Sorry it took so long! I'll be faster next time.

Chapter 1: Wife Hunting and All Its Pomegranates

Hades sat on his throne, bored to tears. “ARGH! THERE’S NOTHING TO DO DOWN HERE!!” he yelled to no one in particular.

His father’s roar answered from the no so far away pit of Tartarus, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!”

Hades ignored him; he was used to such outbreaks. “Hmm… how to entertain myself…” He looked around the dark underground palace. It looked… Greek with all those pillars and such. His abode was drilled from the surrounding rock. The walls were gray and unexciting. Normally the Greeks would build something for the gods out of white and exciting marble, but did Hades get luxuries like that? No. Figures.

As he thought about it, he spoke aloud, “That makes me angry… so… ANGRY!!”

“LOUD NOISES!!”

“Gods, I’m bored!” he sighed and let his head fall back against the throne.

At that moment, Hades’ inner voice (or a writer’s convenience. Call it what you will) spoke. “You should get a wife,” it said in a deep voice that seemed to carry around the room.

“Yeah, I should! Every other immortal gets to! Even monsters, which is really weird…”

And so he did…

Hades burst onto the scene of Mount Olympus, right in front of Zeus. “Oniichan!!”

“You’re not allowed up here! …and no speaking Japanese in my palace. You know what happened last time…”

Hades didn’t know what happened last time. “Riiight… Listen! I need to ask you a favor…”

“…Is it your rash again?”

Hermes, who happened to be near by, couldn’t help overhearing the conversation and burst into hysterics. Ares, also sitting nearby, left the room muttering, “I don’t even want to know…”

Hades blushed. “No. I was actually wondering if you’d… umm…” He stopped mid-sentence, thinking this was probably a bad idea. He shut his eyes, expecting the worst, “…if you would let me marry someone.” He finished in a hurry, garbling the words.

His brother thought a moment. When Zeus spoke, his older brother flinched, expecting pain. None came. “Ah, what the Hades… Sure, take Persephone. She’ll be… good to you.”

Hades’ mouth hung agape in a mixture of joy and shock. Without more ado than necessary (but still some ado), he fled the palace of the gods and arrived in some random meadow. Conveniently, it was the very field of grass where Persephone happened to be picking flowers with three nymphs.

Back at the ranch, Hermes had recovered from his laughter enough to ask Zeus, “You think you should have asked Demeter about this first? She’s her daughter, you know.”

“Yeah, but in Greek society, the mother’s consent is worth less than toilet paper!”

“Oh right, patriarchy… What’s toilet paper?”

Meanwhile, in the random meadow….

Hades (still exuberant), hastily grabbed Persephone, giving her minimal forewarning. Using his godly powers, he teleported them to the underground recesses of the earth.

They arrived in Hades’ dark and under furnished throne room. Before he had the chance to do anything else, Persephone blatantly stated her complaint: “What the hell just happened?”

“Hi!” Hades was essentially bouncing in front of her, a sincerely wide smile stretched across his face.

“Umm… hi?” She took a small step back, slightly freaked out by the strange bouncy man in front of her.

“Marry me!” he said, excited.

“Whoa, back up!” she exclaimed.

Hades bright visage faded in an instant. His eyes became watery and chibi. “Is that a no?” He sniffed a little.

Persephone was moved by his sorrow.

“I’m going to leave now,”

…Or not.

She turned to walk away… and tripped. An explosion of expletives filled the room.

“There’s my spare oar!” cried Charon upon hearing the ruckus. He scooped it up from the spot where the goddess had tripped and fled the scene of his indirect crime.

“Screw walking!” she shouted. She then prepared to do something that is common among the Greeks. Gods, goddesses, even epic heroes have done it before. It is an ironic and somewhat cowardly act, but that has not stopped anyone from doing it anyway… In a whiny voice, she yelled, “MOM!!”

That’s right. They call for their parents. What did Aphrodite do when she was scratched? What about Achilles when his girlfriend was taken away? How about Polyphemus’ minor flesh wound? If the Greeks taught anything, it’s that calling for one’s parents solves all of life’s problems… especially if the parents are gods. Yeah, that last part usually helps a lot.

Demeter burst onto the scene, her my-child-is-in-distress senses tingling.

“My ‘my-child-is-in-distress’ senses are tingling!” she announced, quite unnecessarily. When she spotted Hades, she squealed with delight. “Hades!?”

Her brother’s hand connected with his forehead. “Hello Demi…” he moaned.

“Hades! It is you! Why it’s been so long! How are things going?” She then bombarded him with many questions and gave minimal time for him to answer.

To make the situation worse for Hades, Charon ran into the chamber making a great show of his entrance. “Hades! Hades, the torture wheel broke and along with it my entertainment for the day! …Are you listening? Go fix it!” He stopped when he noticed Demeter, chattering away like a happy squirrel, breaking Hades’ ears. Persephone stood nearby, also annoyed at her mother’s long-winded speech.

