3.4 Fireworks

July 4th, 2006

I miss the shaded waves of peace that sometimes layer in my mind. They are hard to come across, now that I am here with Gabriel's family. I feel like an ink spot on their clean lives. A black hole tainting their bright universe. My flow of words is studded. I'm awkward, and messy. I would rather sit alone, watch the sunlight filter through mulberry leaves outside the bedroom window than watch movies with their family.

It's never simple. How could it be, when a thousand ants crawling over my skin would comfort me more than a warm hug from Gabriel's mother? I am surrounded by friendly smiles, but I miss the company of twisted friends I created in the tunnels of my own sordid mind.

I can see Gabe's family now, in the yard, talking with the neighbors about plans for tonight, and Gabriel is practically leaping as he runs to look through the assorted fireworks. I hate fireworks. Too violent, messy, loud. They think I am sleeping, but I don't sleep much lately.

They are sunshine, warm brown skin, and gentle embraces. No wonder they find me hard to understand. A darkness hangs about me, fades to black as it reaches my lungs, my heart, and it becomes a formidable shield.

They are closer than anyone else has ever been.

Maybe I don't want them to be.

Maybe I only want Gabriel.

I watch them move and chatter, too far away to hear their words, too close to ignore their brilliance. No matter how they try, there is a place inside me their light will never reach. Even Gabriel, even his love...

And so easily I slide into the comfort of despair.

I wonder if this world was ever meant for me. Me, and all my shadows.

…

"Hey Paul, mom wants you to come help set up the tables out back," Jason's voice came through the door.

Paul didn't answer him, just watched leaves shift in the warm evening breeze.

"Paul? Are you still sleeping?" He whined. "Gabe wants you to come out..."

Eventually, Jason walked away, and Paul could hear his footsteps pad down the carpeted hall.

Leaves fluttered, a bright warm green, surrounded by tufts of whitish blooms. The branches that held them up were smooth, slim, and strong. Paul stared, hypnotized, as sounds of laughter drifted on the wind, and the smell of grilling meat and barbeque sauce grew stronger.

The afternoon light dwindled into night, but the thought of joining them filled Paul with dread. He wanted to, because they wanted him to. But the urge wasn't strong enough to fight against his aversion to their happiness. They made him sick.

Maybe he'd want to be out there, maybe, if he lived on this block with his mother, and she could stand outside laughing and eating with all of them. If she could be here, maybe he could let go and laugh.

But she was gone.

Her stupid television wasn't on. Her ugly, messy house littered with plastic bottles and food wrappers were sitting alone, still, dead. The landlord would miss the rent soon enough, and find the house empty. Then it would be gone too, fixed, rented to some other family, probably a good one, with two bratty kids and a dog, and a Dad who played soccer in the back yard with them. Paul hated his mother deeply and missed her so badly it made him dizzy.

The bedroom door opened, then closed again almost soundlessly, followed by stillness. Paul knew Gabe had stepped inside. He could sense Gabriel's presence without seeing him or even hearing him. He knew Gabe's eyes rested on his back.

Two warm hands enclosed Paul's shoulders and he still didn't turn. The leaves. They were hypnotizing.

"Paul," Gabe said softly. "What's wrong?"

Paul wanted to say nothing, letting his eyes drift closed. But now he hated that word. It was a lie. And Gabriel's hands felt nice. He didn't deserve to be lied to... "Just watching the leaves."

The hands moved down Paul's chest until Gabriel's arms encircled his shoulders. "Why don't you come out and get ready for the barbeque with us? You'll feel better."

Paul shifted now, a soft smile turning his lips. He couldn't help but lie a little, though he spoke no words. His expression lied. He pretended he was happy and returned the embrace, breathing against Gabe's chest.

Suddenly Paul pulled Gabe off balance, sending him falling onto the bed, hovering over him as Gabe's larger body crashed onto the covers. Paul looked down into those deep brown eyes.

"I felt like being alone a while, I guess," Paul said. Gabriel was smiling now, reaching up to touch Paul's face.

"Hnn, have you had enough yet?"

"Not really," Paul dipped down and kissed Gabe's lips, then the bridge pf his nose, and forehead, fingers trailing down the middle of Gabe's chest. "Unless you want to change my mind."

Laughing, Gabe pulled Paul down next to him on the bed. "Of course I do," he gave Paul a deep kiss that lingered, making both their eyes close. They ran their fingers through each other's hair, lips grazing and tongues softly joining in a sweet, sleepy laziness.

"Gabriel," Paul said against Gabe's breath.

"Mmm hmm?"

