SCENE 1: Chandler’s Bedroom/ Pickford Café

March 2006

Chandler is asleep in his bed. The alarm goes off and Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen starts playing. Chandler wakes and turns off the alarm. He rolls out of bed and puts on his glasses. He goes through his morning routine as the narration is going on. The morning routine consists of: getting out of bed, showering, getting dressed, and brushing his teeth.

NARRATOR

This is Chandler. Chandler was a child genius who attended UC Berkeley at the age of fourteen after skipping grades three and nine. Instead of becoming an engineer or something of the like he decided to teach high school English as he believed happiness should be favored over money. Four years of headaches and mediocre term papers later he claims he does not regret his decision but his liver says otherwise.

cut to: Pickford Café. Freddy has his head down on the table.

NARRATOR

This is Freddy. He is hung over. Freddy grew up in Beverly Hills for the first eleven years of his life until his parents divorced, leaving Freddy with his mother in the San Fernando Valley. He dropped out of high school at age sixteen. He now works as an interior design assistant. He, along with Chandler, has a slight drinking problem.

Chandler opens the door to the café. He is humming ‘Good Morning’ as he enters. He sees Freddy and smiles.

CHANDLER

shouting

So say good morning!

FREDDY

Chandler, I will shove this pepper shaker so far up your ass every time a guy goes down on you he’ll fucking sneeze.

CHANDLER

continuing

Rainbows are shining through!

NARRATOR

Chandler and Freddy, though they are not particularly fond of each other, have been friends for nearly seven years due to their best friends dating and eventually marrying.

FREDDY
Why are you tormenting me?

CHANDLER
What else am I supposed to do with my Sunday morning?

FREDDY
Aren’t you Catholic?

CHANDLER

Eh, not today.

FREDDY

Selective Catholicism. I love it.

NARRATOR

Freddy is an Atheist. Though Chandler has been Agnostic for a number of years he still holds his title of Roman-Irish-Catholic.

CHANDLER

Just made it up this morning after I tugged one out in the shower.

NARRATOR

Over the years Chandler found that Agnosticism made it easier to bend biblical rules.

FREDDY
You need to get laid.

CHANDLER
Don’t have to tell me twice.

FREDDY

Vlad and Ebony wanted to see us.

CHANDLER

Why?

FREDDY
Ebony had the baby last night.

CHANDLER
Why doesn’t anyone tell me these things?

FREDDY

They didn’t tell me until this morning.

CHANDLER

They called you before me?

FREDDY

You forgot to pay your phone bill again, didn’t you?

CHANDLER

… Shit.

FREDDY

Come on. I’ll drive.

CHANDLER

You have a hangover.

FREDDY
They don’t say anything about driving with a hangover…

CHANDLER

Christ.

FREDDY

Let’s go.

CHANDLER

Well, we’re going to a hospital anyway.

Chandler and Freddy are in the car. Chandler is white-knuckling the seats.

NARRATOR

Now, Chandler did not drive for many of his own reasons. However, he knew enough about driving to know that Freddy wasn’t very good at it.

CHANDLER

Freddy, do you want to slow down?

FREDDY

Not really.

Chandler sees a gang of kids crowded around another. They are maiming the one in the center.

NARRATOR

It has been said, mostly by Freddy, that Chandler’s shortcoming is his conscience.

CHANDLER
Stop!

FREDDY

The light was yellow!

CHANDLER

No, there’s someone getting beat up over there.

FREDDY
Chandler, I already have a hangover. I don’t need a bigger headache.

CHANDLER

Freddy, pull over!

FREDDY

I hate you and your fucking conscience!

Freddy pulls over. Chandler runs out of the car and chases off the kids. Freddy jogs over and crouches down next to Matt. Chandler is watching the others run off before going to help Matt to his feet.

CHANDLER

Did you know any of those kids?

FREDDY

I don’t think he’s going to be able to say anything. One kid kicked him in the throat.

CHANDLER
Jesus, they could’ve killed him.

FREDDY

Okay, we’ll get him in the car and then take him to emergency before we go to Ebony’s room, all right?

CHANDLER

Right.

FREDDY

Jesus, he’s bleeding out of his mouth.

CHANDLER

panicking

That’s a sign of internal bleeding.

Matt shakes his head

MATT

Weakly

I bit my tongue.

CHANDLER
He can talk.

MATT

They hadn’t been at it too long. I should be fine.

