Part I.
The Death

I am in my room. The shades are down, light: dim; my bed, completely stripped of the sheets and blanket. The large, golden comforter lies beneath the swiveling desk-chair I stand on, gluing it in place against the pale carpet. The sheet is strung up and tied to my ceiling, roped around to tie a knot around my neck. I pause, unsure of what I'm about to do. Is it really worth it? Wrong question. Is it really not worth it?

I am afraid but I know that I shouldn't be.

And suddenly the door bursts open. Here stands Friend. Friend bears the face of every person I have ever encountered in my life and a heart that changes in size with the weather. I look at him with both admiration and hatred. His colorless eyes lie dead in the sockets and yet sparkle at the same time.

I am not afraid but I know that I should be.

He eyes me standing on the stool, my home-made noose strung tight. He watches the noose with squinted eyes and strides closer with large steps. I am not surprised by his confusion, but as he moves towards me, his eyes turn to that of amusement.

"Sorry to bother you," he says. "I see you're a little tied up."

I find it odd for him to make a pun at a time like this. I hadn't been hoping that Friend would walk in; I had been wishing, if anything, that he would have come moments later, when it was too late, so I would not be burdened with second thoughts. I have no faith in distractions. And yet he is not surprised to see me like this, I have sensed it in his stare.

"What?" I ask as innocently as possible.

"Is that a noose?" he asks.

"Y-Yes," I stammer.

"Oh I thought so." He stares me in the eye, half a grin plastered on his amused face.

"What do you want?" I whisper, a glistening tear rolling down my cheek.

"Well," he says, "I'm really thirsty. Can I grab a drink from your fridge? You wouldn't mind, would you?" Another tear rolls down. I wipe it away quickly.

"No, I don't mind" I say.

"Thanks," he replies, and he exits the room faster than I can blink my eye.

With that, I pull the sheet tighter around my neck and kick away the chair from beneath me. Meanwhile, Friend opens a bottle of water in the kitchen below my room and takes a long and refreshing sip just as my heart quits beating.

"Why did you do it?" God asks me. We're in Heaven and while there are no clouds here, there are no walls either. We are all separated by the color gray. God resembles a bald, six year old boy with a round face and large teeth but I may be the only person here who sees him in this way.

"I did it because I was unloved," I tell Him. "All life gave me was pain and misfortune. I was granted opportunities that were later ripped away by the people I thought cared for me. What more is there when the people you cared for, your friends and family...what more is there when they stop caring for you? What happens when they find your pain and use it against you, hurt you more, rip your entire life apart until all they have left to do is laugh at what they did to cause so much hurt? What happens when they don't see that their illusions of who I really am are exactly who they are themselves? What happens then, God, can you tell me?"

"You become Me," He says. "By taking your own life, you play God. I have never been more saddened and offended. I am the caller of Life and Death, but you have taken that from me in taking your own life."

"With the people I had known in my life, I could hardly take control over my own choices," I admit to Him. "If I could not control the events of my own life, is it so wrong to at least control my own death?"

God is crying now. He says: "You couldn't live for me?"

I say: "I never knew that you loved me."

"I only love those who love me in return," He reminds me, a large tear dripping down his round face.

"As do I," I answer. "I cannot be expected to do so much as live when there is no one to love me and, even worse, no one to love."

"My dear," God whispers, another drop of water falling from his eye, "surely you would have realized it by now? If you are not loved in life, what makes you think you will be loved any more in death?"