Since I Met John Heely
a scene about psychoanalysis

三島　和希
Kazuki Mishima

---

PATIENT
I'm telling you, Doctor Wünderlik, my life has changed dramatically since I met John Heely.

DOCTOR
Please remind me – who is this John Heely?

PATIENT
Very funny, Doc.

DOCTOR
He's some sort of performer, right?

PATIENT
(incredulously)
Performer? He is much more than a performer. He is the most brilliant actor, the most talented director, the most gifted playwright in all of Pittsburgh, or even – and I only say this because I really mean it – the world.

DOCTOR
How did you meet this man?

PATIENT
It was the most incredible twist of fate! I was buying hemorrhoid cream at Shop 'Til You Pop and I asked one of the shelf-stockers whether there were any samples I could try in the store. But he wasn't a shelf-stocker. He was John Heely!

DOCTOR
(concerned)
You were looking for a hemorrhoid cream sample to try in the store?

PATIENT
(ignoring the last question)
So I introduced myself and told him I'd seen all his movies and every play he'd wrote or had been involved in for the last decade – except My Parents Don't Drink and Kiss, because my sister was in the hospital.

DOCTOR
What did Mr. James Feely think of that?

PATIENT
John Heely.

DOCTOR
(scribbling a note to himself)
John Heely. Okay. So what did he say, this Mr. Steely?

PATIENT
He said it was always good to meet somebody who really appreciated his genius.

DOCTOR
I can certainly agree with that.

PATIENT
(quietly, revealing the greatest secret ever kept)
And he told me that if I really, really worked at it, maybe some day... I could be almost at his level. Well, that really amazed me. So lately, I've been watching less TV and I'm finally pursuing my greatest passion.

DOCTOR
What's that?

PATIENT
Raising alpacas.

DOCTOR
(scribbling the many psychological implications of the last statement)
Have you given any thought to increasing the dosage of your medication recently?

PATIENT
Why, Doc?