"Shhh..." I whispered into Tara's ear. She was lying half next to me, half on me, and she was crying. She had shown up at my door not long ago, her eyes red and puffy from crying, with one black eye and a cut lip. I had just held out my arms and she almost ran into them. Closing and locking the door, I led her to my living room, and onto the couch. I didn't ask what was wrong, and she didn't volunteer anything, so I just held her, and whispered in her ear.

I had only seen her like this one or two times before in the two years I've known her. Tara is normally a happy, perky, hyper person. She always has a smile, and she's always ready to brighten up someone's day even when hers is falling apart. As cliché as it is, she's the light to my darkness. We're almost the stereotypical gay couple, in appearance anyway, us being complete opposites but in love nonetheless, and happy. She was the sweet, adorable femme, and I was the stronger, I-don't-want-to-show-my-feelings one. Usually, anyway. I was the one that had more breakdowns than she did, even though I had less pressure on me.

We were actually the model couple for others at the youth group we went to in Cleveland. Not only did we rarely fight, but it was so obvious that we were in love. We spent as much time together as we could; you would almost never see one of us without the other. There was an age difference of three years between us; I was 19 and she was 16.

Back in the present, Tara was calming down. At least, she wasn't crying so hard. She was still trembling.

"Arwyn," She started, her voice shaking. From how sad and resigned she sounded, I was afraid of what she would say. "I'm moving..."

I felt like I had just walked into a wall. Moving?! I thought. How can she be moving?!

"Where?" I finally choked out after a minute or two.

"Washington." She was afraid of how I would react. I could tell from the way she was holding onto me so tightly, with her face in the crook of my neck. So, for her sake, I made myself calm down, and control my voice. She would know I was faking it, but it was better than letting her see how upset I was.

"Okay." I said, trying my best to keep my voice calm. "How do you feel about a long distance relationship?"

"Oh, Arwyn." I could feel more tears fall from her eyes. I didn't know if it was from relief that I wasn't going to break up with her, or something else. I hoped it was from relief, and she wasn't about to break up with me. "Do you really think we can do it? So many people don't last with long distance relationships." She was whispering now, probably to keep herself from crying again.

"Yes, Tara. I know we can." I tightened my arms around her, pulling her closer so that there was no space between us. "As long as we both want to, we can. A love like ours doesn't come along very often, my dear. We'll be able to talk all the time. Free minutes start at seven for our cell phones, and there's email and instant messaging, and letters. I'll come see you, too, as often as I can."

"You're right," she said softly. I could feel her little smile, and it was obvious she was calming down. I smiled too, and kissed the top of her head.

"Have you eaten?" I asked, changing the subject. She shook her head. "Alright. How about I order us pizza, and we'll watch a movie."

"The Sound of Music?" She asked, pulling away to look at me. When I laughed, she threw her arms around me again in a hug. A second later, she got up to get the movie set up in my room, where the best television was. The Sound of Music was her favorite movie. She was crazy about musicals, especially old ones. Her favorite was Phantom of the Opera, and she knew all the words to just every song from every character. We had seen it live at least twenty times, and each time she was just as caught up in the story, like it was the first time she was seeing it. The Sound of Music was the one she always watched when she was upset, as it always helped her relax.

I ordered the cheese pizza, her favorite and started up to my room. Remembering her black eye and cut lip, I grabbed some ice and a couple cans of coke. By the time I got upstairs, Tara was already on double bed with a bunch of pillows behind her, and the movie playing.

She smiled when she heard me come in, but didn't look away from the TV. Rolling my eyes, I grabbed some more pillows from the hall closet--I don't know why I didn't keep them in my room, since Tara did this all the time--and joined Tara on the bed. I put my arm around her, and she leaned back, resting her head on my shoulder.

"You going to spend the night?" I asked, whispering. Tara always pretended to get mad when I talked loudly through musicals, especially her favorites.

Tara sighed. "If you don't mind..."

"Of course I don't mind." I kissed the top of her head. "You're always welcome here. You'll have to call your parents, though. And before the movie is over."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll call when the pizza gets here. If I don't forget."

"Don't worry, you won't."

"Fine."

"Love you."

The pizza came about half an hour later. I had Tara call her parents to let them know where she was while I paid the delivery guy. They weren't happy about it, but they let her stay. They liked me, and thought I was good for Tara, even though there was a three year age difference.

