8/24/07

“Brother’s Mistress’s Brother’s Boss”

Rufus woke up and it was Wednesday, which made perfect sense to him considering it was technically still Tuesday when he went to bed. He sat up and looked across his attic-bedroom to where his window was. If the curtains weren’t drawn to keep the light from the streetlamps from keeping him awake at night, he would’ve been able to see the whole “fair city” of Sinkhole Bottom… but they weren’t… so he couldn’t.

The room was dark and a little drafty, which made it kind of chilly in the early spring morning, so he threw on a hoody. He also considered pants—which he would eventually need anyway, if he was going to leave the house (which seemed inevitable considering he would have to leave for school at some point)—but ultimately, he decided against that. Fuck pants! He didn’t need pants!

He actually had a sort of aversion to wearing pants—shoes too—if he could help it. They made him feel claustrophobic, to a degree. He couldn’t, however, take the dive and commit to being a complete nudist: his shoulders and crotch always got cold if he didn’t at least wear a shirt and boxers.

He went downstairs to the kitchen and poured himself a bowl of Trix. It was after 9:00 AM and he was already extremely late for class; by the time he got to Sinkhole Public High School it would be well into second period. But at this point late was late no matter what time he showed up, so he figured he should just take his time.

“Why are you still here?” His older brother, Wesley, interrogated as he entered the kitchen.

“Overslept.” Rufus replied. “I need a lift, by the way.”

“No can do.” Wesley said. “I’ll be late for my meeting.”

Wesley was twenty-three (five years older than Rufus). He had gotten an office job for some faceless, corrupt, corporation that cared nothing for the little guy. Since then, he had sold his soul for a cushy middle management position. He had also gotten married to a shrill, homely, fiercely religious woman with few redeeming qualities to speak of.

“I can drop you off, Rufey.” A leggy blonde with big lips (among other things) as she entered the kitchen wearing little more than a pair of sexy underwear and an oversized Black Sabbath t-shirt that had belonged to Wesley before he sold-out and became a tool.

“Uhh… that’s okay… I can walk.” Rufus replied.

Her name was Yolanda Yoder, but most folks called her “Lani”, or, in some circles, “Periwinkle Brown”, which was the pseudonym she painted under. Along with being an artist, she was also Wesley’s mistress, which only made his family somewhat uncomfortable around her.

Since he didn’t make enough money to take her to a sleazy hotel every time they wanted to have a romp, he would tell his wife that he was staying the night at his mother’s house (which wasn’t even a lie). He would then invite Lani over to dinner, to appease his mother. They would eat lasagna or tuna casserole in awkward silence, occasionally interrupted by awkward dialogue. Afterward, Wesley and Lani would retire to Wesley’s old bedroom where they would spend the night having awkward intercourse over and over again, knowing that Rufus and the rest of Wesley’s family would hear them, should they become to passionate and unbridled.

His mother didn’t really care; she was still relatively young herself (especially for having three kids, the oldest of which being twenty-three years old) and as long as they didn’t wake her up from her bedroom down the hall she had no complaints. After all, Lani was infinitely more pleasant than Wesley’s wife.

“Nonsense, shug, I’m on my way across town anyway.” Lani insisted. “Just gimme a second to find my clothes.” She poured herself a cup of lukewarm coffee and scuttled back up to Wesley’s room.

“There ya go. Problem solved.” Wesley said. “See ya later.” He walked out the door with the kind of jaunt in his step that a man might have after a night full of fornication, hopped in his Buick LeSabre and drove off.

xXx

“Soo… you go to Sinkhole Public, eh?” Lani asked as she drove up Third Street, toward the high school.

She’s gotta be making smalltalk, Rufus thought. Sinkhole Public is the only high school in town.

This wasn’t entirely true, actually. There was also Sinkhole Christian Academy but the only people who sent their kids there were the fanatically devout: the kind of people who home-schooled their kids all through elementary and junior high school. No one in Rufus’s family was particularly religious. Oh sure, his mother threw the term “Christian” around whenever the subject was brought up, but she had a tendency to change the rules around to suit her lifestyle and the lifestyles of her loved ones. Therefore, infidelity was most certainly a sin when she found her now ex-husband in bed with a waitress from Hooters; but in the case of her oldest son’s infidelity, it was perfectly fine, seeing as he was trapped in an unhealthy, loveless marriage to a mousy bitch.

