Summary: Being an insomniac is really tough

Summary: Being an insomniac is really tough. From having no energy, no appetite, and no attention span, it really gets to you. Then suddenly I am given the gift of sleep, the gift of alertness and precious energy, then most of all, the gift of feeling like a real person. Now I will do just about anything to keep that feeling……mxm / slash

A/N: I want to first thank all who have reviewed and read this story. I greatly appreciate it! I will probably put this story aside for some time and then come back at a later date to edit it. Again, thanks to all who have enjoyed this story!

And I give you, the ending…

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UnDreaming

Part VI: Waking

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I’m at the same place again.

I knew I would probably be here eventually, but it wasn’t something I thought about. Call it stupid ignorance, call it dense thinking. But I wanted such oblivious bliss. And I wasn’t about to over analyze that feeling from my system. But now I can’t disregard it; it is purely impossible.

I haven’t slept in a week.

My hand pauses over the remote as I perceive that the TV is turned off, even though I keep pressing the channel buttons. I am not sure if I accidentally turned off the TV or simply forgot to turn it on in the first place. I place my hand in my lap, not really caring one way or the other.

The first couple days of my renewed insomnia were the worse and by the end Sam had practically locked me in his closet until I could adjust. Now it feels like it did before I met Xander; just numb and completely disconnected. I am barely present at classes and most of the time I zone out on Sam’s couch.

I don’t know what Jimmy thinks of me staying at his and Sam’s apartment, but he hasn’t said anything to me. Or at least that’s what I can remember. Sam has tried talking to me, but his words are too complicated to understand and I just nod and agree with what ever he says. He’s probably right anyway. He’s been right about a lot of things.

I hear the door open and I turn slowly towards the sound. It’s Sam coming back from his math class. He looks around questionably before giving me a disappointed look, “You didn’t do it, did you, Kale?” He walks in slowly and drops his coat on the ground.

I blink, trying to comprehend what he means, “What?” I ask lamely.

He sighs, pushing his books onto the coffee table, “It was only this morning, you know,” He looks at me hopefully, but I am still lost, “Remember talking about Xander? How I think you should talk to him?” He groans and flops down on the chair behind him, “You promised to at least call him, Kale,” He doesn’t sound mad, just really tired.

I run my fingers through my hair. I vaguely remember that conversation, but it seems so far away. It seems that everything that has to do with Xander is pushed from my mind hastily. Sometimes I find it hard to remember what his face looks like, or even what I did to end up as the insomnia freak in Sam’s apartment closet.

I look at my limp hands, forgotten in my lap, “I…forgot.”

“No you didn’t,” Sam snaps back, he pauses, pulling himself back, “You don’t want to, you are afraid, you just want everything to land happily in your lap. Whatever, but you didn’t forget,” He rubs his face with his hands, “God, Kale. You’re turning me into your mother.”

He gets up and walks to the kitchen. I turn to look at him, “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

Sam waves a hand behind his back, “It’s nothing, Kale,” He turns around with an opened can of soda in his hand, “It’s not my job to try to solve your problems,” He takes a sip and mumbles around the top, “Even though I always seem to end up trying to anyway.”

“Then stop,” I murmur, he gives me an odd look, “You don’t have to and I never asked you too. So you can stop trying to solve my problems and leave them to me,” I give him a small smile; it is the most I can manage, “Besides there really isn’t a problem anymore. I was stupid and upset Xander, and now we are no longer friends. It’s over. Just like with Bethany. And I am…just fine with that,” I go back to staring at the empty TV screen.

I flinch slightly when Sam lets out a suppressed growl, “Kale,” He hisses, annoyed. I look at him his face reading You-Better-Listen-Closely-Kale-Because-This-Is-My-Slap-In-The-Face-Speech-And-The-Last-Your-Going-To-Get-So-You-Better-Shut-Up-And-Listen, “I don’t know how you do it.”

“Do what?” I ask, half afraid.