Tara's mother, Jessica, always told me that she respected me for the life I made for myself. My family was rich, but they were all assholes. They hated that I was gay, and threatened to disown me when I came out to them. So, I had left, at 16. My family and I went to court, and I got a declaration of emancipation or whatever, so I could live on my own. I think it had something to do with my parent’s money, and them wanting me out, but oh well. It got me away from them, and for that, I was thankful.

Her father, though, was a completely different matter. I won't even go into what he thinks of me, or of Tara for that matter. He was, though, the reason Tara spent so much time at my house.

Tara fell asleep during the last hour of the movie. She fell asleep half laying on me, so that if I moved, she'd wake up, so I just left the TV and DVD player on, since the remotes were on the other side of the bed. I fell asleep shortly after.

-

Two weeks later, the day finally came to say goodbye. Her parents had already bought a house in Washington and sold theirs before they told Tara they were moving, so things moved rather quickly after that. Tara and I had spent a lot of time at her house packing her stuff, and getting her ready to go.

I finally cried when Tara and I had to say goodbye. For the past two weeks, it had been me holding her while she cried, but now it was the other way around.

"I love you," Tara whispered over and over as I cried.

Finally, it was time to let go, or they would miss their plane. Of course, the idea of not letting go of Tara so that they did miss their plane had crossed my mind, but Tara wouldn't let me. It was her turn to be the stronger one, and she was good at it.

"I love you," I finally said back to her, as we hugged for the last time. She kissed me quickly, and got into their car. Five minutes later, I could no longer see them. I made my way back to my house; feeling like half of me was gone. In a way, it was, since, in my mind, Tara was the other half of me.

-

XoX

-

Tara and I first met two years ago, at the local gay/lesbian youth group, above an independent book store, called Stone Haven. I had been going to this group for about a year, but it was her first time there. We all love seeing new people come to the group, and Tara was no exception. All of us girls, and some of the more femme boys, fawned over her. She was beautiful, though she didn't know it, with her long, raven black hair and emerald green eyes. I fell for her instantly.

She was only 14, though. In my mind, she was off-limits, for anything other than friendship. So, I became her friend. We got very close, very quickly. We went well together, and everyone noticed. We were teased about it, constantly, in the youth group. Tara didn't mind, though, and neither did I.

Tara got her first girlfriend about a month after we met. She started going out with one of the girls from group, Rose. They went out for a month, and then broke up. They stayed friends, though, for a while. It was almost two months before Tara told why they broke up.

Turns out, they broke up because of me. Rose had understood when Tara told her that she had fallen in love with me. She had always felt bad about it, thinking that she had somehow betrayed Rose by falling in love with me. Rose was great about it, though, even though she had fallen pretty hard for Tara. They were good friends for a long time, although they started drifting apart a year later. They still got together once a month, at least, to catch up and have fun.

After Tara's confession, we started going out. It was a little awkward at first, but then things just fell into place. Things got better, and they stayed that way.

At first, her mother didn't like me. Her father hated me, but his opinion didn't count, as he was hardly ever home and had very little say in Tara's life. Jessica warmed up to me soon enough, though, when she saw how happy Tara was with me. We made sure her mother knew we weren't having sex or anything. Or, at least, Tara did. We decided it was best I wasn't there for that conversation, much to my relief. Her mom did talk to me on the phone for a while when I called once, asking me about my intentions with Tara. I guess I was able to assure her that I only wanted the best for Tara, and, as long as I was best for her, I would be there, no matter what. Even then, I knew I would love Tara all my life.

For us, we never really got past the initial happiness you feel when you fall in love. It changed, some, so we were happy in different ways, but we were still always happy when we were together, no matter what. Even when we fought over whatever, neither of us wanted to be away from the presence of the other. There was one time we were furious at each other, over something so unimportant that I can't even remember, and Tara almost stormed out of my house. She only made it to the door, though, before she came back, saying that while she very much disliked me at the moment, she was going to stay and watch a movie. All my anger was just gone at that statement, and I had to keep myself from laughing.