“Yep.” Rufus replied.

“Ah! Well you probably know my little brother, Biff Yoder, right?”

“Sure, I could pick him out of a lineup, if that’s what ya mean.” Biff Yoder was a sophomore (two years below Rufus) but they were in the same Biology class because Rufus had failed it twice. They had never spoken to each other, but Rufus knew who he was.

“Fantastic! Could you give this to him and tell him to give it to his boss? I’m not gonna see him for a few days ‘cause I’m going to Glasstonia for an art show. I’d really appreciate it.” She handed Rufus a manila envelope. He took it reluctantly, not entirely sure what to do. He barely knew Biff Yoder and now he was delivering his mail; he wasn’t sure he had the kind of people skills to pull this off. Not to mention, he wasn’t sure what it meant to be doing his brother’s “goodtime girl” a favor.

“Uhh… I, uhh… I guess… I could do that.” He said.

“Oh, you’re just a peach!” She exclaimed. “And just as cute as Wes was when we were in high school… before that cunt Sonya caught his nads in a bear trap.”

xXx

“Dude, I thought you skipped today.” Rufus’s friend Jerry remarked when Rufus showed up to lunch.

“I was gonna.” Rufus replied. “But tight ass slept over last night and he woulda told my mom.” He took a seat across the table from his friend.

“Does that mean Lani was there?” Jerry asked, eagerly.

“Yep. She dropped me off today.”

“Aww maaan… You are fuckin’ lucky my friend.” Jerry gushed. “She has the nicest set of tits I’ve ever seen outside of porn.”

“They’re fake; she said so herself the last time I was over at Rufus’s for dinner.” Carol, the only girl sitting at the table, pointed out. “They were a gift from her dead, Crypt Keeper-looking husband.”

Lani had been married at one point in time, but that didn’t last long, as her husband (Herbert Füngaldicht of the Füngaldicht oil fortune) was ninety-two years old at the time of their wedding and died of the flu six months later. The breast implants were a gift from him, as well as her art gallery and a large sum of money she was essentially living off now.

“Hehehehe… I don’t care; they’re fuckin’ immaculate.” Jerry continued to gush.

“Where’s Shawn?” Rufus asked.

“In the ladies’ room receiving oral sex.” Carol replied.

“… Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“Huh… Well good on him.”

“I wouldn’t say that, actually.” Jerry said.

“Why? Is she flat or something?” Rufus asked.

“Nope.” Carol replied.

“She’s got utters.” Jerry added.

“ ‘Utters’? … What the fuck are you talking about?”

It was then that Shawn himself appeared and sat down next to Jerry with the kind of dirty, beaming smirk a young man who was just recently serviced in a public restroom might have.

“Shawn. I hear you got a blowjob.” Rufus said. “I guess that’s why you’re grinning like a jackass over there.”

Shawn nodded, still smiling.

“Jerry tells me she’s got utters.” Rufus added. “What’s that supposed to mean? Is she lactating or something?”

“HEY!” Shawn exclaimed. “You’re an ass, man!” Then he punched Jerry in the arm, causing him to wince like a little girl.

“… Who the hell is this chick?” Rufus asked. Shawn pointed across the cafeteria. Apparently, she noticed because he then waved and winked at her. Rufus turned around the find a rather hefty sophomore making kissy faces in their general direction.

“Huh… Really, now.” Rufus remarked, at a loss for words.

“Yeah man.” Shawn replied.

“… Alrighty. Suits you, suits me.” Rufus said, trying to sound supportive.

“I don’t think she’s that terrible looking, Shawn.” Carol told him.

“Sure, if you’re into double chins, thighs rubbing together, cellulite, and flabby sagging cow tits.” Jerry remarked, prompting Shawn to hit him again.

