O stared out his window sullenly. The moon cheekily shone back at him. It really wasn’t fair, he decided. The one-night stand was supposed to improve his life, or at least appease his fairly healthy libido.

Instead, Ricardo Onassis had been transformed into a love struck thirteen year old. At least, he assumed this is what love-struck teenagers felt like. His own teen years, as he somewhat dimly remembered them, involved vain attempts to steal his older brother’s naughty woodcarvings.

O gave a mental shout out to the twenty first century. Electricity was fun and all, but Internet porn had redefined his sexual fantasy life. What that said about the quality of his sex life, O decided, was a Musing for another day.

Leah had been beautiful, a firecracker of delights. Her laugh had reminded him of the tinkling of leper bells. The sound, he amended mentally, the resultant screams and prayers not included.

This, he had realized approximately an hour ago –while doodling her name on his napkin- was a Huge, Major, Gigantic, Problem. And not just because of O’s horror at potential comparisons to emo-children.

Infatuation, he had deduced earlier, was highly unlikely. He barely remembered her name, let alone anything distinguishing about her personality. O, a paranoid person by nature considered it Highly Questionable that he could suddenly develop a Serious Emotional Attachment after a single sloppy sexual encounter.

Though he supposed he might develop an infatuation with anyone who would willingly have sex in his coffin. Kinky was one thing, but even Greta Bondage Mistress –his expensive ‘80s whore- had balked at doing the dirty in someone’s potential last resting place.

The universe, or the occult universe at any rate, O decided, was trying to screw him over. And, like most information regarding his heritage, it was his responsibility to determine how. No one had ever handed the newly turned Ricardo a vampire manual; his sire had simply dumped him in an empty farmhouse and left.

O had simply guessed he was to avoid the sun. Not that he had wanted to go outside with fangs, at any rate.

At any rate, O’s highly developed instincts were screaming in alarm. O once again wracked his alcohol-distorted memory. Despite O’s lengthy dry spell, he had accumulated quite a number of sexual partners over the years. Most of them, admittedly, were dead. However, Renaissance girl, who he had googled in a fit of melancholy, was very much alive

The key to understanding his attachment then had to be either this particular girl or this particular sex act. Admittedly, on both points, his memory was a little foggy.

O gazed out the window again and frowned. His neck positively throbbed. Too bad vampires couldn’t see themselves in mirrors, because he was certain Leah had left him one hell of a bite-

“Shit!” O exclaimed to no one in particular.

The occult really sucked sometimes. No pun intended

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Leah stared at her plate. Chelsea stared at Leah.

“Um, babe?” Chelsea ventured, a well-plucked eyebrow raised in concern.

“Yeah?” Leah responded, distracted. The blood made such pretty patterns on the white dish. She really could just lick it clean-

“Why did you just eat an entire raw steak?” Chelsea had a right to be concerned. After their relatively normal, and very filling, dinner, Leah had uncharacteristically dragged Chelsea to a grocery store and spent fifteen dollars on a large red t-bone steak. A steak that Leah had immediately eaten. Chelsea barely had time to whisk a plate underneath the meat.

“You know,” Chelsea continued, “I do have the internet? We could have, y’know, looked up a…recipe or something? And can you stop doing that? You’re really freaking me out.”

The blood had looked simply too good to resist. In fact, that had been the best part of the meal. Normally, Leah wasn’t a huge red meat fan, but if blood always tasted like that, she would drink it by the bucket full.

Chelsea looked disgusted. Leah, unfortunately, had been thinking out loud.

“Are you on your period?” Chelsea asked cautiously. Leah frowned. Vampire Boy would have been thrilled with that. She shuddered.

“Anemia!” Chelsea yelled triumphantly, causing her parakeet to squawk. “You just need more iron.”

Leah rolled her eyes. “You nearly flunked biology, remember? I’m not anemic. Anemics faint. I’m just hungry.” She licked the last traces of cow blood off her lips.

“Wipe your mouth, Lee-Lee,” Chelsea commanded. “People will think you’re a serial killer.” Chelsea’s apartment, despite being well maintained and curiously not guarded, was located in an extremely violent part of the city. Leah wasn’t an idiot. She was fairly certain Chelsea’s neighbor’s offer to do away with her ex-boyfriend wasn’t just small talk. She was just as certain that appearing in the hallway with a bloody mouth would be greeted with, at worst, a civil head nod.

