the dusty light swarms through the century old glass of your bedroom windows. gold dust moats dance to nico, these days is on repeat. our minds our hazy with the pot you stole from your brothers, our tongues lazy. we don’t speak.

i had a lover

i don’t think i’ll risk another these days

your feathery hair is in a tangle with my own- your silky chocolate brown intermingled with my brown golden red long locks. you brush my bangs away from my eyes. i brush them back.

and if i seem to be afraid to live the life that i have made in song

it’s just that i’ve been losing so long

i keep smiling, happy, totally at peace.

except for the nagging achy feeling of upset in the bottom of my throat, behind my collar bone.

please don’t confront me with my failures

i had not forgotten them

you role over onto your stomach so that our noses are moments apart. you blink slowly at me, your face careful and thought filled. i smile slowly and turn away, angling my neck so you are facing my jaw. i giggle as if under water- slow, deep, and bubbly- as your feather breath wings across my skin. you wrap your arms around my throat, nuzzling your face into the base of my neck and staying there. i don’t move.

the dust continues dancing, the song is still repeating, and we sink farther against the glossy wooden floor of your room. it smells like fresh oregano, pot, and the slightly stuffy, homey wood smell of your house. i think of pine needles. your finger is making circles on my shoulder.

i need to get up.

i have to do something, except i’m not sure what. i want to tell secrets to my friends, but i don’t really have any. i think of the girl who hates me because of you. i think she’s a dick.

i don’t know how it happened, but i’m standing in the doorway, looking down the hall. i’m not to sure what i’m looking at. i turn around and you are looking at me, so i walk over to you, get on my knees so we are face too face, and stare into your unclassified gem eyes. i can’t really balance, so as i slowly drop forward, i pretend that it’s just to kiss you. which ends up being a wonderful idea. my lethargic mind can’t keep up with us, and i smile into your soft mouth. nothing in the world is quite as right as this.

you sink back against the floor, pulling me on top of you. you wrap your arms around my torso and roll over so that i see nothing but your beautiful face floating above mine.

“hello boy,” i whisper, smirking, kissing your palm.

as if set on a timer together, your ipod’s battery dies and my phone rings. i growl and reach over my head into my bag. i throw my phone across the room into the wall. behind it’s trail, the dust spins especially fast.

but you have already moved to your desk chair and your face is blank. i knew this would happen. or something like it.

“fuck,” you say, blinking hard, “i can’t spell ‘illuminate’ right now.”

i roll to my feet and sort of drift to the kitchen. i don’t know why i go there, i don’t even eat, so i was frowning when you followed after me. you reach your hand out and touch a strand of my hair. for a moment i think you around going to kiss me again, but you just untangle a lady bug from my spider web of hair.

“make a wish.” you hold the red bug in front of my face.

i make a wish. i wish i wish i wish for you.

these days i stop and think about

how all the changes came about my ways

and i wonder if i’ll see another highway.

you walk to the window and hold your hand into the cigaretteflowersmogfruittree air outside. you tilt your hand up, and as if being led by a pixie, they lady bug travels up your hand, and up to the top of your finger.

first it’s hard red elytra flicks open, followed by the thin, plastic gauzy wings. then it flits into the dancing dust air, till the sun glow washes it from view and the trees seem even darker than usual. i follow an idea of the ladybug, even if i can’t see it. you poor green tea over ice cubes i don’t remember you taking out, and hand me a blue cup with a bright pink straw in it. i chew on the straw, sucking liquid through my teeth practically. you sit with your back against my legs. i don’t remember sitting down. i play with your hair, then cover your eyes with my warm hands and lean to whisper into your ear.

“that was very beautiful, wasn’t it.”

“yes,” you whisper back, “yes, it was.”

a/n:

the lyric things are to nico’s spectacular song these days. it is divine. and i’m sorry about any grammatical errors, i’m tired.

also, this is completely fiction.