“I don’t see what the big deal is.” Shawn said. “It’s not like this is the first time I ever banged a fat chick.”

“Yeah but before we just thought you were drunk.” Rufus said.

“I was… but that’s not the point! I like big girls! Big fuckin’ deal!” Shawn exclaimed.

“Easy there soldier.” Rufus said.

“Yeah, no need to cry about it, you woman.” Jerry added.

“YOU WANT THIS AGAIN YOU LITTLE BITCH?!” Shawn exclaimed, threateningly grabbing Jerry by the shirt.

“There’s nothing wrong with having a preference, Shawn.” Carol replied. “Every woman wants someone to think that they’re beautiful, no matter what she look like.”

“… Even if she’s a wide load.” Jerry muttered.

“YOU DON’T KOW WHEN TO QUIT, DO YOU?!” Shawn bellowed.

It was probably a good thing Shawn was so interested in bigger women, because it seemed they liked him quite a bit. This was probably because he was one of only a few males their own age to pay any attention to them, but it may have also had a lot to do with the fact that he was one of the few fellows who were bigger than them. Shawn stood 6’3” and weighed roughly 250 lbs.: he was almost twice the size of Jerry, who was barely 5’7” and weighed less than Carol (to the dismay and embarrassment of the both of them).

“Good thing so many chunky girls seem to think they’re hardcore.” Rufus remarked.

Rufus, Shawn, and Jerry were all under the impression that they themselves were very “hardcore” (or at least as “hardcore” as someone could get away with in such a small town). They had a band called Blowhole & The Other Orifices, which had been voted “Worst New Act” at the previous year’s Battle Of The Bands. This had much to do with the fact that none of them were especially gifted musicians. Rufus in particular, was completely tone-deaf and could play only the most basic of guitar riffs, and not very swiftly at that. Shawn was capable of banging on the drums to the beat of a song, and Jerry was a decent singer who at least had a basic working knowledge of the guitar (so they decided to put Rufus on bass, where he could do as little damage as possible). This, however, was not good enough to impress the rather elitist punk rock fans of Sinkhole Bottom and the surrounding area.

Carol, on the other hand, was not “hardcore”; not in the slightest. She wasn’t even operating under the assumption that she was “hardcore”, as her male companions were. Carol was a feminist and a hippy that enjoyed not wearing a bra and taking the occasional toke on the reifer. Whereas Rufus was nearly certain that the sun, the moon, and the earth all revolved around Jawbreaker, Neutral Milk Hotel, and Bad Religion, Carol preferred the musical stylings of Ani DiFranco, Bob Dylan, and Phish. She stood out like a severed finger in a Caesar salad sitting with Rufus and the others (if for no other reason than she was the only girl) but she and Rufus had been friends for some time, and through him she had also become good friends with Shawn. Jerry she tolerated, but if it weren’t for the other two, she probably wouldn’t put up with him.

“I’m eager to change the subject to something other than Shawn’s… obscure… preferences.” Carol said, choosing her words carefully. She reached over to Rufus’s stuff and pulled out the manila envelope Lani had given him earlier that day. “What’s this?” She asked.

“I donno.” He replied.

“What do you mean you don’t know? It’s in your stuff.”

“Lani gave it to me this morning and told me to—”

“Lani?!” Jerry’s interest in the conversation was suddenly renewed. “They’re naked pictures of her, aren’t they?! I bet they’re naked pictures of her!”

“It’s not naked pictures of her… probably… I haven’t looked.” Rufus said.

“What’s it for?” Shawn asked.

“It’s for my brother’s mistress’s brother’s boss.” Rufus replied.

“… Run that by me again?”

“Any of you guys know Biff Yoder? He’s Lani’s brother and he’s a sophomore here.” Rufus asked.

“… ‘Biff’… Lani has a brother named Biff…” Jerry said. “… Yolanda and Biff Yoder…Sounds like one classy-ass family.”

“I kinda know Biff.” Carol said. “We go to the same church.”

“Good. Give this to him and tell him to give it to his boss.” Rufus told her.

