For Lauren, with whom I have entertained many ideas about our gay classmates. And for my friends who were there when we encountered situations with guys, little children, silent lunch and bananas. Love you all.

So read. (P.S. I know the summary makes no sense. Ignore it.)

Summary: Anthony is hopelessly in love with someone who is completely oblivious to his adoration. So he figures that it he can't have the one he wants, he'll have the one who wants him. But add a hyperactive blonde, a scheming girlfriend and a bit of jealousy to the mix, and Anthony may get more than he bargained for.

When I'm home alone I just dance by myself
And you pull my head so close, volume goes with the truth
Signing off, I'm alright in bed but I'm better with a pen
The kid was alright but it went to his head
-- Fall Out Boy

"How many is that?"

I looked up and sighed, meeting the painfully green eyes of the blonde standing in front of me. "Six," I replied despondently, letting my head drop back onto my desk.

What my problem was, exactly, was six feet something of solidly built eighteen-year-old Kaylan, my best friend since sixth grade. He was gorgeous, athletic, witty and above all straight. He was popular, had a new girlfriend every three days, and could probably assault a teacher and get away with it. Everyone loved him, and he knew it. And this guy, who could pick anyone in the world as his sidekick, had chosen me. Why he had singled me out, I had no idea. Even in sixth grade I hadn't been anything to look at, really; short and skinny, blue-eyed and brown-haired. At the time I had braces, too, and so did he.

That may be why I ended up having a crush on him halfway into the school year: because he was the only person to ever pay me any attention. Every day I would watch him walk into homeroom, stalked by a fraction of the female school body, and he would sit next to me and start talking like I didn't think he was the most gorgeous thing to strut the face of this earth. Over the course of six years, he and I had grown close, and now my crush had exploded into hopeless, unrequited love.

"Are you okay?" I jerked my head up again and met those stunning green eyes. Kaylan was way too close; I could feel my face heating up as I turned away.

"Yeah," I replied, rubbing the back of my neck. I should really learn to control my reactions to things. "Yeah, I'm fine."

The seat beside me squeaked and I twitched in response. Dammit, there I go again. "You don't look fine, Tony. You look like shit." Enter the Queen of the Obvious, I thought, rolling my eyes at the newcomer.

Femi simply grinned at me in the maniacal way she had, leaning back in her chair. Femi was my other best friend and also my first, since I'd known her since preschool. If I wasn't as gay as a maypole I would be in love with her instead of Kaylan; she was slender, athletic, tan and orange-eyed with dark, curly hair that fell to her waist when it was straight. She had a great smile and she'd never had braces. Above all she was tall--basically, everything I wanted to be, minus the girly parts.

"Thanks, Fem," I said, cracking a smile for her sake. She frowned, her gaze flicking from me to Kaylan as she cocked an eyebrow. I could understand; was I okay with him? I rolled my eyes again and nodded, shrugging helplessly.

"Children!" I looked away from Femi and toward the front of the classroom. Our homeroom teacher, a fifty-something woman with serious anger issues and a superiority complex, bristled at us indignantly. "Today we shall be receiving a new student, and I should appreciate it if you'd welcome him kindly. Is this understood?"

A soft chorus of "Whatever" greeted her speech, something that irritated her more than having to teach us at all. I figured that it was probably a girl, shy and quiet, and turned my attention to my desk instead.

"Come in!" The command was uttered disdainfully, so I was surprised at the speed with which I heard the door open, practically punhcing a hole in the wall with its force. This development wasn't enough to make me pay attention, however.

"Not another blonde," Femi said, rolling her eyes. I gave her a look that didn't really mean anything, and she pointed at the new kid. I followed her finger and saw that she was right.

He had to be at least six feet tall, turquoise eyes gleaming from under a fringe of white-blonde hair and a bright smile on his lips. "Hey," was the first word from his mouth, and I could see girls swooning already. I could hardly blame them; his voice was husky, not as deep as Kaylan's, but with a certain unnameable edge to it that made you want to faint. "Devin Lancaster, at your service." A bow was executed flawlessly, and the girls who hadn't actually fainted yet were squealing. Femi looked at me and groaned, letting her head drop to her desk with a surprisingly loud thump. Her hand was left in the air in what had to be an awkward position.

"Who would like to show Devin around today, class?" Mrs. Whatever-Her-Name-Was demanded. Instantly there were hands waving around in the air, hands that she ignored in favor of picking out the one person who actually didn't want to do the job. "Femi!"

