Revised: June 06, 2008

Say What You Mean

She’s hurt me a lot. I’ll give her that. All the stupid rumors, the false accuses, they hit a little too close to the heart. She planted the stupid doubt seed in my head. For a little while, though, I thought she was the coolest thing ever.

If you’ve ever had a best friend that you’ve adored and wanted to be just like, you probably already know how I feel. Like when you’re standing next to him or her you just can’t seem to measure up, no matter how hard you try. Or maybe that’s the exact opposite. Maybe when you stand next to him or her, you’ve made such an exact copy of them on yourself that you feel just like they do.

Well that’s exactly what I did. She said I needed makeup to make me pretty. I wore makeup, even though I was strictly against it before. She told me I needed to sneak into mixers so I could meet all the popular guys in the grade above us. So I snuck into those stupid dances with her. But the more I got into trouble and the more I was hated when I was acting like her made me wonder if being just like her was a good thing.

I didn’t talk to you a lot over that summer. We were both on vacations and stuff, having fun with our lives outside of school. The usual. Basking in the sunlight, taking it all in so we didn’t have to even think about school anymore.

If I must say so myself I changed over that summer. I guess I gave myself that boost of confidence that I needed. I made friends at my church, and used my hair straightener less. I was even excited to come back to school, to show all the old girls that I’ve changed, and I wasn’t the little lonesome girl that stood in someone else’s shadow because she was too scared to see her own.

Seemed you changed that summer too. The mini uniform skirt? Nice touch I guess. Not really my style though. Your new dyed hair? It’s pretty I guess. I liked your natural hair color better. Your new attitude? Something I couldn’t handle.

But maybe I could have learned to handle it. I could’ve learned how to be friends with you. If you would have given me the chance, at least. Ignoring your best friend from last year, was that something you had to cross off your todo list?

Sooner rather than later I did get the hint. You didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I hadn’t risen up to the popular standards and you had, you didn’t mind stepping on the ones that had held you up at your lowest point. I tried to convince myself once they were done with you you’d be crawling back to me and our old crew. Too bad that day never came, right?

I was more surprised than anything, though. You would talk to me out of the blue about something like we were old pals again but then you would ignore me around other people. Ashamed of me much? I didn’t know what to think of you. If you told me you liked something, I’d always hear you telling someone else you hated it.

I made my own reputation without you, though. Sure, people did see how much confidence I had gained in myself, and I’m so happy that people have seen that change in me. I only wish you could’ve been there with me.

I’m still trying to debate whether I miss you or not. Whether if I had a second chance with being friends with you, would I take it? Probably so. I would, and quite possibly get my heart crushed again. I would’ve made my stupid mistake all over again, to give you one more chance.

I still don’t know if you ever got my CD I made for you. I dropped it in your locker when you were at lunch. Maybe you got it and you didn’t even listen to it. Maybe you listened to it but didn’t know what to make of it. But at least you knew it was from me. Just the one song though. There was only one song, and you probably didn’t take the time out of your popular life to listen to it. Just one song. One song that held my question that you tossed aside.

Say anything

But say what you mean

When you whisper, you want this

Your eyes tell the same

We are gaining speed

I can barely breathe

”Suspension” by Mae

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Hmm, true story, but I changed it up a bit just in case she happens to read it. Sorry things couldn't turn out for the best...

Review, please - Brittany