CHANDLER
You’re still going to the hospital.

They load Matt into the car and speed off toward the hospital.

cut to: Freddy and Chandler rushing into Ebony’s room. Vlad is holding Howie, Ebony is in bed with Danny asleep next to her and Jack on her other side playing with her hair. Vlad looks up and frowns.

VLAD
Why are you two covered in blood?

NARRATOR

Vlad Schwartz is Freddy’s best friend. Though they have been friends for nearly eleven years there is still a lot they are superficial about. Vlad has always been somewhat uncomfortable with Freddy’s homosexuality, if only because he’s afraid of his own latent bisexuality.

FREDDY
It’s not ours.

CHANDLER
We found a kid getting the shi—crap kicked out of him and brought him to the emergency room.

Jack hops off the bed and goes to hug Chandler around the waist.

JACK

Uncle Chandler!

NARRATOR

Jack is the eldest of Vlad’s and Ebony’s children. Though not as intellectually inclined as his brother Danny, what he lacks in smarts he makes up for in sweetness.

FREDDY

I see I get no hug.

VLAD

Well, he knows that’s your hangover face.

Jack tiptoes over and hugs Freddy more gently

JACK

whispering

Hi, Uncle Freddy.

FREDDY
Hey, buddy.

CHANDLER

Where’s the new little ray of sunshine?

Vlad stands up and walks over to Chandler

VLAD

This is Howard.

CHANDLER

He’s adorable.

FREDDY

sarcastically

Oh, Vlad, he has your eyes.

VLAD
My eyes are brown.

FREDDY

I know that.

EBONY
No, no one pay attention to the woman who just had the baby.

NARRATOR

Ebony and Chandler have been friends for nineteen years. Chandler acted as the maid of honor at Ebony’s wedding and has been the only male to attend her baby showers.

CHANDLER

Ebony, my love. How are you feeling?

EBONY

I’m wondering if my husband will ever grace me with an X.

CHANDLER

Aww, you’ll have a girl one day.

EBONY
Three is my limit. Sorry.

VLAD
And I was so hoping to have a Weasley family.

Vlad hands Howie to Ebony and kisses her on the forehead

CHANDLER

He’s a cutie.

VLAD

We were thinking.

EBONY
The boys need a godfather and we couldn’t deci—

Freddy claps Chandler on the back

FREDDY
Have fun, Chandler.

CHANDLER

What?

FREDDY

I hate kids.

CHANDLER
Yeah, they’re little, not deaf.

Greg enters the room with a bouquet of flowers. Ebony cocks her head and smiles

EBONY
Greg, you’re a sweetheart.

NARRATOR

Greg is Ebony’s younger brother. If a person was to look into Jack’s future, Greg is almost an exact mirror of what he will become. Greg is a romantic, an artist, and doesn’t want kids until some time in his mid thirties. In other words: He’s every Jewish mother’s nightmare.

VLAD

Your own brother forgot that his nephew is allergic to those flowers.

Jack sneezes. Greg tosses the flowers out of the door just as the doctor is coming in the room. The doctor blinks and looks at the flowers.

DOC
I’m flattered but you’re not really my type.

Freddy, Greg, and Chandler are transfixed.

NARRATOR

It is a well-known fact that Freddy, Greg, and Chandler are gay. A person only has to look at them to realize this and those without sight needed only to hear them issue a salutation.

DOC

Ebony, you need to get some rest.

EBONY
Right-o.

DOC

Your family can stop by later in the day.

CHANDLER/GREG

Okay.

DOC
How are you all related?

GREG
I’m her brother.

CHANDLER
I may as well b—

FREDDY

He’s the godfather.

DOC
Oh, wonderful. And you?

FREDDY

I’m single.

Chandler rolls his eyes and Greg smacks his forehead.

SCENE 2: Matt’s Hospital Room

Matt is in his bed. He’s watching Judge Judy. Chandler walks in the door.

NARRATOR

The next day, Chandler decided to check up on the stray he and Freddy had brought in.

CHANDLER

Hey, how are you?

MATT

Oh, I suppose I’m all right.

Steven enters with a clipboard and in Mickey Mouse scrubs.

CHANDLER

Hey, Steven.

NARRATOR

Steven was Chandler’s neighbor when they were kids. Steven and his brother Brian were frequent babysitters for Chandler and his brothers. Steven now works as a male nurse in the local learning hospital.

