Alexius Hawkwood

The Story of Stories,

To be told on the 13th story of every building.

By

Zachary R. Smith, Esq.

Practitioner at Law

Known especially for his involvement in the Scopes Chicken Trial, in which said case said practitioner made fractions of the opposition’s view that pizza should be outlawed, and fed said fractions to the jury, after which case the jury was known to have bought jewelry from a street peddler, said street peddler later becoming famous for his merry-noted song ‘So You Had A Sad Day’, said song soothing many consciousness into unconsciousness, and thereby relieving the world of said consciousnesses of a few princesses.

Alexius Hawkwood called for his bird, a lustrous mahogany-brown falcon-hawk, and delighted in the sight as it spiraled down to his leather-covered outstretched arm.

"Hello, bird!" the twelve year-old boy greeted the bird-of-prey, "What shall I call you?" The bird's eye flashed, as if annoyed by the consideration of such a trifling matter, or by the consideration that this trifling matter had not yet been settled. But who knows what birds think?

"Hullo up there! Alex! Hullooo!" Another twelve year-old, another inverted yob. A shock of shockingly blood-red hair sprouted out above his eager face, cut in the atmospheric fighter's style, half-an-inch covering the top running back to the top of the neck, and an inch stripe on both sides about one-thirds towards the ears. His eyes were blacker than peesh, the main energy source of the planet Delphi.

"Hello, Jake." the proud hawk-owner smiled, as young, inverted syob often do when they see their friends. The smile was a bright one, a vivid indication that he belonged in the royal line. Militia returning to their farms often told stories around the village fires about their Hawkwood commanders, saying that the primpy officers would perform acts that made women’s waxing seem like petting: They would use fire to burn any foreign materials off their teeth! This, of course, was completely erroneous.

The fact was that the Nobel House of Hawkwood used a kind of laser technology to increase the effectiveness of their toothbrushes, but the rumor is a good illustration of Delphi peasantry's view of their sovereign masters. And that view is not unfounded: Hawkwood prides itself on being the only Nobel House whose personal aesthetics are pleasing in the traditional sense, and go to great measures to protect this great achievement. Many of the planets' peoples, especially those not in the five worlds of the Byzantine-II Federation, denounce such proceedings as unnecessary and childish. Many people, however, fanatically follow the styles and surgeries of the House of Hawkwood and the disturbances and debates in the Byzantine-II Senate arising from the clashing opinion of the Noble House of Aragon that Hawkwood is in error concerning this serious matter of honor.

The Inter-Planetary Media, of course, enjoys covering this sort of topic, something that they have mysteriously done since the creation of the World Wide Web in the late 20th-century, when they started the recruitment of ex-spies to follow the doings of several eminent ladies-of-society, most of whose names have been forgotten. One, however, Lauren Logan, has been remembered, for after serving a six-year prison term, she began to use her fame and prison-found maturity in the area of politics, and within a decade became the President of the United States, the most powerful and influential political position on Holy Terra at the time, and, some say, the most powerful person at all, save for Margaret Stewey, who had acquired the majority of the stock of a mega-company named Hal-Mart in a brilliant economic move marred by the suspicion of insider-trading. Many say that Millary Hinton, President of the United States, had herself been involved in the financial trade, and covered up some wrong doings. One of the chief contemporary believers of this theory was Arthur McSquashegger, who had also been the President of the United States. But that is old history, back to the year 3414.

"Hello, Jake." said Alexius. The reader must remember that the writer is only re-stating this because the reader may have forgotten what came before the history lesson, not because Alexius had amnesia and forgot his own greeting, ergo repeating it. Also, the writer wishes to request forgiveness from any reader who takes this kind thought of remembrance as an insult to the intellectual faculty of his or her memory. The writer would also wish the forgiveness of any females offended by the thought that the writer might be suggesting by the phrase 'his or her' that the female reader is male.

"Hello, Jake." said Alexius, who, the writer would like to say is one of his favorite characters, at least for now, as at the tender age of twelve the iyob is prejudiced against females. The writer thought it necessary to tell the reader that Alexius is currently prejudiced against females, because the writer doubts the reader's intelligence. Whether this dubiousness comes from the undeniable fact that the reader is actually reading one of the writer's book, or the unrelated fact that the writer is writing this two days before leaving for college, is in debate, as the reader may ascertain at any time by searching 'Fields of Flowers' on the Galactic Gallery Galore site .

