My eyes darted between my parent’s faces nervously as I frantically searched for an out.
“I’m three months along, I think.” I responded lowering my eyes to my hands as they exploded. My parents were extremely strict and didn’t believe in premarital sex. They’d both been absolutely perfect in high school, straight A students, no drugs, drinking, or sex, etc. and still thought life was like that. Without temptation and other things teenagers were pressured by everyday.
As they were yelling at me my little sister Chloe came into the kitchen scratching her head and rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
“Your burning the hash browns, dad.” She murmured pointing towards the skillet which was now letting off a foul burning smell. My dad swore and turned to take care of that as my mom started crying. I couldn’t believe I’d dropped this bomb on them. I couldn’t believe I’d disappointed them so much as I watched how crushed my mom was.
“What’d I miss?” Chloe asked sitting at the table with a mug of coffee. She was fifteen and well on her way to depending on two cups a day. She looked at all of our faces before shrugging. “Did you finally tell them you’re pregnant?”
My mom snapped the table as her head shot towards Chloe. “You knew?”
“Duh, of course I knew.” She rolled her eyes. “It’s obvious from her behavior difference, change in appetite, fatigue, weight loss, nauseous and temperamental attitude as well as extremely sensitive nose for smells. You guys would know this if you were around more often.” Chloe was going to be a doctor when she was older, that or a therapist.
I have money riding on the latter.
The conversation from there turned to punishing and chastising both of us (a little too late for me—as Chloe so lovingly pointed out) and dragging me to the doctors in order to make sure everything was okay.
Things weren’t okay but I doubted that was what my parents were talking about.
If love is the answer; could you please rephrase the question?
--Lily Tomlin
I guess I’m four months pregnant and due mid-April. Which means the date of conception was about the week before school started. Perfect, I loose my virginity and become pregnant all on one go.
God is a cruel, cruel man.
“Oh, I hope it’s a girl!” Chloe squealed clapping her hands together in excitement as we left the doctors with every bit of information we would ever need about pregnancy. Especially the stuff I never wanted to know as well as a sonogram of the baby. It was still too early to tell the sex but yeah, there was definitely a baby inside of me.
Dammit.
My mother scowled the entire way home as Chloe continued to gush about all the baby things we had to buy and everything we needed to do to prepare for the homecoming of her niece or nephew.
She was about to sign me up for Lamaze class on the hospital billboard when my mom stopped her. Now I caught my mom’s eyes in the rearview mirror and knew what that look she gave me meant.
I wouldn’t be keeping the baby.
If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun
--Katherine Hepburn
“Has Scotty finally committed to you?” Jen had sarcastically asked over the phone. I barked a laugh and said pigs would fly before Scotty committed to me. I threw up once I’d gotten off the phone with her after thinking in the pit of my gut that Scotty would commit if I told him the truth. But I didn’t want to force him into something I knew he wasn’t ready for. Hell, I’m not even ready for this to happen to me. But it is and I’m going to live with it.
Only for five more months though.
Then I can go back to being a normal, ha, teenage girl.
“Jesus, hold your horses will you?” I teased making myself comfortable on Jen’s bed and stuffing my hands into the kangaroo pocket on my hoodie. I still wasn’t showing, it was only two weeks since I’d find out the ‘big news’ and my mother so kindly put it, but I covered myself up either way. If they get use to it now then whenever I do show it won’t be that big a thing.
I hadn’t wanted to tell them so soon. I had planned on waiting until after the Christmas holidays, but Thanksgiving was a week ago and my mother told me it would be better to just get it over with before I loose my chance or my nerve.
So here I am, two weeks later about to spill my darkest secret and praying I don’t loose my two best friends.
“Seriously Shannon,” Jen teased ruffling the girls’ hair as she came into the bedroom behind her with a bowl of popcorn and a six pack of soda tucked into her arms. “What’s the rush? It’s not like you have a hot date with John or anything.”
“Psh, I wish.” Shannon snorted popping the tab on her can of soda and taking a sip. “John and I haven’t gone on a date in…oh—gosh—geez—um…”
“Stop thinking, it’s hurting my brain.” Jen smiled causing Shannon to laugh.
“Okay guys, seriously, I have something important to te—” I started to say after our laughter had began to die down. I was interrupted when Kate came rushing through the door, her arms laden with books and an exhausted look on her face. Kate was Jen’s twin sister, well they were part of a set of sextuplets but the other four were boys. All extremely well looking and for the most part polite people save for Nolen who’s an ass and Christopher who has social problems related to autism.
“Oh sorry—I can see this is another sleep-over…thing…so I’ll just be out of your guys’ hair in a jiffy. Let me exchange some stuff real quick.” Kate said pouring her books onto her bed and grabbing her backpack as she stuffed it with more things.
“No, it’s okay Kate. You might as well stay and hear this too.” I said brushing my bangs out of my face with a shake of my head.
“Oh my god, is this like, a really serious thing?” Shannon asked in a mock sense of seriousness. Shannon had parents who were more strict than mine and devout in their religion as well. She was going to grow up to marry some rich lawyer or doctor and become a stay-at-home soccer mom with 2.5 children and a Mrs. Degree. She had an inability to lie and was everybody’s best friend which irked me at times. I’m a patient person but there’s only so much happiness shit I can take, especially with my hormones all waked out like they are now.
