(Author's Note: The subject of this prose contains themes of religion. Please, remember this is a character, and not ME.)

It was around four in the morning, and I just couldn't sleep.
I gazed over at my digital clock once more just to make sure I wasn't reading it wrong.

Yeah..four in the morning. Wow.

I swung my legs to the edge of my bed, and hoped off.
I gave a scratch to my head, and rubbed my eyes to shake off the sleep.
I felt really thirsty, so I quietly walked down the stairs to grab a glass of water.
With each step down the stairs I took; I felt like I was falling asleep again.
When I reached the very bottom I flicked the light switch to the on position, and
my eyes were like heat seeking missiles, and centered on the middle of the kitchen floor.
My mother was lying there motionless.

I didn't think twice.
Actully, I don't even think I thought at all.
I ran over to my mother, and knelt down to the floor.
"Mom, mom!" I screamed to her body.
She didn't move.
She didn't even open her eyes.
I couldn't fathom what could have happened.
I actually still thought I was asleep.
I called out for her again, but there was no was making her awaken.
I gently placed my mother back on the floor, and jumped for the phone.

911.

Hello, how may I help you? -
Yeah, my mother, uh..she..she's not moving --
What has happened to your mother? -
I ..I don't know! I came out here, and she was on the floor --
Did she injest anything? -
No, I don't know, maybe, but..no, she wouldn't do something like that, she's not stupid --
Look around her; are there any bottles or anything laying around? -

And that's when I saw the pills of Oxycottton empty near her torso.

Oh my god..yes..it's a bottle of Oxycotton, and it's empty! --
How much was in there before this happened, do you know? -
It was full, she just got it yesterday. --
Alright hun, the police and ambulance crew will be arriving shortly, okay? -
Yeah..yeah, good. Hey..do you know if she'll be okay? --
Oh, I'm sure your mother will be just fine -

Except she wasn't.
She wasn't just fine at all.
She overdosed, and that was it.
I never got to say goodbye.
I never got to apologize for the fights we had, and never made up for.

She left a suicide note, and I found it before the police came.
It took them about 5 minutes, but I memorized that note by then.
I still know every word:

Dear Nikki,

Goodbye. I know it's hard to say it, but we all have to one day.
This is my goodbye to you, because I don't think you'll ever get to say it to my face.
I loved you, my baby girl, I did.
What drove me to this had nothing to do with you.
You're my angel, and I love you.
I will always love you.
God will protect you, because I no longer can.
Tell everyone else the same for me, please.
I have shed my last tears, and I only ask you to forgive me.

Love,
Mom.

I cried for weeks, months, maybe even a couple years.
Nothing could get my mother out of my head.
Every time I watched something on TV -- I thought of her.
I thought of her sitting next to me laughing at Dane Cook,
or crying during our favorite move:
The Notebook.

One thing stood out in her suicide note that drove me insane.

God..will protect me?

I thought to myself how ridiculous that sounded.
Yeah, my mother raised me as a Christian, but after her death..
I wondered.

I researched all I could about religion.
I researched the shit about Pascal's Wager.
I researched every single contradiction of the Bible, and every single passage of the Quran that was corrupt.
I even memorized some of the comparissions to Jesus Christ and Horus; and all of the other ancient gods before Jesus Christ.
I started to realize that religion wasn't for me,
and my mother was not watching.

That was hard to handle.

My mother wasn't above the skies making sure I was still her baby.
She wasn't listening to me everytime I cried about her.
There's no magnificent god looking down upon me,
and I wish there was.

I want to feel my mother around me.
I want the comfort of religion again,
but I know I would just be lying to myself.

Is that what theists do?
Lie to themselves?
Is it all just pretend comfort?
It's the fear of going to hell.
I know how that is.

Listen to me.
Your friends, your family, the ones you loved who died --
you're never going to see them again.

I had to learn that the most painful way possible.
It took my mother dying for me to open my eyes.
It took my mother's suicide to make me realize...

I make my own destiny.
There isn't one already written for me,
because I can change it whenever I want.

Because of that..
I love myself more than ever.

Thank you, mom..
I love you, too.

(Second Author's Note: I am not Nikki, the girl in this prose story, but I am her beliefs. I am the atheist she is. It didn't take my mother dying to realize religion is corrupt; in fact, my mother is alive and well; I figured it out on my own.)