Guide to Sues

Thank you to the Field Guide to the Birds of North America/The Universal Mary Sue litmus test for inspiration.

Introduction

At least nine documented subspecies of the Mary Sue inhabit the earth, each one more formidable than the last. This may not be an impressive number to a Sue Novice, but be advised that underestimating a Maryus sulutis would be the worst thing said novice could do.

Sue-hunting, taken up by only the most foolish and courageous individuals, is a rare pastime. Women who attempt to outsmart the Sue only find themselves feeling frustrated to the point of tears with how ridiculous and undefeatable the Sue is, and soon they give up.

Men who attempt to stop a Mary Sue are either destroyed, the Sue leeching the life from their very souls, or fall under her spell and added to her legion of male minions. Be advised that it takes a well-prepared and armed person to go against this dangerous creature.

Identification-Name

The name is one of the first identifying traits of a Sue. Rarely will one ever see a Mary Sue with a normal name. The name can be a different, more interesting spelling (Usually involving the letter “y”) of a normal name (Jessyca, Dayve, Rachael), an exotic sounding noun or combination of nouns (Dark Moon, Nightwish, Raven) or a combination of the two (Knyfe, Myst, Sapphyre). One less common reaction one might find in Maryus sulutis names is recognition. Recorded instances of “Arwen”, “Arya”, and “Kairi” have been found, said to be inspired from various heroes of old legends.

Identification-Plumage

Before we go into the general Sue-behavior, we will explore common physical signs that one is dealing with a Maryus sulutis. First of all, we will investigate into the hair of a Mary Sue. Hair can differ from subspecies to subspecies, from the raven haired Tragicus to the multicolored and/or fiery haired Rebellea to the blonde and gorgeous Neerperfectus. Color is not a restriction by any means, but some are more common in certain subspecies. One can be certain that no matter what the color or style, a hair will not be out of place, the sheen will not be too dull or shiny, and the texture will be as light and smooth as (if not lighter and smoother than) a bird’s feather.

Next we will look into the eye color of a Sue. Violet, red, gold, silver, and multicolored are all common in the Mary Sue, uncommon as they are to normal humans. Occasionally they will even change color, such as violet flashing when the Sue is angry. Do not rely on one of these colors to immediately classify a Sue, as they can also have a normal eye color. The term “normal” is used lightly, as the emerald green or ‘ice blue’ eyes of a Maryus sulutis are far from normal. Be assured that the eyes will be radiant and piercing and can draw one in like flies to honey.

Birthmarks and scars are also common, usually having a hidden meaning in the way they appear. Never do these marks or scars take away from the Sue’s beauty, if anything they make her more appealing.

The Mary Sue may possess a necklace or ring that is vital to her story, such as a locket she is unable to open, or a magical bracelet that only she can activate. Other things may include a scrap of her long lost father’s clothing or a lock of hair from her dead lover.

Identification-Behavior

Surprisingly, the Mary Sue is not modest. She will waste no time in describing her many accomplishments or her sad and tragic past. If another tries describing their accomplishments/tragic past, she will begin to get competitive, so beware. To emphasize their anguish, they may start crying. Sues do not cry like you or I, wailing and sobbing and making a general mess, they make it look attractive. Their radiant eyes only get more luminous from unshed tears, one lone tear may escape and travel down their cheek, but that is usually the limit. They do not want to appear “weak”, just angst-ridden. A trait common to the Tragicus is screaming their anger and hate for those who had tormented them, startling any individual nearby into feeling sympathy for the Mary Sue, which is just what she desires.

For the most part, the Sue tries to act delicate and feminine, yet they like to be thought of as good as ‘one of the guys’. Her personality is either quiet and shy or witty and sarcastic. The latter is more dangerous, but both kinds are proud and haughty on the inside. Be advised that the ones who say they are ‘quiet’ are usually nothing of the sort.

Mary Sues appear to fall in love hard and fast, perhaps within seconds of meeting their object of affection. This affection is completely a ruse, as they love men the same way you or I love baby back ribs.

A Sue’s manner of speaking is usually fancy and carries an abundance of clichés; presumably they find it makes them seem attractive and intelligent. They rarely (excepting Rebellea) use slang or swear, as it makes them appear brutish and bestial.