I rolled my eyes and twisted off the cap of my water bottle that I’d brought with me before taking a sip. Kate had her soda can halfway to her lips when she paused and looked at me with her head cocked. She’d made herself comfortable on top of her bed, after clearing her books onto her desk and changing into a pair of flannel pajama bottoms. Kate was one of those girls who just knew things. She didn’t have to stop and ask in order to get her answer because she could read people. She was also a workaholic and somehow couldn’t bring herself to say ‘no’ to teachers. I felt sorry for her at times.
I caught her eye and paused as a line of fear crossed my face before I composed myself. I didn’t know why it mattered weather or not Kate figured it out first since I was about to spill, but knowing she knew seemed to fill me with dread or possibly hope. I knew Kate wouldn’t go around spreading the word of my pregnancy, if anything she would be more discrete than her sister. But I felt like she was judging me somehow.
“Funny, thanks.” I murmured taking another sip and looking around the room to calm myself down.
Deep breathes, just keep taking deep breathes.
“Okay, but honestly, what’s the deal Shelly?” Jen asked popping a handful of kernels into her mouth. Jennifer had to be the most impatient person I knew. Which is a hypocritical statement in itself because it took her for-fucking-ever to become a couple with her now boyfriend Andrew. She likes to take her sweet time on things and can make some stupid decisions at times, but has a good heart none the less and is closer to me than Shannon will ever be.
“Better be careful or Andrew’s gonna end up dating a cow.” Kate joked from her position on the bed. Jen scowled and hit her sister’s leg backwards from where she sat on the floor without looking at her.
“Everyone knows people gain weight once they enter into a relationship.” Jen defended herself as the rest of us laughed.
“So that’s your excuse?” Shannon smirked.
“Sure is.” Jen said smugly while taking another handful of popcorn.
“So come on Michelle, spill already.” Shannon whined tapping me with her foot. I took a deep breath and turned to them while spreading my arms on either side of my body to steady myself. Shannon and Jennifer were looking up at me eagerly from the floor and Kate was giving me a pained expression from her seat. I guess she knew this was going to be hard for me. Even harder since Shannon and Jennifer just thought it was some blow-off subject.
“I’m pregnant.” I blurted before closing my eyes and falling back onto the bed as I covered my face with my hands. I didn’t even want to see the expressions on my friend’s faces.
The room was silent for several minutes. I guess they were in shock. I peeked open an eye and saw Kate staring at the far wall as she drank from her soda. She met my glance and smiled before winking.
I could get through this, I guess.
I sat up and looked at Jennifer first. She had her hand positioned in front of her mouth but the kernels had all fallen into her lap. Her eyes were wide with confusion and uncertainty at my words as her left eye twitched. I always noticed that was an odd quirk of the White siblings.
I took a deep breath before turning to Shannon, whose opinion I knew was going to kill me. If I thought my parents were strict than Shannon’s were like Nazi soldiers. Not only that, they were Catholic Nazi soldiers. Shannon’s mouth was hanging open like a fish gaping through a bowl. She was blinking quickly as if her brain couldn’t process what she’d heard fast enough. Eventually things sunk in and her eyes narrowed towards me.
She was judging me.
Great.
“You’ve been drinking!” she screeched pointing a finger towards me as she dropped her soda can in the process.
That seemed to snap Jen out of whatever trance she was in. She quickly jumped up, grabbed the can as it spilled dark liquid all over her beige carpet, swore and ran to get a towel. She returned a minute later with a large bath towel “the only one I could find” and stepped on it to soak up the liquid. Then she settled on the edge of Kate’s bed and leaned forward onto her knees to stare at me as if thinking of the answer to a question she didn’t understand.
“How far along are you?” Jen finally asked. I glanced at Shannon quickly, who was still pointing a finger towards me accusingly, before replying to her.
“Four months, just about. Almost five.” I muttered with a shrug as I wiped my nose, which was starting to run along with the quiet tears that were streaming down my face, with the back of my hand.
“You’ve been drunk in the last two months at least!” Shannon shrieked again. Kate shushed her and got off the bed to shut the door, so nobody else would hear our shrills before she returned to her spot. I felt like I was under the inquisition lamp and they were going to be pulling guns on me any second now from their stares.
“I know, but I’ve been checked out twice already and the doctor says the baby’s healthy.” I replied with an uncomfortable shrug as I wiped some more tears from my face. I looked up when I felt the bed shift and a pair of small arms wrap around my torso. Kate settled her head on my shoulder and smiled. I clutched her arms with my hands and began to sob. That was the only thing I knew how to do at that moment.
“Does Scotty know?” Jen asked in a whisper. I shook my head since I couldn’t speak through my tears.
“Are you going to tell him?” Shannon continued. I shook my head again.
“Promise you won’t tell him, he can’t know.” I hissed clenching my teeth together in order to get the words out through my hiccupping.
“But he’s the father,” Shannon protested. “He has a right to know.”
“What kind of father do you think he’s going to be?” Kate interrupted before I could say the exact same thing. I looked at her from where she’d sat up straight and turned a full on glare towards the two sitting across the room. Shannon and Jen looked taken aback from Kate’s outburst but I smiled since I knew she wasn’t finished.
