Chapter Eight

Forgetting Pain

A/N: Sorry it took so long for this chapter…been SUPER busy lately, but anyways, this chapter is REALLY boring, and I had a hard time wanting to get it done. Anywho, tell me how you like it next chapter will be juicier I promise.

A week past from when Riley died. Today was the funeral. I wore a long black dress. I sat in the funeral home, staring out the window across the street. “Andy” I heard a voice say behind me. “Are you coming out to see your sister?” It was mother. I could tell at the sound of her voice. I thought for a moment. So much pain swelled my heart. I wasn’t sure if could bare the pain of seeing Riley again. I closed my eyes, holding back the tears. “Yea…” I slowly said. My heart ached at the thought of her.

It was quiet as I left the house. People stared at me as I came out, constantly whispering talking about how it was my fault Riley died. Joey stood in my path, his hand extended out towards me. I hesitantly looked at his palm; I didn’t want to look at anything else. Let alone my dead sister. I took a deep breath and fought the tears that fought there way through my eyes. Joey pulled me into his arms, grasping me within his body. My tears swelled back once again, I wouldn’t cry…I wouldn’t allow myself to cry.

I felt his warm lips on the top of my head, I felt safe again, and I didn’t feel so ashamed of myself then. Joey looked down at me; I could see the tears swelling in his eyes as well. “You ready?”

I stared at him, my eyes glued to his. I wasn’t ready, but I had too say good bye before I left. I just had to. “Yea…” Slowly we walked towards the round tome stone that stood above the ground. My heart grew heavy as I approached. The pain of that night flooded back and I stopped. Joey looked back at me. I stared blankly at the stone, I read the words, and I read the name. I took another deep breath and continued forward.

I stared down at the stone, Joey soon drew back knowing my wishes. I knelt down, touching the cold stone with my hand. I felt the life run through me again, and I could feel Riley’s warm touch. A small smile lingered on my face, I fell to my knees as my head fell gently onto the stones top, it felt so cold, yet so full of life as I ran my hand, gliding it up and down gathering this feeling within my memory.

“Riley….” My voice soft, hardly audible. It didn’t need to be, not for Riley’s sake at least. I breathed in, taking in the pain once more. “I’m sorry…it shouldn’t have ended that way…I wish it would have been me instead” The tears came fighting back, a lonely tear lingered down my face. I quickly wiped it away; I wanted to be strong, at least for mother’s sake. “I love you Riley….”

I sat behind the house for a long time. My body seemed so lifeless. I stared down at the dirt, my hands shaking as I dug my nails into the ground, occupying myself from the hurt I felt. I felt so frail, so lost, so incomplete. I lifted my eyes from the ground, my hand stopped moving.. Clouds thundered over head, as a struck of lightning wailed the sky. I ignored it. My pain so powerful it didn’t matter. Rain began pouring down, my body quickly drenched in the water. I stared up at the sky; my eyes fluttered trying to escape the painful drops of water splashing into my eyes. The hurt was so strong, I could feel it. I suddenly screamed aloud, tears suddenly burst from my eyes, so much pain I felt. My hands shook violently and I began pounding on the ground, I stood up, throwing my body everywhere, I screamed up at the sky. “Why did you leave me?!” I screamed my mind so lost. “You stupid….stupid…Oh god’ I fell to my knees, pounding on the ground, screaming out. “Riley come back! I need you Riley”

I suddenly felt somebody’s arms wrap around me. I sobbed, throwing my arms madly around. Joey placed his hand on my head, drawing me in closer. I cried harder, my fist banged against his chest. “Why did she leave Joey…?” My voice faint as the tears took control.

Joey carried me into the house, our bodies drenched. My mother had gone home that week; Adam was nowhere to be found. Gently he set me down onto my bed, running his wet hand through my drenched hair. The tears came rushing down my cheeks; Joey changed me into dry clothes, himself too. I set himself besides me, wiping away all my tears. I rolled to my side, clutching his shoulder. He ran his hand up and down my side, shushing me as the tears came rolling down my face. “We’ll get through this” he whispered in my ear, for some reason I trusted him, I felt his promise and I wouldn’t let go of it.

My mind felt clear the next morning. I walked around aimlessly, my mind nowhere to be found. I stared at Joey’s room. It was empty; he was obviously out in the barn. I turned on the radio. Creed blared through the speakers; I sat down staring at the music playing box. Trying to recognize the song.

There’s a peace inside us all

Let it be your friend

It will help you carry on

In the end….There’s a peace inside us all

My heart sank hearing the words. I sang along for a few moments before the door opened. I didn’t look, my eyes swelled with tears. I heard the gentle foot steps approach. Joey’s face was soon in vision. He watched the tears swell up in my eyes. He ran his hand through my hair, kissing it while he sat next to me.

“You going to see your horses anytime soon?”

I shrugged mindlessly. My eyes still resting on the radio. I slowly leaned back onto Joey, my mind lost in hurt. He took me in pleasurably, placing his hands across my belly. I took his hand, his hand so warm. It felt good.

I flipped over, facing Joey. I buried my face in his chest, allowing myself to think. Suddenly the Olympics ran through my mind. I looked up at Joey. “When do the Olympics start?”