After we were going out for about a year, Tara started staying at my house overnight a lot. In fact, she almost lived there. A week after this started, I found out why. Her father had been promoted, and now spent most of his time working at home instead of traveling all the time. Tara and her father had never gotten along well, and things between them only got worse after she came out. He started drinking, and he it turned out he was a mean drunk. Because of this, her mother didn't mind her staying with me most of the time, as long as she spent at least one night at her house, and her grades didn't change.

Her mother sent me checks, after a while, for food and so Tara could get new clothes, and whatever else she needed. Tara still went shopping for stuff with her mother (they'd always been kinda close), and so most of the money Jessica sent me went into the bank for an emergency. Jessica had told me a few times that whatever money Tara doesn't need I can use for stuff around my house, or to put towards paying off the house. It still went in the bank, though. I preferred to have it there than spending it. It was always a good idea to have extra money, and now I was thankful for it.

Tara wasn't my first girlfriend, or my first love. But she was the first one that I really loved, that I could imagine spending my life with. The age difference was a big thing when we first started out, but it didn't stay that way. Age wasn't something we thought about when we were together, at least not after a while. We had talked about it a lot, and it slowly became less of a big deal. Especially when our love only got stronger. The friends of ours, and Tara's mother, got used to it too. We didn't really give them a choice, so it's good that they did.

Honestly, I'm not sure what will happen with Tara in Washington. A big part of our relationship was just spending time together. There were going to have to be plenty of changes. I've always known we could do it; our love is most definitely strong enough. But...you never know what's going to happen.

-

XoX

-

A whispered word, a gentle touch. A kiss in complete darkness, a soft moan. A gentle tug of hair, a neck bared in submission.

Abruptly, the dream changed with the crunch of metal slamming into metal at high speeds, and a scream of pain, high and long. Complete and utter darkness falls over everything, darker than the black of night.

The scream breaks off suddenly, and for a second that seems like an eternity, there is no sound.

I woke up suddenly, sitting straight up. I was gasping for breath, and drenched in a cold sweat. My room was darker than I like it to be, with the only light coming from the streetlights outside my window. I must've forgotten to leave the hall light on before going to bed.

The phone rang again, making me almost jump out of my skin. Forcing myself to calm down or at least to sound calm, I answered it with a soft 'Hello.'

Jessica's--Tara's mother's--voice came on the line. "Arwyn..." Uh-oh. She sounded...worn out. That cannot be good. "There's been an accident, Arwyn." I swear my heart stopped. "Tara was driving the two of us to a store this afternoon and...And we were hit by a truck." If your heart skips more than one beat in less than two minutes, is it a bad thing? "I'm fine, but...Arwyn, Tara's in ICU." I think I made some sound. Even before Jessica could continue images of the worst were running through my mind. "The way we were hit, her legs were crushed. She'll be okay, but she'll..." Jessica stopped, obviously trying to calm herself down, at least until she was down talking to me.

"Arwyn, we need you out here. At least, Tara does. How soon can you get a flight out here?"

It was almost a full minute before I could say anything.

"I'll be there by tomorrow morning," I said once my brain started working again. "I'll have to take care of a few things so I can stay out there...I'll call you, okay?" Jessica quickly agreed, and we said goodbye. As soon as I hung up, I dropped the phone.

Tara, my Tara was in the hospital intensive care unit, after being in a car crash that crushed her legs. At least it couldn't get worse, right?

-

Wrong. It took me a few minutes, but after remembering the 'few things' I would have to do before I left, I realized that it would get worse.

I had to deal with my parents. I needed money, enough for me to get a place to stay and, if possible, to help with whatever was needed for Tara. I had no idea what to expect.

There are few things in this life I dislike (hate) more than my parents. Very few things. They're selfish, egotistical jerks. They kicked me out because I refused to hide my sexuality, and actually paid someone off so I could legally live somewhere else at the age of 16.

And yet, today I find myself in their driveway, working up the nerve to ring the doorbell so I can ask them for money so I can fly out to Washington State and stay out there with my amazing girlfriend without having to sleep in the streets and stress about money and, with luck, be able to help with expenses so that her family does not go bankrupt. Yes, that was a run on sentence. I blame my parents.

Sighing (and stopping with my mental cursing my parents thing), I finally rang the doorbell. The butler, of course, answered. Yes, they have a butler. Such people do still exist. After telling him who I was and that I was here to see either both or one of my parents, he let me in and led me to the parlor (the place is a dang mansion).