"Hello, Jake." said Alexius.

"Hello, Alex!"

"Ugh! That's a girl's name! I hate girls! I wish they'd all get eaten up by that Farney monster in that ancient horrow show. Can you believe that some historians thought that was a children's show? Ugh! I hate girls! I'm prejudiced against women! I will devote my entire life to the study of misogyny. I endeavor to have the temerity to initiate the conclusion of their mawkishness, though that may be more impossible than the understanding of said gender."

See? Was not the writer correct in assuming the reader could not pick up on Alexius's little anti-girl vibe?

Note: The writer has just been informed by the editor that the writer's facts have, somehow, some say purposefully, been warped. The preceding dialog must be replaced.

"Hello, Jake." said Alexius.

Note: The writer has just been informed by the editor that the writer's use of the same expression over and over and over again, over and over and over again, over and over and over again, over and over and over again, will probably grow wearisome to the reader. Hence, the preceding dialog must be replaced.

"What's goin' down, dawg?" belched the iyob surnamed Hawkwood, with a belch, the writer must say, was accompanied with much emotion, bringing envy to all melodramatic opera singers who correctly imagine the sound.

Note: The writer has just been informed by the editor that the writer's use of slang combined with the multi-syllabic word 'surnamed', and the use of the word which names that violent expulsion of air through the mouth combined with the maudlin word ‘melodramatic’ will probably seem incongruous to the reader. Therefore, the preceding dialog must be replaced.

"Dude!" said Alexius.

"Dude!" said Jake.

"Dude!" said Alexius.

"Dude!" said Jake.

"Dude!" said Alexius.

"Dude!" said Jake.

"Dude!" said Alexius.

"Dude!" said Jake.

Note: The writer has just been informed that the editor, upon reading the preceding dialog, grew more and more melancholy and tearful, nostalgia of the editor's hometown flashing across his mind's eye, until, finally, with the editor's water works working enough to replenish an athlete, the editor straight forth bought an over-priced slab of plastic and began a new life on the sea, for no other apparent purpose than to hide the editor's zi...er, acne, by the metamorphosis of the editor's apparent facial pigmentation into the same color as said prob...er, condition. Henceforth, the writer should be able to continue without disturbance, although the writer has decided to change the preceding dialog to prevent the destruction of any more people.

"Hello, Jake." said Alexius.

Note: The writer has just been informed by the writer's wife to get a real job. The continuation of this story will be marked by the efforts put forth into commanded enterprise. Need it be said, the preceding dialog...er, etc.

"Hello, Jake!" exclaimed Alexius, kicking a foot back in the air and clasping his two hands together in front of his neck, as women often do, saying that they would rather strangle themselves than breath if the approaching party happens to put forth an unpleasant odor.

Note: The writer's new editor has strangely declared the previous paragraph as satirical. The writer has been given an altogether new writing assignment.

Top 5 Tips of the Time

1. Sales spells selas backwards, and spend spells dneps backwards, and on spells no backwards, so Spend on Sales, because Dneps no Selas!

2. Don't listen to them...they really DO want you to act irrational. They are just acting so...irrational.

3. DO buy the exact same shirt from a different store for twice the price just because the tag says M instead of L.

4. DO denounce quarter-pound cheeseburgers as evil.

5. DO eat a whole pint of ice cream immediately after denouncing quarter-pound cheeseburgers as too full in calories.

Note: The writer has quit the writer's new job because, instead of the writer's article being seen as the ironic work it was meant to be, the writer's new job's magazine's public's mind has become enthralled with the BRILLIANT tips provided by the writer's fertile and productive genius. Paparazzi began to follow the writer, declaring the writer as the reincarnate Dr. Bill, or the masculine form of the 21st-century do-gooder Ocra. The writer has decided to start completely over, and try a new style of writing based upon the concepts set down by 21st-century art, by which means we are all sure he will succeed in the creation of a masterpiece of literary beauty.

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Note: The writer has become so zealous of beauty of all kinds after seeing his own defining work, which is now #1 on New Dork's Best Seller List, that the writer has decided to save the beauty of the galaxy by conservation. In lieu of writing, the writer will now seek to reduce energy consumption by flying the writer's own personal energy-guzzling spaceship, running a huge mansion requiring thousands of times the amount of energy of a normal place of abode, and winning an Oscarro.