I daydream; I daydream a lot. I dream of impossible things happening to me, things I am ashamed to tell a soul. But mostly I dream of people liking me more than I do them. I dream that they care so much for me that they do unimaginable things for me. I dream that they love me enough to always be there for me, no matter what sacrifices they have to make to do that. I dream that though undeserving of their love, there will always be someone who loves me for who I am. I wondered once, like how I always wonder about anything and everything in the universe, why is that so. And then, acting like some quack psychologist, I reasoned that it was because I was deprived of love. I crave affection because I received none.

And then I thought that all that dreaming came from a sense of being exploited. Of always being there for someone, but no one being there for me. Of always giving hugs to whoever who needed it, only to have people think me weird when I asked for hugs in return. You know in self-help books, they say that to make yourself happy, you can make the people you care about happy. Something about how happiness is a perfume that you can’t spread without spilling a bit onto yourself. I guess my brand of perfume is too volatile to ever linger more than a few seconds on me.

And again I thought, if I want affection when I deserve none, aren’t I in the very same category as those that I blame for my constant daydreaming? But somehow, for once, just once, I want to know what unconditional love feels like. How it feels to know that someone will always care for you no matter what you do, that you do not need to work for it, it will always be there, waiting for you. That there will always be someone to go back to.

Maybe all these idealistic thoughts come from reading and then thinking too much. But don’t you think of such things too? Have you ever wondered just how much your friends and family really care for you? Of how far they would go for you? And they are doing that because they sincerely care for you, and not out of a sense of obligation. How many of us can truly say that with absolute certainty? Friends form of convenience. We are together because there are benefits for both parties. But once a party realises he is doing all the giving, and the other just receives, he would surely back out. Except a fool. Except me.

I find it pointless to rant and rave about how good things always have to happen to other people. That is why I try to always seek to better myself. To always try to give others a reason why they would appreciate my existence. But the thought that nothing I do deserves gratitude is always at the back of my mind. I do not deserve love, and therefore receive none. The problem is not with the people around me. It’s me. I deserve nothing, plain and simple. .