What seems like an hour later, my dad finally comes in. Good. I was always closer to him, and he was more likely to give me what I need.

I gave him a hug that he, thankfully, returned, and sat back down in one of the chairs by the fire.

"You need money," he said, skipping any preliminaries. For a second, I just sat there, shocked.

After explaining why I needed it, what I was going to do, and that I would, eventually, pay him back, he still hadn't kicked me out, yelled at me, or even glared. All good signs.

"Alright," he said a couple minutes after I finished talking. "I'll loan you the money on two conditions. One, your mother does not find out about this. She'll throw a fit." I resisted the urge to snicker at the mental image of my mother throwing a fit over this. "And two, you take good care of this girl that's captured your heart." Shocked, again, I couldn't do anything but stare at him. "I love you, Arwyn, you're my little girl, and this Tara obviously makes you happy. I'm just sorry about everything that's happened." Huh. Okay, so maybe my father isn't as bad as I thought.

"Thank you, Daddy," I whispered, giving him another hug.

"You're welcome." We stayed like that for a few minutes, before he said my mother would be home soon and I should go.

"Arwyn," he called as I was about to walk out the front door. "Keep in touch, if you can." I just smiled and nodded, and went to my car.

Father was going to transfer the money into my bank account as soon as I left so by the time I paid for the plane ticket it would be there. Before I left, he also agreed to have someone come out to pack up whatever I couldn't fit into my suitcase and put it in storage (which he agreed to pay for, until I could have it sent to me or come back for it), and then sell my little house.

It went so much better than I had even hoped it would. I guess being 'Daddy's little girl' can pay off.

-

XoX

-

The flight to Seattle was long and tedious. There were at least three people that I wanted to push out of the airlock. Then, to make it all better, I realized that I hadn't called Jessica to tell her when my flight was coming in, and I had no way to get to the hospital. I was just glad I knew what hospital it was, so at least I had some idea of where I was going.

Finally, the plane landed and I could get off. I hated flying more than just about anything, but I love Tara more than I hate flying.

I called Jessica after I found my bag, and, after explaining my situation, she said she'd have a cab come pick me up at a cafe two blocks down. Sighing, I picked up my stuff and started off for the place. Now I was extremely glad I didn't have time to pack more than just a little bit, I wasn't sure I could carry anymore than I was now.

-

About half an hour later I was standing outside the hospital with my bags. I was afraid to go in; I was afraid to see Tara. It was stupid, but to me, seeing her would make it all real for me. Not that it wasn't now, but it was just...I could consider this a dream, that I would wake up from any moment.

But I had to see her anyway.

As I walked in, it took all my self control to keep from shaking. On the elevator ride to the floor Jessica told me to go to it only got harder. My heart felt like it was beating in overtime, and it was almost painful the way it beat against my ribs. It almost seemed to echo in the small space...

Remembering what Jessica said, I turned right when I got out of the elevator, then left. Thankfully, Jessica was there waiting for me. I had to remind myself to breathe. When she spotted me a second later, she almost ran over and hugged me.

"Oh, Arwyn, I'm so glad you're here!" She sounded ready to cry. A second later she released me, and I could see the tears held back in her eyes. "It's...I...Tara, she's not doing well, Arwyn. She's physically stable; it's just her legs that were really hurt. A couple shallow cuts and bruises here and there, but...Mentally, she's doing really bad, Arwyn." Tears started leaking from her eyes. I hugged her again, unable to watch her cry.

She had spoken fast, and I'd had to struggle to keep up. I didn't like what she was saying. Tara was strong, though; A fighter. She wouldn't give up, but she wouldn't accept this easily either.

"Can I see her?" I asked as I pulled away.

"Of course...She doesn't know you're here though...I don't know how she'll react to you being here, to tell you the truth..."

"It'll be okay," I assured her, my voice stronger than I felt. I could only hope my words were true...

Jessica pointed me to a room and told me to just walk in. She had the room to herself for now, luckily. I took a deep breath and started towards the room. I could feel my hand shaking--what if she didn't want me here? What if I couldn't stand the sight of here there on the bed, knowing she was unable to get out of it herself? I can do this, I told myself as I walked through the door.

Tara was in a bed by a window on the far side of the room. She was lying in a bed with one of those white, hospital blankets covering her legs. She had already been through at least one of the many surgeries she'd need, I knew that. She looked so...normal, almost, lying there like that. Like she had just come in for something small...