Kate and I were once really close friends. Mostly during middle school before she started taking on the role of God and doing everything that came her way. Her inability to say ‘no’ when asked to volunteer soon became known to the faculty and staff and they took every chance they could to get her to be in charge of one project or another. Once she did that she really had no time for friends, so we still hung out on occasion but I slowly drifted over to the Shannifer—as they were called in middle school because they were literally joined at the hip—duo and started hanging out with them. I still feel Kate knows me better than any other person in that room.
“Scotty can’t even commit to one person!” Kate continued through her clenched teeth. “Even I can see that he’s head over heels for Michelle but he does nothing to make that obvious to her and doesn’t try to even pretend they have a relationship, let alone get up the fucking nerve to ask her out.”
Okay, I have to admit I’d never heard Kate swear nor had she ever sounded so passionate about scorning someone.
“What do you think he’d do if we suddenly jumped a baby on him? He’s not going to step up to the plate like Andrew or John would, he’s not going to fight to keep the baby and raise his child and accept that it’s his child. He’s not going to be the man everyone would like him to be, so we’re not going to tell him. It’s Michelle’s decision and she’s made it, so respect it for god sake!” Kate finished before turning back towards me.
I was sobbing uncontrollably. I knew everything she said was true but it didn’t seem real until someone said the words out loud. It hurt to have somebody say that Scotty’s never going to be the man I need him to be. He’s never going to take on responsibilities or hold himself accountable for things.
I knew that.
I’ve known that from the start.
So why was it hurting so much to keep this from him?
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes
--Oscar Wilde
Hopefully without any prying freshman with him.
But in the process of all of this Scotty had slammed his full on 185 lb football players body into my stomach. Yes, my stomach. I felt a little bit of pain then. I mean it hurt like hell when he fell into me but soon disappeared and just left a smidgen of a sting in its place, but I was pretty sure I was okay.
“Yeah, I think I’m good.” I said taking a deep breath and shaking out my arms.
“You don’t think he hurt the baby, do you?” Jennifer whispered pulling me into a corner so nobody could overhear our conversation.
“No, no. I think its okay. I mean I’ve been told that there are a lot of protective things surrounding this baby and that it would take a lot to harm it.” I said with a small smile. I was five months along and still able to fit into my size four jeans and skimpy tank top, which covered my belly even though all I had was a tiny fraction of a pudge.
“You’re sure?” Jen asked again more urgently.
“Yeah, Jen.” I nodded and pulled my arm away from her. “I’m fine, seriously. I’m going to go roll Scotty onto his side.”
I turned and left her to find Andrew so they could have hot sex in a closet somewhere. I ground my teeth and made my way upstairs after stopping in the kitchen to pull a water bottle from the fridge. I sipped it as I entered the bedroom they’d deposited Scotty in and glared at the sight. He was passed out on the bed with his legs and arms sprawled everywhere and had some freshman girl clinging to his neck as if it needed life support.
“Get out,” I hissed with a whine as I rolled my eyes and stepped aside so she could leave. The girl gave me an evil glare as she rolled off the bed and stumbled out of the room. I closed the door with a rather hard force and plunged Scotty and myself into complete darkness.
He stirred and sat up from the noise while looking around.
“Who’s there?” he asked even though I doubt he could comprehend thing.
“It’s me, Michelle.” I replied setting my water bottle down on the dresser and crawling onto the bed beside him.
“Oh good, my baby’s here.” He murmured pulling me closer towards him.
I froze at those words. Jesus Christ, did he know? Did he suspect? Was it like some father intuition that he could sense these kinds of things? Was I going to have to confess and then beg forgiveness that I hadn’t told him sooner? Was he finally going to accept that—oh wait, scratch all of that.
He was simply calling me his baby.
Not his baby baby.
I shifted down so I was comfortable lying on the bed as Scotty wrapped his arms around my waist and lay his head on my chest. Our breathing because heavy to match each other. I started to hum a little tune as I ran my fingers through his hair.
“I love this song.” He mumbled again as he took a deep sigh and started to hum along with it.
“Hmm…me to.” I agreed shifting so my head was on the pillow as we lay there. I almost wanted to cry again from how familiar and comforting it felt. Me, Scotty, our baby. God, it was so tempting to tell him, to make it official that he knew.
“God, I love you.” He sighed with another deep breath as he moved even closer to me, if that were possible.
Oh my god, just tell him!
I was crying by then. I didn’t know if he only said he loved me because he was drunk or if he said it because he truly did mean it and could only tell me when he was drunk. I knew that having a conversation with him in that state was hopeless. He’d forget everything five minutes later.
I wiped away the tears that were falling quietly and went back to humming. It seemed to calm me down as I took a deep breath to collect my thoughts. I would have taken any situation except for this one. Anything to let me know that this wasn’t all a game and that he actually meant what he said.
Anything except this.
Everyone winds up kissing the wrong person good night
--Andy Warhol
“Morning sunshine.” Jen greeted bounding up to me with a boutique of roses, stuffed teddy bear that was holding a heart with the words ‘I Love You’ printed on it and a heart-shaped box of chocolates under her arms. Andrew was making every guy look like shit today.
“Morning,” I muttered stuffing the books from my backpack into my locker, along with the backpack, and taking out the things I would need for my first class.
Lately I’ve become rather separated form the group. I’d become more grouchy and snappy and irritated with every fucking thing around me. Especially my friends who had their happy-go-lucky relationships with their all too friendly-fucking-perfect boyfriends while I was stuck with a baby and a half wit who still can’t commit.
My mom blames it on the hormones.