He motions with his hands futilely, “How you…lie to yourself so easily? I mean, what kind of bullshit was that?” He waves at me and at my previous statement, “And how on earth can you believe that? ‘Fine’? ‘Just fine’?” He sits back, looking at me in disbelief, “I sure don’t believe that crap, and you shouldn’t either. But you do, you’ve always have,” He stands and starts to pace, “You’ve always had this habit, Kale. Running away from your problems. More like hiding, I guess. You just…can’t deal with things, or you’ve never learned how, and so you bury yourself under the ground and pray that someday you can come to the surface and everything will be okay.”

I open my mouth to speak, but he cuts me off, still not really looking at me, “It happened when Brent died. You couldn’t deal with it,” He looks down, “And so you brought upon your insomnia to drown yourself in and you forgot completely about him,” He looks at me finally, pausing slightly, “Then you met Xander and he took away the insomnia. Or perhaps you took it away. Perhaps you thought it was safe enough to come back to reality. Perhaps you thought Brent’s memory was finally gone, but it wasn’t. And you soon found that out.”

“But you had Xander there to catch you, to take care of you. And that love you had for Brent, that was killing you inside, found another resting spot in Xander. I didn’t really see it until now, but your emotional dependence became fully placed on to him. And then Bethany came and decided to crush you with her stupid ideals,” He’s pacing again, “So you went back to Xander, for comfort, even if you didn’t realize it at the time. And when your emotions got too out of control, you ran away.”

Sam stops in front of me, staring at me, “And now you’re hiding again in your faithful insomnia, burying yourself deeper and deeper until you feel safe enough to come back out again. Until all the people and problems are just magically gone,” He kneels in front of me, his eyes pleading, “But don’t you see? Everyone will still be here; Xander, Bethany, Jimmy, Me, and even Brent. Events and words may be brief, but people aren’t. And you know that Kale, you know that,” Sam bites his lip, “So stop hiding. Grow some balls and for once in your life take control of your problems and solve them…before it’s too late.”

He stands then and holds up his hands, “That’s all I can say, Kale. If you don’t listen, or if you forget. I am not going to come back here and try to fix you. It is not something I should do; it is not something I can do.”

I hold up my hand, but Sam is already walking away. I don’t know what to say or do, so I just watch him stalk back to his room and shut the door. I’ve never seen him so angry in my life. His anger is a lot different from Bethany’s. Hers was loud and shrieking, his is something more dangerous, just bubbling beneath the surface.

I sit on the couch for a long time, not moving and hardly breathing. I keep thinking about what Sam said over and over again. I am not sure how I could solve my problems, and even if I did, I have no idea how I would summon the strength to follow through with it.

It surprises me on how observant Sam is. I knew he was nosey and was always trying to give advise. But I never imagined how he could connect such deep, unconscious things and bring about such a profound conclusion. My mind is dizzy in his revelation and it is hard to think with my sleep deprived thought process.

I look outside and see that evening has fallen.

-

There were people everywhere.

Dressed in random outfits, from hoop dresses and feathered hats to shimmering skin-tight jeans and plastic vests. I had no idea who they were, but I had no fear of them. They were safe, reliable. They will always be there. They walked slowly around an expansive hall. They all slowly passed by and greeted me by name. I nodded in reply and did the same, even though I didn’t remember learning their names. And I forgot them as soon as they left.

I soon found myself in the center of the room, spinning around and around; observing the kaleidoscope of colors everyone’s outfit made. I smiled broadly, but was stopped short from someone grabbing my shoulders. I looked at the person carefully, it was a man dressed in a plain shirt and pants. I couldn’t recognize his face and I couldn’t say what his name was.

His shoulders were slumped, as if they carried a great burden, “So you don’t remember…,” He murmured and began to move away. I felt so bad that I quickly embraced him, hoping to warm his spirits. His body felt so perfect against mine, so familiar and so right. I noticed that his shirt was bloodstained and his right arm hung at an odd angle. His breathing was labored and his chest seemed sunken inward.

He slipped from my grasp then and I tried to grab him again, but he slid between the crowds. I rushed after him, but suddenly everyone was pressing in on me, blocking me from escaping. Between shoulders and necks I could see the stranger pass away and completely vanish.

All the people fell on me then, and I couldn’t see anymore

I look up from my dull stare then. I was looking at the TV, but not really seeing it. I don’t know why I suddenly remembered that old dream. I used to get it all the time after Brent died and before my insomnia. Even years later I can still conjure up the vivid image.

