Chapter -1

A long time ago before when this story takes place a whole bunch of important and powerful people were in possession of holy pickaxes. The pickaxes beheld a mighty power and allowed the beholder to be possessed with an almighty magic. These powerful men were called the Treandruffs. And for years the Treandruffs lived in peace with their power. Until one dark and rainy day, of course it was bad weather, one of their own Eranuiz betrayed them!! There’s a climatic event in this story that I bet you weren’t expecting!! He used his power and destroyed all of the Treandruffs and their pickaxes. Or so he thought, but in reality he missed one of the pickaxes, which was dropped in the bottom of a raging river by it’s owner just before he was maliciously murdered by Eranuiz. Eranuiz took over the world of Dreindid and evil triumphed, because well evil always does in the beginning of novels like these, you know? No one had actually seen Eranuiz for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time, but the people of Dreindid knew that he still existed for his henchmen of evil looking things that looked, well, evil, for that is what they were. They killed a bunch of seemingly innocent people, but I’m sure they had their reasons. They were probably hungry or something.

These evil henchmen of Eranuiz were called the Xphnmrns’trnzx, and the greatest of them was Gaeorg, and he ruled over the Xphnmrns’trnzx with a fist of iron (really, it was! His hand was cut off by a very sharp rock after he took a fall from a very high wall. His arm was severed and he had Eranuiz bestow upon him an arm and fist of iron. Ooh, the thought of such evil things chills my bones!) and very sharp, nasty, pointy teeth. Once, the Xphnmrns’trnzx came upon a very quiet, serene village filled with happy people who danced, ate, slept, and got drunk. “These people are too happy for our EVIL empire!” Gaeorg shouted and all the Xphnmrns’trnzx became aroused by their sadist desires. “Crush them!! Rape! Kill! Pillage! Burn!”

And thus, all the innocent people of the happy little town in the Middle of Nowhere were slaughtered. This task was made easier by their drunkenness. When they were all dead/raped, Gaeorg cried, “We eat!” And so they did. As mentioned earlier, they were probably hungry or something.

Once a year, Eranuiz allowed his citizens to gather in a great big line and ask him questions, but before they asked a question, they had to sacrifice a massive Californian cow to his holiness.

“Oh great king Eranuiz,” asked one. “How do we tell the line between the Blue Sea and the Very Blue Sea?”

“Oh, uh…” Eranuiz replied. “One’s more blue than the other.”

“Thank you, oh gracious king!”

“NEXT!”

A peasant came stumbling forth. “Your mom’s so fat, man she’s bigger than you!”

KABOOM!

The peasant was no more.

And now time to meet the hero of our story. A young man by the name of Giviniadus, lived in the lands of The Middle Of Nowhere. But the only question was where was where? He had a tragic beginning to his life, just like any hero. His parents were tragically killed in some fashion that he did not know for his uncle did not tell him for the horrors were way too horrific for his young age of 19. He lived on a penguin farm with his uncle, and worked tirelessly all day long with amusing the penguins with his awesome kettle drum skills. In his free time he dreamt of bigger worlds.

“I dream of things of which are out there, things I have not seen, but wish to deeply.” He stated to himself. “One day I will see it, whatever it may be that I wish to see, whatever is out there.” He pinky swore himself. He stared up at his giant totem pole, and sighed.

“Boy get over here!” His uncle called from far away in the far away distance. He ran over to where his uncle stood. “Go get me some crops, from in town, I am hungry.” He handed Giviniadus a not so shinny coin, for in the real world coins are all dirty and stuff, you need some alcohol to make them shinny. Giviniadus made his way into town.

The town was quite small – it only had a standing population of 30. Everyone looked, well, weird from all the inbreeding. As Giviniadus made his way to the farmers’ market, a strange old fool jumped in front of him and asked, “Hey kid!?” He looked around cautiously with a suspicious look on his face. “You wanna go smoke some uh…things I have here?”

“What…yes!! I mean, uh…no. Smoking kills.”

“Come on, man. I worked hard to get the money to get the money to buy these things.”

“If you worked so hard for them, why would you just give them away to me?”

“’Cause I’m a crazy old man!” Without warning or provocation, he began doing the hokey pokey. “Turn yourself around…” he said drunkenly. “Shiiiiit.”

“What?”

“Are you staring at me?”
“Uh…no!”

“Then what are you staring at, boy?”

