--Lesson 17--

In the morning, he sat at the table and ate whatever was placed before him to not betray the horrible feeling in his gut. Then he and Kotaru changed and met back at the kitchen. Riri was wiping down the table, Takuya was reading the front page of the paper, Anjuu was reading the entertainment section, and Kentarou was doing the dishes. Kotaru stood before them all and cleared his throat. Monaru patted a hand on his shoulder.

“I… I wanted to talk to you all about something important,” he began. Kentarou shut off the water valves and dried his hands. Takuya and Anjuu put down the paper and Riri stopped to sit. Kotaru bit on his lower lip as he found his voice.

“I don’t really know how to start… About six months ago, I met someone absolutely incredible. I was afraid to tell that person that I really liked them.” His family all nodded in understanding as he looked at the floor. “But I didn’t have to. That person told me about two weeks ago, ‘I love you’ and I was so happy.” His family all exchanged surprised and happy looks. Until they saw his face, which was neutral, except for the glint of growing tears in his eyes. “I was so happy, I almost cried.” Their faces resumed happiness. “I wanted to wait until Kentarou and Anjuu’s wedding was over to tell you,” he raised his head and met their gazes tentatively, “I—I love Monaru.”

Their happiness changed to confusion, then to uncertain comprehension. Riri tried to clarify.

“You mean… Monaru-san was the one who… told you he loved you?” Two nods as Monaru confirmed with him. “And Monaru-san…?” she didn’t really know what she was asking.

Kotaru looked to him, his face worried that somehow, Monaru would deny it all. And break his heart. He clasped his hands together to feel the silver ring there.

“This is the truth. I’m not trying to play with your son’s feelings in any way. I really, and truly love him with all my heart, all my soul; with everything that I am.” And his eyes shone with his integrity. He added softer, “I would do anything for him. I want him to be happy.”

There followed an almost deafening silence. Kotaru’s breath had ceased in suspension. Monaru wore a hard stare ahead.

“But…” came Takuya’s incredulous voice, “It… It’s wrong.”

Kotaru knew he was going to cry. He worse fear was coming true before his desperate eyes. “But…” he tried.

His father would hear nothing of it. “A man is supposed… to be with a woman!” He looked to his wife for help. She bit her bottom lip in uncertainty and shifted uncomfortably.

Monaru looked away from them and away from Kotaru. This was it. His stomach churned. He swallowed hard and said softly, “I don’t want to… come between family.” He was sure Kotaru’s eyes would be widening. “I understand where you stand now. I’ll collect my things and leave. Goodbye.”

And he turned and walked from the kitchen.

Kotaru’s eyes widen as he stared straight ahead, tears spilling over and running down his cheeks. His heart stung and restricted his breathing. Surely Monaru didn’t mean that? He turned and watched Monaru leave. Slowly, he dropped his gaze and the tears distorted his vision. He felt broken. He slowly lowered himself to the floor and drew his knees against him, burying his head against them. A strangled sob escaped from his lips and his body began to shake in sorrow.

Everyone was in shock. His mother covered her mouth and a look of pity over came her. She got out of her chair to go to him, to offer him comfort. But he didn’t want her comfort, pushing her away and crying harder. She looked at her husband with a mix of accusation and desperation. He lowered his head and sighed. Gritting his teeth he stood in anger.

He walked over to Kotaru and said through his teeth, “Kotaru! You are a man! You aren’t supposed to be weeping over another guy. You are supposed to be strong and stand tall. Now, get up!”

But Kotaru only shook his head and bawled on. His father ground his teeth and yelled, “ENOUGH OF THIS! YOU’RE A BOY!”

Kotaru raised his tear stained face with a look of anger. Even Riri regarded him indignantly. His father stood aback with surprise. He nodded, turned and walked out of the kitchen.

--

Monaru had run up the stairs to the guest room. Even though the room furnishings weren’t complete, they had put their belongings there. He was already crying, his tears tumbling down his cheeks as he forced himself to grit his heart’s pain soundlessly. When the tears wouldn’t stop, he moaned and balled himself up, his head on the ground. He shook his head angrily.

“How could I have been so stupid…” His voice sounded whiny to his ears and he felt disgusted with himself.

It didn’t take long for him regain control of himself and he sighed in self-control. Gathering himself up and wiping his nose, he reached for his bag. The light from a window caught the metal surface of silver and gold. He stopped and brought his hand to his chest. He turned towards the dresser and sighed.

“I’m so sorry, Kotaru, so sorry. But family… Family is more precious than… than me. I couldn’t live with myself if they resented you. I couldn’t tear you from them for me.”

He slipped off the ring and laid it on the dresser. Feeling more than a little said at the emptiness of its presence, he picked up his bag, dried his cheeks on his sleeve and took a deep breath.

When he turned around, however, a forlorn Takuya in the doorway greeted him.

“Hi—Higashii-dono…” he breathed. Regaining some composure, he said, “I’ll be leaving now. I’ve already made arrangements to leave the school. I—” he almost choked on his next words, “I’ll never see him again.”

“Do you think that will help?” Takuya asked softly.

Monaru quietly contemplated the question. Takuya clarified.

“Do you think… that it will help my son forget you?”

Monaru thought back to all the things they had done: the dates, the honeymoon, the kisses. They had made love. No, Monaru highly doubted Kotaru could forget him as much as he could forget Kotaru. But he said, “I hope it does.”

“Is that true?” Takuya asked sternly. He didn’t mean the statement itself, but rather, whether Monaru really hoped it did. And it crushed his heart further.

Monaru grunted softly. He didn’t want to cry again. He replied shakily, “The truth isn’t what you want.”

Takuya raised his eyebrows slightly.

“The truth is…” Monaru continued, “I love him. I want to be with him forever, until we grow old and die. I don’t want him to forget me or move on. I want him to smile everyday and smile softly only for me. I want him to be happy and I want to be the one to make him happy. But I couldn’t live with myself if I broke up his family. So I’ll let him go. I love him, so I’ll let him go.”

“What makes you think that both of you will move on. My son’s crying his heart out down stairs because of you!”

“What makes you think about that now?”

It was a blow to Takuya’s ego and it rippled a wave of regret. He spoke softly.

“I realize,” he said, “that it’s wrong. It’s wrong. But… his mother can’t even… And it’s like when he was in grade school—no friends—and he wouldn’t eat or talk. The thought… the thought of it…” Takuya looked up at him. “I love my son. For his sake… for his sake, I can accept it…”

“It didn’t seem that way down there.”

And with that, Monaru walked past Takuya. As he descended the stairs, he could hear Kotaru’s painful and sorrow-fill cries. A sting struck his nose and his eyes teared up. He wouldn’t have given everything to run into that room and hug him and kiss him and tell him it was a bad dream. Instead, his heart stopped as he walked pass the kitchen to the door.

“Monaru!” Kotaru’s tear-filled voice yelled out to him.

He stopped at the door; hand on the knob. He didn’t say anything, just waited for a response.

“Motchan…” he heard faintly, “Don’t leave me!”

“Don’t leave me!” his younger voice called out as he clutched the sleeve of his mother on her hospital bed; the flat line white noise in the background.

“Don’t leave me…” Kotaru’s voice moaned in agony.

He grasped the knob firmly and said, “I’m sorry…”