My heart skipped a beat as she looked over at me, frozen for a second in the doorway. "Arwyn," she mouthed, or whispered so quietly I couldn't hear. I ran to her then, sitting down on the bed and leaning down to hug her.

"How..." She started, surprised, apparently, at my appearance.

"Your mom called," I whispered to her, still holding her in a hug. "Last night. I went to see my father. He agreed to loan me a bunch of money so I could stay out here with you, and he's going to get someone to pack up my place and send everything out here when I find somewhere to live.

"How are you doing?" I finally pulled away as I finished talking, settling for simply holding her hands. She had tears in her beautiful green eyes, which were red, as though she'd been crying before I showed up.

She looked away from me before talking. I saw a tear fall to the thin blanket. "It's awful, Arwyn," she said, barely audible. She was struggling with what to say. I squeezed her hands in what I hope was a reassuring way. "They don't hurt my legs. They're just...numb. I can't feel them, and I can't move them, and it scares me. And I can't get the sound out of my head, Arwyn...It was so awful, and I don't know what to do..."

It looked like she had more she wanted to say, but she broke off crying and couldn't. I wrapped my arms around her, moving so that I was closer, and she laid her head on my shoulder and just cried. I couldn't blame her; I could only imagine what she was going through.

It broke my heart to see her like this, on a hospital bed crying. Stroking her hair I noticed that it wasn't as thick or shiny as it was before she left. I couldn't know if it was because of the crash or from something else, like the move.

I wanted to help Tara, in some way other than just holding her. She needed so much more than that right now, but I didn't know what. There had to be something...

I sighed, and simply held her tighter. I would think about it later. Tara needed my full attention now.

"It'll be alright, love," I whispered as she calmed down. "It'll be okay, you'll see. I'll make sure of it." Her only reply was to bury her head against my neck and hold on tighter to my shirt. Her way of saying that she trusted me, but wasn't sure I was right. Therefore, I would have to show her that I was. Of course, the fact that I had no idea how I'd do that was irrelevant. I love her. I would just have to give it time and find a way.

"My father's going to go to jail..." Tara said, moving her head so I could hear her.

Well, that was unexpected.

"When they were x-raying me and checking for other injuries, they saw some of the scars and evidence of bones having been broken a while ago with no record from my doctor about them or something." I could feel more tears coming from her pretty eyes as she spoke. "They asked me about them, and I couldn't lie. I didn't want to. Mom won't say anything about it, but the doctors told me."

Finally. That asshole was going to prison. I couldn't be happier about that. I just wish he was getting something worse. He deserved worse for hurting my Tara. But, again, Tara needed my full attention.

"I'm glad you're here, Arwyn." She said. I kissed her head, and whispered that I love her. Just what she wanted to hear.

We stayed like that for a while, with me just holding her against me, until she fell asleep. Since my back was hurting from sitting like I was, I untangled her hands from my shirt and moved her so she was lying back against the bed like she was when I came in.

-

Jessica was still in the waiting area when I came out of Tara's room. She was awake, but looked like she had gotten at least a little bit of sleep. She must've fallen asleep out here during the two hours or so I was with Tara. Rolling my shoulders to try and get the stiffness out, I walked over to her.

"How is she?" Jessica asked, watching me as I sat down across from her.

"She's...okay." I answered. "She more or less cried herself to sleep on my shoulder, but she's glad I'm here. She's still sleeping now. How are you?"

"Well," she smiled tightly. "I'm not bad, all things considered. My daughter is in the hospital and they're telling me she might not be able to walk again, and, well, Tara probably told you about her father, and I'm angry at myself for not figuring out what was going on...But you probably don't want to hear this. You should just focus on Tara."

"Jessica," I started, not exactly sure what I was going to say. "I care about you, too...Especially since Tara needs you to at least appear to be okay, so she can stay strong through this. She loves you, and needs you. So if talking to me helps in any way, I'll always listen."

This time, her smile was more real. "Thank you, Arwyn. I appreciate that. She needs you more, you know. She may love me, but she's in love with you, and will look more to you for comfort and support. I'm glad you're here, too.

"You are going to stay, aren't you? I know you'll have to get a job and all, but you're welcome to stay with me."