"Holy--what?" Femi's head snapped up, her eyes wide. "What did I do?"

A menacing smirk painted What's-her-Face's lips. "You're going to show Devin around today! He has the same schedule that you do, so make sure he knows where he's going."

"Are you serious?" her tone was plainitive. "I don't even know where I'm going myself half the time! How am I supposed to make sure he knows where I'm going?"

"That's final." What was her name--Mrs. Firth, that was it, I think--snapped her fingers, pointing in Femi's general direction. "Devin, take the seat beside Femi, please."

"Okay." Devin flashed a grin at Femi, one that she couldn't help but return, and flounced over to the appointed seat. Jacob, Femi's partner-in-crime and kind-of boyfriend, pulled her backwards in her chair to whisper something. She shrugged, holding up her hands in a gesture of surrender, and turned to face him as class started.

Two seats over, I noticed Devin throwing an already-infamous grin at me, and decided that today might not be the best day ever.

--

Part Two: Volleyball
--

After the last bell of the day I met Jacob and Kaylan outside the gym. Today Femi had volleyball practice, and with us being her so appropriately deemed 'mantourage', we had to watch. For the most part we didn't mind; I like to wish I was as tall as half the girls on the team, Kaylan liked to watch the girls screw up, and Jacob liked to watch Femi play. Altogether we were actually pretty supportive, if only for an hour.

Inside the gym it was loud already, the girls warming up for practice. I picked Femi out of the other ten girls easily, partnered with the dimunitive setter Lexi and the lanky outside hitter Karla. Femi was telling them something as they played back and forth, something that made Lexi laugh and Karla give her an incredulous. Femi herself laughed, stepping backwards to retrieve a ball that had been sent over her head, and went back into the game.

Apparently she didn't get to finish her story as the coach entered then, signalling the girls to line up for hitting drills. Femi, of course, was first as always.

"You know, I don't get how she does that," I commented, watching Femi go through a now-familiar routine. She would go up to block, transition off and come back in to hit, repeating the process twice over.

Jacob snorted. "Practice," he said by way of explanation. "You should see her at home; her friends come over every day they don't have volleyball practice and they're outside playing for hours."

"She's good, though," I observed, watching her jog to the back of the line and give the libero, Kacy, a high five. "Like, really good."

"Femi?" Kaylan asked, raising an eyebrow. "Do you remember at that tournament when I said something about Jake and she went totally psycho?"

I laughed, recalling the memory. It had been a busy day and Kaylan had been tired and cranky, and he'd said something to Jacob that he should've known was off limits. Femi had overheard him and promptly pegged him with a ball that had to be going thirty miles an hour and he'd been knocked unconscious. "You shouldn't have said that, though."

Jacob shrugged. I knew he could remember that day too, and it was something he wished he could forget. There were a lot of things about Jacob that only Femi could talk to him about, things that he wished he hadn't done, things that people looked down on him for.

"He didn't mean it," Jacob said quietly, frowning. I could hardly hear him over the pounding of feet against the laminated hardwood and the shouts of players on the court. Another memory came to me, one that I wished I'd never seen, and I blocked it out as best I could.

"Yeah." I said, just as softly, and we passed the rest of practice in silence.

--

Part Three: Not Exactly Home Alone

--

I was the first one to reach the door of our apartment and subsequently the one to unlock it. Jacob and Kaylan came in after me, heading into the kitchen to sit at the bar. My place was in the kitchen, seeing as it was my turn to make dinner tonight.

"So what did you think of the new kid?" I asked conversationally, browsing the fridge for food. I decided that pizza would be good enough tonight. I didn't have the energy to make anything else.

"He was hot, I guess," Jacob said casually, drawing patterns on the counter with a pencil. Kaylan laughed.

"He was kind of weird," he added. I frowned.

"I thought he was nice," I said, preheating the oven automatically.

"You think everyone's nice," Jacob put in, the pencil skating all the way to Kaylan's arm before returning. Lead marked the gray countertop like it always did, Jacob ever the artist. "That's just you."

"Well, I--" I began halfheartedly; I was stopped by the doorbell, ringing persistently. I sighed and went to open it.

Femi stood at my doorstep, three different bags slung over her left arm. Sitting on her hip, supported by her right arm, was her smallish white dog, squirming about excitedly. Briefly I wondered how she had managed to ring the doorbell.

