Confession

I’m embarrassed. Because I’m dating a guy which media would categorize as facially inept. I know it sounds bad but it’s true. He’s my official unofficial boyfriend. None of my friends know that I’m going out with him because I haven’t told them yet. I’m afraid for him. No. Actually, I’m afraid for myself, of what they will think. Because according to the media, I fall into the category “facially decent” and everybody knows that facially inept and facially decent cannot match up. You have to go with your own kind else you’ll be made fun of and you’ll never hear the end of it. I mean, he’s not that bad if you really get to know him. He has an awesome personality and it covers the fact that he’s facially inept. Kind of. I can stand to kiss him though, of course I can, he’s my boyfriend. Just not in public. Maybe in the woods somewhere at around 3:30pm, right after school. No one is there yet. So it’s all good. I don’t think he knows that I’m embarrassed. In fact, he thinks I’m un-embarrassed, that I don’t care and I’m proud. I don’t even think he knows he’s ugly. Oh god, I said the word. It just sounds so…ugly. I’m going to hate myself for this.

I can imagine the reaction of my best friend when I announce that I’m dating Mayen Stampperman, even his name sounds facially inept. She would first laugh, and laugh, and, laugh again. Then she’ll see the serious look on my face and realize that I’m telling the truth. As another step, she’ll blink and her mouth will gape wide open. And she’ll be speechless, making incoherent sounds like “Wha?” and “huh” and “er” and “um.” That’s not even what I’m afraid of. Then, she’ll proceed to ask me “why” and “WHY” and “WHEN” and “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF?” And that, that’s also not what I’m afraid of because after the twenty questions, when she promises that she won’t tell a soul, she’ll accidentally slip it to Jennifer Rosenberg during lunch time, when I’m up in line getting my turkey breast sandwich. And we all know Jennifer Rosenberg has the biggest mouth in our whole school. She will tell everybody. And that will not be good.

Then, me and Mayen will have to show up in public. Together. And he’ll have his arm around me like everything is fine and everyone will be gawking, pointing and laughing at us. And I’ll feel very uncomfortable and pitiful and sad and angry. We all know why I’d feel uncomfortable. Pitiful because Mayen has no clue, no idea how many people think he’s facially inept. Sad because I’ll have to break his heart. Angry because my best friend broke her word and she accidentally blabbed it to Jennifer Rosenberg. I will never live again. Then all the other facially inept people will think that they have a chance with me, that they’re free to pursue me with little effort. That I’ll just say yes. Which I would, because I’m sooo nice. Then my whole socially decent world will collapse before my eyes. My friends won’t leave me though, at least I don’t think so. They’ll be embarrassed for me, I think. Or just simply embarrassed, like I am of Mayen. Then I’ll become socially inept and Neil Simmersaw will never say hi to me in public, so my former decent social world will raise up a notch.

Then I’ll be forced to hang out with Debbie Phillips and Junior Jim, the most socially inept people one could ever meet, even worse than Mayen. All Debbie Phillips talks about is loosing weight because she’s corrupt when it comes to size and all Junior Jim talks about is competing in derby races when he gains more meat. Which he says he will, “you just wait and see.” Always. And I’ll have to talk about my down rise fall to being a member of the socially inept. I’ll have to make graphs and calculations and all that other stuff just to show them. My best friend won’t even look at me anymore. She’ll just pass by me and I’ll have to give her an evil glare which of course she won’t notice because she’s not looking at me. Then, I’ll have to summon Debbie Philips and Junior Jim to shoot her identical evil glares just so it’ll telepathically burn into her back. Which it won’t. Then I’ll be picked last but one for gym, before Andrea Shibber, the scrawniest, least sporty person in our school, also a fellow socially inept member. When she throws a football, it somehow ends up lying at her foot. Maybe it’s because she’s so scrawny and there’s not enough muscle mass in her body to provide strength for her to throw a two pound ball.

I will be called on all the time by Mrs. Tinkerden, the vertically challenged History teacher, to explain empowerism to the class. She’s four foot one, I think she’s a little person, I’m not sure. Then while I am explaining empowerism to my best friend, Jennifer Roseburg, Neil Simmersaw, and the rest of the class, someone at the back will cough-say “loser.” Then I’ll be forced to stop my explanation and look around in order to catch the culprit. When I don’t see anybody, I’ll continue. Then I’ll hear it again. Again and again and again. I won’t stop though, because I’m too embarrassed. The class will be snickering. Mrs. Tinkerden will waddle to the front of the class and demand for the culprit to step forward. Of course, he won’t and Warren Markham will be blamed, like he always is. And then he’ll shoot me a filthy look as he brushes past me on his way to the principal’s office. Then everyone will think I’m a tattletale, a whiner or a baby. They’re all bad. They will start creating campaigns to elect me out of the school: “Stephanie for Zero of the Year. Evicting Stephanie will be a Step Ahead to Achieve World Peace. Stephanie Must be Killed.

That’s it, that’s the worst:

Stephanie Must be Killed

Stephanie Must be Killed

Stephanie Must be Killed

Stephanie Must-

“Stephanie, dinner is ready!”

Damn. Oh well, I heard if you think too much it bursts your brain. I opened my door just to be greeted by Mayen. He kissed the corner of my lips (he missed my mouth) and I kissed his Adam’s apple, then licked it and he closed his eyes and moaned.

“How’s your story going?” He asked after we broke apart from each other.

“It’s good, I titled it Confession. It’s going to be a big hit and guess what?”

“What?”

“I named the leading guy Mayen, of course he’s not as sexy as you,” I said swirling my tongue around his lips. He grinned. And he really is sexy. Not that I wouldn’t go out with him if he wasn’t. I would go out with him even if he was facially inept. Actually, maybe not, but I would go out with him if he was socially inept, not that he would be, since he’s so sexy.

Hey, I’m not that deep.