Joey gave a shrug and began to think.

“I think sometime in December”

I thought out the months in my head. It was October now, only a week till November. “I only have about a month to practice…” I said slowly. I thought about Riley. She wanted to go more than I did. I gave a sigh and rested my head once again on Joey’s chest. He stoked the back of my neck, making me shiver. “Maybe I shouldn’t go anyways” I said getting up and walking towards the winter. The trees gleamed colorfully as the midst of fall came.

Joey got up and followed.

“Why?” I asked a confused look on his face.

I shrugged. “I don’t know…it wouldn’t be right”

Joey chuckled and took my hands within his. “Things happen for a reason Andy; maybe this could be your chance to do something with your life...”

Joey looked hesitant, and looked at the ground. “Don’t miss out on something like this” I looked at him, his eyes full of regret. I lifted my hand to his face, stroking his cheek gently.

I turned around and headed out the door, ready to get Damian all tacked up.

I stopped dead in front of the doorway. There lying in the middle of the aisle way was mom, her hands bloody and a knife resting in her hands.

“Joey!!” I screamed. I rushed over to mom, lifting her head to my lap. She was still breathing. “Joey!” I continued to scream.

I sat in the waiting room, my head resting on my hand. Joey sat next to me, tapping his foot restlessly on the ground. I leaned back, remembering the music on the radio. I fiddled with my hands, and pretended to air guitar. All of a sudden the door opened and a doctor stood in the doorway. A smile plastered to his face. “Your mother will be fine”

A long sigh of relief escaped my lungs and Joey and I stood up. “When can I see her?” The doctor signaled me in. I looked back at Joey. He blew me a kiss and I walked into the small room. The smell of rubber gloves filled my nose. I hated the smell of hospitals, not only the stinky rubber smell but the smell of old dieing people was evident.

I looked towards the bed; Mother lay there staring out the window. Her eyes glued, she didn’t even look when I walked in. “Mom?” I said quietly, standing before the bedside. I felt like flipping the mattress over and beating her senseless. I looked at my feet hearing no answer. Anger suddenly welled up within me. I walked over to the window and closed the blinds, standing right in front of her. I stared down at her wrist. Eight small stitches held together the skin, my heart sank and my eyes began to swell with tears.

“What were you thinking?” I said walking to the front of the bed. Still no answer, I kicked the front of the bed, causing it to shake. “Answer me!” I cried anger evident in my voice. Slowly her head turned towards me. Tears slithered down her elderly cheek. I shook my head and turned away. I couldn’t look at her. “I need her Andy” a small voice hardly audible whispered. I spun around. Tears spilling from my eyes.

“I need you mom!” I screamed. I rubbed away the tears. “Riley’s DEAD, you can’t bring her back…she’s NEVER coming back, she’s never coming back” I said tears flooded down my cheeks as I fell back onto one of the chairs. I held my face in my hands; I pounded my fist against my knee mindlessly. “I need you…” I whimpered my voice hardly audible. Hell I could hardly tell what I was saying.

Mother looked down at me, shutting her eyes tight, enclosing the image of me from her memory. “I didn’t mean to Andy…” She said slowly. “I didn’t mean to put you through this again”

I glared up at her, rubbing my eyes. “Then you should have thought of that before you go and cut yourself” I said walking out of the room, leaving mom to stare as I walk out.

The car ride home was quiet, and I looked out at the sky. Joey rested his hand on my knee giving it a gentle squeeze. “You alright?” I looked over at him. I gave a shrug and soon nodded. “I suppose” Joey took a deep breath and continued to drive. Soon enough we were home, I walked up to the house and grabbed a bunch of old towels and a bucket and some soap.

I stared quietly at the large puddle of blood that sat in the aisle. I knelt down and rubbed my eyes again, keeping the tears away. I gave a sigh and set my bucket of soap and water down next to me pulling out the scrub brush.

“Thanks a lot mom” I grunted and looked around. A small radio sat out in the barn. I stood up, brushing all the dust off my jeans. I clicked the button on and listened to the song that played. I made a face and changed it, playing with the buttons for what seemed like hours, I decided to play the CD that was sitting in the CD slot.

I pressed play and guitar solo’s dashed in left and right, I bobbed my head along with the beat. Soon out of no where I started airing guitar, my mind feeling so free. I strum my pretend guitar strings, wailing my arms everywhere while I pretended to play. I screamed along with the loud music, it made me feel good. I started jumping around madly and pretended to swing around my guitar. The next thing I knew Joey was standing in front of me, a large grin on his face. I stopped and blushed embarrassed. “Uhh…I was cleaning…” I said and knelt down to scrub away the puddle of blood. Joey started laughing madly and I stood up. “It’s not funny! It’s a new way to clean….” I said making my now embarrassing moment into a joke. “Oh yea, surrrrrrrre” Joey said heading back up to the house. Laughing hysterically.

“Hey!” I called back up to him. Joey turned around still laughing.

“What’s that CD?”

Joey continued to laugh. “I’m not sure I should tell you…if your gonna do that everyday when you listen to it” Joey said sarcastically. I grinned and flipped him off.