“And how are we on this loverly day?” Jen continued. I slammed my locker shut and turned to her with an irritated glare. This was really the last thing I needed that morning. Happy-fucking people showing off the toys their happy-fucking boyfriends had gotten them to make us single girls feel like shit.
“We’re doing shitty on this un-fucking-loverly day, Jen. Okay? On top of all my morning sickness, which I still have, and my diabetes, which my body has so lovingly accepted because I can’t even keep my baby healthy, I have you and Shannon and Penelope, of all people, shoving flowers and chocolate and all sorts of shit into my face, none of which is actually for me, and I just can’t take it much longer! So get your shit away from me and take your fucking smile and happy attitude with you, because I don’t need it.” I hissed slowly pointing a finger towards her and making her back up a few steps.
“Wow, those hormones are killing you.” She whispered staring at me in shock and…fear? I couldn’t tell nor did I really care.
“Oh shut the fuck up Jen!” I practically screamed which caused a few passerbies’ to stop and stare. I turned towards those people and gave them my best glare.
“Scatter little minions!” I yelled towards them. They did like lightening with their books clutched to their chests and scared faces. I heard a few of them call me a bitch and talk about how antsy and irritable I’d become.
Well that’s because I’m fucking pregnant assholes!
I saw Scotty bounding towards me in the hall. I swore and rolled my eyes. “Fucking hell this is the last fucking thing I need right now.” I turned and slammed my fist into the locker before wincing and shaking it from the blow. I didn’t see how guys could do that when they were angry. It hurt like hell.
“Happy Valentines Day!” Scotty beamed handing me a single red rose. I looked at him in shock and melted. Aw, he was so sweet! How could I ever be mad at him! Oh yeah, because we were still fucking each other and I happened to be seven months pregnant with his bastard child which he still doesn’t know about.
I blinked and took the flower from him as I smiled and gave him a hug. Jen had a worried smirk on her face as she could probably sense I was going to blow up any second.
“Thanks Scotty.” I beamed even though I was fighting the urge to slap him silly. How dare he do this to my body! I can’t believe he knocked me up like this! It was pure torture.
“So are we still on for dinner tonight?” he asked raising his eyebrows excitedly. I glanced at Jen with my mouth gaping open before turning back to him.
“I didn’t know we had dinner plans tonight.” I murmured with a surprised glance. I couldn’t go either way. I had my seven month check-up appointment later tonight. Not something I could easily get out of since my mom was on the war path about getting this baby out healthy. She was apparently worried that I wasn’t showing more but the doctor assured her everything was fine, many, many times.
“Well I made them last minute.” He replied with a smile as he reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. I hated when he did that. It made me want him all the more and made me forgive him for everything. “Besides, who else would I be taking out on Valentine’s Day?”
“Sorry Scotty,” Jen interrupted as she saw how I was turning to mush. “But Michelle was just telling me about how she already has plans.”
Jen knew all of my appointments. My eyes grew wide with fear that she was going to tell him my secret. She wouldn’t do that, would she? God she was pissing me off, who did she think she was that she got to tell my semi-boyfriend that I was pregnant with his child?
Just who did she think she was?
“With who?” Scotty asked as his eyebrows narrowed towards me. Uh-oh, I knew that look of jealousy a mile away. It almost made a happy feeling in my stomach.
“Anthony,” Jen said quickly averting the attention back to her. “He goes to one of the public schools in the city, we met him at a coffee shop last weekend and him and Michelle really hit it off.”
There was no Anthony. She was covering for me. Aw, I knew I had good friends. I started to tear up at that thought but Jen gave me a quick worried glance which told me to wipe my eyes and ignore it. Jesus, my emotions were going haywire lately.
“Oh, where are you guys going?” Scotty asked stuffing his hands into his pockets and turning towards me.
I shrugged as my mouth fell open in a gap from shock and surprise. “I don’t know—he said it was a surprise.”
“Well I don’t think it’s safe that you go out with some stranger.” Scotty said turning defensive. I narrowed my eyes towards him and glared.
“Just who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do?” I snapped crossing my arms over my chest.
“I’m not telling you what you can and cannot do, I’m just saying it isn’t safe to go out with strangers as a young female.” He replied.
“That’s what dating is all about!” I said with a short laugh. “You date someone you don’t know in order to get to know them and find out if you’re compatible with each other or not.”
“So now you’re dating this guy?” Scotty turned a glare onto me and I saw Jen backing up slowly. She knew a full on fight when she saw one.
“So what if I am?” I replied “It’s not like I’m dating anyone else, you’re too stupid to step up to the plate.”
“Maybe I don’t step up to the plate because I know you’ll reject me,” he shot back as if he’d won.
“Oh please, I wouldn’t reject you if you asked and you should know that by now. You’re just scared of taking a chance to…take a chance!” wow, bad comeback on my behalf. But who cares, I’m pregnant, I have an automatic excuse!
“Oh really?” he replied shuffling on his feet and attempting to think of something more.
“Yes, really! You can’t handle being with one girl so you take that and twist it around and make it everyone else’s fault!”
“Well you take every opportunity to rub other people in my face, like now, so why would I ask you out when you do that!”
“Me? What about the hundred freshman you have drooling all over you at parties and in the hallway that you so willingly make-out with and can’t seem to tear yourself away from? You don’t think you rub those in my face?”
