Romeo and Juliet

An Actual Modern Adaptation

Narrator- Four score and seven years ago two families feuded for no apparent reason. Both families had children, who meet, fall in love, get married, have sex, and kill themselves all in the course of like three days.

Romeo- Wait a minute back it up, I haven’t even got any lines yet and you’ve already killed me off?

Narrator- ……DO NOT QUESTION SHAKESPEARE! (the golden rule of all English classes)

Romeo- Well then what’s my motivation?

Narrator- Um… you get sex?

Romeo- From a 12-year-old? Ew. I’m going over here and moping…

ACT 1:

Juliet- Hey Mom&Dad, I’m home from school! How…

Mom&Dad- No.

Juliet- No? I was going to ask ‘How are you doing’.

Mom&Dad- You’re grounded!

Juliet- For asking how you’re doing?

Mom&Dad- No for talking back to us! Go to your room!

Juliet- Damn it.

Mom&Dad- Don’t speak foully in our awesome presence!

Dad- I didn’t want to have to do this… Bring me my longsword, ho!

Mom- (blush)

ACT 2:

(Juliet sits on her balcony window, Romeo walks by)

Romeo- Whoa! She IS sexy! (Even if she’s not legal)

Juliet- (Says nothing important)

Romeo- (calling up to balcony) I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.

Woman showering on floor above- (glares and shuts window)

Juliet- (shouting down) Um… I think you’re cute and stuff too.

Romeo- (calling up) Let’s have sex!

Juliet- (shouting down) OKAY! (starts undressing)

Apartment complex- (starts staring)

Romeo- (calling up) Uh… let’s wait to tomorrow, ok?

Juliet- (shouting down) Sounds good to me!

Romeo- Good bye!

Juliet- Good bye twice!

Romeo- Goodbye trice!

Juliet- Good bye four!

(Dialogue cut for length)

Juliet- A million and four times good bye!

ACT 3:

Juliet- Hey Mom&Dad, meet my new boyfriend!

Mom&Dad- (don’t look up from papers) We hate him.

Juliet- Why?

Mom&Dad- Cuz he’s stupid.

Mom- And ugly.

Dad- And he’s emo.

Juliet- But he’s my true-love!

Romeo- We’ve known each-other for what, 14-hours? Clingest much?

Juliet- What?

Romeo- I mean… Yes of course you’re my true love!

Mom&Dad- He smells like a Capulet.

Juliet- But we’re Capulets.

Mom&Dad- Oh yeah… we can’t ever keep that straight. We mean to say he smells like a Montegue or something like that.

Juliet- Huh, I can’t remember why do we hate the Montegues again?

Mom&Dad- We can’t seem to remember either.

Juliet- Oh well… We’re going up to my room to have sex.

Mom&Dad- What?

Juliet- I mean to say, oh no what shall I do? My only love sprung from my only hate!/Too early seen unknown, and known too late!

Romeo- We truly are “two star-crossed lovers”. sigh

Romeo&Juliet- (go have sex)

ACT 3:

Tybalt- I think Romeo is stinky! (sticks his tongue out)

Benvolio- What minor character are you to insult Romeo like that?

Tybalt- I am… Puss… in Boots.

Mercutio- I already don’t like this guy.

Romeo- Hey guys what’s up? Guess what happened to me this morning? I got laid!

Benvolio- Nice.

Mercutio- Damn I thought you were gay.

Tybalt- I still think you’re stinky!

Romeo- (to Mercutio) Who is this annoying guy?

Mercutio- No idea. I think he said something about being a furry.

Benvolio- You think Romeo’s gunna take that huh? No chance. You’re not even worth fighting him. Mercutio you take him.

Mercutio- Huh? Why me?

Tybalt- And… I think Romeo’s hair looks stupid!

Mercutio- You die today!

Tybalt- (stabs Mercutio)

Mercutio- A plague on both your houses!

Romeo- Damn it, what did I do? (stabs Tybalt)

ACT 4-

In which NOTHING interesting happens.

Act 5-

Cop- You’re under arrest Romeo of the Capulets.

Juliet- (whisper to cop) Montegue.

Cop- Oh yeah, sorry about that.

Romeo- What are the charges?

Cop- (reading from the script) 2 charges of murder and 1 charge of statutory rape.

Romeo- It was consensual!

Prince- Tell it to the judge!

Juliet- Fine then! I keel myself. (Drinks some poison)

Romeo- Oh no! Juliet is dead! I keel myself too. (Stabs himself with dagger)

Juliet- stands back up Haha I kid. Looks around Oh no, Romeo is… DEAD! Stabs herself with his dagger (0.0)

Narrator: …Told you they died.