"What did you like about me, when we first met?" His eyes searched Gabe's face, suddenly vulnerable, curious. "What makes you want me?"

Gabriel, a little confused by the question. It seemed to come out of nowhere. He had to turn on his back and look at the ceiling to give it some thought. Gabe pulled his arms behind his head and moved his foot back and forth.

"I thought you were really attractive," Gabe said quietly after some time. Paul watched him and turned to match his position, looking up at the patterns in the white paint. "There's just something about you, Paul... this thing that excites me. This ... dark aliveness in you. And the fact you liked me back... You, liking someone like me. I wonder if I'm boring, compared to you. I guess I'd have to ask you the same question," he smirked, eyeing Paul, who smiled at the ceiling... "In fact, I'm a little surprised that we haven't talked about it before. It all just seemed so natural to me, I never thought of why. I just... liked you. I like the feeling you give me. Like everything I do is important."

Paul thought about this. "Yeah... I never thought about why, either. I was too busy being happy you were there." He flipped onto his side, laying an arm over Gabe's broad chest and kissing his ear, still smiling. "You're not boring. And I like the way you make me feel, too. Like I matter."

They kissed deeply now, knowing their reasons were the same. It made them feel golden inside, and poured out through their mouths, heat welling between them. Gabriel pulled Paul up against his chest, his tongue gently pressing farther into Paul's mouth.

Before long, Gabe hopped up, slid Paul underneath him, and pressed his weight down on Paul's hips, all in one smooth motion. It made Paul's breath catch in his throat... so goddamn sexy... He stared up at Gabe, waves of need consuming him for a moment, like... fireworks.

Just now, the window lit up with a blue-white light, followed by smoke and soft crackling sounds.

"Oh my God, we're gonna miss it! They started it without me? Come on, Paul, let's run out there--" Gabe hopped off Paul and the bed shook.

The sudden loss of contact stung. Paul bit down on his tongue, but he didn't get up. Instead, he sat and hung his feet off the side, fingers touching the sheets that hung over the corner of the bed. His skin felt so sensitive that it burned. He didn't watch Gabe pull socks high over his calves.

"Are you coming?"

Paul shook his head. Was it getting hotter in there? Another firework went off and Paul pulled at the neck of his shirt. Gabe slowed down. He unrolled his shirt over his chest, eyeing Paul with a sigh. "But it'll be fun..."

Paul shrugged and stood up, causing Gabe to break into a relieved smile. But the smile froze when Paul shut the blinds, pulling the thick curtains closed and blocking out the light.

"Paul..." Gabe pulled on a tennis shoe. "You can't just shut yourself up in here all the time. You should come out. It will make you feel better... being around people..."

"I told you, I don't like fireworks," he said nearly under his breath. "I told you yesterday."

Gabe blinked, his hands hesitating with his second shoe. "D-Did you want me to stay?"

Paul shook his head. "Go on, I know you love it. They'll miss you," he said with a soft smile.

"They'll miss you Paul. I'll miss you. I already do."

"I just want to be alone awhile, Gabe," he lied, heart torn. He wanted his mom to be there, and knew it was childish of him, afraid to go out into the world while he knew she was somewhere, maybe lost, without him. It hurt him deeply, though... He felt vulnerable, raw, tired. He couldn't face their happiness. He couldn't go outside. But it was too hard to say all this, because it was wound so tightly around his heart that he wondered if the sadness was the only thing holding it together.

"You've been wanting to be alone since you came here! My family likes you, Paul... There's nothing to worry about..."

"I don't like fireworks."

Exasperated, Gabe hissed, pulling on his shoe.

"Fine. Stay in the dark, if you love it so much." He flipped the light out. The door snapped shut behind him, cracking against the frame loud enough to make Paul jump.

It took Paul a long time to adjust to the shift in mood, surrounded by pitch black. He couldn't help but wonder bitterly if he liked it better this way.

Did he? Did it feel better, in the dark? Did it beg him to cry out for other people? Did it make him want this time he spent alone to matter?

Somehow... Somehow... Blue... the blue of night on the grass. On the grass, on half Gabriel's face, half his arm, that night they stared up at the stars.

God... Goddamn it...

Paul slowly raised his hand in front of his face and swore he could see its shape moving though all the light was gone from the room.

Here I am... He closed his eyes, thought it didn't make a difference, so he opened them again. Just as dark. Paul focused on the blackness where his hand should be. Where were they? The ants... Bizz... Where were they? Had they left him too, now? Everyone left him. Everyone left. His father, his mother. The ants. How long before Gabriel left him, too?