“I’m staring at that octopus over there. It’s got some crazy hieroglyphics on that wall.”

“See, you are staring at me!”

Giviniadus remembered a lesson his old uncle taught him: “Never, ever, no matter what, talk to ospreys.” As far as Giviniadus was concerned, this crazy old man reminded him of an osprey. So, Giviniadus walked away and into the wall with the crazy-ass hieroglyphics, and suddenly…

KABOOM!

The wall and the octopus were no more.

“Whoa man, you got like magic powers!” said the crazy old man.

“No, walls explode every day. It was the octopus’s fault.”

The man started looking around again and came very uncomfortably close to Giviniadus and whispered, “Kid, if you follow me, I’ve got a little something for you.”

Forgetting the man was a crazy osprey, Giviniadus foolishly followed the fool like a fool, as fools often tend to foolishly do. When they arrived at a very secluded place, the old man whipped from beneath his dress a great pickaxe.

“Look what I found in the river the other day! I think it’s like magical or something!”

KABOOM!

The crazy old man whose ways were like the osprey was inevitably and surely no more.

“Well that wasn’t good.” Giviniadus stared down at the golden pickaxe with envy. “I want that.” He bent down and heard the pickaxe speak to him.

“Giviniadus…”

“Who the hell is that?”

“It’s me…the biggest goddamn pickaxe in the WORLD!!” And evil laughter of great evilness came hence.

“I’m going to take you home. You look like a good reap of crops to me.”

When he went home and his uncle saw him returning with no crops, he shouted, “Where are my crops, boy!? I told you to get me crops and what do you bring home? A goddamn pickaxe!”

KABOOM!

The uncle was no more.

“UNCLE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!²”

After this commenced a very dramatic moment with saddening string music playing in the background, thanks to an invisible string orchestra, and Giviniadus cried himself to sleep.

When he woke up, he found his home and the village burned to the ground. Apparently, the Xphnmrns’trnzx came through and burned everything to the ground in search of him and the great pickaxe, but failed to see Giviniadus lying in the middle of the road in plain sight with the biggest goddamn pickaxe in the WORLD!!

He looked around at all the bodies of his ‘friends’ from town, which surrounded him. In actuality he had no friends, for everyone hated him and his immense dim-wittedness, he just thought they loved him. Tears started to well up in his already tearful eyes. If this was a movie Giviniadus looked directly into the camera and said full of emotion and emotionally:

“I will avenge my friends!!” Dramatic music comes in as the camera zooms out to reveal Giviniadus in the middle of a charcoaled field of dead bodies. The director yells cut.

Later that same day our young hero was trudging through the forest in search of the Xphnmrns’trnzx. He looked around wondering where they had gone, and where the hell he was. Then suddenly a sword pointed directly at his heartal area!!

Giviniadus spun around to find swords pointed at every area. The sword carriers looked a great deal evil. But of course they were not, which Giviniadus soon found out as they captured him and brought him to their leader, whom proclaimed Giviniadus as a friend. Giviniadus sighed in relief as he heard the news. He was not to be stabbed in many areas, at least not today. “Welcome my friend.” The king shook Giviniadus’ hand. “You shall call me, the Almighty Smart Samuel!” The king had a booming voice. “Or just ASS, so the author does not have to type Almighty Smart Samuel every time I am mentioned in this epic tale.”

“Hello ASS!” Giviniadus said excitedly, as he made a new friend. This guy was apparently smart, which might help him in the search of the Xphnmrns’trnzx.

Suddenly ASS gasped. “You carry the mighty pickaxe. The big ASS PICKAXE!” ASS’s voice squeaked as he stared jumping up and down like a drunken chap costumed up as the Easter Bunny. He suddenly grabbed Giviniadus by the shoulder and got close to him. “My dear boy,” he said, “you are the chosen one!”

HOLD ON! Just a second let me catch my breath that is SHOCKING!!

Okay I’m good now.

“The Chosen one?!” Giviniadus asked surprised like the rest of us.

“Yes, you are the one that rids us of Eranuiz.”

“But how?”

“By smiting him with your mighty pickaxe, of course.”

“But I never wanted any of this to happen.” Giviniadus suddenly broke into a full fledged meltdown! “I just want to find the Xphnmrns’trnzx and avenge my town!”