I used to cry after I woke up from having the dream, as I realized that the strange, bloodied person was Brent. I used to close my eyes and try to banish it from my memory. I never actually saw Brent after the accident, but my mind always made up grotesque images for me.

I stand then, not wanting to remember it anymore. I look outside through the window and see that it is barely starting to snow in the darkness. I press my hand against the window and breathe a soft fog onto the glass. It must be a little after midnight.

I have the sudden urge to go walking outside. My tired brain always appreciates refreshing cold to help it think better. I grab my jacket, which had been retrieved by Sam last week. It doesn’t feel the same on my shoulders, like I grew too large for it. I shrug, it is warm and that is all that matters.

The snow is barely sticking to the pavement and my footprints are almost nonexistent. I walk into the parking lot and head off into some of the smaller streets by Sam’s apartment. The street lights are dulled by the falling snow and everything is so quiet, it almost seems dead.

I lose track of time and when I sit down to rest my tired legs, I see that I am back to my old dorm. I stare at the solemn front doors and I pause in an odd standoff against the building. My feet are rooted to the spot and I can’t breathe. The moment passes and I tear my numb legs away from the building.

I walk until the building is out of sight and then collapse into a park bench that lines the sidewalk. I shiver slightly as the snow is now building up. I wipe my head and watch the white particles fall to the ground. I look up at the clouded sky and the deep, silent darkness surrounds me.

A movement out of the corner of my eye catches my attention and I look to see a figure coming towards me. My tired eyes take a long time to recognize the large shape of Xander walking slowly. My body tenses and I have the urge to run, but my mind is too frozen to give the command.

Xander comes ever closer and I start shaking from my nerves. He stands besides me, his face boring into me, but completely blank, “Can I sit here?” He asks, motioning slightly to the empty side of the bench.

His eyes never leave mine. I can’t speak so I nod instead. He pauses, still staring at me, before bending over and wiping it free of snow. He sits down slowly and I can hardly breathe. I make my fingers into fists as I try to suppress my shivering.

“Why does it take you so long?” I flinch and look at Xander. He is staring at me, “Why does it take you so long to come back? A week just to show up at the dorm for a moment? And only for a pause in the middle of the night?” His voice is so flat, “And I am still waiting for you to talk to me, acknowledge me. How long is that going to take? Another week? Another month? Another year?...Never?”

I want to say something, I really do. But I have no strength to open my mouth wide enough for any words to come out. His face is no longer blank, it is desperate, “Kale? Can you see me? Do you know who I am? Have you forgotten all about me?”

My old dream flashes before my eyes, except Brent’s battered body is replaced with Xander’s snowy one. Brent’s disappointed eyes replaced with Xander’s hopeless ones. And then suddenly I am smothering myself with my own excuses, illusions, and feelings; trying to banish the hurt away.

“Never,” I force my eyes open, pushing my protection away, “I could never…forget,” It feels like my chest is opening up to the bitter wind, “I can’t do that…I could never do that,” I can feel cold tears leaking from my eyes and my lips feel like they’re bleeding with ice. I start to breathe deeper and a hidden heat slowly rises. I look out into the snow shower and see the mist of my warm breath, “It just took me awhile to realize that,” I look at Xander, “And even longer to remember how to fix it.”

“So do you remember now?” His voice is soft, almost too soft to hear in the matting snow.

“Something inside me must…,” I look at my balled fists and loosen them, not sure what to say next, “And it is always trying to tell me.”

“Are you listening?”

I close my eyes for a moment, before opening them, “It is the only thing I can do,” There is a strange silence as we both try to figure what I mean by that.

Xander leans back suddenly, surprising me slightly, I didn’t see how stiff he was, “You know, even if you didn’t come, Sam has been visiting me a lot,” I look up, curious. Xander lowers his eyes, “He doesn’t know what to do anymore. He keeps coming to me, hoping I have better insight. But I think he knows much more than I do.”

“Yes, he does,” I whisper, “I probably wouldn’t be here without him.”

“Do you mean here, in this moment? Or some time much farther away?”

