Stupid Prophesies And The People Who Enforce Them, a Fantasy fanfic

Epilogue

Gary laid down upon a sea of pillows. He smiled as he gazed around him and saw that were barrels everywhere. But these were not any ordinary barrels. Unlike the regular inanimate barrel these ones possessed arms and legs, which they were using to fan Gary with ostrich feathers and feed him seedless grapes. The barrels also had operational female reproductive organs, which they used for an entirely different purpose.

“Hey Chosen One,” said Samuel, poking his head inside the room.

“Hey Dark Lord. Things coming along swimmingly are they?” replied Gary as he opened his mouth to receive another grape.

“Yes, the slaves will have our statues finished in no time,” said Samuel. “Five hundred and eighty feet tall; just as we planned.”

“Brilliant, just make sure they don’t make my nose to big. Last time they made my nose to big and we had to knock it down and start again.”

“Alright. You sure you don’t want to come out here and whip a few slaves? I’ve got them all dressed up as postmen.”

“Nah, I’m right mate, thanks for the offer,” said Gary as Samuel removed his head from the room. “You make them sparkle, okay Alan?” said Gary as he looked down at his awesome shoes.

“Yes, master,” mumbled Alan as he and Prince Steve wiped over Gary’s shoes with cloths and shoe polish.

Gary put his hands around the back of his head and sighed contentedly. “Life is good, isn’t it Steve?”

“Mmm,” mumbled Prince Steve with a scowl.

“Of course it is,” smiled Gary.

Eighty-Three Years Earlier

Doug couldn’t believe his luck. Not only had The Dark Lord of Tyranny been defeated but he had also been invited to the castle to celebrate with all the nobles. That night, he had managed to successfully pick up two rich chicks whilst drinking himself under the table. And all of this was for free!

“Pardon me for a second,” he slurred to a beautiful maiden as he stood up from the table the two of them were chatting at. “I need to drain the main vein.”

“What?” replied the beautiful maiden.

“I’ve got to take a piss,” clarified Doug as he stumbled away from the table. Ten minutes of walking followed as he staggered about the huge castle in an attempt to locate the lavatory. In his intoxicated state he somehow found himself in the lower, damp tunnels of the castle.

“Oh screw it,” he said as he ended up relieving himself on a wall. He blundered around for a while as he tried to find the flush chain until realising that there was none. He laughed at himself like the drunken moron he was and thanked the gods that there was no one was around to see his indecency.

Noticing that he was all alone, a cunning, dangerous and humorous plan suddenly leapt inside of his head. Taking a crayon out of his pocket he walked over to another wall and tried to write on it ‘Doug is great. Anyone who says otherwise is a knob. Oh, and I have one important thing left to say. Gerbil. That is all’. However, as he leant back to inspect his work, he frowned as he noticed that what he had scribbled looked nothing like what he had wanted to write. The only thing he had gotten right was the gerbil, and that wasn’t even in writing.

He moved forward to fix up his mistake but instead tripped over and fell into a drunken sleep on the floor.

The next morning, a priest of Maroleta descended into the lower levels of the castle to spend some time alone to quietly thank the gods for defeat of The Dark Lord of Tyranny. He immediately saw Doug laying on the ground and the scribble on the wall. Approaching cautiously, he bent down beside Doug.

“Excuse me, sir?” asked the priest as he tapped Doug on the shoulder. “Sir?”

“Urgh…” moaned Doug in his sleep. “No…killer bees…get them away from me.”

“What?”

“Oh no…it’s The Dark Lord of Tyranny…don’t let him near my corn. Stay away from my corn!”

“Oh my goodness, this man must be possessed by the gods!” shouted the priest in shock and amazement. “What is it you’re saying about The Dark Lord of Tyranny?”

“Help me Chosen One!” shouted Doug in his sleep. Suddenly he sat upright, wide awake, startling the priest.

“My-my son, are you alright?” asked the priest.

“No, my head hurts. Don’t speak so loud,” replied Doug, rubbing his temples. “Oh that was a terrible nightmare. The Dark Lord of Tyranny tried to eat my corn! My cron I tell you!”

“You were being possessed by the gods!” exclaimed the priest. “Now tell me, did you write this cryptic message sprawled upon the wall?”

“Um,” hesitated Doug, not wanting to get in trouble for vandalising castle property. “No. No I did not.”

“Then it must have been written by the hands of the gods, much in the same way they just touched you! It is a prophecy!” shouted the priest as he jumped to his feet.

“Do you mind not yelling?” moaned Doug as his head throbbed terribly.

“I must tell the king immediately!” said the priest as he sprinted back down the tunnel and out of sight.

Doug blinked a few times as he tired to figure out what just happened. “A prophecy?" he said as he looked up at the scribbles he had written in orange crayon before he had passed out. The sound of approaching footsteps caused him to look back down the tunnel where he saw the priest leading the king and a crowd of excited people towards him.

“This is it, sire,” said the priest. “This is the Prophecy!”

The crowd began to speak excitedly as Doug’s eyes widened.

“Oh dear,” he said to himself. “This could escalate quickly.”

The End

So there we have it, 'Stupid Prophesies And The People Who Enforce Them' in its complete form.

It was rather silly, wasn't it? If any of you have actually made it to this point then you seriously need to question your sanity. I thank you for reading, of course, but you must be insane.

Also, I have to thank a few people (In no particular order), namely Genesis F.T, Dellarose, Shaidar Haran, Dodge, Luny Loona, Captain Kickass, Lise Alexandria, Lysarose, Fractured Illusion, Soul Cry, Arai-Genjitsu, Silver Feline, Akida Musafir, Shad Croly, Koinophobia, Zafar, Pink Tree and AiAi The All Powerful for reviewing and/or adding this story to you alert list and/or favourites list. I do hope you have enjoyed it in all it's absurdity.

Well that's it. Usually I like people to take some sort of moral out of my stories but this one seems a bit tricky. All the good people ended up suffering in the end and 'evil' won the day. I guess if we could learn anything from this it's that you shouldn't rely too heavily on rumours or speculations; in this case the rumour was a prophecy. Before you act on anything someone says, wipe away the orange crayon to check whether there's nothing but a blank wall behind it.

Now I'm going to take a break for a while. I've got the H.S.C coming up which is the most important series of tests I will take in my schooling career. After these tests, thirteen horrific years of school will be at an end. They'll probably be followed up by four years at university, but that's beside the point. Alright, I'm done talking. You are free now.