“Well I may help you with that.” ASS proclaimed proudly. “But first you must promise me, if I help you find the Xphnmrns’trnzx, you will kill Eranuiz.” It seemed like a pretty good deal to Giviniadus. After all he was already risking his life for no apparent reason, why not do it again?

“Deal, where can I find them?” He asked.

“Well first you must go to the Forest of Utmost Peril in Bad Guy Land. You find the Xphnmrns’trnzx lurking there.” Well the Forest of Utmost Peril didn’t sound so bad. “But before you reach them you will encounter the Killapilla!” Everyone surrounding ASS and Giviniadus gasped and dramatically fainted.

“What’s the Killapilla?” Giviniadus whispered, frightened.

“It’s only the most treacherous thing in the entire world! It was once a cute little caterpillar, a fuzzy one, and then it went into its cocoon. But when it was in the process of development our world went into a nuclear war, and mutations happened. IT became the most fatal, horrible, deadly thing EVER!” Giviniadus winced in horror. “But don’t worry I’m sure you’ll manage to survive, I think. So anyways you must be off. I shall give you a guide on your voyage. He will train you and teach you how to fight.”

“But I already know how.” Of course your hero had many practice with a sword, for he practiced as a kid, you know just in case he was the chosen one or something.

“You can always learn.” ASS said. A man stepped out from behind ASS. He was black, big and his fro was probably bigger than Giviniadus’ Big Ass Pickaxe!

“What the hell you still doin’ here you piece of beast shit? Lets get goin! Get a move on! We got no shit to waste up here in da crib!” Giviniadus quickly turned and like any hero would do, ran for his bloody life (He’s British now okay, he bloody ran). He turned and looked back at the daunting man.

“You frighten me!” He cried, wanting Roget his teddy bear. He looked at ASS. “He frightens me!”

“This is okay. Use his knowledge!”

“I don’t want to! You purposely made him scary!! You did it!” Giviniadus now had a small seizure.

Quickly everyone froze in their place as Giviniadus was rushed to the nearest hospital. They treated him and put him back in his place in the story. The characters unfroze and resumed their scene.

“You did it, I trusted you! I HATE YOU!”

KABOOM!

ASS was no more.

Giviniadus seemed unaffected at this occurrence, and he just continued to stare at the scary man in terror. The man’s face turned from amusing to enraged to amusing again and then back to enraged. “What do you think you be doin’ boy?” Giviniadus shrugged.

“What did I do?” he asked confused as people swarmed around the used to be ASS, and picking up his remains.

“You blew up the great ASS, that is what you do!” uh-oh thought Giviniadus thought, he was going to get savagely murdered just because he blew up some king. “How the hell did you do that?” The big man got all upon Giviniadus, and Giviniadus cowered in the man’s mighty supremacy. “What, I can’t be all up in yo grill?” Giviniadus bit his trembling lip. “I asked you a god damn question! How in the holy hell did you do that?”

“I don’t know.” And Giviniadus didn’t know, and neither do we, but I’m sure this problem will be solved by the end of this novel, so just hang in there. The man suddenly smiled showing his own grillz.

“Alright, give me some fist, Homedog!” Giviniadus’ nervously tapped his fist with the man’s. “I hated that cocky son of a bitch.” Givinadus was surprised at the man’s response. “So like the dead guy said I be your tutor. My boys call me J’mal back home in the hood. I will teach you how to be dominant, be burly, and kick the shit out of every redneck that come to you. Are you ready for this shit?” Givinadus shrugged.

“I guess.” He mumbled.

“What’s that I didn’t hear you, boy!” Jamal cupped his ear.

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s what I thought.” He slapped Givinadus’ back, hard.

“Ow.” Our protagonist winced.

“Oh hell, no you did not say, ‘ow’. Gansta’s do not say ‘ow’. Now lets go!”

Chapter -2

The unlikely pair made their way across lands, oceans, seas, bays, plateaus, deltas, mountains, hills, prairies, and CONTINENTS! Thirty minutes after they had set out, they stopped to rest. They sat down on a giant boulder which was conveniently placed right in the midst of their trail. “I am exhausted.” Giviniadus said and sighed. “I need to sleep.”

“What do you speak of in your strange ass tongue of yours?”

“I am tired.”

“You scrawny bitch. Be physically powerful and don’t be pathetic.”

