Chapter 26

Talking is overrated. No one really listens; they just pretend too. Plus the fact that I always end up saying something I regret, or that’s wrong, whenever I open my mouth. Everything is so much better when I don’t talk.

I wish I could just go mute, and not talk unless I wanted too. Like an on/off switch for talking. It would make life so much easier, yes? Maybe I’ll have my chance sometime soon, though, because I’m going back to loner status in the library. And there’s not much harm you can do there, is there? Plus the fact that there’s the no-talking-unless-emergency rule. Fun, fun.

I’m usually pretty quiet in all of my classes; mostly because there’s nothing much to say. You answer a question if picked on (because I would never put my hand up), take down notes and study for tests and exams when they come around. Same thing that most ‘nerds’ are probably doing around the world. Nothing that different, or strange, or peculiar. Except to those who think that parties, heaps of money and getting everything you want is the norm. No, life isn’t like that for us. Never has been, never will be.

I wish you could just grab a needle and thread and sew your lips shut, so that you wouldn’t be able to say stupid things and embarrass yourself, as I always do. Don’t say I don’t--everyone knows I do. I’ve probably embarrassed myself 100 million times already in this story, without even realizing it. But I know I have, and that alone haunts me.

I find it harder to express myself on here, now that everyone knows that the narrator is me, and this is a true story. It’s like Arya gave me someone to push between me and the outside world, so that I could express myself through her without worrying what people thought of me. Now I can barely write chapters for this, worrying that somehow I’ll say the wrong thing and ruin my carefully made house of cards. But that probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone at all, so I’ll explain.

Each time I’ve said (typed) something about my life, my thoughts and everything like that, I’ve added one more card to my house of cards, for one more thing I’ve ‘come out’ about, except now I’m terrified that one wrong move, and I’ll crawl back into my hole, crushing my house along the way.

But that probably sheds no more light on the matter than if I showed you a picture of a house of cards.

Or did it? I’m not sure. All this chapter sounds like is me going on about my ‘terrible’ life and insecurities. I don’t even know where it’s going anymore. It’s a bit like a diary--makes no sense and never will.

Truthfully, I’m thinking about giving it up, because no one probably reads it anymore, and I’m just jumping from one topic to the next, pointing out obvious things that happen in most teenager’s everyday lives. But I probably won’t, even though I barely ever update anymore.