MATT

Doctor Foster, your hair grew.

Steven looks up from the clipboard.

STEVEN

I’m not Doctor Foster; I’m Nurse Foster.

MATT

But you’re a guy.

Steven blinks, momentarily unfazed, before throwing his pen at Matt’s head.

STEVEN

Now that we’re done with putting gender roles on certain occupations I am obligated to take your temperature and make sure you haven’t died or gone into a coma overnight.

NARRATOR

Steven was not only sensitive about being a male nurse, he also had a tendency to get hostile.

Brian walks in and takes the chart from Steven’s hands.

BRIAN

How’re we doing today, Matt?

NARRATOR

Brian is Steven’s twin brother—older by ten minutes. Brian is a pediatrician. His bedside manner is a little more present than his brother’s. The two have been said to be exact opposites.

MATT
I’m all right Doctor Foster.

BRIAN

Great! You took quite a brutal beating.

MATT

I know. I was there.

BRIAN

Nothing too serious. Broken wrist but we already got that patched up. Other than that you’re just going to be in a little pain for the next few weeks. You should heal up nicely.

MATT
Cool.

CHANDLER

When can he go home?

BRIAN

We’d like to keep him just one more day and then we’ll release him into his father’s care.

Steven takes Matt’s temperature with an ear thermometer.

STEVEN

Is your temperature normally ninety seven point three?

MATT

Yeah.

STEVEN

Huh. His temperature’s normal.

BRIAN

Thank you, Steven.

MATT
Are you two twins?

NARRATOR

If there’s one thing that Brian and Steven hate, it’s people asking them if they’re twins. They hate any questions with obvious answers.

STEVEN

I’m not going to answer that.

BRIAN

Nor am I. I’ll come back to check on you in a while.

There is a crash heard from outside and Kenny yelling “Oops!” Steven sighs.

STEVEN

Chandler, can you keep an eye on Kenny?

NARRATOR

Kenny is Steven’s eleven year old son. He is more often in the principal’s office than in class. This is not to say he has no sense of right and wrong. He prefers being scolded to sitting through middle school classes.

CHANDLER

Um, sure.

Steven nods and leaves the room with Brian. Kenny comes in the room with a bunch of band-aids on his face.

CHANDLER

Kenny! These aren’t toys…

Chandler begins peeling the band-aids off. Kenny looks over at Matt

KENNY

Hi, I’m Kenny.

MATT

I’m Matt.

KENNY

You’re the one who got beat up?

MATT
Um, I’m sure many people get beat up.

KENNY

The one my uncle is treating?

MATT
That’s me.

KENNY
Why’d they beat you up?

MATT

I’m not sure.

KENNY

I think you are. My dad says—Ow! Chandler, that hurts.

CHANDLER
Well, if you hadn’t put them on I wouldn’t have to take them off. I’m Chandler, by the way.

MATT
Hi. Who was the other guy with you?

CHANDLER

That was Freddy.

MATT

Oh.

CHANDLER
So, do you want to call your mom and tell her that you’re in here?

MATT
I actually ran away from home.

CHANDLER
Well, where have you been staying?

MATT
Last night was my first night away from home.

CHANDLER
Why’d you run away?

MATT
I don’t really want to talk about it.

CHANDLER
All right.

MATT
My dad can’t know I’m here.

CHANDLER

All right, all right. I’ll see what I can do.

MATT
I don’t want to get you in trouble.

CHANDLER
I don’t work here.

MATT
Oh, right.

CHANDLER

How old are you?

MATT
Sixteen.

CHANDLER
Oh, why would you run away? You’re so young.

MATT
I already said I don’t want to talk about it.

NARRATOR

And although Chandler didn’t know anything about this boy, much less whether or not he meant well, he couldn’t help but give in to the tugging of his heartstrings as he stared at the young man.

CHANDLER
You can stay with me until you find somewhere else.

MATT
How do I know you’re not a molester or anything?

CHANDLER

I saved your life.

MATT
So?

CHANDLER
Kenny, have I ever molested you?

KENNY
No, but I always figured tall, dark, and handsome were your type.

CHANDLER
And, Matt, while you are tall, dark, and… moderately attractive, I find it imperative to tell you that I usually go for the Italian types. You’re not Italian, are you?

MATT
Greek.

CHANDLER

And what does that entail?

MATT
I’m loud and I eat a lot... When I want to. For the most part I’m an exception—Rather shy and I eat like a bird.