“Um…”

“I will teach you.” J’mal stood up. “Stand up fool.” Giviniadus slowly stood up and followed his guru into the middle of the field. J’mal stooped down and picked up branches that came from the nonexistent trees in the area. He slapped one of the branches into Giviniadus’ hand. “Look at me.” Giviniadus looked at the man and shuddered for he saw pure hatred in his contender’s eyes. “You look petrified. Do not let me see your fear. Scare the shit out of me. You will weaken your foe, by scaring the absolute shit out of his ass. You hear me, boy?” Giviniadus nodded slowly. “Well glare at me then, bro.” Giviniadus scrunched up his face and tried to make his most terrifying stare. “Man, you look like a constipated hen.”

“I’m not a woman chicken!” Giviniadus said angrily and full of wrath.

“That’s it, you just scared me there. Well at least it was better than that thing you just do with your face. Now say something threatening to me.”

“Umm…” Giviniadus searched for his words.

“That just made me piss my shorts.” J’mal said sarcastically. He waited patiently as Giviniadus searched for the words. Ten minutes later he pulled out a bong and started smoking up his prized drugs, to calm him down for surely he was going to bust a cap up this boy’s ass.

“I’VE GOT ONE!” Giviniadus said excitedly and J’mal drew out of his pshycadelic phase. “Okay this is good.”

“Then why don’t you speak it?”

“Okay…um…wait…oh yeah…you’re mom’s really really stupid.” Giviniadus looked proud and J’mal just looked at him. Finally Giviniadus realized that his teacher was looking at him with a look of disgust and his smile faded.

“What the hell was that? That was brainless!”

“Oh.” Giviniadus looked at the ground. “I thought it was intellectual.”

“Pssh. Intellectual my black ass! You need to search inside of you. When you see me standing before you in all of my gantsa glory what are you thinkin’?”

“I don’t really want to strike you down, but you say that I must, and then you say that I had to make something up menacing to say. I said something really brilliant and then you shot it down, and now I just want to leave and smoke some of those drugs you got there and I”-

“SHUT UP!” Giviniadus zippered his mouth shut with his hands. “You were saying that you want my weed. Use that. Pretend that if you do not get my stash you will burn into oblivion.”

“But I won’t burn into an”

“Pretend!! Use that ‘great’ imagination of yours.” Giviniadus shut his eyes in deep concentration. He opened them up.

“I want your god damn weed you imbecile!” He said it so passionately that fire burst from his eyes, seriously, like a dragon.

“Damn.”

The training was pretty much that. Jamal tried his hardest to teach Giviniadus the ways of the Ghetto, but Giviniadus wasn’t so good at it, but at least he tried. Giviniadus thought that he was doing a miraculous job in his learnings. He was ready to fight, fight and conquer. Conquer all! He was becoming to want power, and money. He was turning into an evil tyrant.

Or so he thought. In reality he was no more hazardous than a wombat in the rain…

Chapter-3

Deep in the wastelands of Bad-Guy Land, Eranuiz towered over the last Treandruff in his dungeon, whom he cloned and repeatedly killed for his own amusement. Before killing, he always spent an exceedingly long time ranting, you know unintentionally giving time for the victim’s friends to come raging in and saving him from horrible destruction.

“You, little Treandruff!” bellowed Eranuiz. “You are nothing! And I am something!”

The Treandruff screamed in horror and groped at his very fluffy facial hair.

“At last, you will die at my hands! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

The Treandruff’s screams filled the dungeon and the ground below became filled with facial hair. His cheeks sweated and his buckteeth chattered.

“Look at you, you miserable little monster! Today is the day you die!! You thought you had hope, but I’m too evil to ever let people have hope, happiness, and food in their bellies!!”

The Treandruff whimpered and wailed.

“Now, you are mine. You will fall. The Treandruffs will all be DEAD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now, prepare to die…after I say this: long will you suffer and be in pain, and…”

Five hours later…

“Your screams will fill throughout the land that will soon become MINE!” The Treandruff continued his cowering, and Eranuiz unsheathed his evil sword. “And yes, now the”-

Suddenly a humble, humble servant entered the dark and pika filled dungeon. “Uhh, master?” The servant asked nervously. This servant wasn’t the smartest servant in the land, but the bad-guy’s servants are always a little, lets just say they don’t have all the china in the cupboard.

“What?” Eranuiz said a little annoyed to say the least.

“That one thing that you were looking for was uh, found.” The servant snorted.