“Both,” I shake my head then and see more snow flakes tumble to my lap. I turn to Xander, biting my lip, I look him straight in the eye, “But he didn’t need to tell me that what I said to you was the stupidest thing to ever come from my mouth,” I swallow thickly, “So I am sorry…for all of it,” It is all I can say.

Xander hesitates, reading my face closely, before nodding slowly, “Thank you, and I accept your apology, even if it is way overdue.”

I grimace and close my eyes, “I am sorry for that too, sorry for making you and Sam feel bad, sorry for causing so much trouble, sorry for being so dense, sorry for being so slow to understand myself, but I do now, I really do,” I bite my lip, “And I am sorry for waking you in the middle of the night and following me to a frozen park bench,” I open one eye to look at him, he is staring, rather interested, at the falling snow.

“You didn’t wake me,” He murmurs, almost absently.

I look at him, “You couldn’t sleep?” Now I really feel bad for making him lose sleep.

He shrugs and looks at me, “You’re not the only who can’t sleep when they’re upset. At least I can sleep during the day; it is only at night when it’s a real problem,” He pauses, “Because that is when you’re not there.”

“When I’m not there?” I repeat.

He gives off a small, sheepish smile. My chest feels warmer just seeing it again, “Yeah. You know, you used to move around a lot in the night. So I began to hold you in a tight grip to keep you still,” His eyes glimmer, “You wouldn’t struggle when I held you that close.”

My cheeks glow warm, growing from the numbed state they have been in for the last week, “You missed that?” I ask, watching my breath rise.

He leans forwards and wipes the snow from my hair, “No,” He whispers, “I missed you.”

I can’t move, “Really? Even after I said such horrible things? Even though I am annoying, stupid, and far too dense to be normal?”

He laughs then and leans back against the bench, stretching his legs out. I begin to breathe again. His laughter is ringing and bright in the deadness around us, “Yes, all of that and more.”

I can feel my face redden, “More?” I put my face in my hands, “I should probably apologize for all of the things I don’t even realize I am doing,” The hopeless feeling is starting to creep back.

“You don’t have to say anything more,” I hear him say. I look up at him; he appears to be in deep thought, “Though there is one thing I wouldn’t mind hearing again.”

I stare at him, “What?” I don’t know what I have said before that he liked.

Xander smiles, relaxes further into the corner of the bench, “It was the last thing you said since we last saw each other,”

I don’t like to think about that terrible conversation, or more like a one-sided yelling match. I try to conjure up the last thing anyway, it is hard to delve so deep through the repression, “Was it…,” I bite my lip and the words speak to my mind, I fucking love you and I fucking hate you. I wish I could grasp my words and rip them to indiscernible shreds, “I can’t say that.”

Xander winces, understanding, “Yes, but I’d rather hear it said nicer, I think,” He is looking at me closely, his face is waiting patiently, but his eyes are impatient and needy.

I can feel my face burning, but I keep eye contact anyway. The words are at the edge of my tongue and it is almost too painful not to let go, “I-I love you-”

My words are almost cut off as he swings forward quickly and catches my voice in a kiss. I stay completely frozen, having never kissed anyone in my life. Xander’s lips feel so warm and soft. I have no doubt my own are chapped and bruised from worrying. My chest feels like it is going to burst and my lips feel like their buzzing with energy.

Xander breaks the kiss, but his face stays close to mine, “Yes, they taste as sweet as they feel.”

My body feels like it is going to float away, “R-really?” It is the most I can stutter out. I can feel is hands grasping mine, as if he knows how light I feel right now.

“Do you want to try?” He asks. I nod, though it is hard for me to comprehend what he is offering. I find my eyes meeting his and I realize what a startling shade of grey they are. I hear his words then, “I love you, Kale.”

And then he is kissing me again and I feel so happy I could smile or giggle like a baby. He keeps kissing me over and over again and every time I taste his beautiful words. He pauses after awhile, and I lean forward and press my face into his familiar neck, breathing in his familiar scent. Yes, it is quite sweet.

“How do you feel, Kale?” He asks, a smile in his voice. He begins to rub my back with his gloved hands. My entire body with burning with heat, but I never want him to stop. I wrap my arms around him and I can almost feel his warmth through both our coats. I close my eyes, “I feel perfect.”

And I fall asleep.

-Fin