“Maybe I only hook up with those girls in order to get a fucking reaction from you!”
“A reaction?” I scoffed and shifted my weight as I stared at him in disbelief. “You want a reaction from me, Whitall? Well here’s your fucking reaction!” My hand shot out before I could stop myself and I slapped him across the cheek.
Pretty hard if I do say so myself. I was fuming with anger by then and outraged by my hormones going haywire and the fact that all I wanted to do was scream at him that he was the father of the baby, which I wasn’t keeping, and get a fucking reaction out of him.
“We’re done, for good.” I hissed turning and walking in the opposite direction of my classes. Fuck my classes. All of my teachers had been informed, privately, of my condition and knew that I would sometimes be missing some unexpectedly if I felt something was going wrong.
Well something was wrong but it had nothing to do with the baby. It was my heart. I could feel it breaking in two and ripping itself through my body. It hurt even worse that he didn’t come after me. He didn’t fight to keep the small relationship we did have.
He just let me walk down the hall and out of his life.
I’d had my seven month check up yesterday and I was told I could get the sex of the baby. I was torn between finding out now and finding out later, though one look from my mother told me not to find out at all.
So I didn’t.
She said if I found out the sex of the baby then I would become more emotionally attached to it which wasn’t part of the adoption plan.
According to the private adoption that my mother was leading the way in setting up, my baby would be taken as soon as it was born and given to its new family. I wouldn’t even see it. I would have no contact, now or in the future, with my child at all and it won’t even know I ever existed.
It’ll grow up with a real family, a family that can take care of it and love it and give it the things it needs.
It’ll call someone else mom for the first time and takes its first steps in somebody else’s house.
It’ll cry when someone else drops it off at preschool for the first time.
It’ll be comforted when it’s scared at night and held when it wants a hug ‘just because’.
It’ll have someone else teach it to ride a bike, throw a football, swim in a pool, read, write, do kids stuff.
It won’t be my child anymore it’ll be someone else’s and I won’t have to worry about it.
I won’t have to worry about it.
I won’t have to worry when it rides the bus for the first time.
Or when it tries’s out for whatever sports team it admires.
I won’t have to worry about explaining the birds and the bees to it going through puberty.
I won’t have to worry about teaching it to drive or letting it go out with the car once it finally has its drivers license.
I won’t have to worry that I’ve raised it wrong and that it knows not to drink and drive, or do drugs, or have pre-marital sex.
I won’t have to wave goodbye after helping it move into its first college dorm and hoping it remembers all the things I’ve taught it.
I won’t have to be a mother.
I wonder when I would find the guts to tell my friends that. They all assumed I was going to.
Keep it, that is.
Gravitation is not responaible for people falling in love
--Albert Einstein
“What do you want?” I snapped narrowing my eyes towards him. It was the middle of March and we’d just gotten off for spring break. I was eight months pregnant and closing in on my due date.
“Can we talk, privately?” he asked shooting sideways glances at my mom. I crossed my arms over my chest and turned around to head back towards my room without replying. I knew he would follow me and I knew my mom would let him. It’s not like he could do any more damage to my body.
“So talk.” I snapped facing him as he shut the door quietly behind us once we got inside my bedroom.
“Is everything okay with you?” he asked timidly placing his hands in his pockets and giving a small shrug. He looked so helpless my heart almost melted for him. Until I glanced down and realized my stomach had gained more weight which forced me to wear a sweatshirt constantly.
“Are you really here to ask me how I am or are you simply mad that we haven’t had sex in almost a month?” I snapped shifting my weight.
“Michelle,” he said with a sigh closing the distance between us and running his hands up and down my arms. The motion was so caring and gentle my anger was once against washed away. I suddenly felt tired and drained. I felt almost groggy from the sun rays enclosing us from the window. It lulled me into a stupor as the silence dragged on between us. “This has nothing to do with sex”
“Right, because you’re probably getting it from someone else.” I snorted in disgust. I attempted to pull away from him but he held me tighter as one of his hands flew up to cradle my neck, his thumb stroking my cheek. I felt a few tears prick my eyes. He couldn’t hold me so close. I couldn’t stand breathing in his calming scent and staring down his chocolate orbs. It was all too much for me. I was a goner to his touch.
“There’s no one else, Michelle.” He whispered softly. “There hasn’t been for a long time. If something’s wrong then I want to help, whatever it is—”
“You can’t help me, Scotty.” I whispered cutting him off. His eyes searched mine desperately. He wanted an answer, something to let him know what was going on and why I wouldn’t let him in. But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t put a burden on him when I was almost in the clear. Just a few more weeks and I could go back to being a regular teenager. I could go back to being the girl Scotty wanted. I just can’t be that now. I couldn’t do that to him and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want him stepping up to the plate and being the guy he shouldn’t be forced to be. That wasn’t him. That wasn’t his personality or his behavior. I don’t want to raise a child with him. I don’t even know what I want anymore.
“What do you want Scotty?” I heard myself ask though my mind was wandering. I didn’t know why I was asking him that again. It was apparent what he wanted. I just couldn’t bring myself to destroy his life, I can’t be that girl.
“Shelly, I know you, I know every little detail about you—” he said after taking a deep sigh.
“You don’t know shit about me!” I interrupted with a hiss. He looked taken aback from my sudden change in attitude but was probably getting use to my constantly shifting demeanor.
