My eyes were getting itchy. I tried keeping them shut, hoping by feigning sleep I would eventually slip into unconsciousness. But this was to no avail. I was still awake, still gazing at my ceiling and walls. I began to wonder if there was no hope for rest again tonight.

Three weeks. Three weeks without sleep. It was becoming just a slight bit on the annoying side.

It would be fine if there was something to do. I had conquered my homework two hours ago. I even went ahead and did assignments that weren’t due for a few days. I’ve cleaned my room; I’ve picked out clothes for the next week. I’ve even read a text book. Nothing worked. I really just wanted to sleep, but it isn’t happening.

I looked at the clock. 2:26 a.m. Every minute that passed me was snowballing into an eternity. I was prepared to jump out the window if it meant rest.

I finally rose from my bed. Not even the inviting warmth of the blankets could hold a spell over me. Moving from place in my room, I decided to use my escape route, hoping the late night/early morning air would captivate me into sleep. I remembered how someone told me a good run might tire me out. Who it was now, I didn’t want to think about. I just decided to take said individual’s advice.

My running shoes on, a jacket covering my shoulders, I carefully climbed out of the window and onto the roof. I easily slid down the tree to the ground floor. My feet touched the ground so gently no sound was made. All I could hear was my own breathing, the slight noise made as air passed my lips. Fiddling with a pair of headphones, music streamed into my brain and caused me to find a rhythm in my feet. A good deal of time had passed since I had last enjoyed a run, but I didn’t mind. I was just a bit out of shape.

Exiting my family’s property, I slipped unseen into the woods. My footfalls were muffled by the soft earth. The air was sharply cool, scratching my face like little shards of glass. My eyes were stingy now even worse than before. But still I ran.

The path in the woods was a long, winding path. There was a fork in the road. To the right, there are more woods and eventually a small park and playground; to the left, on the unbeaten path, I had my secret place. Even though I enjoyed the little playground, random popular types hung around there. I didn’t feel like dealing with the vandals that went there. I needed the serenity of my place.

My steps became more passive as time went. It was a good mile before I reached my place. There was a lot on my mind, but I tried to push it all aside while I ran. My breath fell short quickly, but I couldn’t help but push through the pain. Chest clenching up, face stinging with cold, and eyes burning, I kept on running along the path.

The path became denser and wilder in brush and trees after ten minutes or so. Darkness spread all around me. I had to run by the light of my cell phone. Even then, it was difficult to view anything more than a hand inches from my face. I turned off the music in order to save battery. Without the music, the world became more and more frightening. The smallest sounds caused me to wonder what was beyond the darkness. The cold air chilled me further. Creatures stirred beyond my line of sight. Paranoia snuck up on me, causing my head to spin a bit, but I dared not to reach for the music. Something about the creepy aura made me feel… alive. Oddly enough, the thrill of overcoming the abyss of the deep forest was just enough to make me run faster and stronger.

After a while in darkness, the path finally cleared up. Only a little longer, I thought, only a bit farther and I’m there. Time seemed to move a bit quicker, now that I had escaped the chasm of the deep forest. My eyes were thankful to adjust to the moonlight. The soft white glow touched the end of the forest in an ethereal way. My steps became more hurried; I wanted to lie down there so badly. My body just sensed the rest getting closer and closer. The desire began to push my feet faster, farther, until I reached the end of the path. Relief flooded my being as I reached the end of the path. One little victory.

Where my path ended up was a beautiful little field. It was enclosed by the forest. A few small hills rolled to and fro, each dotted with small flowers and green grass. When standing on the top of a hill, the mountains came into view in the distance. There were still a few trees here and there. A small pond sat in one corner, close to the far edge of the field. Something in the beauty of nature always comforted me, this place being the epitome of it. No matter the weather, the season, the time, this place was always so peaceful and beautiful.

I took a sit at the bottom of a hill, facing the lake. I laid back and stared at the stars, finally allowing my mind to wonder. I thought of everything that kept me awake these past weeks. My mind went every which direction, figuring out why sleep had escaped me. It took time, but I remembered exactly what was disturbing my rest.

It all had to do with the people closest to me. How those I care about treat me, how I handle relationships. From fighting at home, to stress at school, to handling everyone else’s problems, then creating my own, to alcohol and drugs…And, most of all, how he walked into my life and changed it all.

From my parents’ disappointment in me, to cutting class to clear my head; from the boyfriend troubles to how he took my breath away with the first kiss. From trying to impress teachers to…the rape, if you can call it that. I didn’t say no, but I definitely didn’t say yes. Basically, it wasn’t right. It should never have happened like that.

My head spun. I stressed over everything. I worked hard at everything to make everyone else happy. I never did what I want; just what everyone else wanted. I did whatever made everyone else content, and never thought of my own needs. Girlfriend, lover, straight-A student, star, wild friend, compassionate friend, well behaved daughter… I was what everyone wanted me to be. Inadequacy and misunderstanding was unforgivable until I needed the chance to speak, or it was my issues. My problems were never of any importance. I lived by a double standard; I was the psychologist, I was the mute audience, never having a chance to say what's on my mind.

Then something dawned on me, like a slap across my face. All the emotions built up inside of me, everything from love to hate, from bliss to melancholy to rage. I let it build up, and when everything came to a boil, I got to my feet.

I ran to the top of the hill, each emotion pounding against my brain like a drum. And from there, I let out the loudest, longest, most passionate scream I could; my knees gave way under me. And with that, I heard the echo for a few seconds before I let tears run down my face. The tears came in floods, needless to say. I let myself go, let myself feel the pain, the sorrow, the guilt, the lies, and the self-hatred. I just let everything flow like a hurricane; it all washed over me in one tsunami. It was time I lived for myself and pursued my own happiness, not the standards everyone else set for me. It was time to live out of the shadow of the people who I loved most; it was time to be me, whoever I am exactly. I let tears flow down my cheeks, tears that became tears of joy for my epiphany.

Finally, drying my tears, I picked myself off the ground. I walked down the hill, through the forest path, and back in my own yard. But before I snuck back into my window, I took a look out at the rising sun. A new day had finally begun.