8/29/07

“The Beckers Eat Dinner”

It continued to be Wednesday evening when Wesley and his horrible wife showed up for dinner and Roxanne threw a frozen pizza into the oven. After all, as a hardworking, driven career woman, she couldn’t be bothered to fix a full meal at the end of a long, hard day at the office, especially if her son wasn’t even going to bring the woman she preferred.

Unwilling to sit through a meal alone with his family, Rufus invited Shawn to join him. He had considered inviting Jerry because he was obnoxious and entertaining, especially in contrast to Wesley’s stuffiness. But Jerry wouldn’t come unless Lani was guaranteed to be there, and she was not; and Wesley’s wife was hardly as easy-on-the-eyes as his mistress.

“Now, Shawn, he’s the one that doesn’t eat meat, right?” Roxanne asked.

“No, Ma, that’s Carol: she’s a girl.” Rufus replied, still horizontal on the couch, reading his book. “Shawn’s the one who’s enormous; he’ll eat anything.” He wasn’t exaggerating. Once, Rufus and Jerry had dared Shawn to eat a dead cockroach they found on the floor of Jerry’s garage: he did it—for no money or other compensation—and even washed it down with an R.C. of all things.

“Ah, good. I was worried I was gonna have to make a salad.” Roxanne said. “You know, your brother’s wife won’t eat salad!”

“How do you know that, Ma? She’s never said that.”

“She doesn’t have to! I can tell by looking at her that she’s not familiar with leafy greens.”

Indeed, Wesley’s wife was not at all a petite girl: in fact, her small head seemed very disproportionate to the rest of her lumpy, sagging features. The thought of this brought to Rufus’s mind the discussion he and his friends had earlier that day, about Shawn’s preference to bigger women. This got Rufus to thinking; Jerry was always thrilled to come over for dinner on the nights Lani was around and it was no secret that this was because he was spellbound by her physical qualities. Shawn never seemed to have a problem with joining the Beckers on the nights Wesley brought his wife, even though she was very moody and not particularly fun to be around. Rufus began to wonder if Shawn felt the same kind of attraction for Wesley’s wife that Jerry felt for Wesley’s mistress. The idea made him uncomfortable, so he went back to reading.

“Whatever happened to Carol?” Roxanne asked. “You hardly ever bring her around anymore. Did you two break up or something?”

Rufus sighed. “Ma, me and Carol were never dated.”

“Oh! So that’s how it is! Just stringing the poor girl along!” Roxanne exclaimed. “You’re just like your father!”

“Me and Carol are just friends; it doesn’t really go anywhere beyond that.” This was exactly why he didn’t like inviting Carol over for dinner: his mother and everyone else always tried to push the two of them together. In truth, Carol’s initial intentions were to seduce Rufus (though, bear in mind, they were in eighth grade at the time, and there was only so much one fourteen-year-old can do to “seduce” another fourteen-year-old). But Rufus remained completely oblivious to her efforts, even to that very day, and to the ways of women and love as a whole. Eventually Carol got sick of making a fool of herself trying to get his attention, so she gave up and became a feminist.

“Well, whatever.” Roxanne sighed in dismay. “But you’d better watch out; she’s not gonna wait around forever, ya know. She’s gonna find some other boy who will treat her right.”

“Ma, I’m not interested and she’s got a boyfriend.” But he’s a big homo, he thought, but decided not to say it because it would only exacerbate the situation.

“Cori, you’d better go wash up.” Roxanne told her daughter, giving up the debate with her son for the time being. “Your brother and Fat Sally will be here any minute.”

“Why do you call her ‘Fat Sally’? You know her name is Sonya.” Corinne asked.

“Because she hates it.” Roxanne replied, with a wicked grin. “Now go wash up—and for god’s sake, Rufus, put some pants on!”

“What’s the occasion?” Rufus asked.

“No occasion.”

“Then I’m gonna forego the pants, thanks.”

It was around that time that Wesley’s Buick LeSabre pulled up, looking as battered and browbeaten as Wesley himself usually did.

“Hi honey!” Roxanne greeted warmly.

“Hi, Ma.” Wesley replied, in his usual, dower tone. “What’s for dinner?”

