VISITING THIS ACHE

I got what I wanted
that place in me ignited for a time
but it was stronger than I was ready for
suddenly I was
back twelve years
driving home alone
a pounding I can't describe in my chest
a quiver in my stomache
My God, I remember your love
like you comfiscated it last night
like you took your heart away
from a child who wasn't playing with it right
Why am I visiting this ache?
Why do I want to wash away in the
water under the bridge?
Doing the dead man's float
in the tide pools of my past
it's probably the child in me
or old love
bubbling up through everything that's new
Like magma slithering up
through the mantle and crust
taking me by surprise
bringing water to my eyes
hitting me broadside
I found myself sitting at our old stoplight
when an old song slipped out of the radio
I was with you the first time I heard it
And I started to laugh
I laughed until I started to cry
from a deep, forgotten well
that seemed bottomless
all those things I felt rushed back
the desperation of those first few months alone
the hopelessness
the epiphany
the moving on
wave after wave slammed into me
I wanted a cigarette, but I'd quit
I wanted to run away for weeks, but I had committed
I wanted to kiss you so hard that the past
and the present melted and erased
all that had come between
but I'd been too exhausting to love