CHANDLER

Oh, my mom’s gonna love you.

NARRATOR

And it was true. Katie Laveral not only enjoyed stuffing the faces of children who weren’t particularly fond of eating but enjoyed getting to know said children before embarrassing the living hell out of them.

Chandler exits the room, leaving Matt with Kenny.

KENNY
Are you going to be my new friend?

MATT
Only if you want me to be.

KENNY

You must first pass the test.

MATT
The test?

KENNY
Do you like Star Wars?

MATT
Who doesn’t?

KENNY
Harry Potter?

MATT

Again: Who, other than those belonging to the religious Reich, doesn’t?

KENNY
You know it’s Religious Right, right?

MATT
It’s a matter of opinion.

KENNY

N-not really.

MATT

Whatever. Next question.

KENNY
Princess Bride?

MATT

Everyone loves the Princess Bride.

KENNY

Oh yes, you’ll do.

cut to: Chandler at the nurse’s station. Chandler hops up on the counter next to where Steven is looking at a file.

CHANDLER
Nice kid.

STEVEN

Not too bright.

CHANDLER
But nice enough.

STEVEN

He’s gay, you know.

CHANDLER
What?

STEVEN

You know, for a gay man your gay-dar is surprisingly slow.

CHANDLER

For a bisexual man—

STEVEN

I don’t do labels.

Steven grabs a pen and starts writing

CHANDLER
Thirty one and you don’t do labels. That’s something that fifteen year olds on Myspace say.

STEVEN
I’m straight enough to have a son, right?

CHANDLER

That means nothing.

STEVEN

Whatever. I’m not straight either.

CHANDLER

Sure. Anyway, for an unlabeled man your gay-dar is surprisingly strong.

STEVEN

Chandler, I babysat you until you were eleven. I can tell a gay adolescent from thirty miles away.

CHANDLER

Fair enough.

STEVEN

Brian thinks that he ran away from an abusive home. They somehow found out he was gay and he—

CHANDLER
He only sounded opposed to the father finding him.

STEVEN

Fathers are generally the ones who are most abusive when it comes to this… Not to say that mothers aren’t too.

CHANDLER

You’d actually release him to his father?

STEVEN
I wouldn’t. I’ll release him to you tomorrow, hot shot.

Chandler gives him a kiss on the cheek

CHANDLER
Thank you.

STEVEN

Yeah, yeah… Just don’t tell the chief.

CHANDLER
I won’t.

NARRATOR

And while Steven was not fond of labels or the fact that he was attracted to men in general, he found it difficult to hide his affection and admiration for his longtime friend.

STEVEN
Get going, chickadee. And take my son with you.

CHANDLER

Yes, sir.

cut back to: Matt’s room. Kenny is on Matt’s bed, looking through one of his bags.

KENNY

There is no way that Vader could beat Voldemort!

MATT

What in the hell are you talking about? Vader is far superior. He’s more powerful, he’s more—

KENNY
He’s still human. Voldemort has the ability to kill ruthlessly without giving a crap.

MATT
I’m talking about them winning a war against each other. Vader slaughtered innocent children. You can’t tell me he’s not heartless.

KENNY
Fine. Just the two of them Voldemort would still win.

MATT
Oh, my God. You’re such a liar.

KENNY

Am not!

Kenny pulls out a toy model of the Millennium Falcon before pulling out a Harry Potter book

MATT

Hey, is that the Millennium Falcon?

KENNY

Oh, yeah.

MATT

I’ve been looking for one!

KENNY

I made it.

MATT

Are you kidding me?

KENNY

It’s not the best but my mom was trying to make me stop…

MATT

Stop what?

KENNY

Not important.

MATT

My dad used to make me build models when he wanted to make me not…

KENNY

Not what?

MATT

Not important.

KENNY

You want it?

MATT

Want what?

KENNY

The Falcon.

MATT

What? You made that. You can’t give that away.

KENNY

I can. I don’t want it.

MATT
Why not?

KENNY

You’re a bigger geek than me.

MATT

Tell you what: I have a wand.

KENNY
Huh?

MATT

A Harry Potter wand. I want you to have it.

KENNY
You’d give that up?!

MATT

For you, yes. You’re a bigger Harry Potter freak than me.

KENNY

Wow!

MATT

Next time I see you I’ll give it to you. We’ll trade.

KENNY

Awesome!