“Pizza.”
“Is it DiGiorno? ‘Cause that’s the only kind of frozen pizza I’ll eat.” Wesley’s wife stated.

“Oh, who are you trying to fool, Fat Sally? You’ll eat anything.” Roxanne retorted.

“Ma, please.” Wesley scolded.

“Right, right, I’m sorry, I’ll be good.” Roxanne half-heartedly apologized. “Rufus, say hello to your brother and Fat Sally.”

He gave them an uninterested wave from the couch, where he was still reading.

“You know, Roxanne, if I were you I wouldn’t speak so sharply to others like that.” Wesley’s wife chastised. “God’s already not looking at you very fondly anyway, what with your drinking problem and all.”

“Oh yeah? Did he tell you that himself there, Fat Sally?”

“Of course He did.” She said with all the conviction of an evangelical preacher’s wife, sermonizing the non-believers about the dangers of their sinful ways. At this point, even Rufus had taken some interest in the turn of events, and had set his book aside for the moment. “God told me that if you don’t change your wicked ways, stop drinking, and start coming to the Pentecostal Church every Sunday and Wednesday, you and the rest of your family run the risk of being cast down into the Lake Of Fire where you will suffer in the undying hellfire that burns but does not consume for all eternity!”

“Dang, sounds like I showed up just in time.” Shawn said as he stepped through the kitchen door, catching the tail end of the rant.

“… Hey Shawn.” Rufus greeted from the couch.

xXx

The Beckers and Shawn ate their frozen pizza in a shroud of awkward silence, just under which bubbled a vat of unpleasant thoughts towards each other. That is, until Corinne decided to break that thin layer of unease and allow all of that spitefulness spill out all over the kitchen table.

“So Sonya,” She said. “Is it true Mom’s going to hell?”

“Corinne!” Roxanne scolded.

“Well, is it?” Corinne pressed.

“Yes, Corinne, if your mother doesn’t change her unchristian ways she will certainly burn in the Hellfire until the end of time.” Wesley’s wife replied.

“Ah, I see.” Corinne responded. “And is it true that the Big Guy Upstairs told you this himself?”

“Yes.” Wesley’s wife told her. “God himself called upon me to become his personal messenger and crusader in preventing the Devil from taking this family.”

“Hmm, interesting.” Corinne said. “What’s god’s middle name?”

“What the hell is she trying to pull?” Shawn muttered to Rufus.

“She’s trying to start shit.” Rufus replied. “We let her get away with it because it seems to be the only thing that makes her happy.”

“Uhh… God’s, umm… He’s…” Wesley’s wife was struggling with the question.

“C’mon Sonya, you and G-Dawg are so tight, surely he’s told you his middle name by now.” Corinne taunted.

“Umm… Our Lord & Father doesn’t have a middle name.” Wesley’s wife spouted out.

“You don’t know.” Corinne said. “Okay, how about this Mary Good-&-Pure, is Mom’s going to hell then what about me?” She asked. “Or Rufus, for that matter! He listens to Ozzy Osbourne and all that other satanic stuff—and he hardly ever wears pants!”

“Hey now.” Rufus interjected. “Ozzy’s about as ‘satanic’ as my music gets… the other bands just wanna bring down the government.”

Corinne paid him no mind and continued on her rampage. “Not to mention my other brother—your freaking husband! By know you’ve gotta know about his—”

“CORINNE! SIT THE GODDAMN HELL DOWN AND EAT YOUR FUCKING CEREAL!” Roxanne intercepted, successfully breaking all Ten Commandments with one sentence.

“… But we’re not eating breakfast…” Corinne said. Prompting her mother and undulate a terrifying, incomprehensible exclamation of vowel sounds. It made no sense but it horrified Corinne into sitting down and shutting up.

“NOW WE’RE GONNA HAVE A NICE FUCKING DINNER WHETHER ANY OF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! SO DON’T DO ANYTHING TO FUCK IT UP! … That means you, Fat Sally!”

“See, you wouldn’t get this kind of high caliber, quality entertainment at home, my friend.” Rufus muttered to Shawn.

(end chapter three)