“What the hell are you talking about? What is this thing?”

“Well you know that one weapon thing that held some power of sorts. Oh I can’t remember what it’s called. Weinbarg just told me to. Ugh! This is going to bother me all day”-

“Are you talking about the HOLY BIG ASS PICKAXE!” Eranuiz said angrily.

“That’s it!” The servant said excitedly. “The big ass pickaxe was just found.”

“WHAT!?” Eranuiz quickly spun around out of rage, and suddenly a large high pitched scream filled throughout the land. The Treandruff was no more, out of his rage Eranuiz accidentally stabbed the thing.

“NO!! I wasn’t done with him.” Eranuiz was filled with woe.

Chapter-4

Giviniadus and J’mal finally were reaching the Forest of Utmost Peril. It was a happy moment. Relief was in sight in the perilous forests. There was much rejoicing, and there was even a small fiesta.

“SALSA!” J’mal exclaimed. They were done rejoicing for the task at hand was a heavy burden on their souls. Out of nowhere a giant thing stood in front of J’mal and Giviniadus’ path. It looked nothing like a bumblebee. It was black and yellow, fluffy and had wings. It even buzzed.

“Hello!” It buzzed. “I am super duper honey bumblebee!” J’mal angrily pulled out his ghetto sword and gashed the thing up into pieces.

“Bitch.” He said under his breath.

“It’s okay. Now it will decay and provide nutrients to the soil.” Giviniadus said happily. J’mal glared at him like he couldn’t even believe what our hero just said.

“You need to shut the hell up or you’re going to be providing nutrients to the soil too.” That sure shut up Giviniadus…for a few seconds. They finally arrived into the Forest of Utmost Peril. It looked like a regular forest to Giviniadus, but he knew that death was immanent.

Suddenly out of nowhere, except somewhere, there appeared a large tower. Giviniadus looked up at the tower in curiosity. “What the hell is this piece of shit doing in here?” J’mal asked incredulously. J’mal was right it was a piece of shit. It could barely even be considered a tower. It stood just over seven feet tall and was made out of cardboard.

“Help.” A feeble voice was heard from inside it.

“Hello?” Giviniadus answered but his mouth was quickly covered up by J’mal hands.

“Don’t talk to anyone, or anything. It could be an evil cockroach ho’!” Jamal warned. Giviniadus bit J’mal’s hand. “What the shit?” J’mal held his hand. “That was way too fruity, man!”

“Sorry.” Giviniadus said ashamed of himself. He looked back up at the tower. A glowing pretty maiden appeared on the tower. There seemed to be a chorus of angels while Giviniadus looked up at her. He quickly turned around and in fact there were angels singing behind them, but none the less the girl was beautiful.

“Help.” The girl said again.

“Dukh.” Giviniadus said and a cognitively disabled sounding voice, for he did not know what to say.

“What’s you’re problem?” She asked looking at Giviniadus like he was a piece of rotting fungi. Giviniadus quickly straightened himself up.

“What may I help you with?” Giviniadus asked and saw J’mal hit himself in the nuts out of anger.

“I wasn’t talking to you; I was talking to the black guy behind you. You don’t look like you could save any kind of living being.” Giviniadus sighed, she was so astounding. She turned to J’mal.

“Can you help me?” She asked him.

“Who’s ho’ are you?”

“Oh! I’m Princess Adrianna.” PRINCESS! Of course she’s a princess I mean who else gets locked up in a tower, princess’ always manage to do so. “My mother locked me up here for no apparent reason five years ago when I was twelve. I need someone to help me escape from my prison.”

“Five years? You’ve been up there for five years, you poor”-Giviniadus started.

“Shut up I wasn’t talking to you.” Adrianna glared at him.

“Why don’t you just jump off the edge?” J’mal asked looking at her like she didn’t have the mental capacity to even tie her own shoes.

“Oh I never even thought of that!” She happily jumped out of her prison. Giviniadus happily jumped up and down excitedly. He saved a damsel from distress. He was a hero, and she was so beautiful and kind. “Yes. You’re a genius.” Adrianna went up to J’mal and hugged him. He was a little unsure of what to do. He awkwardly patted her on the back.

“Oh, a hug fest!” Giviniadus said eagerly. He walked up to J’mal after Adrianna pulled away and pulled him into his arms.