A streak of disappointment seared through him and he knew he would not see his friends. Not tonight. If he wanted friends tonight, he'd have to go outside. Paul shuddered and backed up, his knees hitting the corner of the bed. He sat down heavily.

Paul looked around the room now, though he saw nothing, he could imagine it well enough. Alone in the darkness. Sounds and sights and smells all shut out. With no one to talk to, Paul felt... well, he felt stupid. There was no one here. Just him, and these inanimate objects, bed, wall, door, shoe... hands.

Eventually, Paul let his hand drop back into his lap. Light managed to seep through the curtains for a particularly bright firework, only to give everything in the room a red glow, casting deep, dark shadows.

Paul stood up slowly, and walked to the door. He pulled at the handle with so little force that it did not turn, and panic surged through him. Maybe it wouldn’t open.

But it did.

Dim light angled down the hallway and Paul padded downstairs. He slipped his feet into his dingy grey shoes in the foyer, earthy tiles of the floor cool and still. The widows lit up around him, and a loud cheer rose, dwindling off into some childish laughs and the sound of sparklers sizzling, popping. He didn’t want to go.

Paul opened the front door quietly and stepped out into the cool night air. At least 15 people were crowded out in the street and sidewalk, a barbecue steaming at the edge of Gabe’s lawn. Gabe’s dad leaned over it, in a stained white apron, his expression serious as he turned a steak, as if he were performing some direly important ritual.

Gabriel was out in the street, lighting ground flowers and throwing them with a younger neighbor, laughing as they spun, whizzed and collided colorfully like Tasmanian devils. It was pretty, the way they left streaks behind in Paul’s vision, fluorescent green and pink lines dancing through the darkness.

Paul kept his distance, watching the scene through narrowed eyes. No one noticed him walk silently over the grass to lean against the trunk of the mulberry tree, off to the side of the house. He crossed his arms over his chest, his heart thudding beneath them, and closed his eyes, just listening to all the voices.

“Hey! That was mine, you had this one!”

“Your loss!”

Feet, grass, explosions.

“Alright who’s got the first burger?”

“I do!”

“I want a cheeseburger, where’s the cheese?”

Rustling. Plastic. Fire.

“Oh no, he’s setting off the big one. Gabe! We’re saving that for last!”

“What? Why?”

“Gabe, don’t let it—”

Yelling laughter, a soaring, high pitched wail, crackling, oohs and ahhs.

Paul shifted and recrossed his arms, sweat gathering on his forehead. He swallowed thickly, but didn’t open his eyes. He sank down to sit, eventually, and rested his head on his knees, drifting off, swimming among all the sounds.

“…not allowed to sleep. Come on Paul, you’re gonna light one.”

Paul was yanked up by his arm before he even fully woke up. Gabriel was grinning. He looked so handsome when he smiled at Paul like that… Paul shook his head, making a small squeak of protest.

“Stop pulling me,” he dug his heels in the lawn.

“Nope.” Gabe dragged him, gripping Paul’s arm tight and forging a sparkler into his hands. Paul’s shoes stumbled to the cement sidewalk. God he felt ridiculous, being dragged out here, when all these little kids ran around so easily… he must look like a total moron. He finally relaxed enough to look a bit more normal, but Gabe wouldn’t let go of his hand, forcing him to hold the sparkler as he fished around in his pocket for a lighter.

“Jay, where’s the lighter?”

“Catch!!”

Gabe caught it with his other hand, laughing at Paul’s twisted expression. “You’re not getting off that easy,” and he flicked the roller…

The little sparkler exploded in a dazzling green light. Paul didn’t even notice Gabriel’s hand fall away. He wanted to drop it! A few little dots burnt his skin. And several eyes turned to Paul and his tight knuckles.

Paul sneered at Gabe, holding the thing in his fist out in front of him awkwardly. How different his hand looked, though, bathed in flashing green light. Holding on to something hot and alive. So different than that hand when the lights were out, and he could only imagine its outline.

“Okay, it’s not that amazing,” Gabe doubled over with laughter. His face was bright, alive, his hair messy. “Come on, stupid, you’re lighting a real one now.”

Paul scowled even harder. Gabe laughed, pulling him by the elbow out into the street, which was covered in burnt remains, cardboard carcasses, charred piles of dust and ash. The sparkler died, and Gabe plucked it out of his fist.

“What is with you,” he laughed. “Come on.” Gabe stuck the lighter in the space the sparkler stick left behind in Paul’s fist, then pointed to a cone pointing up from the ground with bright blue words printed all over it. Roaring Robin, something stupid like that, Paul scoffed. But he flicked the lighter with a little angered frown. Fine. He’d do it. Stupid fucking fireworks. Who cared about them anyway? Paul bent, flicking the lighter again until it caught against the tip of the cone.