Chandler enters the room. He looks at Matt and Kenny and smiles.

CHANDLER

Hey, Kenny, I’ll take you home.

KENNY
Is Matt coming too?

MATT

I’ll see you another time, bud.

KENNY

Really?

MATT

As soon as I can.

KENNY

Awesome.

MATT

See you later, half pint.

KENNY

After a while, bro.

SCENE 3: The street

There is a bus stop. Chandler and Matt are on the bus.

NARRATOR
The next day Matt was released to Chandler. After a short bus ride to the station closest to Chandler’s apartment the pair figured they’d eventually have to start talking.

They get off the bus and begin walking.

CHANDLER

You and Kenny seemed to hit it off.

MATT
I don’t have any brothers. I’ve always kind of wanted one.

CHANDLER

Only child?

MATT

Younger sister.

CHANDLER

Ahh. Well, I’ve got two younger brothers. One’s two years younger than me, the other’s nine years younger than me.

MATT
That’s a big difference.

CHANDLER

Well, I don’t care to know the exact details so I never asked.

MATT
What about Freddy?

CHANDLER

One younger brother. He’s only met him once or twice though.

MATT
Why?

CHANDLER

He doesn’t like to talk about it.

MATT
Then how will I ever know?

CHANDLER

Fine. Freddy doesn’t like his dad and therefore avoids him as much as possible.

MATT
So he’s only met his brother once or twice because of that?

CHANDLER
Freddy’s been out here since he was eleven. That’s when his parents divorced. Nine months later his brother was born.

MATT
He’s only seen his dad twice since he was eleven?

CHANDLER

It’s not like he misses him.

MATT

But still…

CHANDLER

He doesn’t like his family.

MATT
Why not?

CHANDLER

They’re Presbyterians.

MATT
So?

CHANDLER

Are you from a devout religious family?

MATT

I think we’re Greek Orthodox or something.

CHANDLER

So that’s a no. Freddy and I are from insanely religious families. Unlike him, I try to see past it. Freddy can’t get over the fact that Christians won’t accept homosexuality in any universe. Instead of trying to connect with them on a different level like a normal human being he’s convinced that all religions are out to get him.

MATT
Wow.

CHANDLER

That’s why he doesn’t talk to his family. He’s convinced that they’ll string him up on a tree.

MATT
I don’t get why people are so mean.

CHANDLER

God forbid anyone be different in the melting pot of the world. Such is life, you know?

MATT
I guess.

CHANDLER

Me? I love my family. Then again, I haven’t come out to anyone in my extended family.

MATT
That’s weird.

CHANDLER

Not so much. I suppose they’ll find out when I finally find someone to bring to Christmas and Easter. My brothers are cool with it, though. Thank God for that, too. I love my brothers.

NARRATOR

The truth is: Chandler is quite unlucky in love. While he has had enough sex to satisfy a Spartan army he has trouble holding down someone who actually enjoys his company.

MATT
Does Steven only have a brother?

CHANDLER

He’s got a sister too.

MATT
I don’t like my sister.

CHANDLER

Why not?

MATT

She’s twelve. Need I say more?

CHANDLER

I see…

MATT

I mean, I love her. She’s just at that irritating stage.

CHANDLER
All right, this is my apartment.

They walk up to Chandler’s Apartment. Mr. Porter is sitting out in the hallway. Chandler raises his eyebrow and crouches down beside him.

CHANDLER

Mr. Porter?

MR. PORTER

Oh, Chandler. Hello.

CHANDLER

Sir, what are you doing here?

MR. PORTER

I’m waiting for my daughter to get home.

CHANDLER

She and Avery went out to dinner. It’s their anniversary.

NARRATOR

Emily and Avery are the lesbians on Chandler’s floor. They often invite him over for brunch but, as neither of them can cook, he finds himself politely declining.

CHANDLER

How much have you had to drink tonight?

MR. PORTER

I’m a mess, Chandler.

CHANDLER

Would you like something while you wait?

MR. PORTER

I think I’ll be fine.

CHANDLER

I highly recommend that you sober up before you see Emily, sir. You remember how it went last time.

MR. PORTER

Yes, yes. I suppose I’ll take whatever you got.

CHANDLER
Good man. I’ll be right back.

Chandler and Matt continue to Chandler’s apartment. Chandler goes in the kitchen and pulls out a bottle

MATT
Who was he?