"Thanks, but my dad is loaning me money, and I'm going to get an apartment of my own. I'll be getting a job too, but...yeah. Thanks though."

"You're welcome. You should probably get looking then, since Tara's asleep now, and she'll be going in for her next surgery soon." Before I could ask, she continued. "I'll call you when she gets out. She'll still be out of it on pain killers and the anesthesia and all, so she by the time you'll get here it'll be wearing off."

"Okay. Thanks, Jessica." Again, before I could ask, she answered my question.

"You can just drop your stuff off at my place." She handed me a card with the address, and, after thanking her again, I left to find myself a place to stay.

-

XoX

--

For the next few weeks, Tara only seemed to get worse. Mentally, anyway. Physically, she was getting better...I think. Her surgeries were finished, and she just started physical therapy yesterday. But mentally...She never talked to anyone but me, and even then she didn't say much. She always looked sad, and her eyes held so much pain. It hurt me to see her like this, but I had no idea how to help her.

Jessica and I spoke about that specifically a few times. She thought we should just wait it out, and that time would help. Since I didn't know what else to do, I believed her. I just wanted to do something...Seeing her like that...I didn't know it could hurt so badly to see someone else hurt.

By now, it was four weeks since the day I arrived in Seattle. I had found a small apartment, and a job. My father shipped what I needed out to me, and arranged for the rest to go into storage, and he sent me more money. Jessica gave me a ride to the hospital to stay with Tara after work, and then drove me home after I had to leave. She and I talked a lot, and I was glad for her company. In turn, she was extremely glad that Tara would at least talk to me.

"She loves you," Jessica would say. "She's in love with you. It's different than how she feels about me. I'm just her mother; you're the love of her life."

I had nothing to say to any of that, since it was all true. At least, I hoped the last part was true, but who wouldn't?

-

It was a Thursday when Tara first said it. I had just gotten to the hospital, and Jessica had gone down to get something to eat and give us some privacy, like she always did. Tara looked as normal as she did these days, sitting up on a bench next to a window.

"I'm going to die," she said suddenly after I greeted her with a kiss.

The only time I'd ever been more scared was when Jessica first called me telling me what happened. I was speechless. I mean, what can you say to that?!

"Not...not for a few weeks," she continued. "But...Arwyn, I can't do this. I'm just...I'm not all here, and it has nothing to do with my legs. A part of me is missing, Arwyn..." I was crying now; I could feel the tears on my face. While she was talking I had sat down on the same bench, facing Tara. She laid her hand on my cheek, trying to comfort me while she talked. "Arwyn, you know I love you, more than anything. I just...I...I can't live like this!" Now she was crying too. I moved and pulled her against me, careful not to disturb her legs. I put my arms around her and she did the same, laying her head on my shoulder. "It hurts, my love. My heart, and my soul...I can feel parts of me missing, and it hurts." She was whispering now. "It's not...it’s not something the doctors can fix, not even something you can fix, though being with you helps. I...Honey, I have to..."

"Tara, no." I couldn't make my voice louder than a whisper. My tears came down faster. No! "No, you...you can't die. I can't live without you...I...I have nothing without you." I could feel her cry against my shoulder, and I knew that telling me this hurt her more than it did me.

I had no idea what to do. Feeling her cry against me, hearing her cry against me, made me cry harder. So I just whispered that I love her, and held her tighter.

-

I never hurt as much as I did then.

It felt like...Hell, there's no way to describe it. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to think, it hurt to dream. It hurt me because she was hurting.

It killed me because she was right.

-

I didn't talk to Jessica about it. Tara said it would be better not to, and I just couldn't.

Work was awful. It was hard to make it through the day before I could see Tara. Everyday, she got better physically. Everyday, she got worse emotionally.

No one noticed but me, of course. She didn't let any one else. She would fake a smile or at least a more hopeful expression when other people were around, even though I was still the only one she talked to. With me, she didn't hide.

"I love you," she said to me one afternoon. "And you love me, with all of you. I owe you this much, Arwyn. I can't lie to you...I won't lie to you. This is how it is...This is how I am. I'm sorry, but I love you to much to pretend." The last part came out in a whisper.

I held her a lot. It was what she wanted, and what she needed. Soft, little butterfly touches said all we needed to say. We're in love.

It was almost enough.