“Boy, get the hell off of me! You’re the frikin Fruit of the loom!” Giviniadus quickly pulled away and tripped on a twig. He fell right onto his puny ass.

“Owww.” He whined. He looked up at Adrianna who had laughter in her eyes. “Hey, do you want to kiss my booboo and make it all better?” He put his ass in the air. The next thing he knew he felt a sharp pain in his head. He looked up at Adrianna and saw a stick in her hand with a disgusted look on her face. Suddenly she gasped and pointed at the big ass pickaxe.

“That’s gold! Do you think you could melt it down and make me a crown out of it for me?” She asked Giviniadus. Our hero got up and faced his love.

“Anything for you.” Jamal whacked him across the head.

“Owww. Can people stop hitting me?”

“We will once you stop being a complete idiot ass! This is the big ass pick axe. I don’t care how beautiful someone is you will not waste it on them. Let’s get our asses in gear and go face the goddamn peril already.” The two males started on their way.

“WAIT!” Adrianna was suddenly in front of them looking livid. “Did you forget about anyone?” She put her hands on her hips.

“Uh, no. Who were we forgetting?” Giviniadus said confused.

“ME! You imbecile!”

“Oh yeah. Can she come along?” Giviniadus asked J’mal.

“Hell no.” And so it was that two became three.

It was getting eerily darker in the Forest of Utmost Peril. Either it was getting more perilous or it was just night. Our band of heroes decided that it was time to go beddy-bye. J’mal created fire by rubbing two sticks together because he’s just good like that. “Awww shit man.” He said as he stared at his masterpiece. “Check this shit out! I’ve made fire, bitch!”

Giviniadus stared at the flames in awe. He could never make a fire like a crazed barbarian, ever. Not even if his puny good for nothing life depended on it.

“What’s so great about that?” Adrianna replied, staring at the fire not impressed. “I could make fire if I wanted to, too.” She pulled out a flamethrower from under her dress.

“Damn.” J’mal retorted.

“Ahhh!” Giviniadus fled the scene like any normal hero would do. Twenty minutes later a roaring fire blazed in the woods, making to characters easy to spot by enemies, but that was not the concern Giviniadus’ mind at the moment. Adrianna was. “The whole forest is burning because of your scary flame throwing thingy.” Giviniadus whined at Adrianna. Okay so he’s not the best at showing that he’s interested in someone.

“So. We’re warm now.”

“We weren’t cold to begin with.”

“I’d say you’re always firkin cold.” Adrianna stormed away and on lay on the burned ground in the distance. J’mal walked up from behind Giviniadus quietly…too quietly.

“Damn that bitch is cold.” He looked over at her with an intimidated look in his eyes.

“I will now declare my for her.” Giviniadus said breathlessly. “I love her.”

“Shit man. She hates you. She wants to bust a cap up your non-existent ass.”

“She does.”

“No shit.”

“Oh.” Giviniadus promptly started to bawl. J’mal rolled his eyes and pulled out a joint. Suddenly Giviniadus stopped. “Hey, you’re my mentor person. Teach me the ways to woo a woman. The ghetto ways.”

“Damn straight.” So the training began. “Okay first things first. They care about what you look like. They wanna know if you got the shit. And you don’t. This’ll be hard, but we’ll make you have the shit.” Giviniadus looked at himself. He thought he already was the shit. “First you need to learn the walk.” J’mal showed Giviniadus the “ghetto walk”. Giviniadus followed suit, well sort of. J’mal hit himself in the head repeatedly. He didn’t think that he was that bad of a teacher, but it was the best that he could do.

“Now, more importantly you need to know the talk.”

It was time. It was time for Giviniadus to win the heart of a heartless lass. She was asleep, but that didn’t matter. It would not stop Giviniadus. He started jumping up and down cawing like a raven. It looked as if he was doing some sort of tribal dance.

Adrianna finally woke up and she didn’t look so happy, as you can imagine. She looked over at Giviniadus with an incredulous look on her face. She turned over to J’mal who was shaking his head vigorously at Giviniadus. Giviniadus saw that Adrianna was up and stopped his rain dance. He started towards her doing the “ghetto walk.” He finally reached her. She had a beautiful, disgusted look on her face. He smiled, it was working. He could already tell that she was in love with him.

“Yo, Baby. You want some of this shit?” He said awkwardly.