“Oh! My Lady, Demeter, has graced us with her presence today!” He bowed low. Demeter went into another flattered and excited speech directed at Charon. He just smiled cutely, nodding at the appropriate times.

“Hey Charon, I think I see a brown spot on your nose…” Persephone cut in scathingly.

“What nose?” he replied coyly, referring to his empty skull of a head.

The goddess of super-speeches continued to talk, “You know, Charon, from the moment I saw Hades I thought: ‘Now there is a child with some issues’. I always believed that if he didn’t crack with insanity, he would grow up to be homosexual.” Charon and Persephone fought hard to control their laughter. Hades fought hard to hide his humiliation. “So tell me this: are you his lover?” Persephone couldn’t hold it. She broke out into hysterics.

“Oh no!” Charon answered, keeping his cool. “Our love is purely plutonic! …Get it?”

There was an awkward pause. “No,” she answered.

“Because his roman name is Pluto...” he clued, urging her onward.

Her face showed a naïve, confused smile. Charon interpreted that as another “no”. His eye sockets narrowed, disappointed with the goddess’s wit. He turned and left without another word.

Demeter, for the first time, noticed her daughter standing near her. “Oh Persephone! You’re here too?”

“Unfortunately…” she said.

“Odd, you don’t seem to be in trouble…”

“I’m endangered via matrimony.”

“You’re getting married?!” Dramatic music played in the background; no one knew where from… “And you didn’t tell me?” More watery chibi eyes...

“I don’t want to! He does!” Persephone pointed an accusing finger at Hades who had until recently blended into the background in shame. He suddenly remembered that he didn't ask his sister’s permission for his overzealous escapade. Impending doom hung over him.

“Hades, why didn’t you tell me!? I could have planned your wedding!” said Demeter.

Persephone was outraged. Hades was relieved she didn’t plan to kill him. Her question still stood. Hades, being Hades, gave the worst possible answer one can give to a woman: “Well, I forgot…”

Livid rage would best describe the following dialogue. “FORGOT!? How could you forget to tell your own sister you were getting married!? Well you suck, Hades! You suck and I hate you! Persephone, we’re leaving!”

The two women prepared to exit, the younger triumphant. And at that moment, something miraculous happened: Hades’ brain, for no apparent reason, began to function. In that amazing five seconds, he formulated a plan.

“Hold on a minute!” he began, approaching Persephone. He held out four little pomegranate seeds, as if offering them to her. “Snack for the road?”

She thought a minute. “Guess it can’t hurt…” Without much thought, she consumed all four at the same time.

Hades then did something he’d always wanted to do: laughed evilly. It was the good evil of laugh; the kind that belongs to a badass villain as opposed to the kind on a Halloween soundtrack. Hades felt warm and tingly inside performing it.

“…What’s so funny?” asked Persephone, bewildered.

“HA!” he finished. “You have fallen into my very elaborate and college educated trap!”

“Did you just poison me?!” She prepared to voluntarily expel the food.

“No, much worse! Now for four months every year, you must come down here to live with me! And we’ll get married!”

There was an awkward silence. “What exactly prevents me from leaving right now?”

“You can’t because you’ve eaten the seeds of a pomegranate!” he answered, still immensely proud of himself.

“What’s so special about pomegranates?” she sounded skeptical.

Hades looked like he had been shot… by the man. “…I…don’t…know…”

“NO! Not pomegranates! They are her mortal enemy!” screamed Demeter. This was news to the other two.

“What?” said Persephone.

“Whew! Uhh, I mean…” Hades coughed. “Uh, all part of my plan!” he said a bit more coolly.

“There is nothing special about pomegranates!!” the girl insisted.

Her mother stood beside her, nearly in tears. “No, I wouldn’t expect you to understand. You were so young…” She let out a single sob, and addressed Hades. “Well, I suppose it can’t be helped. You two will have to marry!”

“What?”

“Yeah! This is great!” Persephone’s new husband shouted. “Hear that ladies? I’m comin’ off the market!” He let out a solid whoop.

“Frick on a stick…” the bride cursed.

“I’m so sad and angry!” cried Demeter. Her tone then became lighter, “I think I’ll take out these negative emotions on my daughter’s friends! Bye now, Sephie! See you in spring!” And with that, Persephone was alone with an extremely happy, and once again bouncy, god.

“Well, the only thing I can do now is do what every wife does: secretly control their husbands, along with the entire house.” She commented.

Hades made a scoffing noise and waved his hand. “Like that’ll ever happen!” he said a bit out of character due to a newfound happiness.

“My feet hurt…” moaned his wife.

“And I will gladly rub them!” he said, whisking her away to a more foot-rubbing suited place.

Charon shouted from outside, “Let’s not invite the parents over!” He shuddered a little, remembering the previous and verbose encounter, and continued to ferry the dead.

Stay tuned! next chapter will feature cerberus! Yay!