“I know you only like eating pizza when it’s fresh from the oven instead of day-old. I know your favorite colors blue; you’re scared of horses, you’ve died your hair seven times and permed it once in seventh grade which was a total disaster. I know that you can’t stand the commercials on television that promote orphans in third world countries because you cry over them. I know that you like to add ranch dressing to just about everything you eat; you like to sing to Brittney Spears and Aly & A.J. when you think no ones watching and you’re a terrible dancer yet you took ballet lessons for twelve years. You can’t get enough of gossiping and taking bets against the going-ons of your friends lives, something you haven’t done in weeks, and I know that you despise everything about me yet you can’t get enough of me and you can’t seem to let me go.” he said quickly backing me into a corner as he did so. “And I can’t seem to get you out of my mind either—”
I jumped as my back hit the wall and noticed that there were tears streaming down my face. Scotty knew me. He understood me better than my best friends. He knew what set me off and made me sympathetic and what I liked and disliked. He knew everything.
“Stop it Scotty—” I whispered chocking and coughing as I did so. I couldn’t even speak to him anymore without turning into a blubbering fool. I couldn’t stand doing this!
“Michelle, I’m not going away. I’m gonna stay here until you tell me what’s wrong. Until you tell me why you’ve been pushing me away and why you won’t just let me—” Scotty pleaded grabbing my hands and holding them together against his chest.
“Let you what?” I asked staring at him and responding in a very calm, very stern voice. “Let you what? Are you trying to blame your commitment issues on me? Are you trying to turn around the fact that you’ve been unable to tie yourself down to one girl, to me, all year long because it’s my fault?”
“Okay, okay—” he said interrupting me “I realize I’ve fucked up royally. I realize that I’ve made a terrible mistake and I’ve wasted the year that we had together, that we should have had together, but I want to make it right. We have a year and a half left before college and I want to spend every minute of it with you. I want to be the one you call on the phone and talk to for hours at night until you fall asleep. I want to be the one with my arm slung around your shoulders when walking into a party that makes everyone stare. I want to be able to kiss you in public whenever I want. I want—”
“STOP!” I yelled silencing him. I tried to pull my hands out of his grasp but he pulled them against him again. I shuddered at his touch and started to sink to the floor as my legs began to bend beneath me. My body couldn’t stand all these emotions that were flowing through me. I was exhausted and weak and I couldn’t do this anymore.
Scotty scooped me up in his arms bridal style and walked me to the bed. I didn’t put up a protest as I pulled myself against his warm body. He lay beside me and wrapped his arms around me. He stroked my hair and kissed my forehead while murmuring calming words repeatedly. I felt like crying all over again from how sympathetic and kind he was being. Then the panic started in.
After lying there for a few minutes as I calmed down I realized he shouldn’t be holding me like that. His hands were too low, on my stomach where the baby was. And then the baby kicked. I closed my eyes and cursed myself for letting that happen. I know it wasn’t my fault exactly, the baby kicking that is, but letting him that close to me was my own mistake. It shouldn’t have happened.
I felt Scotty shifting behind me. His hands fell from around my waist as I continued to stare at the wall while listening to him sitting up. He took a deep breath and sounded like he was going to say something before stopping and rearranging his words.
“Michelle—” he started softly though I could hear the hesitation in his voice mixed with the fear and worry. “Michelle—are you—are you pregnant?”
“Yes,” I muttered softly so he had to strain to hear my voice.
“How far along?”
“About eight months.”
“Is—is the baby—is it mine?” he continued. I still wasn’t looking at him but I could almost see him wringing his hands now. Wondering, waiting to hear if I was carrying his offspring. “Michelle, please, tell me if that baby’s mine.”
“Fine, I won’t tell you.” I muttered in reply.
“What?” he said shocked. I knew my answer was enough to confirm for him that I was carrying his kid. It wasn’t like I was having a shit load of sex with other guys eight months ago. I turned around to face him and sat up so I was sitting beside him, both of our backs leaning against the head board and our knees drawn up towards our chests.
“I’m not asking for anything from you Scotty.” I said folding my hands and setting them on my knees. “I’m not about to ask you to swoop in on some golden chariot to save me and our bastard child from a life of single motherhood. I don’t want you to be some knight in shining armor for me. I’m going to give up the baby once it’s born.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Don’t make me repeat it.” I whispered. I was calm now. I still had a few tears running down my face but I was silent again. It was good to get this all out in the open. I still didn’t like that he was finding out the truth now. But there was nothing I could do at this point.
“When? When did we—I mean when did you know you were pregnant?” he asked turning to face me with concern and questions written all over his face.
“Week before school is when we conceived. I found out a few months later.” I muttered wrapping my arms around myself. “I’m sorry if you’re upset that I’ve kept this news from you, but I didn’t want you to know—”
“Why?” he interrupted which shocked me. “Why didn’t you want me to know? I could have done something, I could have been here for you, I could have—”
“You could have what?” I interrupted him instead. “You could have fretted and complained for nine months? You could have worried that I would change my mind and want to keep the baby, forcing you to become a father at seventeen? I mean, what would you honestly have done if I’d told you when I first found out that I was pregnant with your so—”
I stopped myself before I said something that was truly damaging, but I already knew I’d gone too far. I’d told him the sex of the baby and now he would become attached. Just like my mother warned me when Chloe spilled the beans about the sex of the baby after my last ultra sound. She couldn’t stand the fact that I wouldn’t be keeping the baby and had to rub it in that I was having a boy. She hoped it would make me want to keep it more.