Gabe yanked him back by the shirt just as a glittering shower exploded in pale yellow. It howled. Loud. Paul slapped his hands over his ears, still glowering at Gabe’s laughter.

But pretty soon, he was laughing too.

The fact of the matter was, this was so stupid, that it was funny. Idiotic colored lights and smoky, semi-dangerous explosions. The fact they could capture everyone’s delight… it was ridiculous. Paul couldn’t help but laugh.

Maybe, maybe it had caught his delight, too…. Because he eagerly lit another one.
…

It was past midnight, when they stumbled back into the room, flushed, laughing, energetic.

Gabe started to take his shoes off but Paul had him thrown in the middle of the bed before his hand even reached his foot. Paul was smashing into him with kisses, pinning Gabe by the shoulders into the soft mattress.

“God, I love you,” he gasped and smashed back down against Gabe’s mouth, who was still recovering from the shock.

“Woah – woah…” Paul pulled his own shirt off and bore back down. He wanted more, and he wanted it now. He held Gabe down, eating up all the surprise on Gabe’s reddened, heated face. He kissed him hard, and felt Gabe’s tongue clumsily wrapping around his own, but Paul had the control, the element of shock, and his tongue easily wrestled Gabriel’s with a sharp force. Paul’s mouth suctioned off of Gabe’s and moved over his jaw line. Gabe was busy just trying to keep up with Paul’s rain of frenzied kisses.

They landed on his neck and chest, sucking in the skin sharply. Gabe felt clumsy, because Paul pushed against his shoulders so hard that he couldn’t move – the heels of Paul’s palms dug painfully into his muscles and kept him pinned. Gabe could only bend his arms at the elbows, grazing Paul’s sides with his fingers as the smaller boy bobbed down and up, sharp shoulder blades shifting against his slim, pale back.

Paul ripped Gabe’s shirt up, yanking it over his head, and Gabe gasped. Before he could move, Paul had torn down his pants too, biting at the skin below his belly button. It made Gabe’s hips jump up, crashing against Paul’s chest.

“Paul… Hey—Paul…” Gabe stammered, as he grabbed at Paul’s shoulders, but Paul was kissing and sucking a trail up his stomach, over his brown nipples, and it made Gabe’s joints suddenly loose. His fingers splayed over Paul’s rising and falling shoulders, then dug in when Paul bit. He pushed Paul back with his real strength this time. That hurt.

“Paul!”

Paul stopped, out of breath, and his eyes, totally glazed, met Gabriel’s. He was straddling Gabriel’s hips tightly with his slim hot thighs, his back curved, skin of his chest and stomach flushed, expanding into the lines of his rib cage and sinking back down with his heavy breaths.

Gabe sat up slowly, pushing gently at Paul’s chest.

Paul reached in hard for another kiss, but Gabe wouldn’t let him. It took some force, Gabe realized, to keep Paul’s lips away. His muscles strained.

“Paul…” He said, rather seriously now. Paul was trembling against his hold, as if he was in heat or something, like a wild animal. “Hey. Look at me.”

He was already looking, hungrily, at Gabe’s swollen lips…. Gabe managed to hold him back and still lift a hand to Paul’s chin, very slowly grazing his fingers past the smooth skin. “Calm down, will you?” He smiled softly. “You’re going to hurt me.”

Paul was trembling underneath his skin.

“Hey, you…” Gabe sat up all the way and carefully laid Paul back against the pillows. He pressed his forehead to Paul’s, and kissed him softly. His lips were sore… God that was unexpected. Gabe nestled his kisses into Paul’s neck, which almost tickled in comparison to the roughness from before.

“Paul,” he sighed, laying down and just hugging him. “Will you tell me what’s wrong now?”

“… I miss her,” he answered hoarsely. He felt like he should cry… Paul wiped a few tears away, but his eyes were dry. No more came.

Gabe frowned.

“When I was a kid… you know, we broke down. Both of us, at the same time. We shared it. She…” he almost choked on his words, not wanting to say them. “She played with them, with me. The ants. Like they were dolls.”

His brow furrowed. “Together. Now she left me. She was the only one I had, for such a long time. Just me and her…” his voice trailed off. Then he turned to Gabriel, his eyes dark, quite serious. “Don’t leave me.”

“Paul, I would never—”

“That’s not what I mean. I mean. If things don’t work, for some reason, if this doesn’t work forever… don’t abandon me. Please. You’re all I have left. You’re my family.”