“Get over it! Now what’s the CD?” Joey laughed some more, finally catching his breath he gave a sigh. “It’s a band called Disturbed, its Adam’s CD” he said suddenly smiling. I nodded to the name, and memorized it into my mind. “What?” I finally said noticing his smile.

“I’m glad to see you smiling again”

Another large grin appeared on my face. “I missed smiling” I said feeling all the hurt and pain leave my body. I sighed and turned around, and started working in the barn.

I watched restlessly by the barn. The horses grazed quietly out by the front, snorting every once in awhile. I looked out beyond the horses, and looked down at the ground. I small smile appeared on my face when I thought of Riley, all the fun times we used to have. I gave a sigh and leaned back against the stable wall.

I looked up the clear blue sky. Taking a deep breath, taking in the different smells of fall. I lowered my head to my knees and thought for a few moments. Slowly I looked up at the sky one more time.

“Riley, if you can hear me….

I just wanted you to know, I’m sorry….Sorry for everything that happened…

I’m sorry for arguing with you, tackling you to the ground…” I said with a gentle laugh.

“Most of all…I wanted to say I’m sorry for letting you go…

I wish I was me than you man…” I paused again.

“I want you to know…everything I do will be for you…the Olympics, I’ll win, just for you….I’ll make you proud little sis” I said. A grin on my face. I stood up, brushing the dirt from myself. I stopped before I headed up to the house. I looked up at the sky once more, letting out another sigh.

“Most importantly….I miss you so much”

I looked down at my feet, and headed up to the house.

The next morning I woke up to a phone ringing. My eyes snapped open, and I slowly lifted myself. I looked at Joey who lay sleepily next to me. I kissed the back of his neck and walked up slowly to get the phone. I picked up the phone and yawned. “Hello?”

I listened to the phone call for a few seconds. I slapped my hand to my eyes and shook my head miserably. I sighed. “I’ll be there”

I hung up the phone. I turned around. Joey stood there in boxers, his hair messy and his eyes barely open. “Who was that?” He said rubbing his eyes. I yawned and stretched my arms. “That was the hospital…mom is going crazy” I said annoyed. Joey gave a funny look and wrapped my in his arms. “Do you want me to come?” he said kissing my neck. I leaned into him.

“You don’t have to” I said kissing him.

He shrugged and continued to kiss me. “I have nothing else to do” he said in between kisses. I smiled to his kisses and continued to lean against him. “Alright, its your funeral” I said sarcastically. He grinned and kissed me one more time before he walked to our room to get dressed.

We were at the hospital a while later. I cringed walking back into the smelly place. “I hate hospitals” I said drawing close to Joey, who embraced an arm around my shoulder. “Yea…me too” He said

I heard screaming down the hall, nurses came rushing in and out constantly grabbing new supplies. I looked up a Joey and headed down the hallway at a brisk pace. I recognized the scream from the night Riley died and knew it was my mother. I grabbed a nurse before she rushed out. “What’s happening? What’s wrong with my mother?” I said demanding an answer. The nurse shrugged. “I’m not sure…” she said a voice of worry in her tone. My thoughts raced as that sudden fear rushed through my body again. I tried to walk in but a nurse stopped me. “Your mother isn’t herself right now, we cant allow you in” she said throwing her arm in front of the doorway. “She’s my mother…I should be able to go in there” I said trying to sneak past her hand.

Suddenly the doctor looked up, flinched every time my mother whirled her hands around, smacking and kicking the nurses violently as they approached. “No let her in!” He suddenly cried signaling me over. I looked at the nurse as her arm drew back to her side. I looked back at Joey a look of shock on his face.

I stepped into the room slowly approaching my mother. The whirling stopped and she looked at me funny. “You look like my daughter” She said dumbfounded. I gave her a funny look, suddenly looking over at the doctor. “It’s me Andy?” I said sitting next to her bedside. “Riley??” she said. A sudden smile spread upon her face. She suddenly grabbed my hand, jerking me close. She began hugging and kissing me madly, she laughed gently. I could feel her tears running down onto the back of my shirt. I looked up at Joey stupidly. Mom gently pushed me off her grasping my shoulders and staring deeply into my eyes. I look of shock and worry was on my face. “Oh Riley, I missed you so much”

“Mom…it’s me Andy…”

Mom looked at me funny. “You aren’t Andy…Andy hates me remember? You’re the daughter I love” she said wrapping her arms around me once again. I looked at Joey. I felt hurt.

A few moments after that incident. I looked up at the doctor, who stared worriedly at my mother. He looked down at me and began explaining what he thought was happening.

“I really think she’s developing el timers. It’s at an early stage, so we might have caught it on time”

I gave a confused look. It’s only been a day and she’s already showing signs? “How could she have developed el timers so quickly?”

The doctor looked ahead towards mother who was lying peacefully in bed. I gave a sigh. “I guess go ahead and do what you gotta do…” I said and walked away. I felt that my mother was faking it, let alone really sick. I sighed as I walked up to Joey, shaking my head disappointed. He wrapped his arm around my waist, and drew me in closer. I rested my head on his shoulder. “This is irritating”