"Femi?" I asked questioningly. She sighed and shoved the bags at me, sliding past me to go inside and set her dog down. Immediately it started yipping exuberantly, dancing around at my feet. I closed the door and came back into the kitchen, where Femi had taken the nearest available seat.

"What's up?" Kaylan asked, nudging her in the ribs. She sighed.

"Neighbors," she said, leaning down to pet her dog as it sat by her feet. I gave the animal a friendly pat and went to set her bags down in the living room. "Them and their...fuckin' son of a bitch." That wasn't a good sign; Femi cursed casually as it was, and she got quite creative when she was angry.

"What happened?" Jacob asked, picking the dog up from the floor. It knew him well, and sat still as he scratched its ears.

"He fucking kicked Byakko," she replied, snarling, and I was lost for a moment. Then the lights came on upstairs, and I nodded: Byakko was her dog. That explained it. "He fucking kicked her, that dirty fucking bastard."

"Is she alright?" Kaylan asked. His arm was slung over her shoulder now to comfort her. Femi nodded.

"Byakko's fine," she said bluntly. "I'm here because I broke the guy's arm." When I gave her an incredulous look, she shrugged.

"Why'd he kick her?" was Jacob's question as he gave Byakko a pitying look. She licked his chin. "What did she do?"

"Nothing!" Femi's temper flared and she stood up, kicking the chair away. Kaylan looked startled at her sudden outburst. "I was walking her and he comes by, the cocky bitch, and starts hitting on me! So naturally she didn't like and she growled at him, and he kicked her! just like that! And then he has the nerve to talk to me like nothing happened!" her voice was getting increasingly loud, a sure sign of an infamous 'Femi Fit'. "And I tackled him and I punched him a couple of times, and he called me a bitch so I broke his arm and I'm gonna fucking kill him!" Now she was screaming out loud and Byakko was whining and Kaylan was getting up to calm Femi down.

"Femi! Settle down, Fem. You broke his arm. You're even now, okay? Byakko's fine." Kaylan said reassuringly, looking her in the eye. Femi inhaled and let out a deep sigh, and as if she'd just blown out all her anger she grinned.

"C'mere, Byakko," she said, crouching on the floor. Jacob set the dog down obediently and she scampered over to Femi, her whole body quivering as her tail wagged. Femi sat down, holding her dog in her arms. "So I came here, because I didn't feel like living anywhere near him."

"Aren't your parents, you know..." I gestured to myself and Kaylan and Jacob. "Worried?"

Femi laughed. "They're fine with it. You wouldn't do anything, Tony, and they know that. And I can take care of myself, anyway. It's not like I'm going to die over here, unless you guys all have mono or something."

"I don't think I do," Jacob said thoughtfully, tapping his chin as if he was really considering it. I rolled my eyes at him.

"Well, whatever. I'm gonna..." Femi left off, yawning. "I'm tired. Uhm, if I'm not in bed in the morning you have to look for me, okay?"

"What for?" I asked, watching her hop up the steps. She grinned at me.

"You'll see," she answered. "Jay, I'm staying in your room tonight. You sleep on the couch."

"Yes, love," Jacob replied mildly, righting the chair she'd knocked over.

Kaylan laughed. "You're so whipped, Jake," he teased, prodding Jacob in the shoulder as he sat down. Jacob rocked sideways with the gentle push.

"But she's worth it," he replied pleasantly.

"Right." The oven began screeching at me and I grabbed the oven mitts from the counter, not bothering to put them on properly, and seized the pizza from the burning metal box. "What did she mean, 'look for me'?"

"Oh, that. She falls asleep in really weird places. Or she sleepwalks into really weird places and wakes up there," Jacob explained.

"Well, I guess we should be glad tomorrow's Saturday," Kaylan said.

"Tomorrow's Saturday?"

---

Yes. I had no idea how to get myself to stop, so I stopped there.

A few notes: I do indeed have a dog named Byakko. She's an American Eskimo, I believe. And yes, Jacob and Kaylan and Devin and Anthony are based on four of my guy friends. And yes, all of them except Anthony are blonde.

For those of you who actually read this far, I commend you. This was a piece-o-shit story, really. But I will post a second chapter soon.

(To brave souls who are thinking about reviewing: constructive criticism is appreciated. But reviews like 'this sucks, and so do you' are not welcomed although they are true.)