CHANDLER
That’s Mr. Porter, the drunken father of Emily Porter.

MATT

What were you talking about when you were saying “last time?”

CHANDLER

Oh, the last time he was here, about three years ago, he called Emily a, and I quote, “muff-diving, carpet-cleaning disappointment.”

MATT
That’s awful!

CHANDLER
You don’t have to tell me twice. That’s exactly why I haven’t come out to my family… you know, other than my mom and dad and my brothers.

MATT

Who would call you a muff-diving disappointment?

CHANDLER

You know what I mean, smartass.

MATT

What is that that you’re pouring?

CHANDLER

It’ll sober him up.

MATT
It smells like a monkey’s ass.

CHANDLER

I’ve never been close enough to one.

MATT

Ha… Ha hah. What’s in that?

CHANDLER

I don’t know. It’s been sitting in my cabinet for quite a number of years.

MATT

You don’t even know what it is?

CHANDLER
I did at one point. Freddy and I made it one night when we were really drunk, had some, puked, and sobered right up.

MATT

Were you drinking before you were legally allowed to?

CHANDLER

I’ve been drinking since I was fourteen.

MATT
Why?

CHANDLER

Same reason I started having sex at the same time.

MATT
And that is--?

CHANDLER

I’m Irish. It’s like all we’re made for is drinking and humping.

MATT

calling the quote

My Favorite Year.

CHANDLER

I knew I liked you for a reason. I’ll be right back. Uh, you can grab some blankets out of the closet.

Chandler leaves the room. Matt makes his way over to a door in the hallway and opens it. It is a bedroom. The room is very neat save for a messy pile of books in the corner. There are twin beds in the middle of the room. Matt sits on a bed and flops down. He quickly imagines all of his posters adorning the walls when Chandler comes in.

CHANDLER

Oh, you found the spare room.

MATT
Can I live here?

CHANDLER

Already said you could.

MATT

Forever?

CHANDLER

Temporarily.

MATT
I ran away. I’ve got no place else to go!

CHANDLER
Things can’t be that bad at home, Matty.

MATT
Please, Chandler.

CHANDLER

Go to bed.

SCENE 4: Park Bakery

Zeke is bustling around the bakery as the narration is going on

NARRATOR

Not too far away we segue to our second family.

Zeke pulls out a cake from the oven.

NARRATOR
This is Zeke. Zeke just moved to the San Fernando Valley from Dade County in Georgia after living in New York City for three years. He attended Georgia College and State University, majoring in Marketing Management, and graduating at age twenty two before moving to New York to attend the Art Institute of New York City where he majored in Culinary Arts and graduated at age twenty four. Now, at age twenty eight, he’s decided to start his life anew with his brother and son.

Mark runs in the door and puts a piece of paper on the counter in front of Zeke.

MARK

Dad! I got a hundred and ten on my spelling test!

NARRATOR

Mark is Zeke’s son. At eight years old he is smarter than many of the adults he meets and is probably more well-read than most. He lived with his mother for two years before she decided that she wanted to start her own family the proper way. While she is now married with three other children she still has not decided whether she wants legal custody over her son. Until that day, Mark will continue to live with his father.

ZEKE

That’s great!

Daryl and Kevin James run into the shop behind Mark.

DARYL

Mark, I don’t care how excited you get. You can’t run away from us.

NARRATOR

Daryl is Zeke’s brother. He is a photographer with a passion for nature. However, he works as an art director for a local gossip rag, working mainly for award show coverage. He has a high IQ though he doesn’t care to employ it in his everyday life.

KEVIN JAMES

That’s the last time I go with you to pick him up.

NARRATOR

Kevin James is Daryl’s roommate. He is a writer who works at a Starbucks. Though he has known Daryl for a total of four months the pair have become exceedingly close despite Daryl’s more conservative upbringing and Kevin James’ liberal activism.

ZEKE
Jesus, you two can’t keep up with an eight year old?

MARK

A diabetic eight year old.

ZEKE
He makes a good point. You two aren’t faster than a diabetic eight year old, I think it’s time you hit the gym.

DARYL

Thanks.

KEVIN JAMES
Look, my shift starts in a few minutes. I’ll see you at home.

Daryl nods. Kevin James leaves

ZEKE

You two are getting close.

DARYL

Yeah. For a democrat he’s not so bad.

ZEKE
You’re the only republican in the room.

DARYL

… Right.

ZEKE
How was work today?