-

I walked to a jewelry store one day after work. I was itching to see Tara, but the thought of how her face would look when I got there made me able to wait a little longer. Jessica was picking me up at the store; she already knew what I was planning. She didn't exactly understand the timing, but there was no helping that.

The ring I bought was, technically, a promise ring. It didn't matter to me, though, and I knew it was what Tara would prefer.

It had a beautiful silver band, with a heart-shaped amethyst with a diamond on two sides, where the band grips the jewel.

I know, it's an awful description, but the ring was beautiful. Tara would love it.

-

XoX

-

As soon as I pulled out the box holding the ring, Tara knew what I was doing. I handed it to her without saying a word.

"Always," Tara whispered, truly smiling for the first time in a while. "I'll always be yours. I love you."

I put the ring on her finger, and kissed her.

It was the first time I'd been at all happy for weeks.

-

The first song Tara and I danced to was Amazed by Lonestar. On the way home last night, I heard the song on the radio, and instantly I felt back there.

It was my senior prom. I, and a group of twenty-some people, spent at least three weeks trying to convince the principal to let us bring same-sex dates. He kept refusing, though, no matter what we did, and he never relented. Tara and I went together anyway, only a little worried about what would happen. Some of the others in the group brought dates of the same gender as well. All together, we danced to just about all the fast songs, sitting out the slow ones until the last song. We had decided this ahead of time, thinking it would be best for all of us. It was.

The song started playing, and Tara and I moved to the center of the floor. Bowing, even though it must've looked strange in my tight prom dress, I held out my hand for her to take, and, curtsying like the old fashioned lady she was dressed as, she took it. I could feel people around us watching, and knew Tara could too. We were nervous, but we were not only together, but there were a few others doing the same thing as us, and it gave us the confidence to continue. We started waltzing, in time with the other couples in our group around us.

It was kinda obvious we planned it, but oh well.

After a few steps, the only thing on my mind was how beautiful Tara looked in her silver-green dress. It brought out her eyes, as did her hair, which she had braided and falling over one shoulder. She was wearing gloves, too; elbow length white gloves. She looked just like a lady from one of those old-fashioned movies with characters dancing in a ball room. Only she looked far more beautiful...

By the time the song ended, we had a crowd of people around us, watching. They even applauded. At the end of the dance, those of us who were playing lead bowed again, kissing the other's hand. Grabbing out stuff, the whole group walked out together.

We all knew that everyone knew our dates were people we were in love with. We just didn't know how they would react. It's situations like this that make me happy to have very strong and well-loved guy friends to protect all of us. Heh.

Thankfully, nothing bad happened. When I got to school the next day though, I found several notes in my locker saying that people were amazed at our courage to do such a thing. It turns out we all got them. During lunch, we all got called to the principals’ office, too. Shockingly, he told us he admired our courage and said to come directly to him if we had any problems with the other students.

-

Two weeks after I gave Tara the ring, she was permitted to go home and continue therapy as an outpatient.

Another week after that, I found myself at the hospital at two in the morning with Jessica.

Tara was in ICU.

They didn't think she'd recover.

...She didn't.

Little girl, don't be so blue

I know what you're going through

Don't let it beat you up.

Her CD player sang out to her, as she stood on the dock. The wind was blowing furiously; her shoulder-length blonde hair blowing around her face and tangling in itself, and making her long, flowey dress whip around her legs. The waves crashed dangerously around the dock, making it sway even harder. The ocean was beautifully wild, but anyone looking from the land would only see a sad, beautiful sight.

Heaven knows that hitting walls and getting scars

Only makes you who you are,

Only makes you who you are.

She listened to the too true lyrics, made even more powerful by the fury of the crashing waves. The wind picked up, making it a little hard for her to get a breath. Her hair continued to whip around her face, and tangle in knots.

No matter how much your heart is aching,

There is beauty in the breaking, yeah.

As the rain came down, mixing with the tears on her face. Not a sound came from her though; there was no sound she was able to make. Unable to hold her up any longer, her knees buckled, and she fell to the dock. She curled her legs around her, and draped her dress over in a futile attempt to keep away the cold she could no longer feel.