Story

A Mary Sue almost always has some sort of tragic past. This can include one or both parents dying at an early age, getting kicked out, tortured and experimented on, etc. They may also be the last of their kind, a chosen one for some prophecy, or hunted by an evil villain. Whatever the case, it’s upsetting and they may go to great lengths to describe their thirst for vengeance.

Abilities

A Mary Sue’s main and most obvious ability is to attract male humans to them with their beauty and skill. Sue Experts believe that it is not just beauty and skill, but a pheromone secreted by a special gland that men are helpless against. This enables the Sue to quickly lure in and suck the will and life from their prey, leaving the victim a mindless shell that does whatever is asked of it.

Maryus sulutis has an unfortunate tendency to be impervious to many natural weapons and/or magic. This can pose a problem when hunting them, but any Mary Sue Expert knows that the best weapon against a Sue is quick thinking.

Skills

The Mary Sue is always skilled at something, be it archery, sword fighting, singing, magic, or one of many other admirable skills. Whatever the case, she will always be one of, if not the one and only, best. Several are fluent in many languages, including Japanese, Elvish, and anything else handy at the time. She is likely able to tame the wildest of animals, navigate the most dangerous forests, and brave the deepest oceans. She appears unafraid at these daunting tasks, but only because she is secure in the knowledge that she is unable to die by any conventional means.

Equipment

Maryus sulutis may be impervious, but she still needs to keep up appearances. She may have a sword or other weapon handed down to from generation to generation, or have several tiny daggers hidden about her person. She may wear leather armor, stylishly cut in all of the right places, or a necklace that absorbs any magical attack. Again, this may appear to be a roadblock in defeating a Sue, but they serve no actual purpose as to the Mary Sue’s actual wellbeing.

Occasionally the Sue will have an animal companion, whether it is a dragon or her favorite wolf-dog. In the case of mystical creatures, she is usually the only one possessing them or is the only one able to speak to them. The creature, which is usually an odd or striking color, will be fiercely loyal to the Sue, defending her against enemies or ‘comforting’ her as she’s sobbing out her sad story.

Abundance and Habitat

One will not find more than one Maryus sulutis in a village. They are extremely territorial, and they will fight for their land and prey until the other Sue is defeated. Only in extremely rare situations will they team up to defeat an enemy. It has been said that there is a ‘Queen’, who weaker Sues serve in return for sustenance, but she has not been sighted recently.

Natural Regression

After several human generations have gone by, the Sue will start to ‘devolve’. She becomes self aware, discovering how truly repulsive she is despite her beauty and talent. She will become less and less perfect and more and more human with time, eventually mingling in with the rest of the world. Others remain stubbornly ignorant of themselves, insisting they’re perfect. These usually evolve into a Perfectus as they work out their human flaws with more and more experience, growing stronger and more perfect with each passing day.

Gary Stu?

The rumor of the Garyus stulutis, or a “male” version of Maryus Sulutis, has been passing from one village to another since first sightings of the Mary Sue. No documentations have been made, however, frequent ‘sightings’ from eccentric human females have been reported from all corners of the world. For now, Gary Stus can be categorized as similar to Bigfoot or Nessie.

Sue-ing

Time spent with your Guide to Sues will be repaid when you run into a Mary Sue. You will be able to identify them, outsmart them, and perhaps even defeat them based on the knowledge in this book. But much is also learned from experience. When you have seen the Progidiyae many times, for instance, her distinctive knowledge signals her identity for you long before your life force is sucked away.

Experienced Sue-ers know how to move cautiously and resist any traps set by the Sue. They know that the tragic story of the Tragicus is only a trap to gain sympathy; that they should merely roll their eyes at the Rebellea; that they must refuse all advances by the Romanticus.

A rule that has no exceptions: If you feel that you are starting to fall under her spell, back out immediately. Defeating a Sue is not worth your life.

Species Known To Man

Tragicus

Rebellea

Chosenes

Progidiyae

Hybrridus-Vampirae, Werewolfes, Elvinea

Romanticus

Selfinsertus

Neerperfectus

Perfectus