DARYL
All right. Not great.

ZEKE
What happened?

DARYL

We were hiring interns for the summer.

ZEKE
Idiots?

DARYL
For the most part. I got one I think I’ll hire.

ZEKE
Is he nice?

DARYL
Yeah, actually.

ZEKE
Cute?

NARRATOR

Not only is Zeke gay, but Kevin James as well. It doesn’t bother Daryl as much as he lets on.

DARYL

He’s twenty three. I wouldn’t try anything funny. Plus, last thing I need is a lawsuit against the magazine because some horny gay man couldn’t keep his hands off of his brother’s intern.

ZEKE

So you think he’s cute?

DARYL

I’m not gay.

ZEKE
You don’t have to be. You think he’s cute.

DARYL
I do not.

NARRATOR

Oh, he does.

ZEKE

teasing sing-song

You want to bone him.

DARYL

I do not!

NARRATOR

Again, he does.

ZEKE

You’re so gay for him.

MARK

I’ll be in the back doing my homework.

ZEKE
Oh, okay. Tell me if you need any help.

MARK
I’ll let you know if I need to count donuts.

Mark leaves. Daryl puts a hand over his mouth and tries to hold in a laugh

DARYL
Burned by the eight year old.

ZEKE

Shut up.

DARYL
Anyway, I should get back to the office. I told Reich I was going out to see if Lindsay or Brittany were in the area.

ZEKE
Later.

SCENE 5: The Rag Office

NARRATOR
However, unbeknownst to Daryl, he’d opened up a can of worms not only for himself--

Greg knocks on Daryl’s office door. Daryl grants him entry. Greg is holding some coffee and a manila envelope of proofs.

NARRATOR

--But for everyone in his and Greg’s life as well.

GREG
Your coffee and your proofs.

DARYL
Thanks, Greg.

GREG
Anything else I can do for you?

DARYL
Nothing. You can go see if they need you

GREG

Oh, they sent me to see if you need anything.

NARRATOR
And while Daryl didn’t technically need anything for work he did need the company.

Daryl looks up for a moment before nodding and shutting his laptop. He gestures to the seat in front of his desk.

DARYL

Take a seat.

GREG
Oh, thanks.

DARYL
So, Greg… What’s new?

GREG
Oh... Seriously?

DARYL

Yeah. Anything exciting?

GREG

Um… I’ve got a new nephew.

DARYL

Wow. How old?

GREG
He’s a few days old.

DARYL
Your first nephew?

GREG
Oh, no. I have three now.

DARYL
How old are they?

GREG
Uh, well, there’s Jack who’s five. He’s almost six… In October anyway. Um, Danny is three and Howard is the new one.

DARYL

Are these your brother’s kids?

GREG
Oh, no… Sister.

DARYL

Any other siblings?

GREG
Oh, no… Just the one. Ebony’s her name.

Daryl raises an eyebrow

DARYL
“Ebony?”

GREG
Oh! Well, her real name is Eliora but she hates that name so she renamed herself. Not legally or anything. But it’s kind of supposed to be ironic because she’s so white—Pale! Not really like “white” white. Plus, she has black hair.

DARYL

Are you normally this nervous?

GREG
I’m not nervous!

NARRATOR
He actually was nervous. Along with not wanting to say the wrong thing to someone who was technically his boss, he also wanted to hide his overpowering attraction toward him.

GREG

I’m just—I say a lot of incomplete thoughts. I speak faster than I think a lot of the time.

DARYL

That must be bothersome.

GREG

Yeah…

DARYL

I got a nephew. He’s eight. My brother’s kid.

GREG
What’s his name?

DARYL

Mark. I like being an uncle more, don’t you?

GREG
Exactly! You get authority but you don’t have to be the bad guy!

DARYL
I love it. Mark is sharp though… Smart as a whip. Thinks for himself a lot. Doesn’t really need a lot of authority.

GREG
Oh, my nephew Jack? He’ll probably have a first grade reading level for the rest of his life but he is one of the sweetest kids alive. He draws a lot. Well, he used to until he got this little camera for Christmas… It’s the cutest thing. He just goes around and makes little movies of everything.

DARYL

Smart enough to work a camera.

GREG
Who isn’t, right?