“It’s not about wanting or not wanting to keep the baby,” I’d told her as we argued a few weeks ago. “It’s about what’s best for the baby!”
“So what’s best for your child is to send him off with some strangers and pray they raise him half as good as you would?” she screamed back.
“This is my child!” I yelled. “Mine, and I can’t raise him at seventeen years of age! I’m not as strong as you Chloe! If you were my age and this was you then it would be no problem, right? You would keep the kid and struggle to raise him as a single mother, leave your dreams of college and any normal life behind and be a mom that worked two full time jobs to pay the bills and was never home to be a mother to her child. That would be you, wouldn’t it Chlo?”
“Yes, that would be me!” she retaliated. “If I fucked up like you did and turned out the way you have I would live with my mistakes! I wouldn’t press them off onto someone else and forget it ever happened. I would accept my life the way it was and love every day I spend with my child. I would be an adult!”
“Well maybe I’m not ready for that life!”
“You’re such a coward Michelle. I’m ashamed to call you my sister.”
She made me feel like shit after that conversation.
“We’re having a son?” Scotty said pulling me from my thoughts. I turned to peek at him and saw a nervous and elated smile on his face.
“No, we’re not.”
“But you’re pregnant and it’s definitely my kid—”
“Have you not been listening, Scotty?” I hissed. “I’m giving the baby up for adoption once it’s born. I won’t even see it once it comes tearing out of my vagina.”
“What? Why?” he asked perplexed. I stared at him as if he had just sprouted green horns and stared singing about the one-eyed-one-horned-flying-purple-people-eater.
“Why what?” I asked again. “Are you ready to raise a child at seventeen? Think about our son! It would be better for him to be raised in a house with a mother and a father and a stable job and people to care and love for him. Not two teenagers who have no idea what their doing and who made a stupid mistake one drunken night.”
We were silent for a few minutes. Both lost in our own thoughts and together in our own little worlds. I didn’t understand what had caused Scotty’s sudden turn of events. I didn’t get why he suddenly wanted to have a child, or at least it appeared that way, and why he was being encouraging about being a teenaged father. I didn’t get why he was so understanding and didn’t blow up when he heard the news about his bastard child.
And then it all clicked.
“Did somebody tell you I was pregnant?” I asked turning to stare at him. His face froze as he bit on his nail. I saw his eyes widen in shock as he slowly moved his hand away from his face. “Was it Jen?”
“No,” he muttered crossing his arms and looking down at them.
“Shannon?”
“No,”
“Then who?”
“Teddy spilled it on accident. Said you were going to the doctors for an ultra sound and everything came together after that. You’re mood swings and sudden need to wear sweat shirts all the time while avoiding any physical contact with me.” he shrugged and seemed to blow it off.
“Were you mad?”
“Furious.” He chuckled with a smile as if we were sharing an inside joke. “I couldn’t look at you in school for a week. I just watched from the backgrounds and I realized it was true. You were having my kid.”
“So—what? You came over here to claim responsibility and ‘do the right thing’,” I asked confused and angered that Jen had spilled to Teddy who spilled to Scotty. This conversation never would have happened if he didn’t know. He still wouldn’t know if no one had spilled the beans.
“Yes and No.” he said with a shrug. “I did and lot of thinking and I realized that we'd screwed up. We had drunk sex and didn't wear protection and this is what happened. So I'm going to take responsibility for what happened. I’m going to do whatever you want. If you want to give this baby up for adoption and you think that’ll be the best life for him, then fine. We’ll do that. But if you happen to change your mind—” he lifted his butt and legs and pulled something out of his back pocket.
I glimpsed a small black box and the breath caught in my throat. Oh god, he was doing the one thing I feared. The one thing I prayed every night wouldn’t happen because I was afraid of what I would have to say. Well, as if I hadn’t been punished enough, that time was coming a lot sooner than I expected.
“—Michelle, if you happen to change your mind, and really regardless of if you do or not, will you marry me?” he asked opening the box and pushing it towards me. He didn’t look at me but glanced at me sideways with a small smile on his face. All I could do was stare at the ring inside the box.
It was perfect. A small diamond sat in the middle with three smaller pink diamonds on either side of it. The entire thing was dipped in white-gold and was probably my size. It was the exact ring that I’d had in my head since I was seven. It was the ring that I’d repeated endlessly to Jen and Shannon on our sleepover nights where we fantasized about our perfect weddings.
It was that ring.
And I was scared shitless.
“—not until after high school of course, I mean we could get married soon if you wanted, but we’d have to live in my mansion with my parents in our own suite and I don’t know if you’d like that. But we could raise our son together. We could struggle and do all that young parent stuff and we could make it. I know we could.”
He stopped and finally turned to stare at me. I glanced up and met his eyes and my own filled with tears that trailed silently down my face. I couldn’t respond. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want my life to turn out this way.
“Scotty—” I started quietly. I had to stop and clear my throat in order to get any noise out. “Scotty, we can’t do this.” I watched the smile disappear from his face as he slowly pulled the ring box back toward him. He didn’t close it but stared at it as he listened to me continue. That’s probably what made it worse. “How long do you think it’ll last? I mean how long do you think we could do the married life with a child and not fight, not be happy, not have a picture perfect life that your parents have planned out for you since birth?”