“Hell, no. get away from me, you creep!” She stated walking away. Oh she was playing hard to get, Giviniadus thought excitedly. She must really have feelings for him.

“Hey, don’t run away from me, bitch!” Giviniadus failed to see J’mal signaling him to stop frantically.

“What did you call me?” She spun around, pissed off.

“Umm, want some weed?” Giviniadus asked. She talked to him. It was an exciting day.

“You imbecile. Sad excuse for a MAN!” Adrianna screamed. The next thing Giviniadus saw was her fist and all was black.

Well needless to say, it was a failed attempt, but not in Giviniadus’ mind. The next day our heroes continued their journey. They found themselves in a meadow. It was quite a beautiful meadow. “Look Daises!” Giviniadus skipped away from the group.

“Aw Hell no! Giviniadus get back here!” J’mal ran after our rather ADD hero.

“Daises! Daises! Daises!” Giviniadus continued to skip trough the field. J’mal caught up to Giviniadus and slapped punched him in the head. “Owww. I was enjoying the daises. Did you know that the famous Jaeman the Great gave peonies to”-

“I don’t give a shit. Don’t leave your homies. Don’t go wandering off. This here’s a dangerous place, shiiiit!” J’mal’s eyes started twitching madly as if they belonged to a madman.

“What”- Giviniadus stopped as he looked at the thing standing behind him. It was a CATIPILLAR! Giviniadus screeched, like a hawk set on fire. “Wait. What am I screaming for?”

“It’s, It’s, It’s the,” J’mal took a deep dramatic breath for effect. “Damn KILLAPILLA!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” Giviniadus screamed in agony as he looked at the little morsel of a creature in front of him. This was the end of their journey. He wouldn’t be able to face that. Suddenly, the Killapilla started to grow, as if it were a disease. It grew, grew, and grew. Yet our heroes were too terrified to do anything. It grew to the size of Giviniadus’ torso. Giviniadus heard J’mal unsheathe his sword, but Giviniadus was too fixated on the monster to unsheathe his. The Killapilla suddenly made a giant noise. It was a noise that made the flesh crawl and made a man grow mad from fear.

“AHHHH!” Giviniadus ran for his life. After a few millennia he made it to the end of the meadow. He dared to look back and saw J’mal fighting the beast. J’mal was on the ground the Killapilla on top of him. Through one last surge of power J’mal lifted up his sword struck down the Killapilla. Giviniadus breathed a sigh of relief. They had defeated the Killapilla, together. It took Giviniadus a few minutes to realize that J’mal was not getting up off of the ground.

He ran back to his mentor to save him. J’mal lay on the ground breathing heavily. “Damn.” He muttered. “I knew I should have quit drugs. I was going to go to one of those meetin’s, but getting high was more fun, now look at me, a piece of shit”-

“J’mal?” Giviniadus announced his presence as he stood over his only not-so-friend.
“You!” Giviniadus said and took a huge gulp of air. “ I’m going to die.” He said dramatically.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!” Giviniadus screamed in agony once more. “You can’t leave me. You still need to train me and I can’t”- I won’t bother telling you what Giviniadus said, it would take too long. But he went into this long speech on how he would miss J’mal and all that. When Giviniadus was finally done, J’mal beckoned him to come closer to him, to give him some final words of advice.

“Wait.” Suddenly J’mal stood up. “I’m ALIVE! I feel better, bitch.”

“HOORAY!” Giviniadus cheered and hugged his mentor. “I love you!”

“Get off me, bitch.” J’mal pushed away.

“But I love you.”

“I sure as hell don’t love you. But I’m better, I’m alive!” J’mal laughed, but his laugh was interrupted by a random flying boulder that landed right on the great mentor.

He was dead.

Chapter-5

Givinadus and Adrianna J’mal in the meadow. It seemed like a proper burial. Besides they would never be able to lift the boulder. Adrianna was pissed, and looked sad. Giviniadus was more confused about where to go next. This was no time grieve. They were on a mission. An important mission. “Wait.” Giviniadus interrupted Adrianna’s tears. “Where’s the bad guy. I don’t know where to go.” Giviniadus started spinning around madly, freaking out.

“Pull yourself together. I know where to go.” Adrianna said and started leading the way. They set off , and soon found themselves in a dark wasteland. It was all full of ash, for no apparent reason, and the sky was all dark, for no apparent reason, and it smelled bad, well because Giviniadus was there. “We’re here.” Adrianna whispered to Giviniadus. “It’s Bad Guy Land!” They both looked at it and started to cower in all of its evilness.