“Paul…” Gabriel was crying now, as Paul probably should have been, but he just watched the tears trail over Gabriel’s face. Gabe reached a trembling touch to Paul’s lips. “Paul, you really have lost everyone, haven’t you? I’m sorry…”

Paul’s lip trembled. He’d known that. Why did it hurt so bad to hear it now, tenderly breaking in Gabriel’s voice?

“…I won’t. I promise. I’ll always be your family, okay? You can come here for Christmas, when you’re 50, if… if…” and he was kissing Paul, tears making his lips slippery and salty.

“Okay…” Paul whispered, kissing the top of Gabriel’s hair and hugging this head. Strange that he should be comforting Gabriel… but somehow, in turn, he was unraveling the hurt that had wound around his heart, and found that underneath it was sore, but not broken.

They kissed until their lips were tired, and their minds were thick with each other, bodies flexing and pushing blindly. Clumsily, Gabriel unbuttoned and zipped down Paul’s pants, with numb, trembling fingers, and slid his hand against the soft cloth and stiff, hot flesh inside. Paul’s breathing deepened; they continued to kiss a little sloppily, as Gabriel’s hand explored the soft curves beneath the Paul’s hardened length. He massaged the skin of Paul’s thighs and pushed his fingers higher, until they met a hot barrier, and he massaged that too. It made Paul moan.

“Gabriel. I want to do it.”

Gabriel smiled at the sweet childishness of the words – they were both a little sleepy, bodies soft and yielding, except for the flesh between both their legs. He wanted it too.

Gabe yanked down at Paul’s pants, letting his slender legs bend and wiggle out. They were engulfed by warmth, and the scent of each other. Gabriel pulled away just long enough to fumble through a bedside drawer, and soon Paul felt a drop of wetness spread between his legs. His face was flushed deep red now, and he curled against Gabriel, relaxed, sleepy, and needing. Gabriel’s finger pushed inside of Paul, and soon had him moaning. It felt good. A comfortable good, the kind that made Paul’s heart bloom with warm blood and golden rays of feeling. Paul’s head lolled back, eyes fluttering closed as Gabe’s soft kisses engulfed his neck. Gabe replaced his finger with a slow, pushing tip.

Gabriel closed his fingers around Paul’s member as he pushed himself in. The heat of Paul slid over him slowly, and he could feel the pulse of a heartbeat against his skin.

It felt so good, Paul thought, to be warm, alive, lazily giving little thrusts of his hips into Gabriel’s hand on one side, and deepening the length inside him on the other. They made little movements like this, touching, breathing, lips too numb to kiss but too loving not to, so their open mouths just pressed against one another wetly.

It was long in coming, but slowly, Paul’s climax built. It felt like a pot of water coming to boil… cool at first, then the heat spread from his center, pulsing and growing hotter one degree at a time.

Gabriel did not change the force of his small thrusts. He did not want to pull out from inside Paul enough to gain the force. He bumped against Paul’s soft rear, letting the tiny moans and wet tongue heighten his sensation. After some time, each small thrust felt electrifying. It amazed him how Paul fell limp in his arms, on the edge of sleep, his face so flushed with desire that Gabriel whimpered against his neck, and filled him with liquid, pumping deep inside of him as he felt Paul spill onto his hand.

They fell asleep, locked in each other’s arms. Paul felt safe. He slept so deeply… all he knew was that even in the darkness of his dreams, he was surrounded by a warm embrace, and it would continue to hold him, keep him from falling into nothing.

July 7, 2007

They still come to me in dreams. Only when my dreams are soft, and new. They come, tiny black specks swarming to form a blackness that covers the patch of gold sunset where I stand on a hill of sweeping grass.

It makes me smile, softly, I can feel their breath of darkness, rushing, relieving. They sweep out the moonlight, street light, hazy blurs of hot July streets. Over Gabriel's hands as he holds me, and laughs, naming them with me on the bedroom floor.

All these shadows I hold close, they only add to my insanity. Take me anyway. I'll bloom, a black flower to your yellow rose. Take me in the unkempt garden where my tangled vines can overgrow. I am the thorn that stabs your lips as you bend to kiss the poison petals. I am the breath that spreads across your neck as I stoop to kiss the wound, only to spread the poisoned blood.

I am the anecdote, that was only liquor all along, and the thick green glass bottle it came in as it slips from your palm.

You love me as I shatter. You love me as you sweep all the shattered pieces in your arms. I love you as I make three thousand little cuts, burrow deep inside your arms, where it's safe and warm.

Together we walk this road of darkness. You become me, God. Me and all my shadows.

The End