“In your building?” Leah snorted. “Ivan’s incredibly sweet. He’d offer to hide the body.”

“Hey, I love my neighbors.” Chelsea mock pouted her lightly glossed lips. “Do you know how good this rent is? I was the only person who applied.”

“You were the only person who didn’t know who ran the building. And this part of town, for that matter. Such a sad little white-“

“Lee! It’s not my fault I’m naturally pale. Still,” she continued, lips twitching in mirth, “not as pale as your Doll Man.” Leah scowled.

“Low blow.” Chelsea grinned and opened her mouth.

“No.” Leah said firmly. “We are not discussing O any more. And yes,” she added, glaring at a bouncing Chelsea, “I know how many stupid sexual jokes you can make from his name.”

Chelsea visibly deflated, then swung her foot under the kitchen table. The foot reappeared, with it Chelsea’s good mood.

“So, I want you to come with me to meet Derek.” Chelsea said, bouncing her curls and dimpling winningly.

“I’m not gay, Chels,” Leah replied scathingly. “Stop it!” Chelsea opened her mouth again. “No, don’t do the giggle. I’ll go, I’ll go.”

“My charms work on everyone, regardless of sex. You should really try it sometime. But you’ll never have the true Chelsea power.” Leah attempted to beam insults with her mind.

“I’m a dancing Heffalump whose teeth will one day fall into the sea,” Chelsea stated casually. Leah stared at her. Chelsea couldn’t tell Christopher Robin from a Grecian Urn. Her parents had been hippies. Why would Chelsea insult herself using an insult she couldn’t even understand?

“What, what did I say?” Chelsea asked, blinking rapidly in confusion. “What the hell’s a Heffalump?”

Leah’s head ached. It felt like she’d been studying math formulas for hours without sleep, fuzzy and used.

She really needed another steak.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

“I think this is a bad idea,” O told Derek. Derek wasn’t listening. He and Larry were too busy shopping on O’s computer.

“Trust me,” Larry replied confidently. “This is the easiest way to break the news gently. And look at all those six packs! You also get an in!” O peered over Larry’s shoulder. Somehow, the vampire on the cover of “Kisses from the Damned” had managed to acquire a tan. O squinted. He also appeared not to be anatomically correct. This could indeed work in O’s favor.

“Do you know anything that can be done about the whole…bonding thing?” Derek asked, uncharacteristically worried. “She might be a bit upset.” O frowned. “Not that any girl wouldn’t be lucky to have you.” Derek added quickly.

“Might I offer a word of advice, Master O.” O turned around. Peebles was standing sedately in the doorframe. “Be direct. She’s a very nice young lady, and you will only confuse her with hints.” Peebles’ eyes gleamed with purpose. O was nearly positive Peebles liked Leah better then him.

“Nice!” Larry guffawed loudly. “Have you sent the bite on O’s neck. Pimp!” Larry held up his hand for a high-five. Peebles shot Larry a Look. The hand fell.

“Sending Leah vampire romance novels is a good plan!” Derek explained with gusto. “She’ll be…carried away by the romance of it all, the Dark Prince of the Night who will whisk her away from mortal cares, luring her into a prison of sensual delights.”

They all stared at Derek. He flushed.

“How many vampire romance novels have you been reading?” O asked in amazement. Derek shrugged sheepishly.

“It really will help,” he replied in a quieter tone. “Accidental blood bonds are sort of a mainstay of the genre. You just have to make her-“ Derek’s hand gestured broadly “-feel sexy and dark and lusty.”

O raised his eyebrows.

“You have to have amazing sex with her,” Derek clarified. “Sex that is so awesome, she won’t want to look at another man again.”

Derek, Larry, and Peebles stared doubtingly at O.

“Shut up! Fine! We’ll send the novels. Amazon three day delivery.”

A/N Love constructive reviews. Sorry for the long wait, but I put up another story. Anyone willing to beta, by the way? Thanks for the kind words, but I’m not one of those authors who takes offense when someone doesn’t like her work. Criticism is really okay. If you don’t like something, tell me.