DARYL
I think Mark may be technologically retarded. He spent three hours typing a one page report he’d already written longhand. Poor kid…

GREG
Oh, Jack’s a whiz at typing. He has this typing game at school that he apparently just goes to town on. The teacher says he’s the best in the class.

the door opens. Mr. Reich storms in and throws a cover page on Daryl’s desk.

NARRATOR
Mr. Reich is Daryl’s boss… His name says it all.

REICH

We’re fucked.

DARYL

politely

Did you want something, sir?

REICH

The Inquirer just had a field day with Lindsay. Why the hell did we not get this coverage?

DARYL

Well, we don’t have any people stationed to follow her since she issued that restraining order against Collins, remember?

REICH
Bitch…

DARYL
We’ll send another guy in there if it’s that important.

REICH
It’s dead news.

DARYL

America does love its crackhead starlets, sir.

NARRATOR
We do.

Reich is about to say something when he spots Greg

REICH
Who the hell are you?

GREG

I—

DARYL
He’s an intern, sir.

REICH
Well, I’m not paying you to fucking flirt with interns all day, Hart. Get your ass out there and take some pictures of something useful, for God’s sake.

Reich leaves

DARYL
Jackass…

GREG
I should go.

DARYL

Nah, come with me. You’ll get field experience.

GREG
Oh… Okay.

cut to: A Hollywood corner. Greg is standing with his hands in his pockets. There is a provocatively dressed woman next to him. Daryl is fiddling with the settings on his camera.

NARRATOR

And that’s how Daryl and Greg found themselves working on a Hollywood corner.

Greg looks over at the woman. She smiles and winks before Greg looks away

NARRATOR

Not that kind of work.

GREG
What are we doing?

DARYL
Waiting for someone reminiscent of an obese media figure to come out of a store so we can snap a shot, take it back to Reich, and run a story about Mary Kate gaining back all her weight and then some.

GREG
That’s one of the most unethical things I think I’ve ever heard.

DARYL
Eh, it makes him happy.

GREG
Blow jobs make people happy too. Doesn’t mean I’m going to give him one.

Daryl starts laughing. Greg smiles and leans upon the wall behind them. Daryl looks over and smiles.

DARYL
You’re funny.

GREG
Thanks.

DARYL

Can you believe Reich? Calling me a fucking faggot because we were talking?

GREG
Maybe it’s because you were talking to me.

DARYL

Why would that matter?

NARRATOR

Sometimes Daryl is slow on the uptake.

GREG
Because it’s me.

DARYL
Again, why should it matter?

NARRATOR

Really slow.

Greg raises his eyebrows. A look of realization comes upon Daryl’s face.

NARRATOR
There it is.

DARYL
You’re gay?

GREG

Yeah.

DARYL

And Reich knows?

GREG
You didn’t?

DARYL
You didn’t say anything.

GREG
Look at the way I’m dressed. Look at the way I look. Listen to the way I talk.

DARYL
You look relatively straight in your work clothes.

GREG
That’s a lie but thank you nonetheless…

DARYL
You’re… Welcome?

GREG
I realize you probably wouldn’t have said faggot if you’d known I was gay.

DARYL

I’m sorry.

GREG
I’m also Jewish if you want to crack out a few jokes about that too.

DARYL

Sorry.

GREG
Are you always so bigoted when you speak or did you forget that you’re not in the middle of Bumbfuck, Nowhere and that not everyone here is like you?

DARYL

My roommate and brother are gay.

GREG
How Christ-like you must feel… Embracing those different from you.

DARYL

I’m actually an Atheist.

GREG

Christ, then you’re just a fucking Republican.

NARRATOR

Greg found if one wasn’t strictly religious one had no reason for belonging to the Republican Party.

DARYL
Hey—

GREG
I’ll see you back at the office.

DARYL

You don’t even know where you are!

GREG
I’ve been to Hollywood before!

DARYL

I drove us here.

GREG

… Fuck.

they stand in uncomfortable silence

DARYL
So… You’re a Democrat too?

GREG

You moved to a fucking blue state. What did you expect?

DARYL
Touché.

GREG

You don’t strike me as a Republican. You seem too… Sane.

DARYL

I was about to say the same to you.

GREG
I suppose you could always join the Log Cabin party.

DARYL

Fuck you.

Greg looks over

GREG
So, you’re not against being gay or anything?

DARYL

I have no problem with people being gay. I’m just not.

NARRATOR

However, while Daryl was interpersonally retarded, Greg was not.

Greg turns to him and gives him a big kiss on the lips.

44