When you're broken in million little pieces,

And you're trying, but you can't hold on any more,

Every tear falls down for a reason,

Don't you stop believing in yourself,

When you're broken

The rain soaked through her hair and clothes quickly, making it almost painful as her hair continued to blow around her face, but she couldn't feel it. Her CD player died, the rain getting into it, making it unable to work. The waves crashed around her even more, almost like they were reading her mind. The waves got worse and the dock shook even more. The water was coming up onto the dock, swirling around her before falling through cracks back to the ocean as more came up. Not a part of her wasn't wet, and not an inch of her wasn't cold, but she could feel nothing. The pain in her heart, in her soul, was too much.

Uncaring, she fell to her side, stretching out. She almost wanted the waves to take her, to wash her away and take away her pain, but they didn't.

Remembering what she had in her pocket she sat back up. Reaching into the pocket of her dress, she drew out a small, sharp knife. 'Always,' she carved into the wood with shaking hands.

To any watching from the land, all they would see is a beautiful scene of a young girl, surrounded by crashing waves, unable to do anything but quietly break, with no one to help her.

The sky is crying, she thought to herself. Heaven's own tears.

She dropped the knife after the carving was completed. She knew no one but her would understand it, but it didn't matter. Slowly, she stood up, watching the shining knife being drawn into the water. As it fell, the dock swayed once again, and she fell back down. She lay there, crying, listening to the angry, uncaring waves crash dangerously around her.

Feeling a hand on her shoulder she looked up, into the face of an angel. The angel held out a hand, and she placed hers in it. She felt herself being pulled up. Still holding her hand, the angel led her off the now still dock, to the safety of the land. Almost like the angel didn't trust her to stay there, she felt herself being led back to her car. When there, the angel started to pull away.

Not wanting to let go, she only held on tighter. The angel smiled sadly at her, knowing they must part.

"Goodbye, my love." The angel whispered to her. "I'll see you again, when it is your time." Softly, gently, the angel kissed her. The tears came down even faster than before, and she knew she had to let go. As she did, the angel faded away...

Quickly, she climbed into her car, and curled up in back seat. She cried, this time putting all her pain into her sobs, making a sound for the first time that night.

There Jessica found her, and took her home.

-

XoX

-

August 27, 2006

One year ago today, Tara died.

She was in the hospital at the time, in ICU. She had been for two weeks.

She had been admitted back into the hospital after being pushed down a flight of stairs, breaking several bones hitting her head just right to cause bleeding inside the skull. She was found about an hour later, and taken to the hospital. The doctors did all that they could, but it still wasn't enough. Her body died anyway.

Her soul, though, was already gone. It had been since the car crash that took away full use of her legs. A big part of her had died that night, leaving a hole and a pain that no doctor, or love, could fix. She had known she was going to die, and she was prepared for it.

But it didn't mean anyone else was.

I love Tara, with all my heart and soul. It doesn't matter that she isn't physically here. I will never stop loving her.

The pain I felt after Tara's death almost landed me in the hospital. After almost getting myself killed that night at the dock, I found I could deal with the pain, knowing that if this hadn't happened, I would have only the shell of who my love really is.

Tara is...was...beautiful. She was fun loving and active, perky and sweet. She always had a smile for everyone, always had a kind word to comfort anyone who needed it. She was my savior, my princess, my angel. She was the kind of girl that everyone loves and wants to be friends with. The kind of girl that should have the world handed to her on a silver platter, but instead gets the short end of the stick. She had love radiating off of her, and she never gave up on anyone. She loved her friends, even those that didn't deserve it. She forgave easily, always willing to give a second chance.

She had endless energy, though she was always perfectly willing to cuddle with me on the couch while watching a musical. She had a face that you just couldn't say no to, no matter how hard you tried, and she rarely asked for anything. She would do just about anything for anyone.

And she loved...loves...me more than anything. I knew everything about her, from her favorite color to her most carefully guarded secrets. I was the one she came to when she needed a shoulder to cry on. I was the one that protected her, defended her, looked out for her and I was the one there to take away all the pain I could.

And I was the one who knew she was going to die.

They say time heals all wounds. But I don't think that's true. Time may take away some of the hurt, but the pain is always there. Sometimes its better, sometimes it's worse, but it never truly goes away.

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on...when in your heart you begin to understand...there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend...some hurts that go too deep...that have taken hold.

Sometimes, you have no choice but to go on. You don't forget, you never forget, but you go on. Because really, what other choice do you have?