F e a r

I’m scared.

I’m always scared, and probably always will be.

I become scared ever since I know about Him and what will happen to me when I started to follow Him. Yeah, I became a scaredy-cat ever since I followed the steps of the Lord.

A lot of people keep saying that we shouldn’t fear anything because we have Jesus that’s always with us and that we should only fear the Lord Himself. But I couldn’t help it. No matter how many times I prayed, no matter how many times I asked God to take this fear away from me, it keeps crawling back to me. It keeps haunting me wherever I go.

This fear is something I can’t really describe. It’s not like a fear of a monster under the bed, or the boogeyman in the closet. No, this fear is even scarier.

It’s not like fear of being haunted by ghosts, or being stalked by a psychotic murderer, or being targeted as a dead person. You can still live with the fear of getting killed. At least when we died, we know it’s not the end of the world.

This fear, my fear, is more heartbreaking.

No, it’s not like when your boyfriend, or girlfriend, broke up with you or cheated on you. It’s none of those relationship break ups. Not family break ups, not friendship break ups. It has a deeper meaning to it; more than a friend, more than a family, more than a lover.

It’s not a fear of darkness. It’s not a fear of certain animals. It’s not the fear of earthly things.

This fear has kept me lying on the bed. Restless and sleepless. Sometimes the fear really haunts me that I cried myself to sleep.

The more years that passed, the heavier my fear is; clinging on my shoulder, getting ready to just suffocate me with pain. It makes me thinking. Am I Christian enough? Did I try my best to be one? Is this all I can be? Surely I can do more than this, right?

Have you yourself been thinking about it? Do you ever consider that you’ve done well enough as a Christian for your age? Have you ever think that you’ve suffer enough and you prayed enough, more than any typical people your age? Do you show enough Christian points within your daily life? Have you felt that you’ve done a great job already to glorify God?

This fear of mine kept me thinking and makes me look at things differently. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I wondered. Is this the real me? Did I suffer enough? The more I think about this, the more scared I get.

To be free from this fear, I had to lie to myself. I had to assure myself that I had done well. However, this made me feel more guilty and sinned.

It’s too hard for me to explain. I can only imagine it.

Imagine that you have to leave your family for a long time somewhere else. You leave them more than 10 years or so and you’ve been missing them ever since. You wanted to go back so bad that when you had the chance to, you flew to your house as quick as possible.

Imagine your feeling of being able to meet your beloved family after a long time not hearing anything from them. Imagine your happiness when you finally knock the door and waiting for your family to open the door.

But imagine what you will feel when your own father or mother opens up the door and asked, “Do we know you?”

How would you feel?

This is the fear that I have.

I believe that I will be going to heaven for my choice of accepting Christ. But there is where my fear lingers. I’m afraid that when I knock on the door of heaven, God would open the door and said,

“Sorry, I don’t know you. You can’t come in.”

And He shuts the gate in front of my face.

Tha's why I'm scared, because . . .

what if it happens to you too?