“Hey! Now hold on a sec! We go to youth group together… at a Unitarian Universalist church… WHICH PRACTICALLY ISN’T EVEN A CHURCH! It’s not like a have some sort of deep, personal relationship with this kid!” She protested. “Isn’t he in one of your classes anyway?”

“Yeah, Biology, but that was second period and by the time I got there it was almost over.” Rufus replied. “And I’ve got shitty social skills. I donno how to talk to anybody besides you fuckers!”

Carol turned her attention. “Shawn?”

“Don’t look at me! I don’t know how to talk to people any better than you guys!” He argued.

“Sure ya do.” Rufus retorted.

“You can’t stand it when people around you aren’t engaging you in conversation; you’ve said so yourself.” Carol added.

“I’ve seen you carry on a full conversation with a drunk, homeless guy before, and he was half-conscious and off his meds!” Rufus stated.

“This is stupid.” Jerry griped snatching the envelope away and beginning to open it.

“Hey! That’s sealed! They’re gonna know we looked.” Rufus protested.

“They’re gonna know you looked.” Jerry corrected; Rufus then grabbed the envelope back.

“Alright… I’m gonna make you a deal.” Rufus told him. “I’ll let you see whatever the hell’s inside, but you gotta take this over to Biff.”

Jerry took a moment to think this over. “… You’ve got yourself a deal, my friend.”

So Rufus handed over the envelope, which Jerry proceeded to tear open. He reached inside and pulled out a sheet of paper, roughly the same size as the envelope itself.

“Holy shit!” He exclaimed.

Shawn leaned over to get a good look at the contents. “… Wow.”

“Oh god! It really is naked pictures of Lani, isn’t it?!” Carol interrogated, as she and Rufus could only see the back of the paper from where they were sitting.

“No…” Jerry replied gravely.

Against his better judgment, Rufus stood up and walked around to the other side of the table, to see what it was they were handling. What he found were several sketches of an overweight, middle-aged man in a speedo, sprawled out across the page.

“… I guess this is Lani’s brother’s boss…” Shawn commented.

“Oh god, what if it’s not?!” Jerry added.

“… Now I kinda wish it had been naked pictures of Lani.” Rufus stated.

“Okay, that’s enough of this.” Jerry said, shoving the picture back in the envelope. “Unless, of course, you wanna take a look at the others. Looks like there’s about fourty or fifty more.”

“No!” Rufus and Shawn exclaimed in unison.

“Carol? How ‘bout you? Wanna take a look?” Jerry teased.

“Umm… no thanks.”

“Alrighty then. Time to do the deed.” Jerry announced, standing up from the table with great purpose. “So where’s that kid?” Rufus pointed across the cafeteria. “Kick ass. I’ll be back in a minute.”

Jerry strode across the room to where Biff was sitting with a group of other underclassmen.

“Hey! You Biff?” Jerry interrogated.

Biff looked at him with the kind of scared, cautious expression that underclassmen tend to have when approached by seniors (especially seniors who were like Jerry and had a history of malice).

“Uhh… yeah…” He finally replied. He was small for someone his age: shorter than Jerry, which undoubtedly fueled Jerry with an overwhelming sense of power, as he suffered from a crippling Napoleon Complex.

“Good. Here’s what’s up.” Jerry said. “Your sister told ol’ Rufus over there to give you this to give to your boss.” He motioned back across the cafeteria, to where Biff could see Rufus, Carol, and Shawn staring back at him with relatively blank expressions, awaiting Jerry’s return. “But ya see, Rufus is a pussy and can’t deal with adult situations like talking to people he doesn’t know, even if they’re two years below him, so here I am.” He shoved the envelope at him. “So have at it kid.” Then he turned around and returned to his own corner of the cafeteria.

When Jerry had left, Biff noticed that the envelope had already been opened. He figured that if Jerry and Rufus had already seen whatever was inside, it wouldn’t be a big deal if he looked too. So he pulled out one of the sheets of paper…

“Ahh!” … and shoved it back in as quickly as he could manage.

(end chapter one)