Without A Word

Elli Cole

This is for my grandmother. May her soul rest in peace.

I can see the light.

It shines down and illuminates my being. Oddly, however, I can’t feel the heat of the rays that usually pass by throughout my body. I ignore the weird feeling, though, as I open my mouth and the words that I wish to utter would not pass through my lips. I see you beside my bed and I smile. Half-asleep, you look at a spot beside me with a small frown playing about your lips.

What are you looking at? I want to say with a playful banter.

And I know you would just smile back and tell me to get better. I want to wrap my arms around you and tell you that I will as long as you are there beside me. I would laugh at any lame joke you would tell me and I know you would reprimand me for playing with your emotions.

I would only smile back.

Silence would ensue between us as I turn my head towards the window, the blinds opened to the side as I peer outside with a curious expression upon my face. It is already midday and yet you were still here. You had work, I know. You wouldn’t spend this much time with me. Is there something special you want to tell me?

Is it your birthday? My lips move slowly but no sound comes out.

But then your lips start to move.

“Dana…” He says softly. How can you talk when I can’t? I want to ask you so desperately but my lips can only move with my unspoken words. Your voice starts to crack as you continue, “I know this is what’s best for you…”

Best for me?

You run your fingers through your dark locks as I watch you through half-lid eyes. A sob passes through your lips as you rest your head against the palm of your hand. You squint hard and look past me forlornly. I want to tell you to look at me and assure you that everything is going to be okay—that everything is going to get better.

“This isn’t how I wanted it to end,” you whisper. “I love you, Dana, always remember that…”

I start to cry. Why are you saying these things, Mark? I think dejectedly. Please, don’t say things like these…

“I—” You trail off with a stammer. “Goodbye.”

My heart beats for you. My heart is still for you. My heart wants to tell you to stop walking away. But then as soon as you stand up and open the door, I hear your voice say, “I said my goodbyes. You can take her away.”

Helpless, I couldn’t make a sound. People start to gather around me and ready to carry me away. But they ignored me as they carry another body away. The white linen cloth covered most of the person’s hair but as they start to move, the cloth slipped past the person’s face.

I watch myself get carried away as I hovered above my hospital bed.

Goodbye.

oOo

End Note: Oddly, I wrote this the night my grandmother was admitted to the ICU—I found about it the day after. I think that this fic is a premonition of some sort… I kind of wished I didn’t write this. Cries. I miss her. I want her back.