Fifth-column General Stein was sitting on a granite bench in the Kew Gardens, sipping gazpacho from a bowl and working on his latest opus-he was a closet artist, and he’d rather his army not know about his obsession with expressing his feelings. He stared agog at his latest creation; a drill plan lasting only seven hundred-fifty seconds. How, one might suppose, could he manage such a feat?

Well, in the fug of England one could only hope to be entertained with their own thoughts long enough to forget about the grave, dreary weather. In his salad days, he’d had a cold heart, and his creativity hadn’t flowed properly but now…now, as a general overseeing his own army to infiltrate the enemy later that afternoon, he could express his emotions in any old fashion!

Amid the Kew Gardens Stein could see as his troops came forward in their repetitive pattern, twenty soldiers across by eighty long. Stein absconded from the troops in an exotic plant from South Africa, the hair on his arms rising in horripilation; he knew if his opus turned sour he would be fired, but one could always hope…

His troops stopped in a strict pattern, and one came forward from all the rest, ready to direct in all his army splendor. He resembled an orchestra instructor, raising his arms as if he were going to make a conductor’s wand appear from his hands.

“Attention!” the conductor shouted briskly as all troops stood rigidly. He barked another order and they began to disperse, looking grand at first but slowly bowing their heads and backs towards the ground in a simian fashion. General Stein watched in anticipation, waiting for the magic to begin.

His opus had been about the evolution of man, if one must know. And, since he’d been given orders by commanders to create a new drill for the troops, he figured he might as well make it as flashy as he wanted before they realized his aestheticism was too great for them to appreciate.

One by one, the soldiers turned into complete monkeys, looking far too ridiculous for any enemy to take seriously, but too unorganized to be lethal in times of battle. General Stein clapped his hands together in delight, knowing he’d found the perfect drill for his army.

Yes, by using his creativity he’d come up with a splendid way to be as aesthetic as he wanted, and he’d used it for the power of good! He’d found a way to make his army more successful in their drills and now, surely, they would conquer the enemy as they trampled over that afternoon!

Too bad the drill was so absurd he knew that, come tonight, he would have to resign…

Oh well, some art was understood, and other art was…well, abstract but appreciative.

General Stein continued to watch in awe as his troops finished their drill, proud that he was the one who’d gotten those little monkeys to behave in a way he knew they’d absolutely adore!