“Marriage isn’t about a picture perfect life—”
“Yeah, I know Scotty. But we’re seventeen. We’re too young for stuff like this. We aren’t responsible enough or mature enough to handle a child and marriage and all that. I don’t want my life to be full of regrets.”
“Are you saying that you’d regret being with me? After this entire year of wanting a relationship you’re just willing to throw it all away now?”
“There’s a huge difference between wanting a relationship and wanting to get married.” I snapped. “Marriage is permanent, it’s not something that you can do when you’re young and then re-do when you’re older to somebody twice your age. It’s someone you can grow old with and sit on a porch when your eighty and still have the same fire you had when you were twenty. At least that’s what marriage means to me. I’m not willing to screw it up because I happened to be pregnant with your kid.”
“Glad to know I’m such a mistake.” Scotty snorted snapping the ring box closed.
“Scotty—”
“You know what Michelle—” he said as his voice grew stern and he suddenly became irritated and annoyed. I could tell his behavior shift because I knew Scotty just as well as he knew me. “—I came here with the best intentions. I was going to do the right thing and be the man I know you need me to be yet, apparently, can’t trust me to be. I was going to do what my father couldn’t do when my mom had my older brother at eighteen. I was going to do all that and promised myself I would stick by you, through sickness and health, till death do us part. I was willing to put in the sacrifice and live that life for you, even though we both know I have no right raising a kid. I was going to do all that for you and you can’t even bring yourself to accept our mistake.”
He stood from the bed and crossed to the door, but not before dropping the ring box on my bed as he did so. “You really are a bitch sometimes.”
He left without another word and I stared at the ring box in tears. I couldn’t believe that Scotty had really been willing to give up his whole life to accept the mistake that had been made. He hadn’t even known about our child that long and yet he was willing to take responsibility and acknowledge what had happened. Something I couldn’t bring myself to do and instead was taking the cowardly way out. Like Chloe had said I was doing.
A man snatches the first kiss
pleads for the second
demands the third
takes the fourth
accepts the fifth
and edures all the rest
--Helen Rowland
“He asked me to marry him,” I muttered without looking up.
“Well obviously, what are you going to do?”
“What am I supposed to do.”
“Dunno,” I saw her body shrug in front of me though I wasn’t focused on it. The box snapped shut again. “What does your heart tell you you should do?”
“I have no idea," I snapped in annoyance towards her. She didn’t glare back towards me like I was doing to her. Kate didn’t have the same time of response mechanisms that the rest of us normal humans had. Kate was too boxed up and in control with her emotions to let them escape.
“I think you know what you want to do.” She said softly. I growled and she rolled her eyes before continuing. “Fine, I think you know what you have to do.”
I growled again and snapped the box closed once more before opening it and removing the ring to stare at it closer.
“Yeah, I know what I’m going to do.” I said with a small smile as I slipped the ring onto my left ring finger. “and my mother is not going to like it…”
I stood with Kate and collected my books glad that my stomach had already shrunk and returned to its normal flatness, thanks to ab classes at the local gym. We left the library together and I shifted the books higher in my arms as I watched the two guys approaching. This was it, the moment I’d waited two months for. The moment I knew he had been waiting anxiously for as well.
“Hey,” Scotty said greeting me with a smile and a kiss on the cheek. I smiled and crouched down to lift the blanket from the car seat.
“And how is Tobias on this beautiful day?” I cooed softly reaching in to stroke the face of my son. My son, how weird was that to say? He was already one month old and seemed to be getting bigger by the day. Scotty had him in the morning while I finished up the last of my finals for school and he would be going home with me like usual. It was weird to me to be parted from him for so long, I’d been finishing up my school work from home in order to take care of him but had to come in to take my finals at the end of the year.
“He’s fine.” Scotty said absentmindedly. I stood up and stared at him, covering my eyes from the sun with my left hand in the process.
“What’s going on?” I asked staring at him.
“You’re wearing it.” he said pointing towards my hand. I smiled and kept it where it was so I didn’t bring attention to the fact that I’d accepted.
“Yeah, I know.” I said casually with a shrug as he returned the bright smile on my face.
“Another year then,” he said with a matching shrug.
“Works for me.” I smiled and walked closer to him to wrap my arms around his shoulders to pull him closer to me.
“Are you happy?” he asked wrapping his hands around my waist and pressing him forehead against mine.
“Couldn’t be happier.” I said leaning in to give him a quick kiss on the lips. Nine months of hell, twenty-six hours of labor, a beautiful son and a seventeen-year-old fiancée is not a bad way to end my junior year of high school.
I also, originally didn't have Michelle and Scotty ending up together, nor did I ever have Scotty finding out about the baby, nor did I have Michelle keeping the baby. But I decided to do a fairy tale ending of her story. She needs something in her messed up world. I may still go back and do an alternitive ending to this where things end up the way I oringionally planned them, but only if people want to hear the unhappy ending. I know some people do, just because their a bit more realistic and not alot of people write about the dirty grity stuff of it all.
But this ending is pretty realistic cause I had a friend who popped out a baby our senior year and is now marrying the father. Eh, stuff happens. This is also for my friend who is currently pregnant and going to marry the father a year after the baby's born.
Yeah for unprotected pre-marital sex!
I'm totally kidding by the way. I don't promote that in any way.
Heh
k