Shadows of Paul
by Tleiaxu

I.
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

Edgar Allen Poe

June 14, 2006

There’s an ant on my math test. Its tiny antennae sway with my breath. It crosses point (3, 2) and stands on the thin tangent line I drew with a ruler.

I pin it under my thumb and read the next problem. I’m in the tranquil state, the calm of mind where the world is clear as dew, and answers fall from me like raindrops. Like breathing mist.

When I lift my thumb to see the microscopic carnage, the little ant’s antennae twitch and it crawls down toward my pencil, which I drop. The ant isn’t even injured. I watch it move with deep interest. It’s easy in this state of mind to find the patterns of its twitches intriguing. I squish it again, with the same thumb, and again, it moves about, unscathed. I let out a quiet laugh and rub it, hard, with my fingers. Nothing.

1. Ants

"Paul? Are you done? ..." She whispered so softly, no way could anyone hear them.

Paul looked up at Lilly and her silver hair. "Oh, right..." he whispered back, clicking his tongue and flipping through his test. "Dammit, I didn't even get past the first page."

"What? Why not?" She turned her grey eyes down at his paper and frowned. "Paul..."

Paul wouldn't look at her. He sat with his forehead in his hand, his fingers laced through dark bangs, and stared at his desk, where the ant approached his bony hand and crawled over a knuckle. He even felt the whispery tickle of its feet.

"You should go to the office, you look kind of sick," Lilly said in a low voice. "Maybe they'll let you do a retake."

Paul shook his head. His almost-black hair gathered in soft, unbrushed locks and shifted against drawn-in shoulders. If he left now, he wouldn't get to see Gabriel. "I'm fine. I feel like an idiot though, I didn't study at all."

"Ah... but you never studied before, and you did okay..."

Paul shrugged and looked out the window. Kids were filing out of their classrooms early and he shifted in his seat. The air was warm and clear. Sunlight hit dense green leaves and landed in yellow patches over the reds and blues of hats and backpacks. He threw his broken pencil in a faded black bag along with his notebook and zipped it up. His rustling echoed against the silent concentration of the test-takers.

Mr. Retering shot Paul a glance from the front of the classroom. He motioned Paul up to his desk with a wave of his hand, fluorescent classroom lights reflecting blue in his glasses and dusty grey hair. He caught on way too fast. Paul sighed and stood on bony legs, black jeans sagging over a non-existent rear.

"Paul," Mr. Retering whispered, taking Paul's test and laying it on his desk without a glance. "Always done quicker than I expect. Have you thought any more about that linear algebra summer course?"

Paul shrugged and looked out the window at leaves shifting in an early summer breeze. "I told you I have to work full-time this summer. And the class is during the day. There's no way I can do it."

"We can't discuss this now... but will you come see me after school next week sometime? I have a few ideas about that."

"Sure, alright."

"Thanks. Get on to lunch, then."

Paul strode out of the class. Of course, by then, Mr. Retering would see he didn't take the test. And he'd be irate. But it didn't matter. Paul sat down on a patch of sunlit grass and leaned back against the cement wall that lined the quad. His little ant persisted. It ran between his fingers and over his Celtic knot puzzle-ring Gabriel had given to him when they started dating.

"Bizz. As long as you're gonna be around, I guess I have to name you. Bizz."

He pulled a saggy paper bag from his pack and munched into a thin, squished baloney sandwich he’d slapped together that morning. It actually tasted kind of good. He was getting hungry. The ant crawled over his bite-mark and Paul swore, plucking the ant between his fingers and flicking it to the ground. But when he looked back at his sandwich, the ant was still in the same spot, its antenna twitching around as it crawled spastically up and down the little crumbs of bread.

"What's up Paul? Pissed about your shitty food again?" Gabriel laughed. Apparently he'd been watching this whole fiasco. Paul shaded his eyes from the sun and looked up at Gabriel and his clean-cut sky blue polo shirt. He was Greek, every inch of a trim, dark Greek man, down to the nose. Too bad Gabe knew nothing about Greece.

"I guess. But whatever, I’m hungry enough to eat it." He patted the grass next to him, and Gabriel sank down, planting a soft kiss on Paul's cheek.

"But I don't think that counts as food. Here." He plopped a ziplock with apple slices and carrots in Paul's lap. "I asked mom to throw an extra one in. Just for you."

Paul laughed and shook his head. "You and your mom..." but he kissed Gabriel's cheek with the same softness in return.

"Hnn," Gabe sighed. "C'mere..." He touched his palm to Paul's smooth face and grazed his lips against Paul's. Paul smiled, mmm, apples on his breath, and pressed their lips into a kiss. He could never get over how sweet Gabe's kisses were. Tender. Like now, Gabe's lips parted over Paul's bottom lip and so gently enveloped it as they kissed, lightly trailing the tip of his tongue over Paul's sensitive skin.

Paul's grey-green eyes fluttered open, out of focus, swimming. He tilted his head, let Gabe's kisses trail down his jaw line, over the tender slim line of his neck. All his muscles relaxed. That is, until Bizz crawled over Gabe's shoulder, and Paul gasped, pulling back.

"What?"

"There's a bug on your back!"

"What?? Get it off!" Gabe withdrew and turned his neck over his shoulder to see, but he couldn't see it. "Where? Is it big?? Help me!"

Paul blinked a few times and brushed at Bizz, but the ant only managed to get caught up in Paul's fingers again. A streak of panic touched him and he clamped up, clenching his jaw and retreating behind his long bangs. "...It's gone."

"Thank God..." Gabriel's eyes rested back on Paul and seemed to shift into a lower gear. "Paul..." He brushed Paul's hair aside, confused. "You okay? It was just a bug."

Paul closed his eyes and turned his head away.

For a moment, the entire lawn had been swarming with ants.

Ants, blackening even the wet spots in the corners of Gabriel's lovely brown eyes. Paul shuddered back, curling against cool shaded cement. "Sorry," he said, eyes still closed. He was afraid to open them again.

A soft kiss touched his lips. "Paul... so sensitive." Gabe kissed Paul again and pushed fallen locks of hair behind his ear. "What's wrong?" He whispered.

Paul drew a trembling breath. "I... Just felt strange all of a sudden, I don't know why..." Uncertain hazel eyes blinked open to meet a gentle, brown concern. The ants were gone. Bizz was gone. Paul sighed deeply in relief and smiled. "Ah, it's fine now, don't worry about it."

Gabe sat back, quiet, and pulled the rest of his food out of his bag. He stared at the Tupperware container filled with leafy green salad, fruit, and boiled eggs, then back at Paul's dilapidated, tiny lunch.

"Paul, how’s everything with your mom? You never talk about her anymore."

Paul swallowed. "I don't know, she seems okay. She's kind of distant. But she's not... not as bad as she was."

"She talk to you at all?"

Paul shook his head. "No, just, you know, 'do the dishes,' and 'Goin' out with Doug, be back tomorrow...' No yelling, at least."

Gabriel nodded and started in on his lunch. "I get worried when you do that. That hiding thing. Like you're gone for a minute. Makes me think something's not right with you, but you never talk about it."

Paul's chest clenched and his shoulders shrunk in. Never talk about it. He ducked his head and ate another carrot, dark locks of hair shadowing his face.

"Forget it," Gabe said, as if were reading Paul's thoughts. He reached an arm around Paul’s shoulders and pulled him back in, whispering a kiss on top of his head. "It'll be alright."

Paul's mouth turned up at the corners. He leaned against Gabe and stared out at the other students dashing about and eating in little circles on the grass, sunlight making their hair glow.