“Onward!” Giviniadus pointed the Big Ass Pickaxe and pointed it in front of him. Adrianna pulled him back quickly.

“Wait, we can’t be seen.”

“Why?” Adrianna rolled her eyes.

“They’d murder us in some cruel and unusual fashion if we get caught.”

“Oh. Okay, lets be quiet.” Giviniadus looked up at Eranuiz’ castle that towered over Bad guy Land. It certainly looked malevolent.

From inside the castle Eranuiz looked down at our heroes, because he could see them perfectly, because he was good like that. He laughed nastily. “They’re coming.” He said to no one in particular. “And when they come. I’ll be ready for them.” He laughed out another evil laugh, that filled the whole room and land.

A laugh filled the lands when Adrianna and Giviniadus neared the castle. The laugh made the two of them shiver violently as if they had some horrific sickness. They were almost to the castle gate. Don’t ask me how they got there unnoticed. Magic! Perhaps. Giviniadus stopped and turned to Adrianna. “Listen. I won’t let you go with me.” He said all noble, like. “It’s too dangerous.” Of course it was dangerous, it was the Bad Guy’s castle. “It’s even more dangerous than the Killapilla! I won’t let you sacrifice yourself. I love you.” He said breathlessly.

“I wasn’t about to sacrifice myself for you anyways. So long.” She turned around and left Giviniadus standing there, not really knowing what just happened. He nodded. She loved him. He looked back at his definite destruction. He couldn’t run away now. Or could he? No he had to move on.

He walked up to the front gate and walked inside. There were no guards because Eranuiz was just too evil for that. Giviniadus found himself standing in front of a large staircase.

Up, up ,up the stairs he went with his Big Ass Pick-Axe in his hands. Finally he came to a giant room and a huge shadow stood in the window. The shadow cackled. “I have been waiting for you.” Eranuiz said and slowly turned around. Giviniadus gasped at his evilness. He appeared to be a giant fuzz ball with sharp, cruel fangs. “It’s nice to finally meet you, the Chosen One. Look at the Big Ass Pick-axe. I will destroy it soon.”

“No you won’t.” Giviniadus said his voice shaking.

“Right, and who’s going to stop me.”

“I am!” Giviniadus charged towards the bad guy. Eranuiz reached down and picked Giviniadus up by his hair.

AHHH!” Giviniadus screamed in pain. “That hurts. Can you put me down?”

“No.” Eranuiz laughed.

“Please.” Giviniadus said in a small voice.

“Damn. You said the magic word.” Eranuiz let go of Giviniadus. “Now I shall kill you, Giviniadus. This is the end. The whole world will know your story. How you feebly attempted to take my life. How you cried for mercy”-

“I’m not crying for mercy. Please don’t kill me!” Giviniadus started to sob.

“Ha Ha, but I will, right now!” Eranuiz pulled out one evil looking sword from his fuzz. Giviniadus started sobbing more now. “Goodbye, Giviniadus.” Eranuiz slowly raised up his sword, but then stopped in mid-air. From behind him stood Adrianna who had stabbed him in the back. “Damn it.” Eranuiz said angrily.

“Stab him with The Big Ass Pick-Axe, Giviniadus!” Adrianna yelled at him. Slowly Giviniadus stood up and looked into Eranuiz eyes, which looked terrified.

“But I don’t want to. I don’t want to kill nobody.” Giviniadus said sadly.

“But you have to.” Adrianna said annoyed. Giviniadus took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and struck down Eranuiz.

A large scream filled throughout the land. Bad Guys started to drop dead left and right, because if one bad guy dies, they all die, it’s just common sense. Everything evil was destroyed in that one moment, just like magic.

KABOOM!

Eranuiz was no more.

The Good Guys won! Giviniadus starting jumping up and down happily. “I did it, I did it, I did it!” He chanted.

“No, we did it. Together.” Adrianna said coming up to him.

“Hey don’t take all the credit. I did it single handedly by myself.” Adrianna rolled her eyes.

“You’re such a jackass.” She then kissed him on the lips. Don’t ask me how it happened, but the hero always has to get the girl, duh!

So there you have it the epic of our lifetime. The moral of this story is; no matter how much of a dipshit you are, you can save the world, with a lot of help.