It’s this heavy, empty place in my chest. Sometimes it tightens painfully, constricting my heart and lungs. Breathing hurts. My thoughts are scrambled and confused. Eating is hard because if feels pointless. And it hurts the most when I stop to think that he may have just let me go for someone else. Then again, how much could I matter? I’m far away, and I’ve never been good at picking the ones that would want to keep me for forever. I feel black. I wear it even now, on my nails. A small sign of mourning. Not for a human death, but close enough to feel the same in many respects.

I cried only once. Mostly because tears get me nothing. Complaining in this case won’t either. Usually it would make me feel better to bitch about something that upset me. But not this. This I want to keep silent. I don’t want to share this hallow ache. I wonder if it’s where my heart should be, in the metaphorical sense of course. Literally it is still there. But the pain makes it twist and squirm, like one of those insects with a pin through it’s body. Only it’s alive to feel it.

I did love him. Stupid though it was. I did.

I know it was foolish to love a man I met in such a way, but I could not help myself. It was not about what I could see or touch, it was about what I heard and the ideas I could share and hear from him. I was a fling. I don’t like thinking about it that way, but that’s the truth of it I suppose. I was foolish. And for the last time too. I won’t have it happening again.

As the saying goes; Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

My heart fooled me twice. It’s my shame. My disgrace. That doesn’t stop me from wanting him, wishing and hoping he will show up and actually want me in turn. I’m not that lucky. I’ve never been that lucky. I love the ones that don’t seem to understand and or want a future together. I deserve that place in my chest that weighs me down to earth. In the end, it will protect me from the ones like Sarah or Travis. I loved her and she hurt me. I loved him most and still, the same thing.

They moved on whims, and he was the more passionate of the two about it. His moods were always pure, if not the most pleasant. I loved him for that simple, unconscious truth. I can’t tell him, or anyone for that matter, any of this either, I’d be the idiot for doing so. Especially if the idea of him choosing another is true. I always told him he was nothing like Sarah. In the end though…

I was wrong.

You know what, that katana of mine just looks better and better.

Perhaps I should not have pushed him so much. I don’t honestly know anymore if I was right to demand his choice then and there. If I could, I really would take it back. I would let him think, take his own time. But, I can’t. I just can’t. I’m already an idiot for making the mistake at all, I can’t admit it and make myself more of one. Maybe it is pride, I don’t know. I doubt he would forgive me anyway. And I wouldn’t blame him for a moment.

I’d take him back even if he asked on IM or called me, I wouldn’t need him to show up at all. I’m just that weak when it comes to him.

I keep drifting off, wondering just what I should have done instead. I hate thinking back. So many flaws. So many wrong things. It’s over. Welcome the end, for it is all I get. I want no other beginning then him. With someone you care about there is no end. Unless you mange to fuck it the hell up. I’m pointing at myself right now for that sentence.

I remember with Sarah the pain of losing her got easier with each day. It’s getting worse for him. Not more painful, but numb. I feel constantly sick now. I feel like I could just throw up and even letting it out like that would never help. I’m stuck with this sickness till the end of forever.