05/23/07

Zen Blade

Bitching & Waiting

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I feel so alone.

All by myself.

I feel frustrated and numbed.

I can’t even stand writing this but it’s a release.

I have been here so long but it feels as if none of it has come back to me.

Stuck, I guess.

Cement shoes.

No sledge hammer.

I know I bring it upon myself, to be this way. As I sit here on these stone steps, my head spins while the world stays put.

My body hurts from sitting.

My eyes blurred from reading.

My hands hurt from clicking and typing.

My back hurts from hunching.

I tire from this air. This polluted, filthy air.

I step outside for the precious moments I have away from my desk and my mind tricks me from breathing in a nice deep breath of clean air.

But it is not.

Filthy, disgusting air.

The freeway only a half a mile away.

Filthy, horrible air you can taste, even if you don’t want to.

I hate it.

Solemn. Exhausted. Bored. Woozy.

But thankful for the beautiful things that I still can hold onto in this limbo stage of my life.

Thankful that I’m not crazy yet.

Keeping me sane.

Just waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting…